After the death of the well known author and poet, Heero Yuy, a number of notebooks were found containing his jotted-down thoughts and feelings, many of which he later worked upon and transformed into more polished compositions. However, there were some which, for whatever reason, he chose not to develop. These pieces have never been published or in any way released for public viewing, until now.
I
I walked out at dusk to the side of the lake, into the half-light.
Half-flight.
The world crashed into my body again and again.
Waves battering crumbling cliff,
Leaving me bruised, hurt, fragile, breaking;
Cracked-glass child desperate for something to cling to.
Cool skin surrounding hot body.
Foggy breath,
My gut had evaporated;
Breathing it out.
Each droplet of condensed self burned.
Burning flesh, nerves, pain.
Each tiny flame a pale spot on greyness.
Had I waited until midnight, I could have created stars.
II
I think he died during the war
Died in my arms, slipped away to reality
Leaving me without even emptiness.
Emptiness has potential.
It feels good to think that he was with me at the end.
He was always so sad to be happy;
He was so happy to finally be sad
Creating something indefinably precious.
My goal
He demands to be captured.
He refuses to let me capture him.
Solitary grey being,
Falling and leaving self behind.
III
I dream.
You rip the tendons in my arms.
I scream.
You reach inside and slash across my heart.
I bleed.
You squeeze the air out of my lungs; you suffocate me.
I am whole.
I wake.
I am no longer alive.
IV
The silent patch of whiteness hovers by my face.
It touches me as I lie still at four o'clock at night,
Passes through my empty lungs and mingles with my breath,
It moves into my eyes, and for a moment I am pleased.
It moves on
It circles my finger,
Tingling, prickling, teasing,
Crystal-sharp, teasing,
Solidity in gas.
Move.
Meanders down to hip, bone, core.
Still.
Spreading through me.
Sunlight makes my teeth chatter.
Dreams follow me home.
Every star is moving slowly downwards.
V
He shot, wrenched, pierced, moved,
He saved me once.
I saved him in return.
He made me real once, always.
I cannot return the favour;
I am less than whole.
VI
"A heart?"
A smile
Warm
Soft
Gentle
Understanding
I knew what was coming
"No."
My perfect match.
VII
I step outside.
He stands before me and takes me into his arms;
He holds me;
Strokes my cheek with a finger,
Runs his hands through my hair,
And oh, the ice.
The cruelsweet frosted shadow presses, pushes,
explodes
Through me and through me,
Again, again.
I crumple;
A heap
all sticky and dry.
Eternity.
VIII
As I wander toward nothingness, the child dances by
His face alight
His joy, the world
His world, the joy.
As I wonder what he's doing here, the infinite dies.
The steady truth,
The absent awe,
The homelessness of home.
And as the noisy rush I loath is thrust upon me,
With all its smoke and shouts and lies
I take the child into my arms
And shield him, and feed him upon my self.
And then, one day, he flies away.
Still hungry.
Joy.
IX
A slash along the inside of my arm
Head thrown back
Back arched
Trying to cough up my soul.
Black tar poured down my throat through my open mouth
Every scream sticks
I waited too long.
Heaviness pulls me toward the ground
Body unnaturally folded,
So natural.
Sinking through hardness
Buried, incarcerated, forever exposed.
You couldn't even bear to touch me.
X
& every time the wind blows,
Brushing gently against my skin,
A few of my cells are brushed away.
And I sink into the ecstasy of slow disintegration,
Slowly spreading out;
A layer of dust covering the world.
XI
Rose petal whispers against my skin,
Softly touches my cheek,
Glides down my chest,
Brushes along my ribs;
Beauty
Nausea
Stillness
Lies
Choking
Beauty.
Swallow flower after flower
Whole.
Ripping it apart would only leave it broken.
XII
Brushed aside,
Crash to jagged rocks and dirt;
Scrape.
Bruise.
Cut.
Swallow.
Lightlack in the body.
Don't gasp.
Don't hurt.
Just die.
Anything over his sorrow;
Just die.
Smile.
XIII
He poured tears into my mouth;
Filled me with salt.
I bit my tongue.
I slipped in the rain,
Damp, throbbing and chilled.
Life goes on.
He was tender and sweet.
His devoted friend,
I went insane.
I slipped into the mildness of black,
Words tart on my tongue and ignored,
Night cutting into my bones.
Life goes on.
XIV
They swim past my ears,
Blowing coal-blackened bubbles,
Heartsickness and daydreams,
Honeycomb fears.
They whisk past my neck,
Round the base of my skull,
Shrill; careless
of the beauty they wreck.
Withering light,
Strong, proud on her deathbed,
She takes their hands;
She leads them away.
And oh, how I wish that they'd stay.
XV
As long as I am dying,
I cannot die.
As long as I swallow every hard, bitter chunk of life,
I am heartless;
I am empty.
As long as I continue to rip myself to shreds,
I function;
I am complete and whole.
As long as the rain is beating down on my brain,
Running through my creases,
Dripping from the tips of my fingers to smash against the ground,
I remain dry;
parched.
As long as all within me remains a dream
The world is real.
So long,
So, so very long
As an extinguished shooting star.
XVI
I went to touch the hand upon my shoulder.
It was elsewheres.
Only my blood.
I looked out upon the sunset;
Half-lit, half-heart.
The world was grey.
I walked into the dancing summer breeze;
Joyous vitalfreshness.
Sharpness.
Pierced.
'May I watch you shred your soul?'
Asked the nightingale.
Only my blood
And the faint sting of a papercut.
XVII
I'll slip and fall today;
Let the wind cut through my skin,
Let the earth crash into my soul,
Let the birds fly through my heart;
Fall
Into the dying flora.
Rosecrackle in my ears,
Sweetest perfume in my tears.
Light breeze, arrow-straight,
Laughter and innocent play.
And poison, thick and honey sweet,
oozing from a nearby tree;
Seeping out to cover me.
I'll slip and fall today;
Let my skin become a tattered shroud,
Let my soul become sicksyrupy stodge,
Let beauty gnaw at my heart
Let my heart stay true.
Fly.
XVIII
The treacle drip-dripping into my eyes,
The rainlessness of the day,
The sluggish dark-red drybleedingness
Of blood that lost its way.
Shadows twinkling in the night
When half a soul is left behind.
Ice drysticking along tender flesh,
Torn and smooth and sharp as day.
The heavylackanything of arms and legs,
The pitchblackness of a ringing bell,
The shifting, stalling of my brain,
And humanity swims by again.
Acid and sleepdust,
Dusty young throats,
Worlds upon worlds
Coughing, choking to life.
IXX
Lovelight lapping at my feet,
Gently tickling along my heels,
Cuts away the dry old scabs,
Allowing me to bleed again.
In among the blades of grass,
Brushing past my every pore,
Insects with their humming wings
Filling corners in my eyes.
Songs of summer, night and day,
Things that everyone must say,
Death by a thousand thousand cuts,
Running, jumping, fading away.
XX
One hundred little barbs,
Stuck inside my mouth,
Forever clogging up my throat,
Jabbing tender flesh.
Gnawed away and foully stained,
Evil-tasting stinking lumps,
Everything within me burns;
A soggy sack of mouldy veg.
Clearest water dazzling the sky,
Cooling and cleaning and leaving alone.
Distasteful thrummings through soil-stained hearts,
Algae and muck trapping pond skaters' feet.
Sickness,
and health.
XXI
The raindrop
drops
through my mouth and my windpipe;
Burns me and cuts me and tears at my walls,
Sheds tears of acid that slip through my veins,
Comes to a halt at the base of my chest.
The wires
spread
from the glistening pearl;
Wrap round my wrists,
Tightly bind upper arms,
Encircle my thighs,
Contract and constrict,
Follow my blood to my neck and my brain.
Metal tastes cold and slightly so sour.
Flung to the ground in a puddle of self;
Awaiting.
With a wet silver spot
forever
staining
my heart.
XXII
Softest silk spun through my mind,
Fine grey cobwebs on smoothest skin,
Tiny holes and rips and runs.
Sink.
Lie in cotton wool.
Warmth spreads through me;
Holds me, adores me,
Shields me from the biting vital frost.
Kisses on my neck,
Safety in a tight embrace.
The slipping away of remains.
XXIII
I touched the blue
the jewel, the green
I let it in my eyes, my sigh
I felt the faintly falling chains
the intricate workings,
the silver, the gold
I felt the world as it shuddered today
I felt the word as it died
I felt the leaves in their dank dark decay
I watched the sun as it stayed
I stopped for the softly falling rain
That beat against my heart
And I stopped as the warmth slipped inside
The End
(:./psyche/best12)
