Title: Embracing The Darkness 3/?
Authors: tkmaxwell777 & Iniquity
Category: Shonen Ai/Yaoi
Pairings: 1+2/1x2x1(mentioned), 3x4
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: We don't own them, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah... we just love 'em :)
Warnings: Angst, Language, Lemon (flashback), Religious Views (probably not too Catholic either, but this is our story, and if I (tk) were a priest, it's what I would have told Duo...)
Archived: Yep! Thanks again Lev!
Heero sighed as he closed the door to his apartment behind him. It had been a grueling day at work. The computer program he'd been writing wasn't working correctly. He'd gone through endless lines of code, unable to pinpoint what was wrong; all he could think about was a pair of violet eyes and a mass of chestnut silk. He would have screamed if he'd thought it would help.
Quatre's visit had been the last thing he'd needed. He could see the blonde still standing in his living room, aqua eyes blazing, yelling at him. Where did the Arabian get off telling him what to do? He wasn't the one to know if Heero loved Duo or not... and he didn't. It just made Heero even madder the more he thought about it. His thoughts shifted to Duo again, and Heero closed his eyes to try to gain control over his senses again; instead, his mind drifted even farther away.
"Heero. I know you can't say the words yet, but that doesn't mean that I can't." Duo's voice had been soft and tentative. "It's not easy for me to say them either, yanno. I've lost everyone I've ever said those words to, so I have even more reason to not say them, but I can't help how I feel and... well... I love you."
Heero felt his own tears fill his eyes at the memory, but quickly pushed them away. "It doesn't matter!" he screamed to himself. "I never loved him. I couldn't love him... he's Death. How can you love Death?"
Heero struggled with the rampaging emotions as they coursed through him. Unbidden, more images filled his mind of Duo and him cooking together. The first time they'd made pancakes had been a disaster.
"Hey, Heero, I think somethin's burning..."
"Shit! The potholder is on fire... "
"Let me get the fire extinguisher... "
"Do we have one?"
"Um... well... okay, plan B. Baking soda!"
Or when they'd gone to see some crazy movie called 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' that Duo insisted was a classic. Heero had seen way too many weird people that night, but Duo had just laughed.
"That's part of the fun of it, Heero. Now, stay close to me. If you act like you don't know the words the audience calls back to the screen, they'll think this is your first time here."
"It is my first time here, Duo," Heero pointed out exasperated.
"Yeah, but you don't want them to know that. They have ways of initiating 'virgins', as they call them. Trust me, you don't want that to happen, so just do what I do."
Or when they had held each other after nightmares. Heero had told Wufei that Duo's nightmare were the worst. In truth, his were just as bad as Duo's. Duo had never failed to comfort him, especially when they were about that little girl.
"Shhh... It's okay, Heero."
"I killed her, Duo. I killed her and her dog. Oh, Duo, how could I have done that?"
"You didn't mean to, Heero. It was an accident. Come on, you told me yourself that the mobile suit fell by mistake. It wasn't your fault. I know she understands that, Heero. I'm sure she looks down from Heaven, and is sad when she sees you cry for her like this. She doesn't want that."
Heero shuddered. He had no one to hold him now when they claimed him. He suddenly felt cold and alone. He stripped off his clothes as he headed to the bedroom. Once there, he crawled underneath the comforter naked. "Damn Quatre!" he snarled as he trembled under the covers. He felt the softness of the covers moved over his skin, much like Duo's fingers had felt. Heero had no control over his next memory; it engulfed him.
"Oh, Heero," Duo's voice moaned as he moved over Heero, inside him. Heero felt Duo pull out of his body, thrusting back in quickly, eliciting more groans from Heero as he did it. Heero's legs were lifted over Duo's shoulders as the longhaired boy took him. Heero looked up into violet and saw such desire and love shining there for him... him alone.
Heero's hand moved to his aching arousal without his consent, but he couldn't stop himself as he touched it. His hand stroked himself, spreading the wetness at his tip over the head of his erection, causing him to moan in sensual pleasure. "Oh, Duo." He was unaware that he had even spoken aloud.
Heero moved with each of Duo's thrusts, meeting him passionately as their bodies melded together. Nothing felt so good as being filled by Duo. Their bodies seemed to have been made for each other. He loved the noises Duo made, the feel of Duo's skin, the need in Duo's voice; it all made him feel so wanted.
Heero thrust his hips up, his erection pressing further into his own hand as he moved it rapidly over his flesh. He slid his other hand down to his sac to fondle his balls as he moaned from the sensation. His hand then moved lower, a finger circling his entrance before delving inside. He cried out at the intrusion, but continued to move it inside his body until he found that spot.
"Oh, Duo!" Heero yelled as Duo hit his prostate over and over again with each thrust. They had been pleasuring each other for over an hour, and Heero never tired of how Duo would bring them to the edge, just to pull them back so he could bring them close again. This time, they were going to plunge over. Duo reached down to take Heero's arousal in his hand as his thrust became frantic. Heero felt himself losing control. Gasping, he cried out Duo's name and came, feeling Duo immediately follow him, filling him with his seed as he found his release.
"Duo! Duo! Duo!" Heero cried out as pulse after pulse of his creamy essence poured from him. Heero lay there for a moment, completely drained. His mind became clear some moments later, and it was then that he realized what he had just done, whom he had wanted to be there with him. Curling up into a ball, he pulled the covers back over him as he began to shake, silent sobs wracking his body as he finally gave into the emptiness of his release.
Duo sat on the floor of Wufei's workout room panting. It had been a grueling session, but he had to admit that he felt better than he had in ages, even if he was sweating like a pig.
"Fei, I never would have thought that Tai Chi stuff would be so..."
"Fulfilling?" Wufei offered as he turned to throw a bottle of water to the longhaired boy.
"Yeah, that too," Duo responded after drinking half of the bottle's content in one swallow. "But I was thinking more along the lines of exhausting."
Wufei snorted. "You'll get used to it. It's hard at first, but it's rewarding."
"I feel tired, but... I don't know... calmer, yet energized on the inside. It doesn't make sense."
Wufei laughed. "Actually, it does. You see, when we are at peace is when we are the strongest, Duo. When you calm your mind, your body will follow, once it's trained to do so. Emotions should be felt, but they should also be balanced. That's why our mind needs to be aware of how we are feeling inside so it can bring it into reconciliation with our actions."
Duo blinked. "You mean, I need to admit to myself why I'm angry so my mind can keep my body from trying to kill itself?"
Wufei smiled. "You know, Maxwell, you are a lot smarter than you let people think you are."
Duo grinned. "It's better to let people underestimate you, Fei. That way, when you come up with something they think is beyond you, they're even more impressed."
"I've always been impressed with you, Duo. You are an amazing person. That's why I want to keep you around for a lot longer."
Duo smiled at the boy's praise, but Heero's words of rejection echoed in his mind immediately, shadowing Wufei's. Duo reached for a cigarette, yelping when Wufei pulled it and the pack out of his hands. "Hey! What are you doing?" He watched Wufei throw them in the trash.
"You don't need those anymore, Duo. Besides, there's no way you can keep up with me if you continue smoking. You need to quit altogether. And try to cut back on the caffeine a little too."
Duo frowned, but he nodded his head in agreement. "Okay. Anything else, sensei?"
Wufei's face lit up at the term. For some reason, it gave him joy to know Duo knew what the term meant, even though the braided baka was using it sarcastically. "Yes. You need to eat more. Come on, we're going to get some breakfast before I go into work."
Duo sighed. "All right. But I get to pick where we're going. If I have to eat, I'm gonna eat somethin' good, and I don't mean any of that bran and fruit junk either. I want steak and eggs."
"Actually, red meat would be really good for you. It will give you iron. And eggs are an excellent source of protein..."
"Oh, man, don't make it sound healthy, Fei. I'll never be able to enjoy it if you do."
They both laughed as Wufei reached out a hand to help Duo up. Wufei had more than one shower stall in the house; in no time, they were clean and dressed, ready to go eat. Wufei noticed that Duo looked more like himself than he had in the past couple of weeks. It was improvement, and improvement was good, but they still had a long way to go yet.
"I'm so glad he's coming for dinner," Quatre beamed at Trowa as he placed the butter dish on the table.
"Wufei has really helped him a lot, Cat. Our visits haven't hurt either, I think."
"I just wish Heero would come to his senses, Trowa," the blonde frowned. "I know he loves Duo. They could be so happy together if..."
"Quatre," Trowa interrupted, placing his hands on the other boy's shoulders, "Duo needs to heal without Heero in his life. If he doesn't, he won't be able to deal with Heero if Heero does come back."
"I know," Quatre said as he collapsed against Trowa's chest, his arms encircling his green-eyed lover. "I just want things to work out. It's so hard knowing that they're apart."
"Well, you'll just have to accept it, Cat. Duo has to learn to stand on his own."
The doorbell broke into their conversation, and Quatre rushed to answer it.
"Hey, Q! I'm ready to be wined and dined, buddy," came Duo's exuberant voice as he walked in.
"Duo! You look great!"
Quatre ran his eyes over the other boy in appreciation. Duo had on a long sleeve dark purple button down shirt and a pair of black dress pants. His hair was pulled back in a soft ponytail, framing his face slightly. He had gained weight in the past two weeks, which indicated that he was eating again. Quatre was indeed happy with the changes, but what gave him the most joy was the look in Duo's eyes... there was hope in those violet depths. He smiled affectionately as Duo leaned forward to kiss his cheek.
"Thanks, man. I wanted you to see what your friendship has accomplished."
"Hey, Duo," Trowa offered as he walked from the kitchen, cutting off Quatre's reply. "Cat's right, you look a hell of a lot better than you did."
Duo laughed at the other boy's words. "I know. I was beginning to lose my virile good looks. I owe you guys a lot. My reputation would never have recovered if you hadn't have stepped in. How can I expect to attract all those incredible guys if I look like shit?""
"Duo," Quatre said with a reprimanding tone, "Don't."
Duo's smile faded as he realized that he had slipped into the joker's mask he'd worn during the war. They were all way past that now, weren't they? "Sorry, Quatre. Old habits, man."
"I know, but you don't have to be the life of the party, Duo, not for us. I'm glad you're looking better, but how are you feeling, really?"
Duo sighed and sat down on the couch. "I keep dreaming about him. He's standing at the door, getting ready to walk out, and all I can do is scream at him to stay. I make him all kinds of promises, tell him how much I love him, even offer him my life, if he'll just turn around and hold me."
Trowa sat down beside Duo. "You have to let him go, Duo."
"I can't!" Duo yelled as his eyes filled with anguish.
"You have to, Duo," Quatre said as he sat on the other side of the longhaired boy. "You have to care more about yourself than you do about him. Don't you see? If you can't then you don't really love him enough."
Duo's face turned quickly towards Quatre. "What do you mean? I love him more than myself, Q. Isn't that the strongest love there is?"
"No, Duo," Trowa answered, his voice soft yet firm. "You must learn to love yourself before you can truly love others. Only when you can accept your own faults, shortcomings, and mistakes, can you find the strength to forgive someone else for theirs. You have to be complete within yourself. I know people say that your soul mate is the other half of your own soul, but that's not true. You see, true soul mates find themselves in each other. If your soul isn't whole, then that other person won't be able to find that part of him or herself that they need there. Only when you are at peace with who you are can you be what someone else needs."
"So if I don't forgive myself for my past, then I can't be anyone else's future," Duo said softly.
"That's right," Quatre replied sadly. He could feel Duo's pain and wanted to throw his arms around the longhaired boy and weep, but he couldn't; Duo had to face this.
"I'll try," Duo whispered then drawled out to lighten the mood, "Now, I believe there's some lasagna here with my name on it."
Trowa smiled, willing to allow the other boy to forget his emptiness for a while. "Yes, and a bottle of red wine that needs to be enjoyed."
All three boys got up and headed for the kitchen. Food, drink, and laughter were in the menu that evening, and by the time Duo left to go home, they were all in much better spirits. Quatre stared out the window after Duo left, trying to have a positive attitude about their friend. He felt Trowa's arms go around him.
"Come to bed, love. Duo will be all right. He has all the pieces to the puzzle now. He'll figure out how to put it back together."
"I know," Quatre replied as he turned into Trowa's embrace. "I can't help but feel like there's still a piece missing. I just don't know what else to do to help him."
"Quatre, sometimes a person has to find the strength they need from deep within themselves."
Quatre shook his head. "And what happens if it's not enough?"
Trowa didn't have an answer. They remained silent as they held each other.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been over nine years since my last confession."
"So long, my son? What has brought you back to us?"
"I... I need to forgive myself. I figured if I found forgiveness here, then maybe I could do it too."
"What sins have you committed, my child?"
"I have killed, I have stolen, I have coveted, I have cursed a lot, I have had impure thoughts, I have lain with another man... well, I'm not sorry about that, but I'm aware of how the church feels about it, so I thought I'd list it too."
"You were in the war?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
"By the list, my son. Many soldiers have the same one. Tell me, did you enjoy any of those things?"
"Well, other than the sleeping with another man, no, I didn't. I had to do them to survive and to fight for peace. I hope God will at least take that in consideration."
"You say you are looking for forgiveness here so you can forgive yourself?"
"Yeah."
"What if I told you that God forgave you for those things before you even did them?"
"Then I'd tell you you're full of shi... sorry, Father, I mean... I wouldn't believe you."
"Do you believe that Christ died for your sins, son?"
"Well... I guess so, Father."
"Yet you cannot accept the forgiveness that comes from your faith in that?"
"I don't understand."
"There is nothing you can ever do to atone for wrongs you have done."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing. It's already been done for you. Even the faith you have is a gift. All you can do is accept it willingly and try to show the same forgiveness to others when they fail you."
"So I've already been forgiven. I just need to accept it? Sounds too easy."
"God doesn't want to punish you for your mistakes, son. He wants you to see them for what they are, believe that He has already pardoned them, and try to do better the next time you are faced with the same trial. It's not easy to do, but forgiveness is there if you only ask for it."
"But how can He forgive me so easily?"
"Because He loves you. No matter what you've gone through in your life, He's been there with you all the way. It saddens Him to have to watch you suffer, but unless you call on Him, He cannot interfere, and even then, it has to be according to His plan. We have free will, but the choices we make lead our lives down those chosen paths to the ends that are predestined there."
"Kind of like one of those 'choose your own ending' books... what scenario you choose leads you to a certain page, then the choice there takes you to another, and so on?"
"Exactly. He can help you, but you must face the consequences of your previous choices."
"So what you're really saying is that my greatest penance is just living."
"Yes, my son. All of us face the same penance every day. Of course, if you want to feel like you are doing something more... "
"I can say twenty 'Hail Mary's' and fifteen 'Our Father's'?"
"I believe that should do it for now. Go in peace. Your sins are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. I'll try to remember that."
Duo left the church feeling more lighthearted than he had in a long time. Tears were streaming down his face, but his heart was rejoicing. Somehow he had found comfort in the priest's words, and he intended to live his life with a renewed vigor. Even if Heero never loved him, Duo knew that he was strong enough to forgive Heero for it. He had learned to embrace his own dark soul, accepting himself for who and what he was, forgiving himself for all he had done. If God had forgiven him, how could he have the audacity not to do the same?
"I may have been the God of Death," he said to himself, a wry smile gracing his mouth, "but even I can't stand against the God of Life." He laughed as he looked up to the sky and shouted, "Okay, I accept it... don't deserve it, but you're the boss, so I guess I'll just have to live with it, huh?" He chuckled at the thought of God rolling his eyes at his antics. As he walked home, Duo felt freer than he had in a long time.
End Part 3
(:./tk/embracing3)
