19-Oct-2000
Pairing: 1+R+2
Rating: PG, I guess
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys or the girl, of course; nor do I
intend to infringe upon the rights of those who do.
Warnings: Shounen-ai, girl kissing boys, mild angst, probable sap.
Any similarity to actual psychiatry is purely coincidental. ^_^
Spoilers: Not a one--we're waaaay past the series at this point.
Notes: Yet another appendage to the Complicated arc--comes after
the main story and before "Last Of The Summer's Flowers." The title refers to the canonical hour that falls around 2:30-3:00am (according to
The Name of the Rose, anyway! ^_^;), and is also meant to
invoke more secular vigils. And while I'm not sure how old everyone
is in this story, I'm imagining them in their mid-20s. Just in case
you find yourself counting and wondering.
This one is for Quatre-sama, who asked for more 1+R (and deserves to get it, after this crazy week! especially since she made time to beta this in the middle of everything else! <<meimeisnoodle>>). And for Emily, who wanted to know what happened when Relena started getting her memories back. And a special "kyaa!" to Ryoko-meimei, who got me started thinking about the second thing Relena's pondering here (well, go _read_ it, and you'll see what I mean!).
/ denotes thoughts.
Heero was almost home; and if he hadn't been too tired for all but the most necessary of motions, he might have been tapping the steering wheel in a passable imitation of Duo's legendary impatience.
It had been a relatively extended consulting project this time--three weeks in Tokyo, wrangling with an especially thorny systems protection problem--and though he enjoyed the work, it was too long to be away from home. Especially now that he had a home. For the last ten miles of the drive, his mind had been way ahead of him--already there, in the warm darkness of the house. Their house. And it had been theirs for the past year and a half-- still a recent development, really, and he was still getting used to the idea. It had come as something of a revelation to him that a place could feel like a person, welcoming without speaking; but then, this place was entirely filled, defined, by the people who made it home. They would be there now, he knew, waiting for him. Awake? Maybe. But it was late, and he found himself hoping they would be asleep.
They always saved his spot, even in their sleep. Relena would be half on her side, half on her stomach, curled around herself except for one arm, which would be extended across the covers. On the other side of the wide bed, Duo would be taking up much more than his share of the available space--arms and legs everywhere, looking for all the world like a dropped marionette, or a blissfully comfortable cat. And with one limb or another--a foot, an arm, something--he would be reaching out, too. His fingers might even be tangled with hers in the middle of the bed.
Heero had found them sleeping that way more than once, deep in those nights when he came back too late for a waking welcome, and the image lingered in his mind as the definition of home. If he hadn't been so tired he might have smiled even now, remembering it.
The final miles of his trip curved through the sleeping hills, winding under trees to the gates, and then to the house itself. Tires crunched quietly on the gravel as the car rolled to a stop on the drive, and then he was dragging himself and his bag up to the door. Out of habit, he looked up toward the second story, checking for a light. The windows were dark, and he saw no motion other than the slow flutter of a curtain behind an open sash. Good, he thought, they hadn't tried to wait up. It would have been a long wait, this time--his shuttle had come in over four hours behind schedule.
Closing the front door, he set his bag down in the darkened hallway and stepped out of his shoes before making his way toward the stairs. Out of long practice, he avoided tripping over the grey cat who twined around his ankles on the landing, and bent for a moment to run a hand down the sleek back. Knowing he would be asleep in the hall if he didn't keep moving, he dragged his shirt free of his waistband, starting on the buttons even as he nudged the bedroom door open with his foot.
Heero was almost to the closet when he realized what looked wrong about the room--only one lump in the bed, and not even a sleeping one. As Heero came further into the room, Duo rolled over and sat up. "Hey."
"Hey. Why aren't you asleep?"
"I have been, off and on--keep having trouble getting all the way under." Duo was trying not to look at the conspicuously empty pillow across the bed, but the omission was a statement in itself.
"Where's the blonde?" Heero sat down on the edge of the bed closest to him and leaned to bury his face briefly in the heavy brown hair.
"She was here when I went to sleep. Must've gotten back up." He let his forehead drop onto Heero's shoulder, allowing himself to be lulled by the slow hand on his back. "Man, am I glad to see you."
"Did something happen?" He seriously doubted Duo had been asleep at all; the muscles of his shoulders were knotted like fists, and there were deep shadows under his eyes.
"Yeah. I guess. She came back from this morning's counseling session all quiet. So it was probably--I don't know." He sat up, his face drawn with worry in the dim light. "Heero, something's wrong. And she won't tell me what it is."
Heero saw the old panic chasing its tail behind the dark blue eyes, and sighed. "You're afraid she remembered something?"
Duo attempted a laugh, but it didn't quite work. "That's what the therapy's for, isn't it?
"Don't do this to yourself. We've talked about all of this. She knows what happened."
Duo was shaking his head, staring at nothing. "It's not the same as really remembering. Not even close."
/So you've probably been going over every torturous guilty inch of the past again and again,/ Heero thought. /Of all the nights for me to be late./ "I'll go find her--you sleep. Really. You look like death."
Duo did manage a lopsided smile at the joke, but then eyed him critically. "You must be more tired than I am--I should go talk to her myself. I'm just being an idiot."
"Always." He drew the backs of his fingertips over the pale curve of the familiar face, then smiled. "But we can't resist you, and you know it. Sleep, I said. Try to, anyway--let me take this one."
A brief circuit of the house turned up nothing, so he headed outside. Coming down into the garden, he looked down one hedged path, then another--still nothing. Then from a bench he had missed, tucked behind a stand of larkspur, he heard her voice. "You're home."
He stopped, waiting for a moment before he turned to look. It was always the same, seeing her--the same sweep of awe, followed by the same rush of warmth. It seemed especially important to savor it tonight, so he deliberately waited for a breath, then another, before he raised his eyes. She was seated sideways on the bench, feet drawn up under her nightgown, moonlight touching her hair with silver. She looked very, very young, except for the ageless depths of her eyes.
It took another space of time before he remembered to answer. "Hai. Finally."
"It got late. I was worried, a little."
"You're out late yourself." He dropped to the grass next to her, taking up her hand and turning it in his own. "And speaking of worry, he's doing a pretty good job of making himself sick in there."
She bent her head, hair falling to hide her face. "I know."
"Tell me."
"You just got home--it can wait."
"Relena." He pulled on her hand.
Still not speaking, she slipped down from the bench onto his lap, shifting until she was sitting across his legs with her head against his shoulder. One slim hand gathered a handful of his open shirt into a fist. He drew a long strand of her hair between thoughtful fingers, twisting it into a pale spiral, and waited.
After a long time, she sighed. "Two things."
"Is one of them worse than the other?"
She nodded against him.
"Start with that."
She drew a deep, shaky breath, and he suddenly wanted to tell her it didn't matter, that she didn't have to say. Because, suddenly, he was very afraid of what it might be. Ruthlessly, he choked his rising dread into silence--she needed to say it out loud, whatever it was. So he would listen, even if it meant the end of everything.
"I've been--there have been the nightmares."
"I know."
"And Dr. Pierce has been helping me ever since things started coming back--so I wouldn't be afraid of podiums, or anything silly like that. You know."
"Mm-hm."
"So--lately we've been working on the other dreams, and--well, Dr. Pierce called it a breakthrough. I suppose she was right. It certainly felt like something broke."
He brought one hand up to her back, holding on.
She continued slowly. "I'd always thought it was self-indulgent, the way I couldn't remember us. I mean, compared to the war, how bad could this have been? But then I did start to remember, and-- oh. I don't know if I ever would have been ready for those memories." She shook her head. "I just put so much of myself into it, I think. Into loving you--both of you. So it was like the world came apart when you left."
He wanted to speak, but couldn't force words past the lump in his throat.
"It was just so real, the remembering. But surreal, at the same time--like falling down a well lined with mirrors." A quiet laugh. "I went through a box and a half of tissues."
"Was that what you couldn't tell Duo?"
"Not really. He remembers all of it for himself, doesn't he? It was more that I was ashamed, when I went back through what had happened with all of us. Because there was so much I didn't see, so many things I didn't understand." She closed her eyes, willing herself not to start crying again. "You know how it was with him, before I brought him back to Sank--today I had to remember that you went away because of me. That he almost died because of me. And when I came home, I couldn't even look at him. It felt like the only reparation I could make for--for everything was to tell him he could leave, but I was too much of a coward even for that."
"You really believe that's what he wants? You know better, I think."
"I don't know what I believe any more. The ground keeps falling out from under my feet."
"I know that feeling. A little too well. It always scared me--" He looked at her sideways when she chuckled. "Stop that. It did scare me. The way you look at me, like I'm someone worth following. It was easier when I was sure you didn't know what you were doing; it didn't matter how much I wanted you, because the world would keep us separate. And you'd be safe, no matter what you thought you wanted. But now you do know me, and you still look at me like that. So--now you're not safe, and neither am I. None of us is. But I think this is a kind of danger I can live with." He carefully unwound the pale tress from his fingers, and smoothed it back into the rest of her hair. "You need to keep in mind that these memories are only new to you, Relena. You said it yourself: we've had them all along. You're not hiding things from us--if anything, it's been the other way around. Think your memories frighten you? You haven't been paying attention if you don't know how badly they scare Duo. And me. I keep waiting for you to realize what a mistake you've made."
She tipped her head back against his shoulder, looking up. "Finding you was the first important thing that ever happened in my whole life. I've made lots of mistakes since then--but staying where you are is not one of them."
Only now, with the danger of this conversation mostly behind them, did he allow himself to acknowledge how close his world had come to collapse. If she had decided she couldn't stay--it would have meant starting all over again, this time knowing exactly how much he was missing. He felt suddenly cold, and tried to dispel the chill by pulling her closer. Her clenched hand finally eased its grip on his shirt-front, and he smiled. "Do you feel better now?"
"Starting to."
"Good. Now. You said there were two things."
"You're going to think I'm crazy, after the first one."
"Try me."
She waited a moment, tracing a series of triangles on his chest. "I want to have a baby."
He was stunned into breathlessness, not daring to move.
"And I'm not sure how to do it," she continued. "I mean, I know how it's done, but I'm not sure how we do it. I don't even know if it's something either of you would want. And after everything that happened today, I wasn't sure if we would still be a family for each other, let alone make room for a new person."
"We'll have to convince you that we're committed to this. I think I'm looking forward to that."
His fingers were gently stroking the back of her neck, turning her into a boneless purring heap, but she tried for a last moment of coherence. "So. The baby. What do you think?"
"I think--I think that before we can talk about this, we're going to need to go get Duo."
"You don't have to go anywhere to get me." Heero looked up to find Duo watching them from the edge of the grass, hands shoved deep in pajama pockets, standing far enough back in the shadows that his eyes were unreadable.
Relena scooted until she could see him too, taking in the tension of his posture. Wordlessly, she disentangled her arms and reached out for him; he came forward, dropping next to the two of them and burying his face against her knees.
His words, when they came, were muffled by more than cloth. "I thought you were going to leave."
"Not unless you wanted me to. And I wouldn't have wanted to, even then. Please, come up here. Duo, please." She pulled at his shoulder, unsuccessfully.
"Try the braid; it's more effective," Heero offered.
She poked him reproachfully, and tugged again at Duo's shoulder. "Get up here. I want to kiss you and tell you I'm sorry for scaring you, and I can't do the first bit if I can't even reach you."
Finally, he rocked back on his heels enough that she could at least see him. He looked exhausted, the lines of old anguish etched onto a face that should have been too young for so much pain.
She took his face between her hands, speaking very seriously. "No more of this. Don't carry this dread around any longer--I remember it all. Everything. And I'm not leaving unless you throw me out." Words alone weren't doing enough to chase the darkness out of his eyes, though, so she made good on her promise by leaning closer and kissing him deeply.
When she sat back into the curve of Heero's arms, watching Duo closely, she smiled--it was no small thing to be able to leave Duo Maxwell speechless, especially when you also managed to make his eyes go all unfocused like that. Heero laughed low in his throat behind her, and then shifted. "Anybody mind if we take this indoors? I'm going numb, and some of it's because the ground is cold."
She scrambled up with a cry of apology. "And you've been in a shuttle all day!"
"Hai. Come on, both of you. Bed. We can talk about babies in the morning."
A bit of the familiar devilishness snapped in Duo's eyes. "What if I want to get production started now?"
Relena groaned. "This is not going to turn into a competition! I mean it!" Then she reconsidered. "Well, maybe if you make it worth my while--"
^_^ yep, that's really the end, too! (Oh, I'm evil, evil!)
(:./lilias/vigiliae)
