a parody of GW meets WWF
"This is your announcer Sally Po," said a woman sitting next to a brunette with major bang action. Both were wearing headsets and dressed in business suits.
"And I am Lucrecia Noin and thanks for joining us for another show of the GWWF. Our first round is Pierrot vs. La Chupacabra!"
The camera centers on the ring. A man wearing tights and half a clown mask jumped, did a triple axle and landed in the ring. His manager, one Catherine Bloom, watched from outside the ring. Cheers from the crowd went up, which was strangely dominated by females. Signs saying, "Tro-baby, shake your ass!" immediately sprout among the crowd.
Meanwhile, a big ugly bald wrestler came into the ring. "Booo!" roared the crowd. He was being watched by his manager, Mariemeia Khushrenada. It was the Chupacabra aka Dekim Barton.
"Looks like a very interesting match-up, Sally."
"Today's referee is Relena Peacecraft."
"Most excellent," says Sally, knowing that Relena's lack of observational skills basically ensured a delightful match.
Pierrot was single-handedly beating the hell out of the Chupacabra when suddenly the Boy Scout aka Wu-bear aka Wufei Chang jumped into the ring to save the Chupacabra's saggy butt. Catherine then jumped in the ring with her ladle and threw some steaming liquid in the Wufei's face to save her wrestler's buns.
"ARGH! SOUP!" screamed Wufei.
"Wufei's gone bad?" gasped Sally.
"Stop the fighting!" screamed Relena. "Stop the fighting!"
The fighting continued. Sally left her announcing booth to take Wufei to the nurse's station to flush out his eyes. He was otherwise unhurt. Catherine had tagged out Trowa. She then decked Dekim with one punch to the head. She then did a flying leap from the turnbuckle and elbowed him in the nuts. A shriek exploded out of Dekim's mouth, then he fainted. As Dekim was taken to the hospital, Relena took Catherine's arm and said, "The winner, Catherine Bloom!"
"Ne-san, this was supposed to be my fight," whined Trowa. "You're always doing this."
"There, there," said Catherine, who was continuing to enjoy the applause of the fans.
Sally got back to her desk and said, "Well, that was a most unexpected development. The Boy Scout coming to the aid of the Chupacabra, that is."
"Do you know why this happened?"
"He has no comment presently, but all shall be revealed soon."
"Hmmm," said Noin. "Let's cut to commercial."
Commercial:
"Buy the GWWF action figure dolls! You can make them do your favorite moves. We've got the Pierrot, the Boy Scout, the Chupacabra, Soldier Boy and many, many more! Create your favorite match-ups and just watch them go, go go! Accessories not included."
Two girls are shown playing with the dolls. The announcer says, "Why are they wrestling without clothes?"
"Who says they're wrestling?"
The announcer's gasp is audible.
"The next round is a no-holds barred steel cage extravaganza! The contestants are Alex, Mueller, Leo, Taurry, and the Masked Avenger."
"The Masked Avenger!" cried Noin. "It's been three weeks, thirty minutes since I last saw him!" She proceeded to drool all over the desk.
"Chill, Noin," said Sally. "The one left standing at the end wins."
The Masked Avenger, dressed in red and white tights, was escorted to the steel cage by his manager Howard. He had a mask that covered the top half of his head and long blonde hair. Howard said, "I can't go into the steel cage but if I see too much blood I'll stop the fight."
"Thank you, Howard."
When the bell rang, all the other contestants seemed to have made up their mind to gang up on the Masked Avenger. The wrestler did his famous "lightning attack" and knocked down Alex and Mueller. He fended off the attacks of the other remaining wrestlers, but his mask was starting to crack. The crowd began to stir in their seats. This was the moment they'd been waiting for.
As the Masked Avenger used the sleeper hold, the clotheslines and flew down from the turnbuckle, bits of the mask began cracking until finally it was lying on the floor, shattered along with the rest of the other wrestlers.
"YEAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed the crowd in ecstacy upon looking at the face underneath the mask.
"I told you, Sally, that he was good looking underneath that mask!" cried Noin triumphantly.
"Yes, yes."
Relena then opened the cage and said, "The winner is the Unmasked Avenger!"
The crowd roars. The Unmasked Avenger then took the microphone and said, "I will now be known as Zechs Marquise. I hope that my next fight will be a one on one fight with Soldier Boy Yuy. I hope to take the GWWF champion title away from him and show him who is truly on top! Your ass is mine, Soldier Boy!"
More roars of approval. Sally began thinking about what exactly the Avenger was saying and sweatdropped. Noin continued to smile, oblivious.
"Ah, hem, it looks like a rivalry is about to begin," said Sally. Excellent story arc that should go on for about five weeks or so, she thought. "Our next round is the Dominatrix versus the Prince of Pain." Then she frowned. "This is quite odd, I almost never see a woman fighting a man in the ring."
"This is a special case. The woman in question has defeated every other female wrestler in the league. She demanded that we allow her to fight male competitors."
"Let's watch as the two competitors make their way to the ring." Both women turn to watch.
From one side walks in a young blonde man with a huge entourage. He's wearing his trademark gold and white tights.
From another side, walks a striking blonde woman with pupil-less blue eyes and spiky eyebrows in a black leather mini-dress. The male contingent of the audience immediately put up signs that say, "Spank me!" and "Love that dress!" and "Pin me to the mat!" She's accompanied by her infamous manager Lady Une. Once she gets into the ring, the Dominatrix strips down to something even more revealing, but still black and made of leather.
Of course it was a complete slaughter.
"Oooooh, that's gotta hurt," says Noin, wincing as Dorothy proceeds to elbow Quatre in the head, and give him a backbreaker over her knee. .
"Looks like she's doing really well," says Sally. "I'd like to see how she does with the other wrestlers."
Relena walked over to Dorothy sitting on top of Quatre, twisting his feet. "Dorothy . . ." she said, about to reprimand her.
"Oh, Relena-sama, I think I saw Heero in the last row, holding the sign ‘Omae o Korosu.' Why don't you go to him?" Dorothy said.
"Really?" The referee then proceeded to run out of the ring, leaving Dorothy free reign to inflict pain on the bishonen. She then proceeded to try to poke his eyes out with her eyebrows.
Pierrot was watching the situation when he turned to his manager and said, "Catherine, we must save my Prince. I will fend off Dorothy while you drag Quatre away."
"You are wrong, Trowa," said Catherine. She took off her business outfit to reveal a flimsy circus acrobat's outfit. "I will fend off Dorothy and you go in there and rescue your man!"
Sally looks at the ring and says, "Oh, my God, what's going on? It looks like Pierrot and Catherine are rushing toward the ring to save him."
Noin looks at Sally, "Um, why is he called the Prince of Pain, anyway?"
"For some reason, he seems to be the recipient of a lot of it."
"Oh, that's not a good wrestling name, then."
Catherine jumped into the ring and said, "I challenge you, woman to woman!"
Dorothy was about to throw Quatre out of the ring, then throw a bunch of chairs on top of him, but instead just threw him down on the mat. "I was getting tired of him anyway."
Catherine and Dorothy then proceeded to fight the most savage hand to hand duel known to GWWF since its inception, rivaling even the worst steel cage bouts. The violence level was upped when knives, whips, chain and folding chairs suddenly appeared inside the ring. The men in the audience were stomping their feet and bellowing out their approvals with noises like "EEEYEAHHHHH!" whistling and hooting.
Sally turned to Noin and said, "I believe this answers the eternal question of what men prefer to watch: sex or violence?"
"And what is the answer, Sally?"
"Sexy violence!"
Meanwhile, Pierrot aka Trowa Barton aka Triton Bloom aka Nanashi aka the Butt took his bruised one to the nurse's station for a check-up.
"Wow, this is even better than Ashita no Joe," said Noin, referring to the classic boxing manga.
"Mmmm," said Sally.
Finally, Catherine and Dorothy stop fighting, talk for a few seconds, then take up a microphone. "We've got an announcement to make."
The crowd quiets down for a few seconds.
"We've decided to join forces and become a tag team!" Both women raise their hands in the air.
"WOOOHOOOO!" screams the crowd and they clap like crazy.
"We are invincible!" screams Dorothy.
Relena comes back and says, "Heero wasn't there!" She snatches the microphone and yells, "HEEEEROOOOOOO!!!"
Catherine snatches the microphone back. "Don't DO that!"
"Oh, that was most exciting!" says Noin.
"Quite," agreed Sally. "I love all these surprises!"
"All right, let's now cut to another commercial break," said Noin.
Commercial
"Are you interested in freaking people out? Well, then try wearing these contacts! It will make you look as if you have no pupils, but you will still be able to see! Make enemies uneasy and keep nosy people away!" says the cheerful announcer as she puts the contacts in and instantly has eyes like Dorothy, which makes the other people in the commercial shudder.
The next commercial has a shot of a big bubble bath with man smiling happily holding a wine glass, and a massage table nearby. A woman with long brown hair smiles softly and says, "Come to Khushrenada spas where you can relax in our jacuzzis, full of nice aromatherapy oils. Rose oils are our specialty. You will also given a pedicure, manicure and a facial, then your whole body is wrapped in a seaweed wrap where your skin will be cleansed of all pollutants. We will call you by name and add the honorific "sama". The people at our spas will do anything to make your stay a pleasant one. For a low price, we guarantee you the height of decadence. Please call the 800 number on your screen, we are ready to take you away from it all!"
"Our GWWF title holder, Soldier Boy is going up against an up and coming challenger named Shinigami, whose popularity has just skyrocketed."
"Yes, it's quite amazing. He just came out of nowhere. I am terribly excited to see just what happens," said Sally.
Soldier Boy aka Heero Yuy was accompanied by his manager, a young but sharp woman named Sylvia Noventa. She was wearing a blue dress while he wore his trademark black spandex shorts and green tank top. "Now, don't do anything stupid in the ring like land on your head. I don't want to spend all the prize money on hospital care," scolded Sylvia.
"Hn."
"Can't you please change your style of fighting?" sighed Sylvia.
"I'm sorry, but this is the only way I know how."
Meanwhile from the other side, Shinigami aka Duo Maxwell was being given a cheery pep talk by his manager and confidant Hilde. "I know you can do it, Duo baby."
"Thanks, Hilde. If I win, I'll treat you to steak and lobster." He took off the black robe he was wearing to show off to show off black tights with the Japanese characters for "shinigami" in white in a diagonal pattern.
"Excellent."
"I hope all the visualizations of what you're going to do to him helped."
"Yes, it did."
The two opponents sized each other up in the ring. Suddenly sparkles appear around Heero.
Sally frowns. "Noin, have you ever seen sparkles before? They weren't on the program."
"I don't recall anything like this," whispered Noin back.
"So you're the Soldier Boy, huh?" said Shinigami, cracking his knuckles. "You really don't look like much. Still, I don't plan on holding back." He punched Heero across the face only to get hit in the stomach. "Damn it!" Then he fell to the mat, briefly unconscious.
"HEEERROOOOO? Are you hurt?" said Relena. "Mmph." Heero had gagged her with his tanktop, then used the ropes that bordered the ring to tie her up. Then he lowered her to the ground outside the ring and turned his attention back to Shinigami.
Shinigami was now conscious and found himself pinned to the mat, looking up at two blue eyes looking down at him, smiling.
"Damn, you got pinned me to that mat. I guess you win. I look so terrible. You can get off now... Are you listening to me?"
Sally squints and says, "They're wrestling horizontally."
"That's not a regulation move," said Noin.
Suddenly, both their faces turn red.
"Kyaaaaa!!!" screams Sylvia and Hilde when they realize what's going on.
"Um, we're having technical difficulties. Please stand by!" says Sally, her face a beet red.
The TV screen shows static, then a commercial appears.
Commercial
Trowa Barton is seen wearing a pair of jeans. There's a series of shots of his crotch, his butt and legs. "Barton jeans," he said flatly. "When you want everyone's attention without wearing buttless chaps." The camera pulled back to show Quatre and all forty of the Manganacs forming a circle around him, warding off Trowa's many amorous suitors. They can be heard screaming, "I must have the Trowa!"
"Can you tame the wild clown inside me? Can you ride a lion like you would a Shetland pony? Until you can, you can not have the Trowa!" He puts his hand over his eyes ever so melodramatically.
The next commercial shows a man with long, blonde hair smiling at the camera holding a shampoo bottle. "When you want your hair at its best, use Peacecraft shampoo, created from a family recipe that's been handed down through the generations. Nothing is too good for your hair. Also available is our gel, which gives you extra hold for those really unusual hair styles," coos Zechs Marquise aka Milliard Peacecraft aka Goose Boy.
When the show comes back on, Sally and Noin have unloosened a button and have a fan each on their desk.
"To answer all those phone calls that just flooded the station, please don't worry, Soldier Boy and Shinigami are just fine. They've just been given a room, a soundproof room," said Sally. "Details will be forthcoming."
"Forthcoming," snickered Noin, then both women laugh before coughing and acting more professional.
"Will Dorothy and Catherine take over the GWWF? Will Zechs Marquise get to show Soldier Boy who's on top? What's going on with the Boy Scout, Pierrot and the Prince of Pain? Will the Chupacabra still remain male?" said Noin, breathlessly.
"If you want to know the answers to these questions, then join us next week for another round GWWF, the most popular wrestling federation on Earth and the colonies!" said Sally. "Goodbye for now."
Both women wave and the end credits roll.
The End
(:./mk/gwwf1)
