22-Oct-2003
Title: Would Not Come
Author: Arithion/Arithkenshin (co-authored series with CleverYoungThief)
Email: arithkenshin@yahoo.co.uk
Rated: PG13
Pairings: 1+2
Archives: http://www.goldenyaoihuggle.com/welcomepage.htm, http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/ under Arithkenshin and if you want it, just ask.
Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, Songfic
Disclaimer: Stop rubbing it in, I don't own them, just playing. I don't own Would Not Come either... Alanis Morrisette does
Summary: A mask can only conceal so much...
Notes: *glomp* CYT ... she is very evil... planting plot bunnies in my head... damn Gundam Wing's Greatest Hits series...
Hugs to Sol and Casey too for their encouragement
#*# scene change
~#~ flashback tense
~~**~~ end of chapter
~encase self reflective thought~
It's his laugh that draws everyone's attention at first. The rest of him just enslaves them further as they watch the show he puts on.
They watch Duo Maxwell.
If I make a lot of tinsel, then people will want to
Hips swing. Seductive charm graces the dance floor. Death hangs in the air like a raptor stalking its prey, daring... just daring everyone. Every person watches him. Nobody dares to touch.
Duo holds the room captive.
If I am hardened, no fear of further abandonment
He knows you can see it in his eyes, if he lets you get close enough to look. So no one gets close enough. His braid dangles down his back, writhing in counterpoint to his hips. It has a life of its' own. Fiery in the strobe lights, flaring with hints of red. Red like blood.
He has blood on his conscience.
If I am famous, then maybe I'll feel good in this skin
No one could ever guess how his skin crawls at the attention he gets. But that is the price of fame. Or perhaps it's infamy. After all, Duo Maxwell: Gundam Pilot is no mean feat at all. How should he deal with that? Stand in the spotlight? Work with it instead of against it?
What other choice does he have... do any of them have?
If I am cultured, my words will somehow garner respect
For some the transition is easier than for others. But not by much. Duo is the only one who deals with it this way... his way. He changes as the mood sees fit, adapting to his environment, modifying his behaviour to suit. The vibrancy he has melds people to him, with or without his consent.
He hates it.
I would throw a party, still it would not come
The centre of attention, the light of the room: everything and everyone plays off him when he walks in. Like a magnet he draws them to him. A party is not a party in the world of the renown unless at least one Gundam Pilot is there. The more attention he draws the better. It's the reason why Duo Maxwell is the preferred choice.
The choice is never his own.
I would bike, run, swim and still it would not come
His body moves with a lithe grace, toned but not overdone. Lusciously trim, powerfully treacherous.
But something is missing.
I'd go travelling, and still it would not come
No matter where he is, or where he goes, or where he is invited too: there is something missing. You can see it in his eyes.
If you can get close enough.
I would starve myself and still it would not come
Duo isn't skinny. He just has a high metabolism. Party snacks aren't really his thing though, and the waitress that approaches him in the dancing crowd is dismissed with a sweet laugh and smile. He goes back to dancing, with that smile fixed on his face... permanently.
No one could ever guess.
If I'm masculine, I will be taken more seriously
He is beautiful, although he would scowl to hear himself described that way. The coveted glances he receives wash over him as he pretends to ignore them. The gazes of men and women alike: to them all he is an object: something to be desired, wanted, yet never attained. Something beautiful, fey and yet definitely deadly. Something undeniably masculine.
And yet it makes him cringe.
If I take a break, it would make me irresponsible
If he takes a break from the circuit, the responsibility falls to the others. So he spares them the spotlight, drawing it all onto himself. Slowly it wears away at him until he is nothing but the mask that he wears when in the open. It is a drawback of public life.
It is one of the many sacrifices he makes.
If I'm elusive, I will surely be sought after often
Duo knows that the one time he isn't there to feed the starving and speculating paparazzi is the time they will make up what they want, and print it regardless. He knows that the attention will be turned to one of the others. They won't be able to handle it. They won't know how to deal with it.
So he lives a life that isn't his own.
If I need assistance, then I must be incapable
It slowly eats away at him. You can see it; all you need to do is look. The expression in his eyes gets emptier day by day as his mask moves in to devour his personality. It's a gradual process but it is visible as long as you look.
But he's shut himself off.
I'd be filthy rich and still it would not come
The money has not made a difference. It's still him underneath all that, but not for much longer. The inner peace he seeks, or perhaps it is inner turmoil he needs; it isn't there. Everything is falling down around him.
He's breaking apart.
I would seduce them and still it would not come
His dress, as always, is alluring. It screams at the masses: "You want to touch me? Go ahead and try, I dare you." And nobody dares. These people are vain.
They are not stupid.
I would drink vodka and still it would not come
If you watch him closely, it's obvious that he conceals his alcohol consumption. The glass of champagne barely graces his lips, and yet his hand is always full. He keeps alert, not wanting to make a mistake that might cost him his popularity. It's the way he protects all that is dear to him.
It's the way he hides.
I'd have an orgasm, still It wouldn't come
The people around him watch as he dances. He feels the beat, moving his hips in time. Duo lives the rhythm, breathes it, and the music flows around him. It's an erotic sight for everyone in his vicinity, just not for the dancer. He doesn't get off. He rarely gets off, for that would lead to realisation.
Instead he loses himself.
If I accumulate knowledge, I'll be impenetrable
There is a wall around him that no one can breach. Maybe you can't see it, but it's there. It's crumbling, barely holding things in. But still, he manages to maintain it. Through sheer stubbornness and force of will, he closes himself off from everything.
He's been hurt one too many times.
If I am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve
He still gets the comments about his hair, about his feminine traits... about the blood on his hands. Somehow his face never stops smiling, but his eyes show a pain so deep there is no cure to be found. Yet he turns back to his dancing partners and converses as if he isn't a former child terrorist.
He could kill them without blinking.
If I keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked
They still taunt him. No matter his background. No matter his status. He is always followed, because he is the one who put himself in the spotlight. To save the others from being harassed, he placed himself into a position that demanded the focus shift to him. And so he refuses to say anything that might take that situation out of his tenuous control.
So he bites his tongue.
If I am vulnerable I will be trampled upon
Showing himself to the world would be a mistake. In his mind he thinks that showing your true self means you get crushed. Duo refuses to be weak, refuses to show the real him. You'll only see it if he lets you close enough.
No one is close anymore.
I would go shopping and still it would not come
Despite his state of evocative dress, he is not a clotheshorse. Each item he chooses is specifically picked for its relevance to its purpose. His clothes need to assist him in maintaining the interest he so carefully cultivates. It is irrelevant if they are his true style. They need to be eye-catching and maintain interest.
They need to sustain his mask.
I'd leave the country and still it would not come
Sometimes if you look close enough, and know what to look for you can see it. You can see it in his body language, the way he holds himself. The urge inside him, tempting him to run and hide just like his old adage from the war. But now he doesn't run and hide anymore. He may not lie, but he never tells the truth.
He is a shadow of his former self.
I would scream and rebel still It would not come
Then there are the times when he obviously revolts against his chosen exile. The smart-ass comment made at an inopportune moment, his dress a little more conservative or his opinions voiced too loudly where they are less popular. That's the true self inside, fighting to get out. But it happens less and less frequently.
Duo is dying inside.
I would stuff my face and still it would not come
The rich food at the parties does not interest him. It is the one time he cannot keep the disdain completely off his face. Food is one thing that is precious to him. Scrounging for food as a child will leave its after effects. Duo is and will always be of the mind that food should not be squandered. All the parties waste more food in one night than he ever saw in his first 12 years of life. His smile remains.
Yet his world grows darker.
I'd be productive and still it would not come
His hyperactivity is still there, though he contains it as best he can. The slight tapping of his foot as he feels the music even though he is in the dining room. His energy washes over everyone, infecting them.
They feed off him.
I'd be celebrated, still it would not come
The attention that comes attached to being a Gundam pilot is trying. He is pestered at every turn. Duo is a headline. The media worry over him like an astronomer waiting for a star to explode... waiting. As long as Duo is there, they leave the others in peace. Everything he does has the same goal, even the way he is swirling a spoon in his coffee cup right now. He protects those who he loves.
Even if they don't deserve it.
I'd be the hero and still it would not come
Watching from afar is never easy. Sometimes it's hard to stay hidden. He looks up suddenly and violet orbs focus on something. His carefully constructed mask begins to break as a look of shock sweeps over his face. Duo begins to walk forward, his gait unsteady as his hand reaches out.
"Heero?" His voice is full of betrayal, anguish and a love that I don't deserve.
I should leave.
I'd renunciate and still it would not come
His speed has always amazed me, and he makes it to me in record time, flinging himself into my arms, somehow fitting against my side and not giving a damn who sees us. It is as if he forgets everything I put him through. As if the tangible fact of my being here absolves my past betrayal.
It's what I want; it's what he needs. It is what we both need. I want to be close to him, I know that now... I only hope I can be now, what I couldn't then. When I couldn't find the words.
I just hope there are enough pieces of him left for me to put him back together.
The End
There we go...
For more in the Gundam Wing's Greatest Hits, stay tuned! /snicker
(:./cyt/hits1)
