Title: Bunkai Shite Aruite Iku (roughly, "Having Broken, I Walk")
Author: Cutter
Part 2 of 3: Ending
Disclaimer: Not mine. Theirs.
Notes: More interesting but considerably longer than part 1. Sad as it may seem, I had the ideas for most of this part while in church. Japanese glossary at the end of the page if you need it.
For three days there was of lots of beer, lots of dancing, speeches by Relena, interviews, dinners, and countless repetitions of "WuFEI! Kisama, my name is 'Wufei,' not 'Wu-man' or 'Wu-chan' or 'Fei-kun'... Maxwell... ah, what the hell." Relena had arranged quarters for them all, and Hirde was awake. Even Trowa smiled, once. But on the fourth day, Duo woke up early, with a cold in the pit of his stomach. He'd been distracted and elated enough until now that it hadn't really sunk in. Over. It really is... over. And I don't have anything now, no profession, no family... He was horribly disoriented for a moment, and the world tilted crazily. All of a sudden, nothing that he had been for fifteen years of his life was worth anything anymore; Shinigami wasn't needed, and Shinigami was all Duo knew how to be. With a start, he realized that since he was no longer a soldier, he couldn't live in schools and OZ cells and Howard's hideouts anymore. I need somewhere to go.
He rolled out of bed to see Heero come out of the bathroom. He's leaving. He didn't know how he knew, but he did, with absolute certainty, and he knew that it was right. As Duo gazed at him, Heero packed everything he owned neatly into a bag, and then sat down on the other bed. God... he's probably realized, too. What's he going to do? He's more like me than I am. A soldier, and nothing else. Now that he has no more wars to fight... will he self-destruct? Marry Relena? Go off on his own? He stared at Heero, his partner, his occasional lover, and the closest thing he had to a friend. And, to his shame, couldn't care. He could only think Heero's leaving. Getting out of here. He's the smart one; it's a good idea. Hey--this must mean he has a car... "Oi, Hee-chan, you saved the world, huh?"
A pause. Luckily, Duo didn't seem to expect a response. I? Saved the world? Did I, Duo?
"So, you're getting away from this."
"Aa."
That's Heero, always talkative. "Give me a ride?"
Heero turned to look at him, and in that moment, there was perfect understanding between them. We've got nothing now, the two of us. Save the world, and they throw you a party. Then they turn to other things, and it's easy for them to believe that's the end of it. "Ryokai." He gave Duo time to pack his small duffel, and then led the way outside to his hot-wired car. "Where are you going?"
Duo was silent for a long moment. Then, as Heero steered the car away from their temporary diplomatic housing, he saw a cross shape jutting up above the skyline of the city.
I'm going... "To church."
Heero pulled up in front of the old Catholic church, and Duo got out slowly.
"Will I need to pick you up? We're a ways from town." He seemed to speak grudgingly, as if he was not sure he wanted to stay around long enough to do it, but had nowhere else to go. And I owe Duo that much. My partner... my best friend. Ex-partner now, he corrected himself mentally. I owe him. He's done so much for me... rescued me, helped me, fucked me...
"Yeah... Heero... can you come back in a couple of hours and bring me back to the city? I should be finished then." Finished all right--what happens to Death after a visit to the House of Life?
"Aa."
As the car pulled away, Duo stared up at the church. It's really over. The war is over and I don't know what to do with that. I could live with Hirde... go back to the streets... die. Solo is gone, Sister Helen and Father Maxwell are gone, and now the peace that was my reason for living is gone too. Nothing left to fight for... I'm so empty. I wonder how anyone stands it. And I am a murderer now, the God of Death. Ch'. Whatever I do now, I've got a lot of sins to answer for. Duo sighed. It's been so long since my last confession.
Steeling himself, Duo Maxwell walked up the stairs and into the church. Someone was just coming out of the confession booth, and he nodded to her as he made his way in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?"
"I have killed, thousands, and their blood is on my hands. I have coveted my neighbor's possessions, and I have stolen, and I have been sexually involved with another man... " Man, this is going to take awhile.
Heero Yuy did not know what to do. This was unusual. For as long as he could remember, there had been orders. Someone had given him a mission, and he had completed it and waited faithfully for the next one, believing he was fighting for peace. So why, now that I have it, do I feel like... like... screaming? Heero started abruptly and cranked the wheel hard to the right, pulling off of the road and into a park. Screaming? Where did that come from? Am I... weak? Masaka... He leaped out of his seat and began walking furiously, almost running, through the park.
However, the longer he thought about it, the more the scream within him grew. He could feel it; it was lodged in his chest, but it was rising quickly--rising-- Follow your feelings? I never really did before... I tried not to feel at all... but this... this feeling... my world has collapsed! What does it matter, if I have feelings or not?! There is nothing left to fight for!
And he threw his head back and let the scream tear out of him.
When Heero came back to himself, he was on the ground, and disoriented but strangely detached, the way he always felt after being assigned a new mission. Ryokai. There is no more need for soldiers. I am nothing but a soldier. I will eliminate what is not needed. He took his gun from its place in his spandex shorts.
"Oniisan!"
What? Brother? Who called me...?
"Oniisan!" A little girl was running towards him through the park, her dog trailing behind her. "Oniisan, daijoobu desu ka?"
Dog? A little girl and her dog... oh god. NO! Not again, not now--
"Oniisan?"
Heero's head jerked up. "Nan da?" he demanded roughly. Punishment I deserve punishment for what I've done... blood on my hands... I will shed my own blood.
"I heard a scream, and I came to see if someone was hurt, and here you are. Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. You can go back to your mother."
"You seem really sad, though." She noticed the gun, and her eyes widened. "Are you a soldier? You look like my big brother. He's not old enough to be a soldier."
Are you lost, 'niisan? Are you lost? Little girl and her dog... I've been lost all my life.
"'Niisan, you shouldn't be sad. The war is over."
"But that's why I am sad," Heero replied, so distracted he did not realize what he was admitting. Lost all my life and now my compass gone...
"That's backwards!" she informed him. "'Niisan, can you help me?"
"Help... you... "
"Hai! I found this puppy by the road, and I think his family died in the war. So I brought him home, but Mommy said I couldn't keep him. So I need to find someone to give him to. You should take him. Dogs are good for sad people."
Heero was startled. Me... keep the dog... why is she giving me anything? I killed her... dogs are good for sad people... could I... could I take care of it? I couldn't save the other dog, the other girl--I am going to die as soon as she leaves me alone anyway--
But this girl is not going to die. Because the war is over.
Slowly, he smiled. "Aa. I will take care of your dog for you." I will not let anyone kill him, either. You will live, and he will live. Even if I don't. And for the moment, at least, he put the gun safely back in his pants.
Duo walked out of the church with a wet face and a new resolve. His sins were confessed, and the elderly Father had shown him the possibility of something... something like forgiveness. I have not cried for years. Not for years. Boys don't, after all. But now, maybe it's the time. When everything's gone, maybe it's finally time. I'm still not sure there can be anything for any of us anymore; we were always the sacrificial lambs on the galaxy's altar anyway... I don't remember how to live. We've been dying for too long. But now, at least, I know that I can let go. And even if I find there's no net to catch me when I do, and I am dashed on the stones below, I am letting go of everything. Right now. He made his way down the steps and into the car, where Heero was waiting, expressionless.
"Oi, Hee-chan, where to now?" The question was simple; everything hung in the balance. Where to go, together or not, to live or to die, with a purpose or without...
"The grocery store."
"Heee? Naze?" He's smiling. Heero's smiling? The boy I thought would splinter into a thousand pieces as soon as he had time to think?
Heero continued to smile the fragile, disused almost-smile. More like a twitch of the lips than anything else, he thought to himself, but it seems natural. It hurts, and it's probably ugly, but I think... it might be real. "I got a dog." He gestured to the back seat, where the puppy was curled up and napping contentedly, golden fur gleaming in the hot sun.
"Sou ka... " Duo swung himself into the passenger seat, saying "I think I saw one downtown."
"Ryokai."
"Heero, do you think you've ever said more than twenty words in a day?"
No answer.
The drive was silent. There had been uncomfortable silences between them before, but this was different. The quality of it was as if the words that used to fill up the spaces between them were no longer appropriate, but the ones that might be were too loud, too harsh and new, to use naturally. Duo looked at his lover, wondering if Heero knew what he wanted. Heero looked at the road, sparing an occasional moment from his own thoughts to wonder what kind of a future Duo would have.
"So, what did the father say?" The words were like shouts in the quiet, and the voice was clumsy and unaccustomed.
"He heard my confession. And gave me some words just for me. Heero?"
"Nan da?"
"I'm going to jump. Into the world."
"Aa." He understood. Good luck, Duo.
"Heero?"
"Aa?"
"Does the dog have a name?"
Heero thought for a moment. Somehow giving another living being a name seemed strange, like an imposition. "Seeker," he said finally. "His name is Seeker."
Duo nodded, sitting back in his seat. "That's a good name." He closed his eyes. "A very good name."
"Duo?" asked Heero, later that night. After buying supplies for Seeker and dinner for themselves, they had been at somewhat of a loss. Finally, Duo had noted the darkening skies and suggested they crash at a motel for the night and think about the morning in the morning. Now Heero was sitting, a little helplessly, in the one chair in the room and his--former?--lover was standing at the window unbraiding his hair. What is he to me now? Heero asked himself. We are two people whose lives have been taken away. Two people with separate goals, or maybe no goals. With the worst memories there are of this world, and overmuch time to work through them, and who used each other for comfort sometimes in the night or stress relief in the middle of war. I guess I leave him in the morning. Is that how it ends? A story to confess to our wives in the middle of the night someday twenty years from now, if we live that long? Aloud, he asked instead: "What are you going to do now?"
"Now? I don't know. Do you?" We part ways in the morning, ne Heero? Do I even want to be with you? Do I even know you? ... I used to look forward to your hard body to distract me from my soft thoughts. Sex with you was like contact in a world where I could spend days without anyone but Deathscythe. But we're both falling apart. We can't pick up the pieces of each other. That's rich. Suddenly, unexpectedly, Duo laughed. Bitterly. Two broken boys on the borders of psychosis trying to get through the day by being together. If we were a fairy tale, it might work. But we're not. Hell, I don't think I'm even really gay.
"What's funny?" And then the light struck Duo's hair and Heero suddenly didn't care anymore. It was like it had always been, just the mindlessness, and the hunger for him and for the sex that was like a drug and made him forget his life for awhile. Duo looked at him, and saw it.
I feel it too. I'm hungry and I'm tired and I'm not going to carry myself anymore. One last waltz, eh, Hee-chan? You want oblivion. Me, too. Come on.
They met in the middle of the room. Hard and fast, brutally, lips met and hands quested and hips rocked against each other. And for a while, two boys forgot everything.
Afterwards, lying in bed, their breathing was still quick and still sleep would not come. Seeker, seemingly oblivious, had been dozing in a pile on the floor almost since entering the room. I guess puppies need a lot of sleep... Heero turned to look at Duo, whose hair was sweaty and tousled as he lay on the pillow beside him. I always liked the way he looked after, he realized. During the day he was always perfect, but at night after we play he has a sheen of sweat, his coloring changes. Beautiful. What if...
Duo looked back up at him in the silence that was now peaceful in the aftermath. Heero, the sexy, masculine one. He was my fuck for awhile. Or was I his fuck for awhile? He's so beautiful. I hope he makes it. "Everything dies, I guess."
"Aa." A pause. "Demo, Duo... what would happen if we stayed together?"
"Together?" Duo was surprised. Something is breaking, I feel something breaking. "Do you think we could make it? We're not exactly going to be able to help each other heal." I wonder, if it hadn't been for the war... the lack of anyone else... I know I like women. Heero never even thought about men until our first time. I never thought of him as any more than a fighter, maybe a friend, and a conveniently nearby body. But he felt something, some heat, something, rolling off of Heero's body. He reached up to kiss his lips.
Heero grabbed him and held on tight. "No. We'd understand each other." He kissed Duo back. "But we couldn't heal." Silence for a moment. Breaking... something... breaking... Then, "But I guess I'm not used to being without you. I don't know why I want you... I don't know if I want you... everything's so confusing right now... Maybe we could skip the healing part. It doesn't seem to be the way we do things."
"What? I don't know how I want you... how to live with you. . .alone would be easier." Touching his lips to Heero's again, Duo felt himself, Heero, the world, everything spinning out of control. And distantly, he felt the pain of the breaking. He didn't know what, or how, but he felt it. Pain... Softly, almost to himself, he murmured, "I guess healing isn't the only way. Maybe we can shed the disease. Or change it. Maybe different times call for different people. The war is over."
"Shinigami is over. Gundam 01 is over. We are over. We don't have a home." In a hotel room on L2, two people kissed tenderly and desperately, sheets tangling around them. Lips, face, neck, salty cheeks.
"Take my faults, Heero. Take all my faults," Duo suddenly whispered against the other boy's lips, fervently, shaking him a little.
Heero blinked. Then he seemed to understand. "Take my rage." Duo, you can have all my rage. I can't keep it in me anymore, take it. The two remained joined at the mouth, the embrace heated but searching, demanding. Something was breaking.
"I will. I will." I will, Heero. And you take mine. Maybe this will work. Maybe we'll fall flat on our faces. But maybe we'll just lose our old selves in each other. Maybe... maybe we can be... "Take my lost innocence."
"Take the blood on my hands!"
"Take my words." The old Duo needed them, but I don't want them any more.
"Take my weakness."
"Take my need." Someone on the floor above them was screaming.
"Take my emptiness." Little kisses, touching, feeling blindly...
"Take my escapism."
"Take my mania." Eyes locked, burning. Ordering.
"Take my isolation." Pleading.
"Take my death." Tongues licking eyelids, they clung to each other.
"Take my desperation."
Breaking.
"Take my desire for peace." Take everything, I can't even bear that anymore.
Breaking.
"Take my love." Take it, Duo.
Breaking.
Heero--? "Love?... did you say... love?"
"I think... I think that somewhere I still have some, a lot, to give. I've never given it to anyone before. I want to. I didn't know it was there. I didn't even know if I was human... I want to give it to you."
"Why?" Heero... this could change everything. And I don't think it's the way the story's supposed to end. I think you're supposed to protect the virgin queen, and I'm supposed to settle down with a good wife, maybe Hirde, and open an orphanage. Yeah, that's how it'd end, if this was a book. But then, were we "supposed" to become terrorists?
"Because... I don't know. Because you're here."
I'm here, with you, now... we could give it a shot... maybe we'd be enough... maybe... " ...ok." Suddenly, Duo felt words tumbling out of his mouth: "Heero I could love you." I could?! I could...
"Duo... I will love you." I will. Not yet, but neither do you. We'll be able to... we're starting. Here, today, we're starting.
Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell fell back onto the bed, and the world outside went on without them.
End Part 2
Japanese used:
"kisama" = insulting way of saying "you," usually translated as "bastard"
"shinigami" = the god of death, Duo's nickname
"ryokai" = understood, essentially; part of Heero's ritual phrase "ninmu ryokai" ("mission accepted")
"ch'" or "che" = "damn," "shit," something along those lines
"masaka!" = "impossible!"
"oniisan" or "niisan" = older brother
"daijoobu desu ka" = "Are you OK?"
"nan da" = "what is it?"
"hai" = yes
"heee?" = exclamation of surprise, like "what?!"
"naze" = why
"sou ka" = "Is that so" or "I see"
"demo" = but
(:./cutter/bsai2)
