5 Jan 2001
Dinner, chez Zechs, and a breakthrough.
DISCLAIMER: All Gundam Wing characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai Visuals, Sotsu Agency, and Asahi TV. This work is not written for profit, but for entertainment purposes only.
PAIRINGS: 6x5/5x6, 13x6/6x13, some very mild 4x9
WARNING: AU/modern day San Francisco; implied yaoi will turn to yaoi and eventual lemon in later chapters
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: To Alfred Hitchock who directed the incredible film, "Vertigo."
"Dreams are the Royal Road to the unconscious."- Sigmund Freud
The apartment looked the same as it had when Treize had been there, over a month ago. Wufei's books were still in the bookcase, the photo album in the same place it had been. Zechs led the way to the small kitchen and began taking things out of the refrigerator.
"So what's on the menu," Treize asked, and how can I help?"
Zechs put a box of fresh pasta on the counter and then pulled out a handful of tomatoes. "Do you know anything about pasta sauce?" the blond asked, looking slightly forlorn.
"A little," Treize said. "Why the face?"
"I always try to make sauce - it seems like it should be easy - but every time it comes out like some sickly stuff out of a jar." He pulled a large pot and a smaller saucepan out of a cupboard and looked over at Treize again. "Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.
The older man smiled, walking over to the counter. "Well, I think I've got just what you need," he said confidently. "A quick little sauce that has five ingredients and takes about ten minutes to make - and there's really no way to mess it up, either."
Zechs considered him seriously. "Now *that* is my kind of sauce. How do you make it?"
Treize held up a finger. "First," he said, we need the ingredients: flour, butter, cream, tomatoes, and garlic. Got all those?"
"Your wish is my command - I have all of those."
/Don't say things like that, Zechs.../ Treize tried not to look too closely as Zechs retrieved all of the items. There was something so warm and familiar about what they were doing, and it frightened Treize to think how powerful it was. /Keep your mind on the sauce, Treize.../
"All right, now," he said a bit too heartily, "we chop. If you chop the tomatoes into little squares, I'll mince the garlic."
"Gotcha," Zechs said, grabbing knives for them both. He handed Treize the garlic and then washed off the tomatoes and began to dice them. He had just begun the second tomato when he heard a loud "WHACK!" as Treize brought the flat part of his knife down hard on the helpless clove of garlic. Zechs nearly dropped his own knife. Turning to Treize he saw the forked-browed man holding the knife aloft over an absolutely smashed, but completely peeled, clove of garlic. The smirk on his face was one of victory.
"I suppose you *had* to do it that way?" Zechs said, frowning slightly.
"The fastest and easiest way to peel a clove of garlic," Treize said, still smirking. "I actually recommend this to my clients who have difficulty expressing anger properly. It's the culinary equivalent of a punching back, really."
"Is it," Zechs said, his voice a bit faint, giving Treize one last look of wariness before turning back to his tomatoes.
Treize noticed then that the blond had put his hair back in a loose ponytail and did his best to ignore the way it made his neck look vulnerable and perfect for kissing. It was a valiant effort but he lost in the end.
When the chopping was done, he melted some of the butter in the saucepan and stirred the flour into it. Then, slowly, he poured in the cream, whisking the concoction around continuously. Zechs was watching closely over his shoulder.
"That must be why my sauce never went beyond the tomato soup stage," the younger man mused. No flour."
"That's the key to thick sauce," Treize agreed. "Now we can add the garlic and the tomatoes. Zechs was reaching for them when the doorbell rang. "I'll put them in," Treize assured, "see to your guests."
"I thought *you* were a guest," Zechs said somewhat dryly as he headed out of the kitchen.
"No, I'm just the hired help," Treize called back, unable to hide a smile.
There was a sound of voices and then Noin and Quatre were in the kitchen. When she saw Treize stirring sauce, Noin stopped dead in her tracks and let her jaw drop. "It's *you*!" she said with astonishment, causing Treize to look around.
He looked himself up and down and then said, "I *do* believe you're right - it *is* me! What a *very* perceptive person you are." He smiled at her.
"It's... wait don't tell me," she said narrowing her eyes as she looked at him. "Treize, right?"
"Right," he said, and it's also Noin and Quatre. Nice to see you again."
Zechs had taken Quatre's drink order and had turned to Noin, who gave him a somewhat lascivious look. "You didn't tell us that you'd be inviting a guest..."
Treize chanced a sidelong glance at the blond man, just in time to see his cheeks go red. "I hadn't planned on it..." he began.
"No," Treize told her, "it was entirely by accident that we met up this afternoon."
"We were both going to Coit Tower," Zechs said quickly. "Treize was going to enjoy the view and I was going to sketch."
"He really just took pity on me," Treize added, "because it was dinner time when we left and it was probably obvious that I would be going home to a bowl of pistachios and a couple of tangerines."
Noin stared at both of them. "Uh huh. Sure." She pointed to Zechs with a long finger. "You and I are having a talk later, Mister Marquise."
Zechs almost paled. "Oh, I don't like the sound of *that,*" he muttered as he passed by Treize.
"So how is the design business?" Treize asked Quatre, who was sitting quietly at the table, smiling at the conversation.
"Good! Very good! Noin and I got a offer to do a show down in Los Angeles next month. It's a lot of work but I'm *trying* to get *Noin* to take it easy whenever she can..."
She made a face at him and then smiled. "We're pregnant," she told Treize, "due in about 6 months or so. I've been over here nearly every morning, moaning on Zechs's sofa about the morning sickness. But he seems to have this never-ending supply of crackers on hand."
"Speaking of food," Treize put in, "this sauce is done."
"Great," Zechs said, bringing the pasta from the table to the stove. He lowered the strands into the large pot, where water was boiling and then muttered, "Damn - I keep forgetting to buy a timer."
"I have one on my watch," Treize said, holding up his wrist and trying to stir the sauce so it wouldn't burn.
"Oh - thanks," Zechs murmured, taking hold of Treize's wrist and pushing the tiny button for the timer. "About 5 minutes should do it." He walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a salad.
Treize stood at the stove and had to force himself to remember to stir. Where Zechs had touched his wrist and arm, the skin was tingling and his stomach had suddenly become home to an entire flock of butterflies. /His fingers... so warm... soft... oh, *damn* what am I going to do!/
He didn't hear the rest of the conversation being carried on at the table. It was only when his watch started beeping that he pulled himself out of trance the blond's touch had put him in.
The sauce proved to be a hit, and Noin was helping herself to a second portion, claiming that *finally* she'd found something that actually tasted good.
"I think you should come over and cook more often, Treize," she said in a teasing manner. "Zechs and the kitchen don't always see eye to eye."
Zechs looked at her with a wounded expression. "Hateful woman! I'll have you know I bought and cooked that pasta... and I even warmed up the bread. My culinary skills are many and varied - as long as I don't actually have to *cook* anything." He gave her a rueful smile.
"But he's very good at laundry!" Quatre chimed in, looking over at Treize with mild concern. "Much, much better than Noin, really!"
Treize raised an eyebrow at the eager blond's tone of voice. /Are you trying to convince me of something? I thought they only did this kind of thing in old Russian novels - telling the suitor about the potential bride's domestic skills... poor Zechs./ Stifling a laugh, he decided to pursue it. "Is he really? Well, it's true - every time I've seen him his clothes have always been very clean." He looked over at Zechs and gave in to the laugh. Zechs stuck out his tongue.
"Speaking of laundry," Noin said, looking over at Zechs, "Quatre told me that the new guy in #15 was talking about you in the laundry room yesterday..." She wriggled her eyebrows at him suggestively.
"New guy?" Zechs said, a puzzled look on his face.
"You know," Quatre said, "that tall, dark one. He's a personal trainer - used to be a Marine sergeant. He was asking me whether you had a boyfriend and whether or not I thought you'd go out with him."
Zechs's cheeks flushed. "What did you tell him?" he asked the smaller man with some alarm.
Quatre shrugged. "I told him I didn't know much about your romantic life and that if he wanted to ask you out, he should just ask you."
"Oooh," Noin joined in, "would you go?? Tell, tell!"
"Stop it, you two," Zechs said firmly. "You're always trying to set me up. For all I know the guy could be some homophobe who wants to take me somewhere and shoot me for my sins." He shook his head slowly and looked over at Treize. "Forgive them, even though they know *exactly* what they do..."
"But he's very *handsome, Zechs," Noin said in a wheedling voice.
"Yes, and just think of all that military discipline he's no doubt come to love," Quatre added, smiling at Noin with a co-conspiratorial air.
Her eyes lit up and she looked over at Zechs again. "Mmmm... just imagine, sweetheart... anyone would loved to be dommed by you..."
That was apparently too much, even for Quatre, who stared with exaggerated coldness at his wife and said, "If I didn't know you better, I could swear you're planning adultery with our next door neighbor."
She laughed and leaned over to kiss him. "You have nothing to worry about, love. I don't think I'm quite Zechsy's type."
Treize watched the ensuing banter between the three of them with increasing sadness. What was he doing here? He didn't belong in their lives, and he certainly couldn't in good conscience join in the playful teasing of Zechs the two neighbors seemed to enjoy. He was beginning to think he'd made a very large mistake in accepting the invitation.
/Besides... what *is* "Zechsy's type?" Probably short, pretty Asian boys that he could hold up in his arms while they had sex... Not some great pale thing like me, basically the same height as he is and liking my fair share of top... Damn! Why does it hurt so much!/
Vaguely, he became aware that someone was saying his name. He came out of his brood and saw Zechs looking at him with concern. Noin and Quatre seemed to be tossing bread bits to one another and catching them in their mouths.
"Are you all right?" Zechs said, quietly.
"Yes," he said, forcing a smile, "yes indeed. Why do you ask?" /And *don't* look at me that way... I'll lose any shred of resolve I have left./
"You seemed sad," Zechs answered, over a scream of delight from Noin, who had managed to get a tomato into Quatre's mouth as well.
"I'm not, really," Treize lied. "Just being the silent observer - bad habit of therapists. I'll try to be a better guest."
Zechs's face took on a slightly wounded look, but he turned away and smiled at his neighbors. "Shall we move to the living room before one of you chokes the other?"
Between the four of them they polished off the entire pot of pasta, a salad, and a plate of french bread. Now they sprawled in the living room and were, with the exception of Noin, sipping the rest of the wine. Quatre sat on a large pillow on the floor, Noin cradled in his arms, while Zechs and Treize sat on the futon sofa.
"So tell me," Treize said to the two designers, "will parenthood change things in your business?"
They looked at each other and smiled. "Well, we work at home," Quatre said, "so child care won't be that much of a problem. It'll just be a matter of tag teaming, and we're already used to that."
"I look forward to it," Noin added with a very self-satisfied smile. "For me, the idea of having children and bringing them up so they're happy and smart... it's just such a - well a *comfortable*idea, you know? So warm and snug..." She looked thoughtful and then laughed softly. "Or maybe those old wives tales about nesting instincts are right."
"I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother, Noin," Zechs said softly. He was smiling down at them, but Treize could see the sadness behind his eyes.
/Not like your mother, eh Zechs?/
"Well, thank you, dear," she said, smiling at him, "but you have to help me get through the first trimester. Then I can think about things other than my stomach and Quatre can do all the sewing while you and I paint the nursery." She sat up suddenly, leaving Quatre lounging on the pillow, and added, "Speaking of that, can I borrow some crackers? My doc said I should try eating them before I even get out of bed in the morning. I'm willing to try anything, so having a little stash of my own would help."
"Sure," Zechs said, standing up and heading for the kitchen. "I'll go get some for you to take home."
"Thanks!" she called after him, then looked at Treize. "Is he okay?" she whispered. "He seems kind of... I don't know - sad or something. Is his therapy going okay?"
Quatre sat up and added, "We really do worry about him - being here alone. I'm pretty sure he still thinks about Wufei all the time. So... is he going to be all right?"
Treize looked at them, feeling the pull of his two roles, therapist and romantic pursuer more than ever. "I can't really talk about specifics," he whispered, "but *I* think he's improving."
"Well *that's* good to know," Noin said. "He deserves to be happy again." She was silent for a moment and then smiled slyly at him. "*You* wouldn't be in the market for a boyfriend, would you...?"
Treize cheeks had just turned several shades of crimson when Zechs walked back into the room. "Here you are," he said to Noin, holding out a small bag of crackers.
"Thanks!" she said, smiling. "I owe you one!"
"And now that you have your crackers," Quatre said, giving her a little nip on the ear, "it's time for bed."
She made a face at him and then teased, "You mean 'time for bed' or 'time for *bed.*"
"He stood and pulled her to her feet, an expression of feigned shock on his face. "Please! You *are* a pregnant woman, after all!"
"Yes," she said, arms slipping around his waist, "and I know exactly how I got that way!"
It was Quatre's turn to blush and he murmured something about them leaving before Noin could embarrass him further.
They all said their goodbyes and then Zechs shut the door behind them, turning to Treize after he did and smiling. "Do you have to run off, too - or can you stay for a few minutes?" he asked, somewhat shyly.
/It's not as if I really have a choice now, is it? 'No' seems to be something completely beyond my grasp this evening.../ "I suppose I could stay for just a bit," Treize answered. "You know your friends are very concerned about you."
Sitting down on the sofa again, Zechs gave a small nod. "I know. They've been that way ever since... Fei died. We were all very good friends. The problem is, they've moved on in the process from helping me mourn to trying the get me to be part of a couple again. That whole thing about the guy downstairs is very typical of them right now."
Treize almost didn't want to ask the next question, but felt he had to, both as a therapist and as a man highly attracted to Zechs. "What are *you* needing? What is it *you're* ready for?"
A troubled frown returned to the golden face and Zechs gaze followed his fingers as they traced along the arm of the sofa. "Sometimes," he said softly, "I think that if I... feel anything, for another man... it would be a betrayal. I'd be betraying Fei... sometimes..."
Treize felt a stab of pain, but nodded. "That's a very common feeling, Zechs. The majority of people who lose a love or spouse feel that way for a time."
Zechs turned to him suddenly and looked him in the eyes. "But how do you know when enough time's gone by?" he asked, voice soft but insistent. "how do you know when it's time to... to put the other feelings to rest... and allow new ones to grow?"
The look in Zechs's eyes was too much for Treize, who failed to stifle a sharp intake of breath. He reached a hand out and touched Zechs's cheek softly. "You're the only one who can answer that. You wouldn't want to force yourself into something you don't really want, just because you feel it's 'necessary.'"
The blond continued to search Treize's eyes for something, what exactly it was Treize couldn't say. "Sometimes," Zechs said uncertainly, "sometimes I *think* I'm having those feelings, as if it *might* be possible to see someone like that again..." His eyes flickered downwards. "But then I get scared. Every time..."
Treize leaned forward a bit, stroking his thumb over the soft skin, waiting for the brilliant blue gaze to rise again. "What are you afraid of, Zechs?" he whispered.
Zechs was trembling slightly, still staring downwards. "I'm not even sure I know," he said. "Sometimes... it feels like..." His head raised suddenly and he looked at Treize, eyes shining with tears he hadn't been able to cry. "If I let myself have feelings for someone else, then the time I had with Fei was all just an illusion! It'd be like he never existed! I would just... go on with my life and find another partner and..." A single tear escaped the cage of his lashes. "If I give in, I'm afraid I'll forget him..."
Treize pulled Zechs into his arms, wrapping him in a deep hug and running a hand down the pale gold spill of hair down the other man's back. Zechs grabbed him tightly around midsection, holding on as if his life depended on it and burying his face against Treize's shoulder.
"I don't want to forget him! He was the best thing that ever happened to me - to my life - and I'd rather die myself than go on and forget who he was, what he meant to me!"
He was crying softly now and Treize simply held him and continued to stroke his hair, realizing they were at a turning point in Zechs's therapy. /Hmm... what do you know, Anne - we're not even in my office.../
And that was the moment - the moment he waited for in all of his cases - when a piece of the truth became evident, and he knew what Zechs needed to hear in order to begin the journey towards healing. He held the trembling man tighter, stroking his hair a little more slowly, and spoke in a very soft voice.
"I think I know what you're feeling, Zechs - what's been scaring you. I think that you believe Wufei will only continue to exist if you mourn for him. I think you believe that his very being exists in your sadness over his death and if you let that sadness go, the memory of him, and your honor of that memory, goes with it."
Zechs was quieting as he listened to Treize's voice, still holding on to the older man tightly.
"But I don't think that's correct, you know," Treize said, resting his cheek on the top of Zechs head. "I think you have enough good memories of him to last you a lifetime and I don't believe that your being happy could touch those in the least."
Now Treize could feel himself stepping onto new territory, not knowing if his words would be right, but trusting himself to just talk. "I think that Wufei was the one who finally helped you get away from your parents and all of their disappointments with you. He didn't see you as malformed or disordered or embarrassing. He thought you were beautiful, from the first moment he saw you. He wanted you more than anyone had ever wanted you, and that's what helped you see some worth in yourself. And even after you moved in together, and he knew *exactly* what it was you were hiding, he didn't care. It didn't change how he felt about you one bit."
Treize smiled softly as he gave Zechs a slight squeeze. "And most importantly - I think he was proud of you for getting out of the trap your parents had kept you in. I think he was proud of the way you began to look at yourself, as if you weren't a mistake, but had the same right to exist as everyone else does. Am I right about that?"
Zechs didn't move from where he was, pressed against Treize's shoulder with his eyes tightly shut, but the older man could feel him nodding and it let him know he'd ventured out onto the correct path.
"Now," Treize continued, "it's up to you to make sure all those changes for the better - changes that *he* helped you make - aren't for nothing. Tell me, Zechs, if you had been the one to die, and Wufei was still alive here... would you want him to be happy, after he'd mourned you? Or would you want him to go through his life in sadness? I'm guessing that you would *want* him to be happy. Is that right?"
After a moment, Zechs nodded again.
"Then why would he have wanted any less for you?" Treize asked. "He loved you so much." Zechs began to cry softly again, but Treize kept talking. He needed to hear it. "I looked through your photo album last time I was here - shouldn't have I realize, and I apologize for the intrusion on your privacy but... I *saw* the look on his face when he looked at your in those pictures... when your arms were around him, he practically shined. He loved you so much you just couldn't ignore it, or deny it, and because he *did* he would want the same life for you as you would have wanted for him if it had been your time to go."
"I loved him... so much..." Zechs managed to whisper. "When he died, it felt like my heart had been torn out... like I was dead, too, but for some reason hadn't been able to go with him... I don't want to forget him... or make our life together seem inconsequential..."
"It could never be that," Treize assured him in a soft voice. "Never, *ever*, Zechs. He will *always* be a part of you, and the things you did together will *always* be an important part of your life. But he loved you enough to want you happy... Do you think you could do that for him? Could you be happy for Wufei's sake?"
Zechs turned his face outward a bit and said, "It seems so selfish..."
"Could you be happy for Wufei's sake?" Treize asked again, looking down at Zechs.
The blond man looked up at him, eyes wet with tears, but a measure of resolve on his face. "I can try," he said, voice low and shaky. "I *will* try..."
"You know something, Zechs?" Treize said, "I'm very proud of you, too."
Zechs turned his face back towards Treize's shoulder and hugged him more tightly. "Thanks," he said. "Will Hilde bill me for this...?"
Treize had to laugh, softly. "If she does you have my permission to burn the bill." /Zechs... you've taken such a great step forward tonight... I *am* proud of you. But I also wish to hell that you didn't feel so wonderful to hold.../
He looked down at the man in his arms and sighed softly. Zechs was fast asleep.
End of Chapter 13
(:./kumiko/rr13)
