15-Aug-2004
Title: Nothing Left To Weather – 1/3
Author: tkmaxwell777
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2, past 2xH
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Angst, Duo POV, Language, Lemon, and Sap
Archived: Yep! Gundam Wing Addiction and TK Maxwell Original Christian and Yaoi Fiction
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters. Bandai, Sotsu, Sunrise, and the original Japanese creators do. This story is a parody of their defined universe and is in no way an official continuation of the original story. I consider all underage characters engaging in sexual activity to be Emancipated Minors or social equivalents under military service. This story is for entertainment purposes only. It is a fantasy and should not be read as a realistic representation of actual romantic relationships. Content is not intended to condone or condemn any of the lifestyles or viewpoints portrayed through the characters. I make no money at this. I write only for the pleasure of feedback! This story was inspired by the song 'You'll Think Of Me' by Keith Urban.
I looked out the window of my bedroom, wondering why I had woken so abruptly. It wasn't even light outside yet, so I knew it was still early morning. I hadn't had a nightmare, or even a dream that I could recall, but then again I couldn't remember falling asleep either. I sighed at that realization and suddenly wished that I could see my old friend, the moon, shining through the threadbare curtains instead of the artificial sky. I had gazed up at the earthly beacon so many times during the first Eve's War, relying on its ethereal strength to remind me of why I had to keep fighting – why I had to keep living – even when things got hard. I ached for the simplicity of those times, even as I prayed that they would never come again. It was a damned double-edged sword of sorts, and I couldn't help but curse my nature to always want something that would only end up devastating someone else.
Sometimes those crazy days of fighting seemed to beckon to me like old friends, and I could remember with some fondness what it had been like to be a vengeful wraith full of piss and vinegar, the harbinger of death and destruction, hell-bent on making those Alliance bastards pay for every victim they'd claimed on my colony. Back then I'd lived my life according to my own beliefs, never caring about what someone else said I should be. All that had mattered was making it through another battle, living to fight another day, and being good enough at what I had to do so that we could find peace. Now, over two years after the beginning of Operation Meteor, I was lying in my bed, feeling like I had lost that fiery part of myself along the way. I'd turned into a person I didn't even recognize anymore.
Someone I didn't particularly like.
I snorted disdainfully at myself for such self-pity and quickly turned away from the window. I was on an L2 colony, and the bright light from that other celestial sphere was just as good as a million miles away. There was no reason to wish on stars... or other heavenly bodies for that matter anyway. I'd learned that the hard way more than once, and it annoyed me that I could still be surprised every time that lesson was reinforced in my life. Made me feel like I was taking the short bus to school or something. Or maybe I was just too stubborn to accept the situation. I'd never done reality very well. My vivid imagination had always been preferable, and although fantasy could never give you what you really wanted, it could be damn restful when you were hurting too much to face the harshness of your world crumbling around you. I'd overcome a lot of shit by ignoring it until I'd found a way to cope with it, and even if it wasn't exactly 'healthy', it was effective. I could actually walk by the Maxwell Church ruins without flinching now. Tell me that wasn't progress.
I glanced at the bedside clock and groaned loudly. Hilde's damn cat had gotten into the habit of waking us up around four every morning, and apparently I'd gotten used to it. I felt a pang of loss at not hearing the little fur ball mewing at me to 'get my lazy ass up and feed him'. At least, that's how I'd always translated it. Cleo had only been a few months old, marmalade in color, and vocal as hell. Hilde had once said it was a tie between the cat and me for which one talked the most, and that she was trying to decide who to get rid of so she could see some peace. At the time, I'd flipped her off, scooped Cleo up from the couch, and locked myself in the bedroom for an hour, having a rather animated conversation with the cat purely out of spite. She hadn't been all that amused, but I hadn't cared. I'd made my point. Of course, in the end, I guess she had too.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about how empty the bed felt without her there. Hilde was as tactile as I am, and it was hard not to miss the warmth of her body beside me, the feel of her leg over mine, and her arm against my back. It was how she'd always slept when sharing a bed with me, tucked up behind me, her forehead resting on my shoulder blade. Although we'd had the salvage yard together since the end of the first war, she hadn't moved in with me until I'd returned from the second one. We'd become romantically involved soon after. If I'd known that seven months later we would not only end our relationship, but our friendship and partnership at the yard as well, I never would have given into her pleading for us to 'just see if we could be more'.
No matter how lonely I'd been at the time.
It was that thought that made me throw back the covers and get out of bed to find something else to do besides think. I took a rather long shower, needing to feel the warmth of the water as it surrounded me. When I finally got out, I pulled on some worn blue jeans and an old black tee shirt that said 'You should see the other guy' from my closet. I really needed to do some laundry tomorrow. It took me another hour to tame my hair into some semblance of order for some reason, but I finally had it in its normal braid. I walked out the front door at around six, heading straight to the little diner down the street. It was odd, but I'd never eaten there before until a couple weeks ago, even though I'd lived in the vicinity ever since I'd returned to the colony.
Most of the people knew me in the neighborhood, so it wasn't like I was a stranger or anything, but there were quite a few places that I'd missed, what with being so busy with the yard and placating Hilde. One thing I could say about being unemployed was that it gave me flexible hours. Sure, I'd worked whenever I wanted at the yard, but being an owner had meant that I had responsibilities that interfered with Saturday morning cartoons sometimes. Not that there were any good ones on anymore, but that was beside the point. Today was Tuesday anyway – at least that's what the chalkboard proclaimed as I walked into the diner, the bell tinkling loudly above the door.
"Your young man is here, Mavis!" A dyed-blonde woman named Chloe called out, much to my chagrin.
One of the waitresses at the diner had decided that I was just the kind that needed mothering, and that she was just the one to do it. I blushed in spite of myself as the middle-aged woman made her way over to the table where I'd sat down. It was one of those 'park it where you want' joints, but no matter where I ended up, I always managed to be in her section. Sometimes I thought she bribed the other girls to let her wait on me, but instead of feeling odd about it, I felt kind of warmed by the attention. I'd been coming to the diner almost every day since that first time, so I guess I was considered a regular now. It was kind of nice to belong somewhere, though I didn't know whether to be amused or a little aggravated as the salt-and-pepper-haired lady gave me a good once over.
"You haven't been taking care of yourself, baby boy," she scolded good-naturedly. "Those dark circles under your eyes make you look like a raccoon, and you're getting too skinny..."
I wanted to sigh but managed to dredge up a smile for her instead. "Now don't get all worked up on my account, Mavis. Just give me coffee. Black."
She shook her head in that condescending way women everywhere know how to do. It roughly translates as 'You're impossible, and I don't know why I bother, but I have to try'. She had it down as well as I did my 'Who me?' look. As I watched her walk to the counter, I began thinking again, much against my will, and found myself comparing Mavis and Hilde as I sat there waiting on my morning caffeine jolt. While Mavis was a tad bit insistent, she wasn't overbearing the way Hilde had become near the end. Mavis seemed to genuinely care about my welfare as a person, while Hilde had seemed to only worry about me if it directly concerned her. It hurt to admit it, but it was true.
I could remember those first few days after she'd left, how I'd tried to not feel guilty for being relieved at not having to come home and fight about stupid shit every night. I had been downright giddy because I could walk around the apartment in my underwear, drink straight from the fucking milk carton, and leave the damn toilet seat up without getting bitched at for an hour over it. It had been like moving out on my own all over again, and the thrill of it had helped to keep away the hurt, loneliness, and anger of a failed relationship. Like some college kid on Spring Break, I'd ordered pizzas exactly like I wanted them, watched the television shows I liked, and stayed up as late as I could because I could get up as late as I needed to without worrying about it interfering with my daily activities.
It all kind of got a little out of control. I spent inordinate amounts of time in the shower – washing, rinsing, and deep conditioning; hell, my hair had never looked that good – all because I didn't have to worry about getting yelled at for using all of the hot water. I ate cookies in bed. I left empty soda cans on the coffee table. I even cranked up 'Shook Me All Night Long' and sang with it as loudly as I could on auto-repeat for a solid hour one day. It was that 'fuck you, Hilde' attitude that helped me get over her leaving. Even now, I couldn't help but be glad that I didn't have to put up with a lot of the things 'just to keep her from getting upset'.
Of course, I missed her too – can't be with someone that long and not feel something when they take off – but I was coping with that okay, right? I had returned to my thirty-minute showers and restricted my eating to only the living room in front of the television. I wasn't playing my music too loudly anymore or ordering pizza every night. I still walked around in my underwear most of the time, but I guess there are just some things a person needs to do to be himself. Besides, it was comfortable, and I was done wearing those bikini briefs she'd tried to force on me.
I was brought out of my wandering thoughts when Mavis returned with my black coffee. As I tried to burn off all of my taste buds, I was startled by the sound of crockery hitting the table, making me look at my would-be benefactor curiously. I watched as she placed a plate of toast with scrambled eggs and a fruit bowl in front of me, and I know I scowled in spite of being comforted by the gesture. I was a grown man. I didn't need some over-protective lady trying to force-feed me.
"Don't argue with me," she began before I could say anything. "You come in here, drink four cups of coffee, and go off like that's breakfast. You're going to kill yourself, and I'm not going to stand by and let you do it, no matter how many times you try to sweet-talk me."
I gave into that earlier need to sigh, and then looked down at the golden buttered slices next to cheerful yellow fluff. I felt nauseous just thinking about eating. "I just haven't been very hungry lately," I muttered absently. Mavis made a sound of distress, and when I looked back up, her face was filled with real concern.
"Baby boy, you have to eat," she said, as though I was one of her children. She placed a warm hand on my shoulder, and I flinched in spite of her soothing manner. No one had touched me for over a month. Her face softened even more as she continued to look at me. "I don't know your story, Duo, but I can tell that you're hurting. The least I can do is make sure you get a good meal and show you that there's someone who cares if you come through that door again tomorrow."
I felt my face redden in embarrassment and looked away. "I'm fine," I told her. "It's just been a rough couple of weeks. I'm... adjusting." My self-control was slipping and I knew I had to do something before I ended up crying into her apron. Older women had that affect on me for some reason. I picked up a piece of toast before glancing at her again. "But I'll try to eat, okay?"
She watched as I took a bite and then nodded her head in approval. "Good... but you're cut off after two cups today. Of course, if you want some juice, that's okay. We have Orange, Cranberry, and Grape. Milk or tea is acceptable too, but I suggest milk since it doesn't have any caffeine. Lord knows you don't need anymore of that if you drink the coffee Conrad makes." She nodded towards the cook in the back, and I blinked at her in surprise, but then she was gone, flittering over to another table.
Well shit. Seemed like I had slipped into a time warp or something. Sister Helen had always limited my caffeine intake back at the orphanage, forcing me to drink milk and juice instead of soda. I wondered if God was having one over on me, but then felt guilty thinking that and actually ordered some damn milk when I'd finished my only cup of coffee. Mavis beamed at me, not only bringing a large glass of the stuff, but some kind of banana-nut muffin thing with it. I managed to eat some of my eggs, most of my toast, and all of the fruit. As I studied the muffin dubiously, I thought about how Hilde would have laughed her ass off if anyone had even suggested I eat something so 'healthy'. I did miss her laughter... more than anything.
I still didn't understand how that 'more' had quickly turned into something neither Hilde or I could deal with without yelling and slamming doors. That had begun about four months after she'd moved in and had ended a month ago when she'd moved out. It hadn't been like that between us at first. She'd been so excited about our new relationship and willing to meet me half way on most things; but as the weeks passed, she gradually changed into someone that I didn't want to be around... except in the bedroom. Strange as it sounds, anger and resentment can make for some passionate sex; the frustration and hurt translate into unrestrained raw emotion that pleasure can feed off of as easily as love and desire. The only problem was that our intimate moments turned into nothing but sex. Near the end it was almost like we were making war instead of love, and although it was damn arousing, it was damn empty too. It had all turned into a no-win situation.
I came out of my recollections to realize that I'd been sitting there in the diner for nearly two hours, and then noticed that Mavis had snuck in some juice during my musings, because a half-empty glass was on the table. I couldn't help but smile. Maybe it was worth the aggravation to have someone care that I eat my breakfast instead of drink it. I'd never known my mother, but Sister Helen had been the closest thing I'd ever had, and this waitress was beginning to measure up to my memories of the woman I had adored as a child at the mission. I didn't know what to think about that, but when Mavis came back over, I told her 'thank you', gave her a nice tip, and hugged her. By the time I left, I felt like I was going to explode from all the food I'd eaten, but I felt much better than I had when I'd walked in.
Banana-nut muffins are apparently a stimulant.
On the way home, I decided to stop off at the art supply store. I'd always been interested in drawing, and had even done some during the war, but after Hilde had seen one of my sketchbooks and told me 'not to quit my day job', I'd stopped doing it. Now that she was gone, I was hoping to find that interest again. Sometimes I felt like she'd been just a bit jealous of my ability, and now that I didn't have to worry about her comments, I was going to be my own person once more and do it for myself. I had to find the person I had been – and somehow lost – a few months ago. I was pretty sure that he was a better person than I'd become.
Two hours later, sketchpads and charcoal pencil sets bought, I walked back to the apartment. Even though I had taken my time, it was still only around ten when I looked at the clock in the living room as I came through the front door. Making my way into the kitchen, I pulled a soda out of the fridge and began contemplating what I was going to do today. I wasn't in the mood to draw just yet, so that wasn't on the agenda. I certainly didn't need to look for another job yet. The settlement Hilde had given me for my half of the yard had been more than generous, and I was good at making money stretch, so it would last me for quite a while.
I thought about going down to the center and volunteering time, but I didn't think they'd accept me at my age. Even though I was legally an adult, I wasn't eighteen yet. On top of that, I wasn't exactly what you would call an orthodox individual, so they might not like my somewhat distorted view on life. Fighting a war at fifteen tended to make you see things just a bit differently than other people, and although I thought I was pretty optimistic in spite of what had happened to me in my life, some might consider me a little... jaded. I didn't think I could be that supportive of kids whose biggest problem was their parents not giving them enough of an allowance. I'd been lucky to have food to eat growing up, so that kind of thing just didn't sit well with me.
Now if the center had some street kids on their hands, it would be different. I'd know exactly how to handle them. Probably would be able to reach them when no one else could. I'd been where they are, could understand how they felt, and why they did what they felt they had to do. It would be a challenge, and I smiled at that – until my earlier thought about that 'double-edged sword' made me realize that I might not be what they needed after all. My mind then supplied me with mental images of not being able to cope with losing a kid to drugs or gangs, and I shuddered. Yeah, I probably didn't qualify as someone who could help a struggling kid, especially at the moment since my own life had just been...
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, desperately wanting a nap.
The couch beckoned to me when I came out of the kitchen, and I told myself that I'd just doze off for a while. I was startled awake when a knock came at the door. Disoriented as hell because it was almost dark inside the apartment, it took me a few minutes to gather my wits. I'd apparently fallen asleep for quite some time. As the knock sounded again, I managed to haul my ass up and stumble to answer it. I couldn't for the life of me figure out who was coming to see me. I hadn't exactly told any of the pilots that Hilde had moved out. Even though I think they'd all sensed a problem recently, none of them had said anything to me about it, knowing that I'd just blow it off instead of telling them what was really going on.
It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the support; I just hadn't felt like dealing with Quatre's saddened expression, Trowa's understanding look, or Wufei's concerned regard. Heero wouldn't have reacted like them, giving me some space to deal with it myself instead, but he would have told the others, so I'd been putting off letting any of them know for as long as I could. I had a feeling 'as long as I could' wasn't going to be long enough as I peeked out the small peephole and the sight of familiar chocolate brown hair met my eyes. Although part of me was glad to see my visitor, the rest wasn't too thrilled, and I couldn't contain the sigh of annoyance that escaped me. Forcing a smile onto my face, I quickly opened the door to see Heero standing there.
"Hey, buddy! Long time, no see," I said cheerfully. I really wasn't ready yet for this yet.
Calm blue eyes assessed me for a moment and then Heero nodded in greeting. "Duo. It's been a while."
"Yeah, it has," I agreed, grasping for my usual boisterous attitude. Why did it seem so far away suddenly? "So, what are you doing here? Need me to help you save the Princess again?" Oh, smooth, Maxwell. Bitter much?
Heero frowned, as he looked me over again. "I came to see you."
Resisting the urge to blink, I smirked at him. "Oh, okay. So, what's up?"
"You tell me, Duo. When I went to the yard, they told me that you weren't working there any longer."
Hells bells! This wasn't something I wanted to deal with right now. Had he spoken to Hilde? Did he know...? I shook my head, but it wasn't really in response to his words. Swallowing the first couple of things that came to mind, I decided on, "Nope. No longer working there."
Heero sighed in annoyance. I was tempted to 'welcome him to the club', but decided to keep my mouth shut. He paused for a moment and then said quietly, "They told me that you sold out to Hilde."
'Sold out to Hilde'. Now there was a turn of phrase. It hit the wall of denial that I had been building ever since she'd left and blew it apart like it had never existed. As I stood there gaping at my former comrade, I realized that I had indeed 'sold out' to her - in more ways than one. I'd repressed my feelings and let her manipulate me into being what she'd wanted, and in the end, it still hadn't been enough. That wasn't love. That wasn't anything like love. What had made me think that she was worth losing myself? What kind of person whores his heart just because he's lonely? I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. I must have mumbled something to the effect because Heero was dragging me to the bathroom a second later. I barely made it to the toilet before I began throwing up everything I'd ever eaten. I don't know how long I was bent over the porcelain, but Heero stood there with me, holding my braid and rubbing my back gently. When the dry heaving began, he wet a washcloth and placed it on my neck to soothe me. By the time my stomach settled, I had accepted the fact that I hadn't been coping with this as well as I'd thought... and that I'd embarrassed the shit out of myself in front of Heero.
"I'm sorry, man," I told him as I rinsed out my mouth, trying to salvage my pride. "Must have been something I ate."
Heero glared at me. "You've never lied to me before, Duo Maxwell," he replied angrily. "Don't you dare do it now."
I flushed. "I... Heero..."
"What I said upset you," he observed evenly. "Don't try to deny it, or so help me... "
I looked away. "Yeah, well, maybe I don't like having my face shoved in the fact I couldn't... " I stopped, suddenly appalled at what I had been about to say. It ran something along the lines of 'the fact I couldn't hold onto my only chance at a relationship'. Did I really believe that? I didn't think I wanted to know the answer.
"Duo, I could have told you that it wouldn't work out. You were both too much alike in all the wrong ways."
That's when I got angry. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? She was nothing like me!" Before Heero could reply, I continued, "Look, I appreciate you coming to check up on me and everything, but I'm fine! I don't need someone here telling me a bunch of shit that doesn't matter now. I'm impressed that you already knew that this was doomed to failure, but you're a little late to share that information, so I suggest... "
"I'm not leaving," Heero began, his voice that one from the war that there was no arguing with. "You need my help, whether you realize it or not."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm doing just fine on my own, Yuy. I have a mothering waitress down at the diner that makes sure I eat, I'm getting back into drawing, and I'm adjusting to being on my own again. I don't need someone here to tell me what to do." That was the last thing I needed, and Heero was the last person I wanted to do it.
"Adjusting? Duo, have you even looked around your place recently?"
That remark made me pause in my rambling. "What?"
Heero took me by the arm and led me from the bathroom into the living room. "Take a good look at what your life has become, Maxwell. You need to quit ignoring things and face up to what's going on."
I started to yell at him to mind is own fucking business when I caught sight of my apartment. "What the hell?"
I had thought that my little soda can fetish had only extended to the coffee table, but there were cans scattered all over the floor – by the couch, on the chair, next to the bookcase, under the window – it was a miracle that I hadn't broken my damn neck walking around the room. I could remember ordering pizza and Chinese takeout, but I'd thought I had taken the trash out on a regular basis over the past three weeks. There were pizza boxes and empty cartons thrown haphazardly with the cans. I felt like I was going to be sick again, but just didn't have the strength.
Heero was suddenly holding onto me, and I realized I had swayed slightly. "It's okay, Duo. I'm going to help you."
"Shit," I muttered, completely shocked and mortified at how bad I'd let things get. "Shit, what's wrong with me?"
"It's called deep depression," Heero said softly. "Sometimes a person doesn't even realize that he's not doing normal day-to-day activities, his mind allowing him to ignore his surroundings because it's so tied up with the pain of what he's going through." He paused and then asked rather tentatively, "When was the last time you washed your hair?"
I looked at him. "Yesterday."
"Are you sure?"
I opened my mouth to reply that I was certain, but then it occurred to me that I didn't really know. I could remember washing it, but had that been yesterday or the day before? Or had it been a week before? I looked at him and felt like I was drowning. "I... don't know."
He nodded. "All right. Well, first things first, you need to take a shower and wash it. It looks like it's been a couple of weeks, but I'm not positive."
I flushed again, mortified beyond belief. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... "
Heero interrupted me. "Duo, it's going to be all right. We just need to take things one-step at a time. I'll stay with you for as long as you need me."
"And what if I don't get better?" I asked and almost bit my own tongue. What the hell had made me ask that? I didn’t want him here, right? Still, I was beginning to realize just how lonely I had been, and just how much Heero's presence was grounding me at the moment. I was suddenly pissed at myself for needing that but his words startled me out of my anger.
"I'll stay, no matter what," he said with a sheepish look. "If you want, I can just move in. Not like I have anyone to go back to, and I've always enjoyed your company... even when you annoyed me on purpose."
My jaw hit the floor. Had I heard that right? "Are you insane? We'd fight all the time!"
Heero snorted. "Actually, we're more suited to be roommates than you and Hilde ever were."
I could see a slight blush on his cheeks as he said that but didn't know why. I was still reeling from the possibility of not having to be alone again. Even though Heero would only be a friend, that was better than nothing, right? In fact, as I thought about it, it might just be what I needed, at least for a while until I got my head back on straight. I looked into his serious blue eyes and gave him a small smile.
"Well, at least I won't have to worry about putting the damn toilet seat down." He actually smiled at that, and I felt better than I had in weeks.
"Go take your shower," he said gruffly, but I could tell he was pleased at my acceptance of his offer. "I'm going to see what I can scrounge up for food. You need to eat."
I groaned. "I had a huge breakfast!"
"And threw it all up," Heero reminded me, making me wince.
"Okay, okay. Don't remind me. Go ahead and look, but I doubt you'll find anything." I didn't give him a chance to answer before I turned around and headed to the bathroom. I dared to look in the mirror when I walked into the room. What I saw there was enough to make me glad that Heero had shown up, even if the more self-reliant part of my psyche protested it.
Mavis had been right about the raccoon thing. Dark circles were under my eyes. I looked like I'd been living on the streets for the past month. My skin had a sickly pallor to it, obviously from not getting the right food into my system. As I took in my hair, I realized why I'd had such trouble with it that morning; it was still partially tangled in places, and really oily in others. Heero had probably estimated the last time I'd washed it pretty accurately. My clothes looked like I'd worn them – and slept in them – more than once, the faint scent of sweat supporting that theory. All in all, I had to admit that I looked like shit.
I felt my face burn in shame as I turned on the shower and stripped. Depression. How fucking humiliating! I'd survived the hell of being a street rat by becoming a master thief and con man. I'd lived through two damn wars as a badass pilot, going as far as to call myself Shinigami, the God of Death, out of sheer perversity. I'd returned to the place that had turned its back on me when I had been the only one fighting for it, making a life for myself in spite of it all. I'd endured all of that, thriving on the challenges, but I couldn't deal with a break-up without losing my mind? Great – just great! How could Heero even stomach looking at me? We'd been through tougher things than some girl walking out on us. Hell, Heero had stood by and watched Relena marry someone else for crying out loud! He had to think I was such a weak baka to let Hilde leaving get to me like this. I'd faced death, destruction, even my past...
"Duo?"
I shook myself out of my self-recriminations at Heero's voice. "Yeah?" I called out through the door as I quickly began unbraiding my hair. How long had I been standing there?
"You were right about not having anything for dinner. I'm going out to get something. Go ahead and get your shower. I'll be back soon."
"All right. See you then," I yelled back before stepping into the hot spray. I sure as hell was going to be done before he got back with the food.
I let the water flow over me, the heat easing my tense muscles. I had to get my shit together. Heero had brought my problem to my attention, but it was up to me to fix it, and I debated with myself over letting him stay. I didn't know if I could handle him seeing me come apart the way I feared I was going to before this was all over, but I didn't want to be alone either. My recent actions had pointed out rather clearly that I needed help. Still, it was bad enough that he'd seen me in this condition. How could he respect me if he saw how messed up I really was inside? I knew there was some stuff I'd been hiding from that I would have to deal with now, but that didn't mean I knew how to deal with it. I didn't want Heero watching me muddle through it, but I guess I didn't have a choice.
I snorted and rinsed the shampoo out of my hair, squirting conditioner into my palm as the last of the suds swirled down the drain. Once the slippery stuff was in, I began washing the rest of me. It didn't take long to finish. I was soon toweling myself off as I walked into my bedroom to get some clothes. I froze when I reached the full-length mirror on my closet door. I'd thought the other view had been bad. I stared at myself, wondering how I'd managed to avoid seeing this in the mirror every day. What kind of mind could ignore how I looked? No wonder Mavis was always trying to get me to eat. I'd lost weight. I mean it's not like I was ever all that imposing, but working at the yard had toned my muscles, giving me a lithe but powerful build. I'd lost that muscle almost completely.
I let my hand trace down my chest to my abdomen, noticing how I could almost see my ribs. How could I be this thin? Hilde had only been gone a month. The takeout cartons in the other room proved that I'd been eating some. Then again, I'd always had a high metabolism, so if I had only eaten one meal a day, I guess it could explain what I was seeing. Muscles had literally been eaten away to sustain me. My legs no longer had their former definition, my shoulders seemed almost frail, and my arms looked like they had when I was twelve before my Gundam training. I let my eyes continue their downward progress until I was looking at my groin. My flaccid cock lay against my balls, curly chestnut hair partially covering the limp flesh as if to protect it from my glare. It hadn't seen any action since Hilde had left, not even masturbatory satisfaction. I wondered if it ever would again. Who would want me? Who would ever want a man who had fallen into the state of mind that had allowed this to happen?
"Duo? Are you okay?"
I whirled around to see Heero standing warily in the doorway. "H-Heero?"
"I came in and called for you," he explained, his eyes taking in my appearance in a way that made me want to hide.
I suddenly lunged for the bed, hoping to grab the sheet to cover myself. The last thing I wanted was for Heero to see me like this. He'd known me when I had been at my prime, physically conditioned and honed for the war. I couldn't bear seeing disgust in his eyes at how my body looked now. I was so focused on getting to the bed that my feet got tangled up. If Heero hadn't caught me, I would have landed pretty hard; instead, solid arms wound around me as he slid us carefully to the floor. I felt my face heat up again at the contact. I hadn't had anyone this close for weeks, and to say that it didn't feel good would have been a damn lie. The feeling of being in someone's arms broke me in a way I wasn't expecting. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't stop the trembling. Heero pulled the sheet off of the bed and tucked it around me, and although it helped to keep me from getting chilled, it didn't stop my shivering.
"Duo? Are you hurt? I didn't mean to walk in... I'm sorry, but... damn it, you didn't answer me, and I didn't know what else to do. Are you all right?" Heero's voice was full of concern. When the hell had he become so caring? The man I'd known during the war, even after Mariemaia, would have already let me go by now.
I started to tell him 'yeah', that I was okay. I started to push him away and tell him to leave. Those were the things I should have been doing, but I wrapped myself tightly around him instead and said in a voice I didn't even recognize, "No. I'm n-not." His arms tightened, and I suddenly found myself being rocked back and forth like some child. I buried my face in his neck, just enjoying the comfort. I felt pathetic, but at least I wasn't alone.
"What's wrong?"
I clutched at him tighter, feeling like the biggest damn loser, but unable to stop needing what he was giving me. "It hurts so much," I managed to choke out while still keeping the tears at bay somehow. "I want it to stop, but I don't know what to do... "
"I know," he replied, the words a little strangled.
"What do you know about it?" I ground out, angry all at once – at myself for giving into my need, at him for trying to act like he understood how I felt. I couldn't believe that he did. When had he ever gone through something like this? How could he know what it felt like to have someone trample all over your heart and then walk away like it meant nothing? How could he know how much I hated myself right now because I couldn't hold onto anything I loved?
"What do I know about it? Quite a bit," Heero replied in a voice that was tinged with slight bitterness. My temper turned to chagrin when I figured out that I'd said my thoughts out loud. He didn't seem to notice my blunder, taking my words as a deliberate inquiry. "I fell in love with someone during the war who ended up with someone else. It hurt so bad I didn't know what to do, so I disappeared for a while until Quatre found me. He made me stay with him, unwilling to let me self-destruct inside like I had wanted to. That was a little while before Relena was kidnapped."
"Quatre?" I asked in shock. I hadn't known that Heero had been in contact with Blondie before coming to get my help with the whole Mariemaia thing.
"Yeah. He helped me get myself back together," he explained, "or at least, he helped me learn how to deal with rejection without hurting myself." He paused and then went on, "After Mariemaia, I stayed on Earth for a while working for Relena's security detail. A couple months passed, and I decided to try having an intimate relationship with Relena, even though I didn't love her. I thought friendship would be enough to get me through the emotional demands. Anything was better than the pain of being alone, right?"
I could feel him shake his head in answer to his own question. It shocked me that he was sharing something so private and obviously painful with me. "Oh, Heero... "
"She said that she loved me, and I thought she'd never leave. I didn't realize that she'd only been in love with the idea of me, not the real person, until she married someone else." Heero rested his cheek on the top of my hair. "I let her go because I knew I couldn't really make her happy, no matter how much I suddenly wanted to. That's why I left Earth. I couldn't bear to see her every day, knowing that I'd never been in her heart."
"I'm so sorry, Heero. I never knew you went through that. Why didn't you come to me?" I asked him, a little hurt that he hadn't even told me, let alone depend on me for comfort.
Heero shifted, bringing us closer together. "You had your own life, Duo. I needed more than you could give."
"I would have been there for you," I mumbled, even though I knew that he was probably right. What kind of friend was I to have let him down like that? "So where did you go?"
"Back to Quatre's. Trowa was there, and between the two of them, they got me through it."
I felt like a heel because he hadn't been able to count on me. It was just another thing that being with Hilde had wrecked. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I wish I could have helped."
He took a deep breath. "I know you do, but I don't want you to feel bad about it. It's in the past. You need to think about your own situation. Just because you couldn't be there for me back then doesn't mean that I can't help you now. It doesn't work that way."
"Heero... " I began, but he cut me off.
"Duo, I know how it feels to be so lonely that you pray for someone to force themselves into your life so you won't feel so isolated, but yet you're afraid of needing someone so much. I've been there. Quatre refused to let me keep him out of my life. I'm refusing to let you keep me out of yours. Let me help you."
I sighed. Okay, so he was making just a little too much sense here. Since he'd already been through it, he would understand how I felt, right? It wouldn't be that humiliating to let him hang around until I got my feet back on the ground – would it? "I guess it couldn't hurt," I told him, sounding annoyed despite my acceptance. "Just don't complain when I drive you up the wall. It's bound to happen, so remember that I warned you."
Heero chuckled. I couldn't remember ever seeing him display amusement over anything except killing the enemy, so it was a little unnerving. "I'll keep that in mind," he told me as he moved to let me go. He then stopped when his hand met with a section of my hair. "Duo, did you rinse out your conditioner?"
"Shit!" I yelled as I jumped up and headed for the bathroom. I couldn't help but flush as Heero's genuine laughter followed me. I smiled at the absurdity of it all in spite of my embarrassment, liking the way Heero's voice echoed through the hallway. It was a pleasant sound, even if the jerk was enjoying himself at my expense. I thought as I turned the shower back on about how nice it was to know that I wasn't the only one with relationship issues. It made me feel like less of an idiot to know Heero had needed Quatre's help... and Trowa's. Maybe having a friend around for a few days wouldn't be so bad. That would be worth a little embarrassment on my part, right?
With a new resolve to quit acting like Heero being there was an imposition, I rinsed my hair. When I walked back into the bedroom, I studiously avoided the mirror, grabbing out a pair of gray pajama bottoms and a black tee shirt that said 'Intelligent Life? Try the next solar system'. Slipping on my boxers, I quickly got dressed and headed into the living room. I was a little surprised at its lack of debris. Then I felt ashamed that Heero had picked up after me. Finally, I settled on being perturbed and went into the kitchen to find my newly self-appointed housekeeper. He was standing by the stove, dishing up fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans out of containers from one of the chicken places down the street. I was momentarily distracted by the scent of extra-crispy that suddenly seemed like the best thing I'd seen to eat in years. I shook my head, forcing my thoughts to remain in 'annoyed mode' for a few more minutes before I gave into my stomach's delusions of grandeur.
"You shouldn't have cleaned up my mess," I said gruffly. It didn't sound too convincing since my voice had that dreamy quality that only happens to me during meals and sex.
Heero stopped his dipping and looked at me. "It didn't take me but a few minutes. I didn't want you to have to deal with it right now."
"It was still my mess," I countered almost petulantly. Yeah, so I didn't like him feeling like he had to take care of me. So sue me. If I was going to get out of this stupid depression, I needed something to do. Cleaning house could be good therapy.
"I have to do my share of the chores too, Duo," Heero pointed out as he placed my plate on the table in front of one of the chairs. I sat down without being prompted as he continued, "Especially if I'm living here. I'm not going to let you get by without helping, but you need to concentrate on getting healthy again, okay?"
I picked up my forked and stabbed at my green beans. Again, he was making too much sense. I had to agree that the most important thing was to get by body back in shape. "Yeah, okay. I guess I'll let it slide this time."
We both fell silent then and ate our meals. I suddenly felt like a black hole had taken over my tummy. By the time I pushed away from the table, I'd put away four pieces of chicken, two helpings of potatoes and gravy and green beans, and three biscuits with butter. I practically waddled into the living room, collapsing onto the couch. I ignored my new roomy's amused yet pleased look as he threw the empty cartons in the trash before joining me to watch the news. I didn't realize how tiring a good meal could be. By the time Letterman reruns came on, I was ready to go to bed.
"I think I'll crash," I said as I looked over at my couch-mate.
Heero yawned. "Yeah, me too. Throw me a pillow and blanket."
"Sure thing," I replied with a smile, though part of me kind of wanted to suggest that he share my room. Yeah, I still missed having someone in bed with me. Get over it. Heero was my friend and former comrade, so I would feel safe with him sleeping beside me. Then again, I didn't want to roll over in the night and snuggle the way I had with Hilde at times. That would have been a little too intimate for two guys who were just friends, so I kept my mouth shut.
I got up and fetched the things he's asked for and then tumbled into bed myself. I was asleep almost before my head touched my pillow, but as I began dreaming, I became really restless. I kept chasing after something in the distance, only to have the unknown thing disappear around the corner every time I got close to it. On and on I ran; feeling like I had to get to whatever the hell it was, or I wouldn't want to even live anymore. I was so exhausted, but I couldn't stop for fear of losing what I was running after. Several times I cried out, begging for what I wanted to wait for me, to not leave me behind – to stay. I was just getting ready to give up on everything when warmth suddenly enveloped me, a comforting embrace that I clung to in hopes of escaping the nightmare. A calm voice whispered to me, and even though I couldn't understand the words, I let them pull me into their safety. The dream faded, and nothing but that warmth remained. I let myself relax into it, relishing the peace it brought to my troubled heart.
For the first time in a very long time, I actually rested while I slept.
End Part 1
(:./tk/nltw1)
