completed 30-Nov-2003
Hi everyone! Once again, I've been up to no good and feel compelled to share the fruits of my evil deeds with you! ^_~ Some of you might have read the first little bit of this fic, which started out as "Zechs's Grand Night Out!" But... well, it's gone and expanded on me, and there'll be at least one more part after this one. <:) Please let me know what you think, whether positive or negative. I'd be honored to hear your honest opinions. ^_^
Title: A Grand Night Out
Author: Yoiko
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing situations and characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai
Visuals, Sotsu Agency, and Asahi TV. I do not make any claim to ownership
of these situations or characters, nor do I mean any disrespect in any form
to the creators and rightful owners of this wonderful series. Also, I will
not make so much as one dime of profit from this work, and suing me would
be pretty pointless, as there'd be nothing whatsoever to gain by it. ^_~
"Kishama, read 'em and weep!" Booze-fuddled ebony eyes gleamed with triumph as Chang Wufei slapped his cards onto the table, proudly displaying his hand - a two, a three, a five, an eight, and a king. With one victorious smirk in the general direction of his opponents, Wufei slowly lowered his head onto the table and began snoring.
"He had nothing," Zechs Marquise whispered, appalled and at the same time struggling not to laugh as the inebriated Gundam pilot slowly slid under the table, still snoring. Treize quirked an eyebrow, and Zechs managed to affect an indifferent expression.
"It would seem that your partner in crime is... incapacitated," Treize said smoothly, the merest ghost of a smile playing across his finely-chiseled lips.
"He should have known better than to try to outdrink you," Zechs replied, mentally kicking himself for making the same mistake.
"Hm," Treize answered noncomittally.
"So, you've had no luck with him?" Zechs wanted to know.
"No more than you've had with Wing's pilot, I suspect," Treize answered pointedly. "Shall we continue? I admit I'm most curious as to the outcome of the game."
"Certainly," Zechs answered, his heart sinking. Where had he gone wrong?
It had all started so well...
"Well, my friend, would you care to play a hand or two of poker?" Treize had asked but a few hours before. At the end of a long day chasing Gundam pilots, the two Oz officials had been more than ready for a chance to unwind.
"Kisama!"Treize glanced at Zechs in surprise, and Zechs spread his hands wide to indicate his innocence. It was then that the two men saw one bronze hand raise up over the window ledge, a sword clutched in its slender fingers.
"Why, Dragon! Have you come to challenge me again?" Treize asked, tossing a triumphant smirk at Zechs as he crossed the room to watch the young pilot climb in.
"Kisama!" Wufei repeated, slowly and painfully hauling himself the rest of the way up the rose trellis. "You and your damn roses," he grumbled, inspecting his scratched limbs before brandishing his sword. "Now fight me!"
"Oh, Dragon, isn't there some other way for you to prove your superiority? We've already had several duels. It's getting boring," Treize complained.
"Oh, I'm boring you, am I?" Wufei snarled, and would have charged forward were it not for Zechs's hand clamping down on his shoulder.
"Do you, by any chance, know how to play poker?" Zechs asked, quickly lest Wufei call him 'Kisama' or turn on him with the sword.
"What are you talking about?" the cranky pilot snapped.
"We were just going to play a few hands," Treize explained. "Of course, we hadn't yet discussed the stakes."
"Stakes?" Zechs and Wufei echoed in unison.
"We play for chips, of course," Treize said, stifling the grin that tickled at the corners of his mouth. "Whoever ends up with the most chips, wins the right to give one order to each of the losers, which must be obeyed."
"Kisama!" Wufei cried. "Just what kind of orders are you talking about?"
"Nothing with permanent consequences," Treize clarified, "like ordering anybody to quit his job. Also, no demands that the loser continue to follow further orders."
"So... demands on a personal level..." Zechs mused, contemplating a few personal demands he wouldn't mind making.
"Let us say, the consequences to last the duration of one evening," Treize added. "Tomorrow evening."
"So if I win, I could order you to dress in drag and serve me dinner, and you'd have to do it?" Wufei asked.
"Yes..." Treize answered with a slight wince. "But of course, since we are all men of honor here, I trust that none of us would order the others to do anything that would cause them... professional embarassment."
"Very well, I accept your challenge," Wufei said.
"Excellent." Treize seated himself at the table and began shuffling the deck with a showy expertise that left Zechs and Wufei gaping in stunned dismay. After a long moment the two looked at each other and nodded in silent understanding before joining Treize at the table.
And now it had come to this...
"The moment of truth," Treize said with a smirk. Zechs felt a bead of sweat trickle down his temple toward his jawline as he laid his cards out for Treize to see.
"Straight flush," Zechs said, smiling slightly. It was a damn good hand - the best he'd had all night - and he knew that the only way Treize could beat it was with...
"Royal flush."
"What?" Zechs gaped with horror as Treize laid out his cards in neat order. Ace, king, queen, jack, ten... the highest natural hand possible in poker. "I can't believe..." he whispered, his eyes still glued to those accursed cards.
"It would seem that I win," Treize said gently, and since Zechs was still staring at the cards as though he'd just placed a severed head on the table, he missed out on the General's triumphant smirk.
"Yes..." Zechs swallowed hard, closing his eyes briefly.
"Which means that you and Wufei each must obey an order tomorrow evening," Treize finished, struggling to keep the smugness from his voice even though his chest was swelling with pride.
"Oh, God..." Zechs moaned softly. Tomorrow night was going to be Hell, pure Hell... Treize's revenge for the Jello incident would be something terrible...
"You needn't call me 'God,'" Treize said magnanimously. "'Treize- sama' will do."
"Which one would you like to see?" Zechs asked, brushing long white- gold bangs out of his eyes with one hand. The other hand was caught in an unbreakably tight grip as his date for the evening hugged his arm happily.
"Whichever one you want to see," Noin answered, gazing up at him starry-eyed. Zechs stifled the urge to sigh and considered his options. No way in hell was he going to willingly submit to seeing "Titanic"... AGAIN. Since the old-fashioned 20th-Century movie theater only offered two choices, that pretty much narrowed it down to "Friday the 13th, part 112." Stoic to the last, Zechs paid for the tickets, once again mentally berating himself for being stupid enough to gamble with Treize Khushrenada... Treize-sama. Anyone fool enough to think Treize-sama was impaired by alcohol deserved the consequences of his idiocy, Zechs mused. And having lost the bet... well, he was honor-bound to follow through with the penalty.
"Why, thank you," Noin said, blushing demurely as Zechs opened the door for her.
"Would you like popcorn or anything?" Zechs asked politely.
"No, thank you."
Zechs patiently waited in line at the concession stand and purchased a large soda at astronomical prices. Exercising a nearly-inhuman level of self restraint, he refrained from asking whether they had anything stronger. At those prices, they might as well serve Treize's favorite brand and year of champagne!
"Oh, Zechs, this is so romantic!" Noin gushed, as she acquired two straws. Zechs once again stifled the urge to sigh. He really hadn't planned on sharing.
"Shall we?" he asked quietly, and once again Noin latched onto his arm with a grip more tenacious than a pit-bull seizing onto a soup bone.
"See, Dragon? They're even buying a soda," Treize whispered into his cranky date's ear. "Ten to one, that soda ends up getting spilled."
"Kisama," Wufei hissed, brushing at the ear Treize was whispering into. It tickled.
"Remember the terms of the game, Dragon?"
Wufei sighed deeply, his brows drawing together in an ominous frown. "Sorry, Treize-sama," he bit out furiously. What a horrible day! It had been bad enough to wake with a hangover the size of Texas... but then to find out that he had LOST to that... that... Treize-sama yet again, and was honor-bound to obey his order! Well, he wouldn't have believed it, if Treize hadn't thought to get video footage of the Chinese pilot snoring in drunken disgrace, his hand full of nothing clutched to his chest as though it were the greatest treasure.
"I still don't see the purpose of this order," Wufei said, attempting to snarl as politely as possible.
"Simple, Dragon," Treize answered, once again whispering ticklingly in his ear. "I wanted you here, on your best behavior, to share the evening with me. At the very least, you should find it entertaining to watch Zechs with Noin. I have always found it highly amusing."
"What's so funny about a man taking an onna on a date?" Wufei wanted to know.
"Well..." Treize whispered, leaning in so close his lips almost brushed Wufei's delicately-shaped ear, "you know how your fellow pilot Heero feels about Relena?"
"Kis-! Treize-sama!" Wufei hissed. "How do you know about that?"
"Zechs feels approximately the same way about his current date. This will be an extremely entertaining evening," Treize promised. Wufei turned to look at Zechs, who had an unmistakably long-suffering expression on his face, and slowly a tiny smirk stole across his face. Well, so he'd have to spend the evening with kis-... with Treize-sama. At least he knew he wasn't the only one having a bad time.
Treize smirked as he saw the little almost-smile. There was no need to inform Wufei that Zechs had been keeping tabs on his pretty little teammate. That would prove counter-productive. Besides, he wanted to spend this wonderful evening savoring the spoils of his victory - namely, the polite company of one Chang Wufei. Surely, if the Chinese pilot spent any amount of time in his own charming company, he would come to realize that Treize was the right one - the only one - for him! Why, it was only a matter of time until the little one came willingly to him!
Treize threw his head back in standard Maniacal Laughter, Jinnai- style, and Wufei sweatdropped as everyone in the lobby turned to look at them. Luckily, Zechs and Noin had already left to find their seats; if Zechs heard the bizarre laugh, there was no indication of it.
The house lights were just starting to dim as Zechs and Noin entered the theater, and they quickly found seats and settled back to watch the show. Suspenseful music started up, and within the first ten minutes of the film, there were three gruesome deaths for the audience to cringe at. From the front of the theater came a familiar- sounding, maniacal laugh in a slightly nasal voice.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"SHHHHH!"
Noin jumped as the camera zoomed in on a particularly gory shot, and Zechs gasped in shock as the entire large, ice-cold soda spilled onto his lap, knocked over by her surprising reaction. She once again clutched at his arm, holding it in a vise-like grip.
Noin smirked as Zechs's muscles went totally rigid under her hands. So, her beautiful Prince was not as unaffected by the scary movie as he wanted to seem! How very manly and wonderful of him - to go to such lengths so that she would feel safe in his presence! She adoringly leaned in to rest her head against his shoulder and absently wondered what had happened to the soda.
"See, Dragon?" Treize whispered, casually pulling Wufei's hair loose and tossing the little ponytail holder onto the floor. "I told you the soda would be spilled."
"Kisama!" Wufei whispered. "That was my last one!"
"Pity," Treize answered drolly, running his fingers through the silky locks. The ponytail was ridiculous - he much preferred his Dragon this way. To Treize's surprise, Wufei glared at him and then dove down onto the floor and began crawling around on his knees, gingerly patting the sticky floor in search of his ponytail holder. A forked eyebrow quirked as Treize considered the fact that this gambit had backfired on him - not only was Wufei more determined than ever to have his hair bound up tightly enough to keep his eyes from closing, but the very thought of the more interesting things Wufei could be doing on his knees in a dark movie theater had the Oz general considerably preoccupied. Oh, yes, this round most definitely had to go to Wufei, though the Chinese pilot was almost unquestionably unaware of his victory.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Duo Maxwell tried once again to shush his partner, and slunk down in his seat when it became obvious that Heero wouldn't be shushed. How humiliating!
"This is the funniest thing I've ever seen," Heero whispered to him loudly. "Did you see the way that guy's head just fell right off?" Heero began snickering at the memory, and Duo sighed hopelessly. It was going to be a long night... he just hoped nobody he knew saw them!
"Be quiet!" a familiar voice behind them hissed, and Duo turned around in his seat. "Quatre?"
"Yes," the blond whispered, clearly as annoyed as Trowa, who glowered at Duo from behind the screen of his bangs. "Would you two be quiet?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Shhhh!" Trowa hissed, and threw a handful of popcorn at the back of Heero's head. Heero, unaware of the implied insult, ate the popcorn that fell into his lap.
"We paid good money for this!" Quatre whispered angrily.
"You did not!" Duo cried. "You snuck in, same as us, because you're underage!"
"SHHHH!" Quatre and Trowa said in unison.
"Could you have said that any louder, Duo?" Quatre added sourly.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Duo shrugged to indicate his helplessness in the situation, and turned around in his seat. The next outburst from Heero brought a shower of popcorn from the two behind them, and Duo did his best to ignore it, even though he did think it was unfair that they were now targeting *both* him and Heero. Duo glumly peered at his watch. Only an hour and fifteen minutes left to go.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The movie finally ended, and as the house lights began to come up, Zechs finally stood, unwittingly carrying Noin with him because she still would not let go. His trousers were still soaked and icy-cold, and it was a struggle not to waddle in them.
"Wasn't that a wonderful movie?" Noin gushed, looking up at him with that worshipful expression he found so... disturbing.
"Ah... wonderful," Zechs muttered. "Would you like to go get some pizza?" The pizza place was notably casual - nobody would even glance at the stained white trousers, but he could just imagine the reactions if he took Noin to her favorite French restaurant...
"Oh, that would be lovely!" Noin cried happily, and Zechs stifled another sigh.
*rrrip!*
"Are you happy now, Khushrenada?" Wufei snarled, stalking out of the theater and glaring at anyone who so much as looked at him. His hair was stuck out at odd angles, because when he tried to gather it for a ponytail, most of it clung to his sticky hands and the sticky ponytail holder. What's more, the knees of his white trousers had been torn away when he had finally stood up - the fabric adhered permanently to the sticky gunk on the theater floor.
"Oh, don't be sullen, Dragon," Treize answered smoothly. As a matter of fact, he was decidedly *not* happy, but he was not about to explain what it had done to him, having Wufei crawling around between his knees. "I'll take you to a wonderful pizza place around the corner."
"You eat pizza?" Wufei paused in brushing at his sticky hands to glance askance at the General.
"Well, I've never tried it before, but everyone says it's fabulous," Treize answered. "I'm certain I'll enjoy pizza."
Wufei started to grin. "Well, since you're new to the world of pizza, why don't you let me order for you? I'll pick something great to introduce you to it... Treize-sama."
"Why, thank you, Dragon. That's most considerate of you." Treize led the way toward the pizza place, unaware of the vicious smirk Wufei directed toward his back. The Chinese pilot was busy calculating which combinations of toppings the General would find the most repulsive - something truly hideously bad, to make up for his time spent on the disgusting theater floor. There would be Justice tonight!
"I'm starving, Trowa," Quatre muttered, still fuming over Heero and Duo's inconsiderate behavior. So what if he hadn't paid to get in? He still deserved to be able to hear the movie!
"We threw away all the popcorn," Trowa commented.
"...Yeah. Wanna get some pizza?"
"Ok." Trowa wasn't at all concerned about where they ate, and Quatre knew it. He was likely to only pick at whatever food he ended up with, anyway, so he was usually willing to go along with whatever suited Quatre's mood... and pizza was always entertaining to pull apart.
"Heero, are you all right?" Duo asked. The two of them were the last to leave the theater, with good reason. As they stepped into the lighted hallway, Duo finally got Quatre's popcorn bucket off of his head. He'd have to pay the blond back for that one - throwing popcorn was one thing, but nobody messed with the hair!
"Hee, hee, hee..." Heero answered, and Duo had to smile a little at the sight of him. His hair stood on end, the strands piercing through pieces of popcorn as though his head were a giant shish-kebob holder. The fact that he was still giggling helplessly made Duo's grin broaden - it was a rare thing, to see Heero do anything but glower.
"C'mon, man, pull yourself together," Duo said, and ushered the snickering Gundam pilot to the restroom. "Fix your hair, and I'll take you to the pizza place around the corner - they have a great reputation."
"Did you see the way that guy's head just rolled right off?" Heero asked, brushing popcorn out of his hair and doubling over with laughter once again.
"Yeah, I saw, man. C'mon, let's just get cleaned up and go, Ok?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Duo sighed. It was going to be a long night.
"What kind of pizza should we have, Dragon?" Treize asked, smiling at his disgruntled date. Wufei slid into the booth, the vinyl creaking under him, and cast a wary glance at Treize. Maybe he shouldn't exact his revenge... it was an exceedingly cruel notion.
Treize cheerfully slid into the booth next to Wufei, crowding the Gundam pilot up against the wall.
"Kisama!" Wufei hissed. "You're supposed to sit opposite!"
"But I like to sit next to you," Treize replied, his eyes taking in the red-and-white oilcloth covering the table, the candles melting their way down the empty wine bottles that held them, the snapping fire in Wufei's dark eyes. The air was filled with a heavenly scent, and Treize inhaled deeply to savor the aroma.
Wufei's scowl deepened, and he decided to follow through with his plan, after all - anything, to wipe the self-satisfied smirk from Treize "Kisama" Khushrenada's face.
"...simply charming," Treize was saying, a vague wave of his hand indicating the entire restaurant. "And look, Dragon, it would seem that we have front-row seats for the unfolding drama."
Wufei looked, and a tiny smile curved his lips as he saw Zechs pulling out a chair for Noin at a nearby table. Treize had picked the perfect spot to observe Zechs's date, Wufei admitted grudgingly.
Wufei's smile broadened as Zechs turned to go to his own chair. The tall Oz officer's jaw was clenched, and even from this distance Wufei could detect the veins that stood out at the man's temples. To make matters worse - or better, from Wufei's perspective - Zechs's normally pristine white trousers were stained from the spilled soda.
"He looks like he peed his pants," Wufei whispered, and he and Treize both had to struggle to stifle their snickers. Treize smugly thought to himself that this was turning out better than he'd hoped.
"What kind of pizza do you want?" Trowa asked, gazing into Quatre's eyes and admiring the effect of candlelight on his peachy complexion.
"It hardly matters to me - I'm starving," Quatre answered, smiling softly. He was so glad they'd been able to get a table in a dark corner; he and Trowa so rarely had any privacy. "What kind of pizza would you most like to dismantle?"
"I'll take a 'loaded pizza,' but no anchovies," Duo said, smiling engagingly at the waiter in hopes of distracting him from Heero long enough for the Wing pilot to get control of himself. Unfortunately, it wasn't a successful ploy - the waiter finished jotting down his order and turned to face Heero with a look of polite inquiry on his face.
"And for you, sir?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"... he'll have one of the same," Duo said, burying his face in his hands and shaking his head in exasperation.
"It just rolled right off! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Yeah, man," Duo sighed. "I know."
"This is a waste of time, Chihaya," a tall blond man said, as he slid into the booth behind Treize and Wufei. His short, dark-haired partner smiled at him as he slid into the seat opposite.
"But, Kagetsuya, I've heard that pizza is a wonderful Earthian tradition," Chihaya said, his violet eyes shimmering with that particularly puppy-ish hopeful expression that Kagetsuya simply couldn't withstand. "I'm sure if we try some, you'll agree that it counts as a plus."
"Earthians are a negative race," Kagetsuya asserted sourly, ignoring Chihaya's disappointment. "I'm sure that pizza will prove to be a negative aspect of the human experience, as is everything else we've seen."
Chihaya sighed quietly. "Well, at least taste it, before you make any decisions," he said at last.
"What are we supposed to do?"
"We'll just listen to the Earthians behind you, and order whatever they get," Chihaya said. "I'm sure it'll be delicious."
Noin's eyes boggled as Zechs, having held her chair for her in a classic gentlemanly gesture, crossed to the other side of the table to take his own seat. His white trousers were stained... quickly she buried her face in her menu, hiding from Zechs's puzzled, questioning look as her face heated up in an embarrassed blush. She was glad she hadn't asked him to take her to Pierre's! It was embarrassing enough, being seen in public with him here at the pizza parlor! Who would have thought that the Lightning Baron would have a problem with incontinence?
The waiter, whose name was really Richard, adjusted his "Guido" name tag and approached Treize and Wufei's table to take their order. His eyebrows raised a little when he realized they were sitting side-by- side, but a waiter didn't make good tips if he questioned his patrons' judgment. At least neither of these two was laughing like a maniac...
"What can I get you, sirs?" Richard asked. The tall gentleman turned to defer to his short companion, who looked up with a peculiar glitter in his fathomless eyes.
"He would like a large pizza with kimchee, anchovies, pineapple and double-jalapeno peppers," Wufei said, quite clearly and distinctly. "I'll settle for a small pepperoni and cheese." His expression all but dared Richard to question him, and the waiter, knowing when not to cause a disturbance, quickly noted the order down.
"You do have a good appetite, don't you?" Wufei questioned softly. "It would be a shame to waste any pizza."
"Never fear, Wufei," Treize said, smiling with an appreciative gleam in his eyes as Wufei looked up at him through long lashes. "I'm certain I'll eat the whole thing." Wufei smiled at him, and Treize was so delighted to have the Chinese boy smiling of his own volition, the Jinnai-style laugh broke out again. Wufei cringed and tried to slink down in the seat as everyone in the restaurant turned to see who was making the bizarre noise. "Guido," knowing when to make a graceful exit, hastily finished scribbling the order and hurried to the next table. Treize suddenly realized that he was causing a disturbance, pretended to have a coughing fit and took a few sips of water. The other patrons, unconvinced, turned warily back to their own tables.
"Where is that waiter?" Quatre asked testily. "We've been here ten minutes now, and haven't even gotten a glass of water yet!"
"Just be patient," Trowa said encouragingly. "I'm sure he'll be here soon. It's pretty busy tonight."
"But I'm starving," Quatre groused, smiling half-heartedly at Trowa to show the hard feelings weren't directed at him.
"I can think of a good way to pass the time while we wait," Trowa said, peering suggestively at Quatre from under his bangs.
Duo smiled as Heero stopped laughing long enough to take a big bite of pizza. It was awfully good, and he contentedly bit into a slice of his own, sucking cool air into his mouth and catching the stretching string of melted mozzarella that clung to the slice and dripped down toward his plate. Duo paused long enough to mumble "mmm..." contentedly around his mouthful of perfect pizza, when he happened to look up and notice that Heero's face was turning red.
"Heero, are you choking?" he gasped out in horror. Heero, who had apparently started laughing with pizza in his mouth, paused, thought about it a minute, and then nodded his head. Before Duo could jump up, Heero got up, flung himself violently across the back of his chair, swallowed hard, and then started laughing again.
"Man even does the Heimlich maneuver on himself," Duo muttered, and suddenly he started laughing as well, ignoring the looks that people were casting their way. After all, Duo reasoned, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Zechs chewed thoughtfully, his attention focused on Noin. For some reason, something had changed... she was suddenly refusing to make eye contact with him. He'd almost think she was embarrassed to be seen in public with him. That didn't make any sense, though - unlike Treize, he hadn't engaged in any public outbursts that would embarrass his date...
But she was clearly embarrassed, and uncomfortable enough about whatever it was that she couldn't bring herself to speak to him. He took another careful bite, wondering what he had done wrong.
"Well? What do you think of pizza?" Wufei asked quietly, his eyes glittering with malicious glee.
"Flames," Treize said in a breathy, high-pitched voice. "Flames... on the sides of my face... breathing... breathle-... heaving breaths... heaving..."
"So, I take it you want some more?"
In the booth behind them, Kagetsuya sat, frowning, as he grimly jotted down notes for his next negative report. Earthians were clearly negative, evil to a fault, and even their food was horrible. In the seat across from him, Chihaya sat, staring glumly down at the atrocity known as "pizza," and tried not to cry. Even he couldn't call this one a positive!
"Would you like any dessert..." Zechs began hesitantly.
"No," Noin interrupted. "I'm sorry, Zechs, but this just isn't going to work out. Thank you for a lovely evening. I'll see myself home." With that, she got up and left, and Zechs was left staring numbly at the empty chair in front of him. He must be the biggest loser in the world, if even Noin was repulsed by him...
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh, look, man," Duo said, pointing to the table behind Heero. The dark-haired pilot stopped laughing long enough to turn around and look. Zechs Marquise was sitting at a table by himself, looking for all the world as though he had just been stood up. That was impossible, of course, because nobody as gorgeous as Zechs could ever be...
"His date left him, man," Duo said. "That's cold. I'm gonna invite him to join us, Ok?"
"Ah." Heero tossed a wad of bills onto the table - more than enough to pay for the pizza and tip - and he and Duo walked over to where Zechs sat, looking as though the rug had just been pulled out from under him.
"This is the worst night of my..." Zechs was whispering to himself.
"Oi," Duo said, grinning at the gorgeous blond in his most winning fashion. "My partner here and I were wondering if you'd join us." Zechs looked up in surprise, then blushed deeply when he realized who was talking.
"We're gonna rent the other 111 Friday the 13th movies, and laugh our asses off," Heero explained quietly, his expression solemn. Zechs slowly started to smile, then dug into his pockets and tossed some money onto the table before leaving with the gorgeous pilots. It might not be the worst night of his life, after all.
"Kisama!" Wufei snarled, dragging a near-catatonic Treize out of the pizza parlor as "Guido" started to close up shop. "Walk on your own two feet!"
"Flames..." Treize whimpered.
"I can't believe you ate the whole thing."
"Flames, on the sides of my face..."
Wufei sighed heavily, and dragged the general of Oz into a cab, directing the driver to take them back to Treize's place.
"You know, I've always wanted to get to know you," Zechs admitted drunkenly, passing the bottle to a thoroughly-soused Duo.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Heero replied, falling over onto his side. His cheeks were flushed from too much alcohol, and he rolled helplessly on the floor as yet another gory Friday-the-13th moment tickled his funny bone.
"Well, you still haven't... gotten to know us," Duo answered with a devilish grin. "Yanno, you get Heero laughing hard enough, and you can do just about anything you want with him. Wanna see?"
"Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?" Zechs and Duo shared evil grins with each other before teaming up on the hapless Wing pilot, who was having the time of his life and didn't mind at all. Yes, Zechs decided, somebody Up There must love him. This had turned out to be the best day of his life.
"Kisama! We have to pay for the cab!" Wufei snapped. Treize was still muttering about flames, but he stopped when he felt the Chinese pilot digging around in his trousers for cab fare. Without a moment's hesitation, the Jinnai laugh surfaced again.
"Never mind the fare! Just get outta my cab!" the driver cried, turning white with horror. The last thing he needed was a loony in his cab!
"Where the f*** is that waiter?" Quatre said peevishly, pushing the GameBoy away from him in irritation. "It's been FOREVER and I'm STARVING!"
"I'm sure he'll be here soon," Trowa answered, taking his turn with the GameBoy. "Guido," who had long since locked up the restaurant and gone home, sneezed.
"Maybe they forgot we're back here," Quatre said, drumming on the table with his fingertips. "It is kind of an out-of-the-way table."
"Nonsense, that would never happen," Trowa answered. "Here, you can have my turn with the GameBoy. I'm sure the waiter will be here soon."
"I'm seriously considering giving him a smaller tip than usual," Quatre grumbled, then turned his attention to the game.
"Finally," Wufei gasped, heaving the tall general onto his couch and climbing out from under the man's clinging hands. "Here you are, safe at home. I'm leaving."
"But, Dragon, our date isn't over yet," Treize protested. Wufei leaned in close, and Treize felt his heart racing in anticipation as the Chinese pilot's lips came within millimeters of his own.
"It's past midnight," Wufei whispered, so softly that it took Treize a moment to figure out what he'd said. "The evening's over, Kisama." Wufei gave him an impish grin as he scampered over to the window and started to climb out. Treize sagged against the back of the couch, wasted by the kiss he'd been anticipating. The barest hint of a smile curved his lips as he heard Wufei cursing all the way down the rose trellis.
"Oi, Wu-chan!" a familiar voice, overly-perky for this time of day, rang out with ear-splitting volume.
Wufei scowled silently and went back to dishing up a big bowl of rice. His hair stood at all angles, rising from his head in a cloud like black dandelion fluff. His last ponytail holder was still wet from last night, when he had finally had the chance to soak the sticky theater-floor gunk out of it.
"I dig the new 'do, Wu-chan!" Duo snickered from behind him. Wufei turned with the bowl of rice in his hands, preparing to verbally blast that aggravating, moronic Maxwell for his impertinence--
--and the bowl fell to the floor from suddenly nerveless hands, shattering into large shards of ceramic which mingled on the tile with Wufei's lost breakfast.
"Kisama! What did you bring *him* here for?" Wufei snarled.
"I came to speak with you, Chang Wufei," Zechs Marquise answered in a nearly sepulchral tone of voice. "About a matter of some importance to us both."
"Where's Heero?" Wufei snapped at Duo, deliberately ignoring the blond Adonis for the moment. "I'm sure he would never allow-"
"He's busy at the moment," Duo interrupted, and Wufei's eyes widened incredulously as Zechs and Duo both tried to stifle sudden laughter. "Hey, Wu, don't worry. I made him wear a blindfold, like in Batman!"
"And what if he's wearing a homing device of some kind?"
"I'm not," Zechs said.
"But *we* don't know that, do we?"
"Hey, you're right!" Duo said, and slowly his infamous "got-an-evil-idea-and-it-involves-you" grin began to steal across his face. "I'll search him!"
"What?!?" Zechs yelped, but in the flash of an eye he had disappeared, pulled into the nearest room by a hyperactive Gundam pilot.
Wufei nodded in satisfaction as a series of ungodly howls commenced. At least Maxwell could be trusted to search the man thoroughly... though why the idiot had taken it into his empty head to bring one of the enemy to their safe house was beyond him. Frowning thoughtfully, Wufei knelt to clean up what would have been his breakfast. By the time the last of the rice had been cleared away, and a new batch cooked, the howling in the other room increased in intensity, culminating in one blood-curdling shriek. A few minutes later, Zechs and Duo both returned to the kitchen, flushed and disheveled.
"I didn't find any homing device!" Duo announced cheerfully.
"Not for lack of trying," Zechs muttered.
"So, what is it you needed to tell me, Marquise?" Wufei asked, as he once again served himself a heaping bowlful of rice.
"Treize cheated."
"WHAT?!?!?!?!" Once again, a bowl of rice hit the floor and shattered.
"Wu-chan, maybe you should consider using plastic," Duo suggested.
Heero Yuy woke to a distinctly... drafty feeling, which struck him as not quite right. His sleepy reflection on the events of the night before recalled the memory of Zechs and Duo, both with frighteningly evil grins plastered across their faces, bending over him while he was helplessly laughing... "Yanno, you get Heero laughing hard enough," Duo had said, "and you can do just about anything you want with him. Wanna see?"
Deep blue eyes cracked open warily, and Heero cautiously tilted his head to confirm what the breeze caressing his skin had already told him. His shorts were missing.
"Duo Maxwell..." the words rumbled out in a frighteningly intense growl. "Omae o korosu!" Wracking his brain for further information, he dimly recalled the sound of running water. Clenching his teeth in anticipation of what he'd find, he padded over to the kitchen in his socks. Sure enough, there was a hastily-scrawled sign stuck on the freezer door with a magnet. "Lookie here!" the sign said. The letters were printed out in a spidery script, as though the hand writing them had been either arthritic... or shaking from the author's laughter.
"Duo..." Heero muttered again, his eyes narrowed in the Mother Of All Death Glares. As he opened the freezer door, he saw his shorts, soaked in water and frozen solid. On top of the shorts stood a hastily-assembled rag doll, and as Heero gaped in amazement, the doll did exactly as Duo must have planned. The doll's head wobbled for a moment, then ever so slowly rolled right off, just like the scene in the movie Heero had been so amused by.
Heero's eyes bugged out. Then his lips twitched. Then the next thing he knew, he was rolling around on the kitchen floor, bare-assed, clutching his frozen shorts in one hand and the decapitated doll in the other.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Kisama! I challenge you to a rematch!"
"Good afternoon to you, too, Chang Wufei," Treize said with a wince. He was still feeling some unfortunate effects as a result of his pizza experience the night before, not the least of which was the almost-psychedelic way Wufei swam in and out of his vision.
"A rematch, I said," Wufei repeated. "Kisama."
"I heard both 'Kisama' and 'rematch' the first time around," Treize replied, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Then you agree," Zechs said from behind him, smiling a little maliciously as he set up the card table.
"If you are in such a hurry to have the opportunity to date with me again, I will gladly oblige you," Treize said, ignoring the Lightning Baron's apparent defection. No that he blamed Zechs for being upset; everyone but Noin knew how he felt about her.
"Kisama! I'm not going to date you, I'm going to *beat* you!" Wufei snarled.
"That remains to be seen," Treize said smoothly, and seated himself at the card table with a suppressed smirk. The Little Dragon clearly just wanted an excuse to see him again... he thought of the almost-kiss Wufei had not given him, and the Megalomaniacal Laugh bubbled up in his throat, trying to get out. He firmly held it back, knowing that Megalomaniacal Laughter would hurt his head.
"Five-card draw," Wufei said, efficiently dealing the cards. "Jacks are wild."
"Very well," Treize said.
"What's wrong with your voice?" Zechs asked.
"Nothing, I'm fine. Shall we?" Treize wasn't about to admit that he had a Megalomaniacal Laugh stuck in his throat.
"Wait," said Zechs, and Treize's heart sank as the blond walked to the bar. "It wouldn't be a civilized game without drinks. Allow me." With his back turned, Zechs carefully poured two glasses of water and one of Vodka, then he turned and handed the latter to Treize. The General took a sip of the Vodka, wheezed, and turned red in the face; Wufei and Zechs sipped their water carefully and tried not to smirk, and Treize didn't notice that their faces were flushed with suppressed laughter rather than alcohol.
Treize, too, was trying not to smirk, knowing that, hard liquor or not, his alcohol tolerance would far outmatch both Wufei and Zechs combined.
Heero sat up, wiped his eyes, and looked at his Spandex popsicle shorts. He couldn't go out without them. After a moment's contemplation, he stuffed the frozen wad of cloth into the microwave oven and started thawing it.
A few hours later, Treize's smirk had vanished; Zechs and Wufei didn't seem to be affected by the Vodka at all. He couldn't understand it. They should both be sloshingly drunk by now... he had a terrible urge to put his head down on the table and just... rest for a while...
"Kisama, read 'em and weep," Wufei said gently, laying out his cards with careful finality. Treize's eyes boggled, and even Zechs looked surprised. Wufei had the Ace, King, Queen, Jack and ten of Hearts. Zechs had a Full House. Treize had... nothing.
"I lost," he said, astonished, and tossed back the last of his Vodka. "I can't believe I lost..."
"And I won," Wufei said, smiling evilly; Treize, seeing the evil little smile, wondered why he had started calling Wufei 'Dragon.' 'Demon-spawn' would have been much more appropriate...
"And I know just what I want you to do," Wufei added, his smile widening. Even Zechs shivered a little as the malicious smile became, incredibly enough, even more evil.
And then the Megalomaniacal Laugh, which had abandoned Treize earlier, found its way through Wufei's throat.
"Trowaaaaaa," Quatre whined, "I'm *hungry*."
"I'm starting to get a little hungry, myself," Trowa said, eyebrows lifting in mild surprise.
"When that waiter gets here, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind," Quatre growled.
Meanwhile, "Guido," who had the early shift off and didn't have to come to work until 3pm, sneezed and then snuggled back into his bed contentedly.
"We got him, good!" Zechs chortled, clapping a friendly hand on Wufei's shoulder as the door closed behind a white-faced, whimpering General. "That was the perfect demand to make! Talk about Justice!"
"Thank you," Wufei replied smugly. "Now... about *your* penalty..."
"*MY* penalty? But..."
"You did lose."
"I thought we were working together!"
"True. Which is why I won't order you to take Noin on another date." Wufei smirked as Zechs gradually turned pale.
"You wouldn't..."
"Not as long as you behave yourself. Your penalty for losing is this: you must get Heero Yuy naked."
"But Duo and I did that already! Can't we just count that one?"
"Since you've done it before, it should be an easy task for you!" Wufei said, and the triumphant gleam in his ebony eyes sent a frisson of terror down Zechs's spine. "So I'll add to it, since I don't want you to be bored. You must do it in a *public* place!"
"In PUBLIC? Are you mad! He'd dismember anyone who touched him in public!"
"Then it will be a good challenge for you," Wufei said happily. "I'll leave it to you to work out the details, but he has to be bare at least from the waist down, in public. I look forward to this evening!"
The Chinese pilot took note of the fact that Zechs was now just as pale as the General had been, and he smiled. As he started climbing down the rose trellis, the sound of soft, pathetic whimpering--in stereo--was music to his ears.
It was almost worth the scratches he'd gotten from those damned thorns.
The movie theater was crowded that night, to nobody's surprise. Saturday nights were the biggest business. Duo and Heero sat up front again (they had once again snuck in), and Heero was already snickering softly as he waited for the movie to begin, and shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His Spandex shorts had shrunk a bit during the thawing process, and were now uncomfortably tight, and a bit more indecently form-fitting than usual.
Duo, in a deliberate effort not to stare at his partner squirming in painted-on Spandex, craned his neck, looking at the rest of the audience as they waited for the house lights to dim. He spied the General, and if it hadn't been for the distinctive brows, Duo might never have recognized the man. Treize's usual proud bearing had given way, and he looked for all the world like a dog that expects to be kicked at any moment, as Lady Une hugged his arm tightly and dragged him to a pair of seats in the last row.
"Looks like he lost the poker game," Duo muttered, an irrepressible grin stealing across his face. A few moments later, Zechs and Wufei walked in, the former looking much as Treize had, the latter grinning maliciously. Duo got up, patted Heero on the shoulder, and walked up the aisle toward them. Wufei said something to a distinctly unhappy-looking Zechs, then went to stand in line at the concession booth.
"How now, Count?" Duo asked cheerfully. "You look like you just lost your best friend."
"Not yet," Zechs replied, "but it's bound to happen."
"I take it this has something to do with that poker match?"
"Wufei won."
"Yeah, I saw Treize," Duo said with a brief, involuntary snicker.
"I also lost."
"I thought you guys were working together."
"So did I," Zechs said mournfully.
"So what's your penalty?" Duo asked, thinking it must be something horrible, for Zechs to look so stricken.
"I'm supposed to... get Heero naked."
"Been there, done that," Duo said, wondering what the big deal was.
"In public. And I can't think of any way to do it that won't involve him hating me afterwards, or tearing me to shreds with his bare hands. And I hate thinking that anyone, let alone Wufei, could claim I had welched on a bet."
"Is that all?" Duo asked.
"Is that *all*? Isn't it enough?"
"Feh. Come with me." Duo grabbed Zechs's hand and dragged him to the front row. They sat down with Heero just as the house lights dimmed.
"This is gonna be great!" Heero commented.
As soon as the house lights dimmed, Treize began to realize the extent to which his evening was going to be unpleasant. Unlike Zechs, who had merely suffered a squeezed arm and a cold soda bath, Treize found himself struggling to keep his clothing--and his dignity--intact. Contrary to her name, Une was not much of a Lady given a little encouragement, and she had taken his invitation to date as all the encouragement she needed.
"Oh, Treize-sama! I had no idea!" she purred as she slid her hand into his lap, and with a muffled yelp Treize pushed her groping fingers away, only to find her other hand pulling open the buttons on his shirt.
It was going to be a long night.
"Trowaaaaaa... I think I'm gonna starve to death," Quatre whined, and just then "Guido" appeared.
"May I take your order, sirs?"
"Praise be!" Quatre cried, and while Trowa didn't say anything, the relief on his face spoke volumes. After all, there was only so much GameBoy and whining a fellow could stand.
"It's about time," he thought. "I wonder how long we've been here?"
Wufei watched as Lady Une slipped her hand into Treize's shirt. While the General was trying to extricate the one hand from his clothing, the other returned to explore his lap, eliciting a muffled squeak of protest. The corners of Wufei's mouth twitched, and then, before he could help it...
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Hey, keep it down back there!" Heero yelled over his shoulder, eyes never leaving the screen as he tugged irritably at his too-tight shorts. "Some people just have no consideration for others."
"He didn't bring us any water," Quatre said sadly.
"I'm sure they're very busy. Give him a few minutes to put our order in, and I'm sure he'll bring us water."
Quatre sighed. "Well, shall we play one more round of GameBoy?"
"I think the batteries died."
"Well, you have a flashlight with you, right? Let's just use those batteries!"
"...no."
"Trowaaaaaa!"
As the movie continued, Zechs slumped further down in his seat, miserably. There was no way to carry out this mission...
Duo poked him in the side, and Zechs turned to look at him. The long-haired boy gave him a big grin and a thumbs-up, indicating that he had a plan. Zechs actually dared to hope for a minute...
...and then Duo turned to a giggling, fidgeting Heero and said, "Hey, why don'tcha take off your shorts?"
Zechs slapped his forehead and considered having himself committed for trusting Duo to come up with a workable plan... and then to his astonishment, Heero stood and wormed his way out of his shorts. There were a few gasps from the audience, and more than a few nosebleeds as Heero returned to his seat.
"Told ya. You get him laughing hard enough, and he'll go along with anything," Duo said. "Hey, Heero, you need to put your shorts back on now."
Heero squirmed back into his shorts with a grimace, and was fully dressed by the time the ushers came to kick the three of them out.
"Man, that's just not fair," Duo griped.
"We didn't buy tickets," Zechs pointed out.
"Yeah, yeah," Duo muttered. "They were probably just jealous that people were paying more attention to *us* than to the movie. And yanno, if they sold tissues at the concession stand, they'd have *thanked* us for it!"
"True; I never saw so many spontaneous nosebleeds in my life," Zechs said. "...Heero? You're not upset or anything... are you?"
"Did you see the way that guy's head rolled right off?" Heero asked. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Yeah, man," Duo said, quietly resigned, laying a hand on Heero's shoulder. "Believe me. We saw it."
"Hey," Zechs said, poking Duo lightly. "Wanna go back to my place, and see what else we can get him to do while he's laughing?"
"Sure thing!" Duo said, and as the three of them wound their way down the street arm in arm in arm, Zechs decided it was going to be a really, really good night.
"Mmm, Treize-sama," Lady Une sighed, cheerfully trying to climb into the General's lap as he strained to hold her at arms' length.
It was going to be a really, really long night.
On the other hand... Chang Wufei would surely consent to another round of poker, and he, Treize, would surely win! One way or the other, he was *determined* to win! And one day, he just knew that Chang Wufei would come to him willingly!
"Treize-sama?" Une asked, perplexed as the General started to double up; she wondered if maybe he was choking. Then suddenly, he threw his head back and laughed--hardly the reaction she'd been hoping for!
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Embarrassed as other movie-goers turned to stare at them, Une quickly pulled herself together and ran out of the theater, not wishing to be seen in public with a howling madman. People might get the wrong idea!
Treize was still cackling as the ushers bodily dragged him out of the theater and tossed him onto the curb outside; he sat in a puddle of something wet and sticky, and he had smudges of dirt and muck all over his formerly-pristine clothing, and he didn't give a damn. The Lady had left and would likely refuse any further invitations he might be coerced into offering. Wufei would surely return and feel compelled to accept the challenge to another poker match. All in all... it had proved to be a really, really good night.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
~owari--finally!~
(:./yoiko/grand)
