08-May-2001
Category: Songfic, angst, shounen-ai, POV
Rating: PG
Pairings: 1+2 (1+3 in past)
Warnings: None other than language, and slightly angsty situations.
Feedback: C&C
Notes: This is a sequel to the fic, Deuce. It doesn't exactly follow with Beck's fic, Good Friday, but then it's not suppose to. There will be another fic that follows that hopefully will complete the story (because you know I do have a thing about trilogies). ^__^ The song, Hunter is belongs to Bjork and can be found on her album Homogenic or on the X-Files Soundtrack, Fight the Future (given the number of X-Files soundtrack songs I've used as fics, you can guess where I got it from). ^__^
[--song lyrics--]
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters belongs to Bandai, Sunrise and Sotsu Agency and are only being used for non profit entertainment purposes.
[if travel is searching
and home what's been found
i'm not stopping]
Home. I was at the home I'm supposed to be at. The home I chose, yet why did I feel like something's missing? Duo stared at me strangely before speaking.
"Koi? Are you okay? You haven't said anything since we left the ball. Did you and Trowa have a fight? Is that it?" Duo asked nervously.
I shrugged. "No fight. Just goodbyes," I said before pulling Duo into my arms. I held him like the anchor he was for me at that moment. "Ai shiteru."
Duo smiled, "I love you too, Koi."
[i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter
i'll bring back the goods
but i don't know when]
Duo settled into an easy sleep, exhausted from our lovemaking. I, on the other hand lay awake, unable to sleep. Whenever I closed my eyes, I would see Trowa. The look on his face as he told me he wasn't hurt. I told myself he'd be fine. He knew the score from the beginning that our time together was limited. When did he allow himself to feel more? As I clutched at my chest I wondered, when did I allow myself to feel more?
The next morning I decided I had to see him one last time to make sure he was okay. I told Duo I had an early meeting, then headed to the apartment. My old home. Yet I couldn't bring myself to knock on the door. I found myself slipping into surveillance mode. Looking for information--it's the only thing I'm good at. It's the only thing I can't screw up. There were a few newspapers outside the door. Figuring the apartment was empty, I picked the lock and entered.
I went to the bedroom to check if he really has gone. Some of his clothes and a suitcase are missing. I sighed in relief. He was probably with Catherine, he hadn't moved out completely. Then I wondered why I cared at all.
I hacked into Trowa's e-mail to find out where Catherine was. I knew that wasn't right, but he shouldn't have left his laptop here for me to do so. Okay. So I know he doesn't like to travel with it when he's at the circus, afraid that it would be stolen or some elephant would sit on it. Most of his e-mail were either messages from Catherine or Quatre. I was tempted to read all the messages but I didn't. I felt Trowa deserved some privacy even if I was breaking in his home like a thief.
I called Lady Une to report I was not going to be in the office. I told her I was checking a possible lead to a case. She asked me to keep her informed. Then I went to the circus.
I saw him walk out of his trailer and heading to the lion cages. I felt my heart race and my stomach do flipflops. I minutely wondered why I'm was reacting this way. I should go up to him and talk. But I stay rooted where I am, watching him from a distance.
Even from this distance I can see he was sad and probably lonely. Catherine was hovering over him but he looked like he was miles away from any conversation she was bestowing upon him. What are you thinking about Trowa? Are you mentally cursing me for the bastard that I am?
[i thought i could organise freedom
how Scandinavian of me
and gently, really gently
you sussed it out, didn't you?]
I've been keeping surveillance on Trowa for five days now. I'm not sure why either. I've told both Duo and Une that I'm undercover and will be out of touch. I've gone to some of the actual circus performances in disguise to see him at an even closer range. He has become so reckless, I could see in Catherine's eyes that she feared continuing the act. Trowa has managed to get himself slightly hurt almost every time I've gone. The audiences seemed to think it was part of the show, to make it seem more realistic for them. I know Trowa doesn't care anymore and it hurts me.
Next morning in my usual surveillance spot, I see the Ringmaster yelling at Trowa. I can read the man's lips well enough to understand that he's banned Trowa from the ring until he loses his death wish mentality. Catherine argued in his behalf but I could see she really agreed with the Ringmaster. Trowa was only allowed to tend to the animals until further notice.
I have to say I also agreed with their assessment. He needed a distraction. I'm frankly surprised Quatre hadn't been here to help. I know Quatre cared for him more than as a friend, although Trowa had never encouraged it. Maybe it's time for me to encourage it. Anything to stop the pain in those green eyes.
When I left my surveillance post to visit Quatre, I wasn't surprised at all to see that Quatre was angry at me.
"What do you want, Heero?" he asked.
"I want to talk about Trowa. Why haven't you gone to see him?" I asked.
Quatre stared at me and began to laugh. "What are you doing, following him or something? Trowa is not your concern anymore, Heero. Leave him alone."
"You love him, don't you? Why aren't you helping him?" I asked a little angry that Quatre thought he had the right to tell me what to do.
Quatre's eyes flashed with anger but for only a second. "He's my friend, of course, I care for him. But I'll say this again, Trowa is not your concern anymore. You left him remember. You are living the dream with Duo. Leave him alone. Let him work out what he needs to on his own."
"Wouldn't he be able to work it out faster if he had someone in his life?" I asked.
"What's the matter, Heero? Feeling guilty all of a sudden? Do you think sticking Trowa in another relationship will absolve you from your guilt?" Quatre asked.
I found myself flinching. Was I trying to do that?
"Heero, you've hurt him more than you could possibly know. Just stay away from him. Don't hurt him anymore," Quatre pleaded.
I wondered why suddenly the air seem to leave the room--why my world seemed to tilt. I stared at Quatre unable to answer because I was unable to breathe. So I left.
I knew I should have just gone home to Duo and forget about the whole thing. That would be the sensible thing to do. Yet I'm standing in my usual surveillance area, watching. My brain processing all the little things about Trowa that I had never noticed before. Silly stuff, like he pretends to like his coffee black, but when no one's looking he sneaks a little milk into it. How Catherine thinks she's protecting him, when all the while he's also protecting her. I think he loves those animals more than people sometimes. He spends hours by the lion cages and they react to him like he's part of their pride. Mostly I notice that he's more beautiful than I ever remembered.
Duo visiting Trowa was a surprise though. I felt myself tense up hoping there wouldn't be a horrible confrontation. Trowa was not up for that and he didn't deserve it. I settled down to read their lips but they went inside the trailer where I was blind to their conversation.
Why was Duo here? Did he know this has been where I've been? I have changed it up so I didn't spend every day and night here. I did come home once I felt better about Trowa being banned from performing. I would come home, make love to Duo and tell him that I loved him. I wasn't sure if it was to reassure him or reassure myself.
I do love Duo. I loved him almost from the moment we met. If bullets didn't kill that love nothing would. But I was useless then--The only important thing in life at that time was the mission and the rest could sort itself out later. Duo tried to get me to see there was more to life than the mission. But I didn't want to see it. Not then at least.
Trowa had taken care of me in the past. He never asked for anything and he never expected anything in return. When he talked about his past as a mercenary, I realized I had a kindred spirit who understood that missions were necessary and important. Words were never important for us. We knew how we felt. After the war, we grew closer and soon were living together. Everyone claimed they were happy for us. Even Duo.
The conversation was fairly brief. I could read Trowa's lips saying that he was sorry. Sorry for what? I wondered.
[you could smell it
so you left me on my own
to complete the mission
now i'm leaving it all behind]
When I arrived home, Duo was waiting.
"Heero, we need to talk," he said solemnly.
"What is it?" I asked. What I really wanted to ask was why had he gone to see Trowa but that would have blown my cover.
"How do you feel about Trowa?" Duo asked. Damn! A trick question right out of the gate.
"I don't understand. Why are we talking about Trowa?" I asked, knowing perfectly well why, but I did have to know if he knew what I had been up to.
"Just answer the question. You've not been yourself for a while now. I have to know what your feelings for Trowa are," Duo said trying to sound calm.
"My feelings for Trowa are immaterial. I'm with you," I said. I almost believed it.
"Are you with me really Heero?" Duo asked getting angry. "I don't think you've been 'with me' in heart or spirit since the night of the ball. Quit hurting us, Heero. When I say 'us' I mean all of us--you, me, and Trowa."
"Trowa is out of the picture," I said, not liking how this was going.
"Trowa has never been out of the picture, despite what you think Heero. Go to him. Talk to him," Duo sighed.
"So you can go to Wufei?" I asked, angrily. Why must I be the bad guy? I thought.
"Wufei?" Duo looked at me incredulously. "Is that why you came back to me? Because you thought Wufei and I were getting closer? Heero Yuy, you are a piece of work. This--you and me. Are telling me this wasn't about true love, but jealousy? Get out!" Duo screamed at me.
Why was it I could never get this right? Duo was right. I was hurting everyone. "Duo--" I stammered.
"You heard me," Duo said in a voice he reserved for when he was Shinigami. "Leave now. Come back when you figure out who you want--and why."
[i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter .....
i'm the hunter .....]
So I gathered some things and placed them in my truck. I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go back to my old home. Well I probably could since Trowa wasn't there, but it wouldn't be right. Maybe it was time I really sat down and talked to Trowa like Duo suggested. I preferred that option over Quatre's advice of staying away.
Catherine looked none too pleased to see me.
"What the hell do you want Heero?" She hissed, making even the lions cower in their cages briefly.
"I want to talk to Trowa," I said, not letting her hostility stop me from my mission.
"He's not here," She practically gloated.
"You're lying. I know he's here," I said impatiently. I wasn't in the mood for games.
"He's not here anymore," Catherine supplied.
"Where is he, Catherine?" I feel my patience starting to boil over.
"He left to stay at an old friend's," She purred, relishing that she was plucking on my last nerve.
"Hn, Quatre's," I said, "Why didn't you just say that."
"Not Quatre. Someone else."
"Quit playing games and just tell me before I have to hurt you!" I yelled my calm shattered.
"Ah, what the hell," Catherine smiled. "It was an old war buddy of his. I didn't like him the first time I met him, but after the time I've been exposed to you, he suddenly doesn't seem quite so bad."
"Who?" I sighed, rubbing my temples.
"Ralph."
[i'm ... the ... hunter ...]
"So where did they go?" I asked, surprised by the revelation. Trowa told me about Ralph long ago. They grew up together in the mercenary ranks. He held a certain fascination for Trowa. We all met once long ago when White Fang tried to revive itself by getting our Gundams. Everyone remarked how similar I looked to Ralph. Frankly, I didn't see it and neither did he.
"I don't know," Catherine said.
"How could you not know, you would never let him walk off with that guy without knowing where they were going," I pointed out.
Catherine shrugged. "Trowa looked happy to see him. I was so thrilled Trowa was happy I didn't ask. Sorry."
I left feeling angrier than I've ever felt in my life. I'm back to square one. I don't know where Trowa had gone. I didn't know where Ralph lived. Had I let my chance slip away?
Then I calmed myself. I am a hunter. I know how to find out things I need to know. I would find Trowa. What will I tell him when I see him remained a mystery to me.
OWARI
(:./babaca/hunter)
