Space is an endless expanse of darkness. It stretches on, leaving you to wonder if there really is a place it stops. Such an endeavor would never be achieved in one man's lifetime. It would take generations upon generations to ever chart all the areas of this limitless void not yet navigated. Something like that would only come about if man became dissatisfied with what he already held, because the project would be a lonely one filled with restrictions few humans could stand. Although outer space is a beautiful thing, the need for that connection to humanity, to the ever-changing environs of a society, lives inside us all.
Certainly, that is what drives me now.
The shuttle I man is small, only meant for one pilot to handle. There is more than enough cargo space behind me for what I need to bring. I could have fit my Gundam in there. But Nataku is no more. She lives on in my heart, and it is only after I destroyed her, that I realized that is where she has always been. The entire time I was fighting, right up to the moment I battled Yuy as one of Mariemaia's soldiers, I was seeking my strength in something else. I asked it of Nataku, a machine which I had given my wife's spirit, but never looked for it inside of myself.
The entire time I had fought also, I did it without having faith in humanity. It began, I think, when Meiran passed away. But it really began to fester inside of me, when my colony informed me they were ready to give up the only home we had, for the sake of Operation Meteor. They would sacrifice themselves, and millions of innocent people, so that the colonies could be free? I could see no logic in this, and certainly no justice. Our goal was to get rid of what caused the oppression. The Alliance, and OZ. I couldn't stand for this, so I took Nataku and made my own mission. I would carry out Operation Meteor as I saw fit.
The more I saw, the less faith I had. In myself, in others. Duo, who called himself the God of Death and professed to have no real belief in God himself, had more faith than I did. Yuy, who lived for only the mission, believed what I could not. Winner never lost his love of humanity. He fought for it always, and never stopped believing. Barton, I think, began to really believe when he had something to fight for. But I... I was not certain what I was fighting for. A colony I had called home who would so easily give up? A girl, whose spirit was the only thing that remained?
When my colony was destroyed, I had nothing at all. Nothing. And I lost my last shreds of faith.
I wanted the war to end, but it was difficult to grasp that I was no longer needed. I was a discarded soldier, with no place to return to, and no purpose. Accepting that was not easy. It was why, when Mariemaia's representatives came to me, and offered me the chance to see if all we had done had been worth the loss, I took it.
One way or another, I was determined to find out for myself if what the others and I had done was the right thing, even if it meant dying. But, deep down, it was my loss of faith in humanity that really drove me. I did not believe the people cared what had been sacrificed for them, or that they would ever learn from it. I think I wanted to punish them for that if I could not be proven wrong.
Strange, of all people, Yuy would be the one to show me I was wrong. It had been his words that forced me to realize that by supporting Mariemaia, I was encouraging another war, another endless cycle of death and loss. In it, I could never find my true purpose. That, had been to end the need for more soldiers like we Gundam pilots, to keep destruction, like that of my colony, from ever happening again.
In the midst of that, I realized I had been wrong about people. They were weak yes, but not as long as they had a symbol behind them. Whether that be we Gundam's, or someone like Relena Darlian. They only wanted, like us, to know that someone would support them. And, for the first time, I understood that we cannot do everything alone.
It is not the actual symbol itself that gives people strength. That would be as wrong as me drawing mine from my Gundam. It is the support offered that leads people to finding the strength inside of themselves. We are a dependant species from the moment we are born, to the day we die. We seek the comfort of our mothers, our mates, and finally, our medical doctors. Together, we are always stronger than apart. But that is not something I have always believed, nor is it something that is easy for me to grasp even now. If it was, I would have done what I am doing now a long time ago.
Maintaining the peace won, is an even more challenging than achieving it. As a Preventer, this is my job. My purpose. I need to know that I am more than just an existing part of the world. I want to be of use, I want to protect this peace we have fought for. In doing this, I know deep inside, that it was not for nothing. All that we have given up, all the pain we have felt, would be for nothing only if we do nothing. For there will always be someone, who has lost their faith in humanity, seeking to obliterate it.
I look out again at the space I journey through, as stars pull into lines when they pass. There is such silence here. Not only the absence of all sound, but the absence of movement. It is only I who am moving, while everything else is standing still. As many times as I have seen this, I only now realize this is the first I have looked at it for enjoyment. Any other moment was in battle, or interstellar travel for Preventer missions. For now, I am free from all of that. Free to do as I wish, and see what I want to. And, as always, I don't know quite what to do with that freedom.
The farther I travel into space, the closer I get to Duo.
I am not certain whether that is a comforting thought or not.
You would think this trip provides ample time for me to contemplate what it is I'm going to say. It feels, however, as if it's happening too fast. Which is laughable, really, when you consider how long I have kept my feelings to myself.
In all that time, my interactions with Duo have only been passing. I was always careful never to be alone with him, or around him with others for long stretches. I have not kept in touch with him, even through others, because I was afraid of what I would hear. Afraid that I would be told that he found himself someone and settled down. Now, as I race across space to find him, I wish I had. Essentially, I am going into this blindly, and I hate that.
When you plan, when you consider all avenues, and then carry out your task only after having selected the best option, you leave less room for mistakes. For the most part, except, it seems, when I was in Nataku, I have followed this. When I wasn't filled with battle fever, or wracked with pain. So this sudden decision, to request a vacation and leave Earth for space, is unlike me. It is reckless, and impulsive. Spontaneous. Not something I would consider doing, or had considered doing before. But then, I have never felt so centered, or calm before. My life has finally fallen on a path that I can follow with a strong, unwavering heart. And there only remains one thing I do not have. Duo.
No matter what has happened, I never stopped caring for him. I tried to. I can only tell you, silencing your heart is the most difficult thing you will ever have to do. I don't know why I ever thought I could do it. I buried myself in work, grateful for the distraction. I even accepted a date from a woman once, but there was no chemistry and I kept comparing her to Duo in my mind. I tried my best to ignore all of it, until I saw him again; when terrorists struck and we needed the help of the other pilots. It was then, that the feeling I got while watching him walk away and Sally's words, forced me to face the truth. I would never be free of him. Never, unless I told him and let him decide.
Uncertainties plague me. They annoy me. I dislike feeling off-balance and out of control. Aside from not understanding myself, I think that was one of the reasons I never told Duo how I cared. He is unpredictable and fiercely independent. I admire the independence in him, because I could never be with someone who needed me too much. But his unpredictability always leaves me wondering what to expect from him. He hides too much, and only gives us what he wants us to see. Would it be possible, that he could ever give everything that he is to me? Me, who has never given him even a shred of myself?
I have much to make up for. That realization is humbling, and not altogether easy to accept. I have a great deal of pride, because it has often been the only thing to see me through, to keep me safe. I am proud of my heritage, and now, myself. It has taken me a long time to reach this moment, to be able to say that I no longer have reason to be ashamed for any of my actions. Well, nearly all of my actions. I cannot help but wonder how different things would be now if I hadn't been so frightened of my feelings for Duo. But perhaps, this way, it worked for the better. I had much growing and self-discovery to do.
There was a time, when I would not even consider my feelings. It is arduous still, but no as much as it once was. Before my time as a Gundam pilot, when I was married to Meiran, for all I knew intellectually, I had no understanding of what went on between two people who cared for one another. Perhaps I still do not.
Back then, my feelings confused me, so I lashed out at her, and made it difficult for her when she did for me, rather than attempt to understand in any way. I was no more than 14. I am only 17 now, but it's amazing how much difference three years will make. Especially given all that has happened in that time span.
My feelings still confuse me, and I still use words as my shield. As much as I am telling myself to keep calm when I meet Duo, I know I will forget all that when I see him, and say something I don't really mean if he backs me into a corner. I did that to him when I last saw him. I fell into the easy pattern of insulting him, and keeping him at arms length. It is safe to say, things do not always go as you planned, or as you wanted to. It's annoying to an obsessive person such as myself, but one must learn to deal. Duo Maxwell is enough to try the patience of a saint. If I can withstand his antics, then perhaps I can withstand anything.
Nearly anything. Not a life without him, I have discovered. I cannot tell you, however, the many times I told myself I was better off. I wanted to believe it. Some moments it is clear why, others it is not. When I was fighting, I had much to take my mind from him. Now, with the Preventers, where much of it is office work and things that don't require a great deal of danger, I have more time to myself. I suppose, too, I am tired of being alone. There is nothing noble about it. And I have ran out of logical reasons why.
There it is.
It came up so suddenly, I barely had time to react.
A wrecked, abandoned base, is what it appears to be. From my vantage point, I can't see any signs of life just yet. Duo is here somewhere, however, according to what I uncovered. I don't suppose he would appreciate me digging into his life. He would probably consider it an intrusion on his privacy. If he wishes to be angry with me for it, there is nothing I can do about that. I only know I need to see him. What happens when I finally do, will play out when it does.
It nearly kills me to let it fall that way. I wish I knew exactly what to say, or exactly how this will happen. But nothing is ever that easy.
Easing the shuttle around the bulk, the lines of buildings even out before me until they fall into a nearly flat rise of metal. There are moments, I forget what the colonies look like from the outside. I have gotten so used to Earth and its natural greenery. I try not to take it for granted, however. It is now nearly as much a home to me as my own colony was. As much as any one place can be, I suppose.
Tucked into the corner, near one half-formed building, I see a shuttle similar to mine. It is somewhat larger, meant to accommodate more people. I can see why, as well. Not far from it, gathered around a pile of wreckage, are three forms, bobbing in space suits. From here, it is difficult to tell which is Duo. Or, if one even is at all. That frivolous braid of his would be tucked up into his helmet. At least, if he had any sense it would be. I know he is irrationally attached to that rope of hair. I doubt he would let anything happen to it.
I calculate my rate of descent, and adjust for it. As I pull in closer, I can see I have the attention of the ones already here. They turn toward me at least, but they are still too far for me to make out expressions. I concentrate on bringing the shuttle in easily, and try to forget about the sudden attack of nerves that siezes me. In the event I need to leave shortly after arriving, I want to be able to maneuver easily. So I settle down in a way that will allow me to leave quickly, and with little trouble.
As the shuttle begins the process of shutting down, I slowly remove my restraints. I have traveled in my suit, so I only need to put on my helmet and make certain my oxygen tank is still working properly before I get out. A quick look at the gages tells me I calculated fuel correctly. I have more than enough to get back to earth. Duo chose a location not all that far from it. No doubt, because he knew that was where he was going to be. Even Maxwell must plan things out from time to time. I am certain it is not all impulse on his part. But then, it is difficult to tell. And yet, I know I would not want him to be any other way.
He would not be Duo if he was.
Gliding from my seat, I reach for my helmet and my tank. I attach everything carefully and with the ease of experience. A quick push of a button opens the hatch, and I move toward it, telling myself that no matter what happens, I did the right thing by coming here. Either way, whether I find him or I lose him, I will finally be able to let go. That will have to be enough for me.
I settle myself onto the ground, closing the hatch behind me, and look around. The others are close by, but again, still not close enough for me to make out their faces. One points toward me, and then converses with the other two, before turning to start his, or her, over. Taking one breath, I decide meeting the person half-way would be the polite thing to do. With that in mind, I move away from the shuttle, trying to remember that out here, without the pressurized environment, my movements are going to be much different from what they are with the gravity of Earth.
Sometimes, I wonder what it is about Duo Maxwell that catches me so deeply. What is it about him, that sends me all the way out here, with no notion of what will happen? Is it his obvious beauty, even the ridiculous overabundance of hair? Is it his smile, the one I have only seen a few times, and want for myself? Is it his strength, his dedication? Perhaps, it is his intelligence that he hides and thinks no one sees. Maybe it is his abnormal sense of humor, the way he never sits still, or the way he takes whatever life gives him and throws it back with equal verve. And maybe, it is no one set thing. Maybe it is all of them combined.
It is Duo.
That is the first thought that strikes me when he reaches me.
My mind freezes, save for the thought that of course he would meet me. Duo is that way.
"Wufei?" He looks surprised, and sounds surprised.
I can only nod. "Maxwell." I meant to call him Duo. I did.
He grins. "What are you doing here? You guys need my help so soon? I just escaped from you."
"No." I meant to say more. I did.
He pauses for a few moments. "Gee, Wufei, that tells me a lot. So, no mission? Then what _are_ you doing here?"
This would be where I tell him I am here to see him. But I can only stare at him impassively, my face expressing nothing, while my mind scrambles to find the right words. I always seem to have trouble saying the right things around Duo. I am not entirely certain why that is. If I knew, I would try to do something about it. As it is, telling him just this seems hard enough. How am I going to talk to him about the way I feel?
"I am here to see you."
I sound so uncaring, guarded. At this rate, I'm going to be gone before I even got here.
The smile stays, but I can see the puzzlement in his eyes.
"So, you decided to come all this way in a shuttle just to see me? Pardon me if I don't buy that, Wu."
Yes, my usual treatment of him is already coming back to cause trouble. I cannot blame him, but still it sparks annoyance in me. He ought to know me well enough by now to realize I do not say anything I don't mean. I don't believe in lying or making a situation more complicated that it needs to be.
"That is what I just said, wasn't it, Maxwell? If I had meant something else, I would have said something else," I tell him, almost defensively. But I am well aware it doesn't sound that way.
"Oh, yes, forgive me. I forgot that I could read your mind," Duo returns with no small amount of sarcasm.
I am getting off to a wonderful start.
The sharp retort leaps to my tongue before I can give it much thought. I am on the verge of saying it, when something stops me. I wish I could say it was my own self-control, but instead, it is the approach of the others. Both are male, and both look older than him. I eye them coolly, not trusting them yet. I don't suppose it's really my place to question their reasons for being here. Duo is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. But part of me worries one of them is competition for me, and part of me thinks they will get in the way of what I'm here to do, regardless.
"Hey, Duo, who's your friend?" The taller of the two asks.
"Hey, guys. Chang Wufei, this is Marc Paul and Rik Davies," he says, indicating to the taller one first. I assume that one is Marc then, and the other is Rik.
They extend their hands. I simply nod.
After a few awkward moments, they drop their hands.
Duo gives me a look that I ignore.
They interrupted us, and I am not overly pleased.
"Well... want us to finish up over there then while you visit?" Marc asks, looking away from me.
Duo grins. "Thanks, that'd be great. We're almost out of here. We just need to see what's down inside the base."
Nodding at him, they both bounce off. I watch them go, arms folded across my chest as much as I possibly can in this bulky suit. When Duo turns back to me, I ignore the weight of his gaze. I can tell he is not pleased. But I don't feel like making an apology for myself.
"Think you can possibly be any nicer, Wufei?"
I stare directly at him. "No."
Duo's sarcasm always gets beneath my skin. He is too good at it.
"Look, besides being rude to the people I work with and consider friends, why are you really here?" He asks, seeming to have lost some of his patience.
Duo isn't a very patient person. I have noticed this many times over the course of our knowing each other. It causes me to find ways to test him. As much as I care for him, I always seem to need to find ways to annoy him as well. I am not certain why that is. Something about him just prompts it.
"I already told you," I answer succinctly.
He sighs. "Fine. Since you're here, you can make yourself useful. Come down into the base with me. I want to see if there's anything worth keeping in there."
Without waiting for me, he turns and begins bouncing off with his usual overenthusiastic grace. I would have argued, except for the fact that this will allow us to be alone, and will make speaking to him easier. At least, I think that it might. I am not doing such a wonderful job of this. I suppose I should have known it would go this way. I only wish I knew how to steer it into another direction.
"How long have you known those men?" I ask, as we push through what is left of the door and into a long hall.
Duo tosses a harried glance over his shoulder. "Why? I swear Wufei, do you trust _anyone_?"
You. I trust you.
"Not people I just met," I say instead.
"Well guess what? I trust them, so you don't get to say anything about it. This is my life, not yours."
That hurts. I know he didn't meant it that way, but it hurts.
I follow him further, the lack of lighting forcing us to use the lights on our suits. I can see a door at the end of the hall. It is sealed shut and does not appear to be damaged in any way. It is looking as if this base might still be pressurized. Which would be nice, as we would be able to take our suits off to talk. Yet, then again, this suit is providing me with a shield of sorts. Weak of me, I know, which is why I suddenly, viciously wish this place is pressurized.
Duo stops in front of the door, and stares at the keypad for a moment, before reaching into the belt strapped across his waist. From it, he pulls a small square piece. Reaching up, he takes the top off the keypad and attaches the square piece, that now vaguely resembles a microchip of some sort. A few quick taps on it later, and a mechanical sounding voice suddenly warns us of depressurization.
Pulling the piece out, he turns to me to grin. "This place looks to be better on the inside."
"We will see," is all I say.
He rolls his eyes. "Don't get too excited on me."
The door slides open and we glide in. As soon as it closes behind us, Duo does more hacking. And suddenly, the feeling of lightness leaves me, and a mechanical voice tells us that the place is pressurized. Without waiting to test anything, Duo reaches up and takes his helmet off before I can stop him. Frowning, I follow suit, wishing that he would be more careful.
"Take more care," I chastise out of my worry for him.
"Do I look dead?" He returns.
"No. But you could," I say, brushing past him.
"Don't threaten me, Wu. I'll have to kick your ass."
I offer him a bland, level expression.
"Hey, I could," he continues, defensively.
"You are welcome to try," I tell him, lips curving so slightly, I doubt he catches it.
"Not right now. I'm busy."
"Just as I thought."
Rather than answer, he sticks his tongue out.
"Your maturity astounds me," I say calmly. A great deal calmer than I feel. When he does that to me, I can only think of kissing him. And I am not comfortable with that.
"We've already been over this territory," he tells me absently, inspecting something we came upon in the hall.
I watch him, saying nothing. I could tell him. Right now, while we are standing here, all alone, I could tell him. But then he rights himself, and turns to stare at me with those bright eyes of his, and I lose the nerve.[1]
"Nothing good there," he informs me.
That look is on his face again. The one he gave me yesterday, when I thought he was on the verge of saying more, or was waiting for me to say something. I should. That was what I came here for. How much longer will I put it off?
"Then we should continue on."
He quirks an eyebrow. "Thank you, Christopher Columbus. Want to lead the expedition?" He adds, flinging his arm out with great flourish.
"I will reserve that honor for you," I reply dryly.
"How gracious of you," he mutters, turning, so that his braid lifts into the air behind him.
I stare at it. The urge to reach out and grab it is overwhelming. But I don't. Instead, I only follow behind him.
I will tell him.
I only wish I knew when.
End Part 2
Note:
[1] I know _exactly_ what Wu is going through. It happens to me all the
time. I go into a situation meaning to say one thing, and lots of others
come out of my mouth instead. -_-
(:./jen/moment2)
