this one fuses the original Star trek & GW
"Captain, I can't push it any further, it's going to blow!" screamed Scotty.
"Damn the consequences and keep going!" ordered Captain Kirk.
There was a huge sound of 1,000,284 people screaming until there was the realization that Scotty was talking about the engine, not about a certain photon torpedo-shaped object.
"Where... is that... screaming coming from?" said Kirk.
Spock stuck a thingamajiggie in his ear and said, "Unknown, captain. It seems to be emanating from subspace."
"Hi, guys!"
Everyone turns to see Duo-Q standing on the bridge. He was dressed in a black fishnet shirt and black leather pants.
"Fascinating," said Spock, green blood bleeding from his nose. He quickly covers his nose and looks very annoyed for a Vulcan.
"Who are you? And what are you doing... on MY ship?" huffed James Tiberius Kirk as he sat in his comfy swivel chair.
"I'm Duo-Q and I'm in search of nookie!"
Chekov and Sulu glanced at each other and sweatdropped. Uhura simply drooled at Duo-Q.
Duo-Q sidled up to Mr. Spock and said, "Mr. Spock, what is it about you that makes me sooooo happy? You're brunette, full of repressed emotions and a body structure that's capable of things humans simply can't do. Gee, who do you remind me of?" He winked extravagantly at the alien humanoid.
"I am afraid that you would find the experience neither pleasurable nor interesting," said Spock.
"Oh, I doubt that very much, Spocky-poo."
"Security, come up to the bridge, I have someone I want to take to the brig," said Kirk, looking royally pissed.
"Brig, weee! Oh, wait, that's brig, not dungeon."
"I want you off my ship!" snapped Kirk.
"Or what? You'll eat me?"
Kirk was about to say something when Spock tried the Vulcan neck pinch on Duo-Q.
"Wow, that really got rid of the sore spot on my neck. Do it again somewhere else," said Duo-Q. "Look, I'll go to the nice little brig if Spock accompanies me on the turbo lift."
"I am in command of this ship and I'll decide... "
Spock stepped forward and said, "Captain, I have decided to accompany him to the brig. Perhaps then there will be peace."
Spock goes in with Duo-Q in the turbo lift. Unfortunately for Spock, the turbo lift suddenly stops. Duo mock pouts and says, "OH, noooooo, it stopped. Perhaps we can make use of some Jefferies' Lube?"
Spock flipped out his communicator and said, "Scotty, I seem to be stuck in the main turbo lift, can you please get it unstuck?"
"I'm doing all I can in the engine room... "
"THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!"
Duo really pouted and said, "God, you have such a bad attitude. Aren't you in the least interested in this?" He turned around and wiggled his butt.
"No, I am sorry to inform you that I am not," Spock stated despite his bleeding nose.
"Oh, Spocky, baby. Don't you know that it's illogical to lie and deny your deep feelings for me? Ah, well, perhaps the Dr. Coy, I mean McCoy, will be interested. If you change your mind, come to the sick bay and we can play doctor or with the doctor, whichever you prefer." With that, he disappeared.
Dr. McCoy was scowling at his meal of cubes that looked like a cross between jello and playdoh. "Damn it, food is supposed to look like food, not like something you make a cup out of. What I wouldn't give for a good steak, cholesterol be damned!"
Suddenly, his plate had a juicy Wagyu ribeye with just a little salt, pepper and garlic sauce with a side of mashed potatoes. "How's that?'
Dr. McCoy looked up to see Duo-Q in the doorway in a tuxedo, holding a bouquet. "Who are you?"
"I'm Duo-Q and I appreciate a man with high standards," he purred.
"I'm a doctor not a hooker!" spat Dr. McCoy.
"Did I say such a thing? I did not. But, isn't Bones your nickname? I really want to see how you got it?"
Dr. McCoy, clever man that he was, reached behind him and picked up a hypospray full of tranquilizer and said, "Well, I always insist on examining the people I sleep with. It's standard operating procedure for me."
"Oh, you mean I get to doff my clothes?"
"Please keep your pants on."
Duo slowly shed his jacket, then slowly unlooped his tie and moved it back and forth before letting it drop to the ground. Then he slowly unbuttoned his shirt and slowly began shrugging it off.
Dr. McCoy swallowed then said, "Hop up on the table."
He began scanning the being smiling at him. "You are registering as a young adult Caucasian male with no viruses or harmful bacteria in your system."
"Well, that's what I am. Now, how about I feed you that steak in bed, huh?'
Dr. McCoy began moving around him, continually scanning. "I also see these strange energy readings and... " He then quickly jabbed Duo with the hypospray.
Duo looked surprised, turned around and said, "Oh, that must be Hypnonarcophan. You're not trying to make me sleepy, are you?" Now the minute Duo disappeared from the turbolift, it began to function again. Spock then had the turbolift stop at where the medical bay was. He pushed the button of the communicator and said, "Captain, Duo-Q has disappeared and I believe he's gone in search of Dr. McCoy."
"Take charge of the bridge, I'm going to go after him."
"Negative, Captain, you must stay on the bridge. I will go after him." I must protect my koi from Duo-Q, thought Spock.
"But... ssssSpock!"
Uhuru said, "Captain, can't we keep Duo-Q on board?"
"No, we can not! This is my ship! The damn turbolift won't come back up. I can't even get down there to hit him on the back with my two-fisted chop!" screeched James Kirk while wildy gesticulating. "Not only that, he snubs his nose at me, the most desirable being on the ship, and chases after my senior officers!"
Suddenly a bishonen appeared. "I know how you can get him out of the ship. It only involves a little humiliation on your part."
Sulu and Chekov start to bleed from their noses.
Kirk glared at the intruder. "Who are you and... Oh, never mind, why don't YOU get him off MY ship?"
The bishonen pouted. "I want to sleep with him afterwards. And he won't if I'm the one who kicks him off." The bishonen walks up to the Captain and whispers in his ear.
"That... is... so wrong!" said Kirk in that stop-start manner of his.
The bishonen merely smirked at him.
"Oh, Spock!" said Duo-Q as he saw the door swish open. "You're just in time for playing with the doctor."
"Dr.? Are you all right?" Spock said to the man tied securely to the medical bed.
"What does it look like, Spock?" snapped McCoy. "Luckily, none of my clothes have been removed."
"I wanted to let Spock have the honors," said Duo-Q. "Or perhaps I should get Scotty drunk and have him start things up at warp speed. Then we can keep going at impulse power."
"Gee, how many members of the crews were you planning on inviting?" said Dr. McCoy sarcastically.
"I wonder if Chekov and Sulu would enjoy the show?" pondered Duo-Q. Suddenly, he went into "gorgeous" mode. His hair escaped from his braid, his skin seemed to take on a really lovely glow, and his clothes burst off and reformed into a dark, sleeveless outfit that looked as if it had been painted on. He began to sing a Barry White song while swaying to his own singing. Colored lights sparkled around him.
Spock sweatdropped. Must use logic to resist temptation, he thought. Must use logic to resist temptation.
Suddenly, the door opened one more time. All of them turned to the door and screamed at once.
Captain James Tiberius Kirk was dressed in the same get-up as Dr. Frank N' Furter from the "Rocky Horror Picture" Show and sang:
Fighting evil by moonlight
Winning love by daylight
Never running from a real fight
He is the one named Captain KirkHe will never turn his back on a friend
He is always there to defend
He is the one on whom we can depend
He is the one named Captain Kirk
Spock and Dr. McCoy lay in fetal positions near Kirk's feet. Duo simply backed away, aghast.
"Now, get off MY SHIP OR I'll sing the theme to Magic Knight Rayearth! Or perhaps you want a rendition of Lucy in Sky with Diamonds!"
Duo-Q whimpered and finally disappeared from the Enterprise, back to the Q continuum where a certain bishonen was waiting for him to comfort him in bed.
Unfortunately, the two senior officers of the Enterprise were struck with hysterical blindness for the next two weeks.
The End
(:./mk/q3)
