02-Jul-2000
Wheeee!! The next part is finally typed up *bounce bounce* Enjoy!
C&C, please...
Disclaimer: Not mine, just borrowing. No $ being made.
Warnings: Angst, weirdness, probably OOC, flashbacks
.You killed.
.You destroyed.
.You burned.
.You sinned.
.You laughed.
.You lived.
.You loved.
.You lost.
"No, leave me alone! Get out of my head! Shut up, SHUT UP! Leave me alone! Who are you, dammit!" Rowan screamed, clutching at his head. He was in terrible agony, physically as well as emotionally. He sank to his knees in the middle of the room, sobbing, trying to block out the voice inside his mind. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and yet the images kept coming. Horrible images full of blood, violence, and death. Images interspersed with lighter and carefree ones of love, and happiness, and laughter, but those were few and far between. And above it all, maniacal cackles of the one who was the cause of all this grief and destruction.
"No." the boy whispered forlornly, "I... I couldn't. It couldn't have been me. I'm just a teenager, this was all two hundred years ago."
The voice kept on relentlessly.
.You murdered.
.You took lives.
.You spilled blood.
Images of the remains of a burned-down church; dozens of bodies in and around it. The body of a nun, burned horribly, dying. Faces of soldiers, contorted with fear just before they were cut down. Screams. So much blood, so much violence.
"No, I don't understand, it can't be." Rowan sobbed - dry sobs without tears. At one point he thought he was going to be sick, but instead he coughed up blood. He sat back against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest, riding out the storm. Slowly, painfully, the nightmare subsided and the boy simply sat there drained, his shoulders shaking from the shock of this epiphany.
Heero watched the teenager writhe and cry out in agony as he was being confronted with something only he could see. The ghostly boy didn't know what was happening, but he wanted so much to help Rowan.
He didn't know how. Then a voice in his mind - voice that sounded suspiciously like Duo's - started speaking.
"Trust your heart."
"I don't know what to do, what to say."
"Just trust your feelings."
"I'm afraid."
"Don't be. There is always room for errors. No one is perfect."
"But he told me to go away. What if he does again?"
"Then you'll try again."
"What if I do wrong?"
"The you do it again. There are always second chances."
"I'm afraid."
"Just believe in yourself."
"All right, I'll try."
Heero left the shadows, then stopped, hovering uncertainly, not sure what to say to start the conversation. The other boy solved the dilemma by raising his head suddenly and addressing the spirit.
"It's you again."
"Yes."
"I thought I told you to get lost. You won't scare me."
"I don't plan to."
"Then what do you want?"
"You looked like you were in pain and I thought."
"You thought you'd help."
"Yes."
"Well, buzz off! I don't need your help."
"Hn."
"Just leave me alone, would ya? I don't need anyone's help, especially not yours."
"You don't look like it."
"Well, I'm fine! Now get lost!"
"Look, I can understand what you are going through."
Rowan whirled on him, eyes blazing.
"No, you can't understand! You have no fucking clue! Do you know what it feels like to have a voice inside your head telling you that you're a fucking homicidal maniac? Do you?"
"No, but..."
"Then leave me alone!"
With that, the boy turned away and buried his face in his hands again. Heero could sense the confusion and turmoil that were Rowan's mind. He wanted to help, but what could he do if the boy refused his help?
Rowan was in hell, living hell. He was in constant pain, both physical and mental. Three days after his mysterious seizure he was still having nightmares and flashbacks. The voices in his head wouldn't stop speaking all at once. It was as if there were two personalities co-existing inside the boy at the same time. The unfortunate teenager was under this torture day and night. He wandered around the house as in a delirium, not really knowing what was going on anymore. All he wanted was for his horrid visions to cease. After all this time he simply could not take the psychological suffering any longer. Then, one night a solution occurred to him as he sat huddled in a blanket in his bedroom. A solution that would make all the pain go away once and for all.
Slowly, deliberately, Rowan got up and headed into the kitchen, then to the bathroom. There, he stood for a long time staring at the knife in his hand. His wrist, the veins pulsating with anguish. It would be so fast, so easy. Just a couple of slashes, a few minutes of pain and then - peace for all eternity. So simple and so beautiful, this would be the perfect answer. It would silence the relentless voices in Rowan's mind. No more of those bizarre recollections. So perfect. Yes, death was perfect, the ultimate solution. Rowan realized that he longed for it, longed for the peace. Just raise your hand, then lower it, make the cut.
"You know, it's not that simple."
"You again."
"Dying won't resolve any problems."
"Oh, yes, it will."
"No, it won't and it hurts like hell. Believe me, I know."
"Hn."
"Look, I don't know what's happening to you, but I know what it's like to feel guilty for someone's death."
Rowan was silent, so Heero continued, somewhat encouraged.
"Killing yourself is a coward's way out. I took it. You might be made from stronger stuff. But I suppose it's your life, you decide in the end."
With that, Heero left Rowan alone, hoping against hope that the kid would listen to his words. Somehow he really couldn't stand the thought of this boy killing himself. It was important that he stay alive.
Rowan looked at the blade glittering faintly in his fingers. He contemplated what the ghost had just told him. It would be so easy.
No more horrid images. Indecision, so much indecision. A coward's way out, but a way out nonetheless.
He couldn't take this anymore!
End of Part 8
Erk... this one turned out to be SHORT. Oh well.
C&C? Flames? Please? *puppy face*
(:./murasaki/second8)
