Title: The Paddle Team
Authors: listmembers of CS Insanity Central - as listed for each chapter
Chapter Twenty-Three by Dark Hilde
Lt. Col. Une stood in the kitchen, still interrogating the silently musing potatoes. They wouldn't talk, even when threatened. She went through PMSing moodswings like they were the latest fashions, going from 'Sweet, Understanding and nice Lt. Col. Une' to 'Lt. Col. Une the nasty and mean Potato Frying Bitch Queen' and then back again in a matter of seconds. 5.3 to be exact.
This going on for about a minute or two while she finally realized she was getting nowhere fast, as everytime she would try to toss one of the disobedient potatoes that had angered her into the deepfryer, she would change moods like railroad tracks once again then decide they needed to talk their way through it, subsequently fishing the poor, suffering lad out of the bubbling brew again with a metal tipped, plastic handled spaghetti strainer.
Meanwhile, Alex and Mueller were laughing to themselves as they opened the door to the Kitchen, believing that in a perfect world they would be homefree and perfectly capable to go on to Plan B, Phase 3, Section 8 and Part 2 of their third plan, and then decide what to do from there... They still weren't completely certain.
(Only because this Authoress who finally decided to get off her lazy ass and add to the RR, can't think of anything and doesn't even remember how they got there in the first place; but I don't think that's what they thought about it now, nope, they were just uncertain of the next step in... whatever plan it was they were diabolically scheming in hurried, quiet whispers and only now and then in secretive made up on the spot hand gestures pronouncing to each other their 'true intent' in a quiet, hush-hush, haha we got it sorta way.... Which I think they forgot after a 'diabolical take over the world or a good portion of it worthy section' of Plan A was completed successfully and the purely joygasmic experience of such an endeavour successfully accomplished had left them a little senseless and careless and well, dumb.... Yeah.)
That's why they walked right into the Kitchen and smack into Lt. Col. Une. In bitchy mother-goddess mode. Luckily, they had stashed the prize in Alex's coat pocket... right before a quick makeout session in the hallway, when no one was looking, of course.
"You! Have you seen the POTATO!??" She practically shrieked.
Alex, face white, nodded then pointed to the potatoes, now all in a huddle for their lives near the volcano of bubbling and boiling death acid, hoping to distract the insane woman long enough for Mueller, whom had been passed the REAL potato behind his back, to make a hasty and unseen getaway.
Predictably, the distraught woman turned, inspected the flock then groaned. Mueller was nowhere in sight, the door still swinging on its hinges, when the woman turned around once more to backhand Alex. "THAT'S NOT MY PRECIOUS! What morons!" She turned back to the pot of boiling death then suddenly started cooing, having taken off her glasses and wiped a bead of sweat off her cheek. "My little ones, tell me the way."
'I am so outta here...' Alex groped along the wall, hoping it would open in a secret passage and allow him some freedom... His hand reached the spice rack and then fell right past it as the rack fell to the side, not spilling a bottle, and amazingly opened, the wall sliding back like a swinging door on a mouse oriented livetrap. The man fell through the wall just in time for it to fall back into place, replacing the spice rack, and confusing an already befuddled Lt. Col. 'Miss Happy, joy joy' Une.
Noin sat, waiting, on the bed when HE walked in, bleeding, and complaining about the 'Witch' having just pulled the last straw. She looked up, hoping it was her Zechsy, but then her face fell, and she with it under the weight of depression, back onto the spring filled, squeaky bed.
COMPANY was not on her agenda, and she KNEW for a fact that her Zechs would not do a damn thing for her, to her, in her, on her, er, whatever in front of anyone else. She then resolved that she had to be rid of this pesky annoyance, but... how?
"Go away, Private." She flicked an annoyed look at Johnson who was heading for the first aid kit while holding his nose in his right hand.
"But I was ordered here by Lady Une..." He said, though it came out something like a muffled complaint, as his nose was busted. He sat on the bed nearby, first aid kit in hand.
"I don't care if you were sent here by Jesus himself to save the world! You get your ass up this instant! Hurry UP! I am gonna get LAID, Like, Right NOW! Do you UNDERSTAND that concept? Can you?" Erh, she hadn't meant for it to come out like that, but, hell, the look on his bloody face was priceless.
Until he said: "You want us to have sex? Uhm, lady, I am gay..."
"Gawd!" Noin rolled off the bed, or at least, that was her intent, before someone else came into the room, heavy footsteps falling behind her. She froze, thinking that she should probably stay on the bed if it were her White Knight come to save- er- lay her.
"Oh, Noin, I didn't know you'd been hurt...Run in to Une lately?" Peters said as Noin continued to get up off the bed, defeated. She had the angriest visage, kind of reminding him of Medusa, minus the snakes, of course. He sat by Johnson, who immediately went into mother hen mode over the little cut above his love's eye.
"I want you two OUT of here this instant. Something BIG, and oh god I hope, no I *know* it's big, is going to 'come' in here, literally, and I want to make absolutely CERTAIN that this event occurs without a hitch. Or, hmm...getting hitched...hmm...Not bad..."
The two men glanced at the ranting woman then at each other, thinking they had better back away as fast as they could. She was almost as bad as the Witchy woman with the glasses. Really shouldn't think of your superior officer in that way, but hell... No one liked her anyway, right? Well, maybe the potatoes... nah, nope, not them either...
Chapter Twenty-Four by WingNut
Peters and Johnson slowly eased away from the furious Lieutenant.
Horny beyond belief, Noin leapt to her feet and wrapped a fist into the front of each private's shirt, preparing to push them out into the hallway. She was about to snarl something cutting, along the lines of "What part of 'I want some privacy' do you not understand?" when an urgent need made itself known to her.
In keeping with the green-theme of the day, it was the call of nature.
Damnit, damnit, damnit, she didn't want to leave sickbay, and maybe miss Zechs when he finally got here, but she also didn't want to have to go to the washroom after he'd arrived - it would spoil the romantic mood!
But perhaps she could use these otherwise-useless non-com-poops. She jerked their shirts until they were almost nose to nose to nose. "I have to leave now, but I'll be back as soon as I can. Colonel Zechs is going to be coming soon, and I'm charging you with making sure he doesn't escape before I return." She bit her lip - she couldn't very well tell them that she was desperate to get laid, and that she had drugged Zechs to induce him to seduce her. But the drug was important...
She narrowed her eyes and tried to look as much like the scary version of Une as she could. "This is part of the field test for our latest weapon, so if you screw up, you'll be answering to Colonel Une. Do I make myself clear?"
The widened eyes and simultaneous vigorous nods almost made her feel better. Almost.
Nodding to herself, she turned and marched swiftly out of sickbay and into the nearest washroom to freshen up.
"What was that all about?" Johnson asked nasally as Peters carefully covered his broken nose with a protective metal doohicky.
Peters shrugged, applying medical tape carefully. "Well, it sounds like we have to prevent Colonel Zechs from escaping."
"But he has a higher rank than we do, we can't tell him what to do!" Johnson protested.
"Ah, but the Lieutenant said it was part of a test. This must be one of those things where the officers check out the ingenuity and initiative of their grunts. There, how does your nose feel now?"
"Sore."
"Awwww." Peters promptly kissed it better. His aim was atrocious - the kiss landed smack on Johnson's mouth - but the other private didn't seem to mind much.
A few lovely moments later, Peters reluctantly dragged his lips off Johnson's. "So, if this is a test of initiative, we'd better start by finding Colonel Zechs."
"Yeah, I guess." Johnson, obviously not wanting to keep the badly-aimed kiss, returned it.
Greenthumb Duo wriggled slightly in Trowa's lap, smiling happily. He wrapped his fingers around the unsatisfied PaddleTeam member's member and squeezed. "Surely there's *something* I can do to show my appreciation for your... giving me a hand," he said demurely.
Trowa didn't quite know how it happened, but the spicy taste of the mutant's seed still lingering on his tongue, the sight of those shining emerald eyes, and the exquisite grip of those slender digits on his aching flesh all combined to give him the largest, hardest arousal of his life.
Greenthumb wriggled some more, shifting his fingers and giggling a bit. "What a well-grown root!"
"Gnnrrrarrrghhhh," Trowa groaned intelligibly, his wits scrambled by the electrifying slide of GreenThumb's green thumb over the head of his erection.
The rose stalk in front of Zechs' eyes throbbed, and grew thicker. Sighing at the suggestive imagery, the tall blond ducked his head and pushed the growing stem behind him to clear his field of view.
The roses, which had loosened a bit when Noin had barrelled into them, had tightened up again with little squeezes that seemed to correspond to the moans and breathless giggles he could hear from outside his sheath of greenery. Remembering the deliciously sexy nymph whose hair he had been washing, Zechs suspected that Greenthumb was enjoying himself. Or someone else. Or both.
Well, he didn't think he could get out of this rose-trap, so he might as well lie back and enjoy it, as the saying went. And enjoying himself would be ridiculously easy, he thought, glancing down at the handsome dark-haired young man entwined in the roses with him.
For some reason, the majority of the rose-vines seemed to be concentrated on keeping the PaddleTeam agent immobilized. Zechs considered their relative positions, and those of the vines he could see, and shifted carefully.
Ahhhhh, that was better! Now he was lying on his back with the Asian man draped over his right side. He gasped as a strong hand snaked into the front of his breeches and began squeezing and stroking, while a hot mouth attached itself to his neck. An impressively hard erection was grinding into his hip, but Zechs couldn't quite reach it.
Instead, he contented himself with sliding one hand inside the back of the other man's leather pants and fondling the delectable ass he found there. He palmed the smooth skin, squeezing and pinching the firm cheeks, but then, being the avid gardener that he was, he slid one long finger down the warm cleft, searching for the rosette at the bottom.
Hips flexed and both men groaned as they thrust against each other. Zechs took advantage of their mutual rocking to slowly work a finger into the other man's body. A grunt and a sharp bite at his neck signalled when he had found the spot he wanted.
His own orgasm fast approaching, Zechs swirled his finger around repeatedly, mercilessly rubbing and prodding. Shivers danced across the golden skin, and Zechs pressed in relentlessly, enjoying the way the other man squirmed against him.
White teeth closing over his shoulder muffled an ecstatic cry as hot liquid splashed against his side and chest. The almost painfully tight clasp around his own erection dragged Zechs over the edge as well, and he came with a heartfelt groan.
After a moment to calm his thundering pulse and steady his trembling limbs, Zechs managed to gasp, "In light of... recent... wonderful events... I think... formal introductions can be waived. But... I would still like to know your name. Greenthumb never said."
Vivid blue eyes smirked at him. "Heero. But don't think that this changes anything between us. You're still a leader of the Rose Brigade, and I'm still an active part of the PaddleTeam."
Zechs nodded, too pleasantly enervated to argue. "Understood."
Alex stopped dead as the secret door shut behind him with a soft click. From the other side, he could still hear Colonel Une alternately crooning and threatening the potatoes in the kitchen. Realizing that he would have to be very, very quiet if he wanted to complete his escape, he began to explore carefully.
Where the hell was he? Who in their right minds would create a secret passage to the *kitchen*, of all places? Of course, now that he thought about Colonels 'Crazy' Une and 'Helmethead' Zechs, not to mention Genetic Engineer 'Weirdo' Tuberov, perhaps right minds were in short supply in the Rose Brigade...
He firmly turned his thoughts away from that. He had to find his way out of here - quietly! - and then meet up with Mueller, who had already made his escape with the specially altered potato that had everyone in such a dither.
The passage led behind the pantry, and became a set of spiral stairs, leading down.
Alex descended slowly into the darkness.
General Treize Khushrenada, leader of the Rose Brigade, watched the leader from the PaddleTeam pace the floor as he tapped his chin absently with a polished wooden probe. "What is the ultimate aim of the Rose Brigade?" the little blond asked.
Treize, seated on a table with the firm intention of staying there until that disturbing wooden toy was put away, raised an eyebrow. "I should think that would be obvious."
When no further response was forthcoming, the slender Chinese man still so deliciously impaled in his lap turned and glared over his shoulder. "You didn't answer the question."
Treize bit back a groan as his lover slowly began to squeeze his internal muscles. Before the intense pleasure could turn to discomfort, he said a bit breathlessly, "It's no real secret. We are dedicated to beautifying the city by planting and maintaining roses in both public and private gardens."
His Dragon smiled, relaxing and settling down more firmly in Treize's lap. "See how easy it is? Just answer the question." Treize didn't trust his voice to reply.
"Were you responsible for planting those new peach-coloured roses in the Peacecraft Public Gardens?"
"Seymour's Debut? Yes, that was our doing," Treize said, quite enjoying the way his lover squirmed to reward him for the swift response.
"And who developed that strain of rose?" the blond asked intently.
Treize hesitated, then admitted warily, "One of our scientists..." While he wasn't ashamed in any way of his Brigade's actions, Seymour Tuberov was a sore topic with him. While there was no denying that the man was a brilliant geneticist, he was also, Treize hated to admit, somewhat creepy. Treize felt strongly that the man was untrustworthy, which is why he had assigned his dear Lady Une to watch over the scientist's projects in the underground hydroponics lab.
"You see," the blond continued earnestly, "we had a run-in with a criminal named Seymour just over a year ago." By the way his lover abruptly stiffened, Treize suspected that either the blond was lying, or his Dragon - Wufei - was making some unwelcome connections. Or perhaps he was about to climax yet again...
"He evaded capture during a police raid by unleashing aggressive, genetically altered plants. The PaddleTeam responded to the officers' distress calls, and managed to beat the plants back," the blond slapped his quirt against his own leg at the memory, "but the mastermind behind the mutations had fled. We only know his name because the defeated plants were calling for him, demanding to be fed."
"When the bushes of Seymour's Debut were planted, we were suspicious, but there was no clue as to who was responsible. We'd also heard rumours of terrorist gardeners before, but no one could ever provide us with descriptions. When we saw the video of your team of crack horticulturalists today, we had both the connection between the roses and your Brigade, and the descriptions we needed to track you down."
"We did?" Wufei said, surprised.
"Wufei! Didn't Trowa pass on the mission details when he went to fetch you from the garden?"
Wufei snorted. "Quatre, you know Trowa pays more attention to your briefs than your briefings!"
"But I'm not *wearing* briefs today!" Quatre argued, puzzled.
"I rest my case. Besides, there was GreenThumb Duo to deal with..."
Treize stifled a chuckle at the identical looks of reminiscent lust on both men's faces at the mention of the green-eyed mutant. "I assure you," he said smoothly, pressing just a little more deeply into his lover for emphasis, "the Rose Brigade is concerned only with creating beauty through rose gardens. If Dr. Seymour Tuberov has used our resources to create monstrous plant life, it was done without my knowledge or consent."
The blond - Quatre, was it? - nodded. "All right. The question is, where is Seymour now, and what do we do about him?"
[TBC]
Chapter Twenty-Five by Jane
Seymour stood before his full length mirror, admiring his brand new evening gown. It was a lovely dress, one that he had recently shoplifted from the nearby Little Shop of Horrors, whose lyrical ensembles were staples for any rising drag queen. As he bent to examine one very large and glittery stiletto, he thought briefly of his old life, the one where he had been Seymour Tuberov. He had been a scientist, and a great lover of plants. "Feed me Seymour!" they would cry in delight and desperation, even as he released his seed into the knot of a beautiful oak.
Well, he thought to himself, there's no use dwelling on the past. After all, he was Seymour Panties now, famous in the world of debauchery and hedonism. He squinted at his scarred face in the mirror, and fluffed his lank, greasy hair. The night was calling to him- he had to fly! He snatched his purse from the vanity table beside his bed, and hobbled to the door. "I'm coming, darlings!" he yelled, and promptly tripped over the doormat.
Noin sat on the toilet, flipping through Cosmopolitan. "Get in the Best Shape of Your Life!" the neon headline on the cover screamed. She located the page and began to read.
"You've tried everything: pills, machines, weight loss tapes, but nothing seems to work! Plain old diet and exercise is too complicated; who wants to haul themselves into a gym when there are such interesting programs on tv? What can a girl do to keep the pounds off? Well, Dr. Aneurysm of The Weight-Loss Center of New York just may have the answer. Cosmopolitan reporter Stephanie Pustule went to visit the good Doctor at her 6 million dollar home in the Hamptons to find out her weight loss secret. "You want to know my big weight loss secret, huh?" Dr. Aneurysm asked. "Well, it's simple, really. All you have to do is cut out every part of your diet except for the potato."
Potato, Noin thought. Potato...wait, Zechs! He must have been waiting for her forever by now! She pulled up her pants and washed her hands with great haste, then ran quickly out of the bathroom door, a piece of toilet paper stuck to her boot.
Chapter Twenty-Six by Clary Sage
Trowa was in bliss, with the small exception of his foot, which was currently twisted under him in a way that made it go numb. Other than that however, he was in absolute ecstasy. GreenThumb Duo's hand was perfect as it slid from the head of Trowa's exceedingly hard member to the base, where it spent some time fondling, and tweaking. Nevertheless, Duo's hand was a damned tease; it slipped and slid, and never quite gave enough pressure to bring Trowa to completion. Oh sure, it was fantastic, in a torturous way.
GreenThumb sat up on his knees, leaning closer, his hand tightening its grip a bit. "I think I should tell you something," he said in a husky voice.
Trowa was worried for moment, fearing it might be a confession of love, or worse a confession of not wanting to ever finish Trowa's "misery", but instead GreenThumb grinned, and whispered, "I need to be fertilized."
"Fertilized?"
"Uh huh," Duo nodded, giving Trowa's erection a pleasant squeeze. "Want to know how?"
The faint sounds of moans and the rustle of roses distracted Trowa; he glanced at the plant wrapped bundle of Heero and the blond man, and then shrugged. "Tell me,"
"Well, it has to be planted." The hand gave another squeeze, followed by a long sliding caress, Trowa moaned. "Mhm," GreenThumb crooned, "planted nice and deep." His voice practically throbbed as he said "deep." Being already naked as a naked person could be, it was no difficult feat to squirm until he was straddling Trowa's lap, tugging the tight pants down, one hand still possessively holding onto Trowa's arousal.
Trowa, not one to misunderstand, took the hint. However, he couldn't resist a bit of playtime, sliding GreenThumb off his lap and onto hands and knees. He glanced down at the view, a lecherous grin plastering itself to his face. Idly he wondered if the taste of that lovely little star would be as good as the taste of the mutant's seed. He gave a tentative lick, surprised when it tasted at once, sweet, and very familiar.
"Maple syrup?" Trowa asked in surprise, and then gave the little hole a long lick.
"Uhnn," GreenThumb seemed to be having trouble forming a coherent response, he wiggled his hips instead. Finally, he managed to pant, "It's sap."
"Sap?" Trowa looked surprised, and just to make sure, delved his tongue inside a bit, and realized it really was sap, sweet, tasty, and with a consistency of honey.
"I'm," GreenThumb paused, a harsh panting sound all he as capable of emitting for a long moment. Trowa's fingers were digging into his hips as the Paddleteam member enthusiastically licked and delved. "I'm like a plant!" it came out shouted, and then GreenThumb merely shivered in delight for a while.
Trowa arrived at several conclusions at once, one - planted took on a whole new meaning, two -fertilization also took on a whole new meaning, and last, three - what on earth was he waiting for? With the final realization, Trowa tugged GreenThumb back up into a kneeling position, turned him around, kissed him soundly, spread his legs, took aim, and slid. "Ohhh," that was almost too good. It was warm and moist with sap, and so impossibly tight it should have been illegal.
GreenThumb howled, and then managed to produce a noise so high in pitch, that Trowa actually couldn't hear it audibly. It was more like a vibration along his nerves, a soundless keening cry of pure pleasure. Duo's legs wrapped around Trowa's ribs, arms circling his head and neck, and he rocked in stilted spurts of hectic sexual energy.
It didn't last long; all too soon, Trowa felt release wash over him, through him, and then out and into GreenThumb. Vaguely he noticed the slightly green tinted semen that had sluiced between them somewhere along the line.
GreenThumb shivered, shook, and then let out a long relaxed moan. "Ohhh, that was mmm," his voice was muffled against Trowa's shoulder. He smiled happily, glad to have at last been planted, the only problem was, he wasn't exactly sure what fertilization would do.
As if to answer his unspoken thoughts, Trowa let out a little yelp. Duo tried to lean back, only to discover that his hair seemed to be trapped beneath him. It took him a moment to realize it was because his hair had just grown an additional three feet in length. Oh, so that's what fertilization did.
"We should probably," Trowa started to say, and stopped as Duo began to squirm, then abruptly lifted up and off Trowa's lap with a sticky squelching sound. "Wha-"
GreenThumb Duo was walking towards the fence, the roses on it swaying slightly as if caught in a breeze, but there was no wind. His eyes were glazed, body swaying.
"Are you alright?"
GreenThumb didn't respond, seemingly entranced by something. Then Trowa heard it, a faint scratchy voice on the other side of the fence, it seemed to be crooning something. Trowa stood, following behind Duo when suddenly his feet were trapped by vines that had sprouted from the ground, quickly the vines slid up his legs, firmly rooting him in place. "Duo?"
The crooning became louder, and Trowa could just make out a disturbingly creepy voice. "Oh my pretties you want to be fed? How they've neglected you. My precious beauties, Seymour is here."
Just then the fence in front of Duo split, the roses cascading over it and from the other side, pushing the planking aside. His face showed nothing as the man came into view. The bizarre man appeared to be wearing a rather sparkly evening gown, and his hair was incredibly lank and greasy. He also had his cock out and appeared to be trying to fertilize the roses with it. "Oh my, what have we here? You're not one of my precious roses."
To Trowa's surprise, Duo didn't move an inch when the man reached out to touch him. He also didn't seem to notice he was still completely naked. However, the rather creepy man did. "But you're just as pretty aren't you, come closer pretty plant."
Duo swayed closer, and Trowa began to realize that whatever had happened, GreenThumb Duo was not currently in control of his reactions. Even the roses were swaying, and Trowa almost swore he could hear them crying to be fed.
As if to confirm that thought, Seymour crooned again, "oh yes, you are a fine little plant, not a rose, no, not a rose, but I can smell your sap, mm so sweet." He grabbed one of Duo's hands, tugging him through the roses and closer. "Oh yes, I can tell you want to be fed by me as well."
Trowa shivered in disgust as the man - Seymour - began caressing Duo's flank with the hand not fondling himself. "Stop it!" he yelled out finally, unable to hold in his revulsion any longer.
However, Duo didn't even flinch, and Seymour barely bothered to flick a glance at the captive PaddleTeam member. "I said stop! What are you doing to him?"
"I have a way with plants," Seymour cackled, and tucking himself back beneath the dress, he took hold of GreenThumb's arm and began tugging him away. "Come on pretty plant, I'll make sure you're *well* fertilized."
Chapter Twenty-Seven by Moon Faery
At the headquarters of the Rose Brigade, events were finally starting to come together in something that vaguely resembled a coherent plot. Heero and Zechs had happily finished screwing each other senseless while wrapped in vines, G.T. Duo had finally managed to be "planted" by Trowa (aquiring several new feet of hair in the process) and was about to be fertilized by a crossdressing sicko with serious hygiene problems, Quatre was finally getting some useful information out of General Kushrenada and various flunkies were creeping around like idiots for no real useful reason, since they were destined to fail anyways. Oh, yeah, and Noin was pacing around the sick bay waiting for Zechs, but it's not nice to laugh at people, so we just won't talk about that now. We'll get to all of that stuff right after dealing with Lady Une and her potato problem.
In the kitchen, Une had crumpled onto the floor in tears, pleading with a potato to tell her where its scientifically altered brother was. Beside her was a pile of shattered glass and twisted wire frames that used to be her glasses before she accidentally stepped on them. Finally her she let out a tiny sigh and cuddled the tuber to her chest.
"I understand," she whispered to it gently. "You don't wish to betray your family. That is a very noble thing, and I honor you for it." Giving the potato one last pat, she reached up and turned off the deep frier, placing the terrified root-vegetable with it's family in a pile on the counter.
Standing, she gave the potatoes a warm, motherly glance before exiting the cafeteria. She vaguely recalled sending Lt. Noin to the infirmary. If Noin had been ill enough to be forcibly sent to sick bay, it was only right that her worried senior officer visit her to check on her condition and inform her of the cessation of Project 6x01-03-02.
It was the nice thing to do, after all.
Across town in the deepest heart of the jungle known as "Boston", a large building sat innocently on a street corner. It was a perfectly normal building; there were flowers lining the walk, a porch and even curtains hanging in the windows. The only thing odd about it was that while the building was surrounded by small businesses and small houses, it was easily huge enough to house several armies.
Well, that and it was placed conveniently across the street from Rick's Adult Toy Shop.
No, the only thing that was truly unusual about the place was its inhabitants... (Who, by the way, are the only things keeping Rick's from bankruptcy.)
The Duos.
The compound was filled with them. It was the easily the largest Duo Habitat in the city, boasting the most talented and beautiful Duos in Boston, as well as the facilities to keep them from blowing up or otherwise destroying significant sections of the city. Most of the time, anyways.
In a lab at the center of the building a Duo wearing a long lab coat and protective goggles was toiling furiously, taking notes on a blue substance as it distilled into a beaker. When the blue liquid finished, he carefully used an eyedropper to collect several drops of it and dripped them onto a small potted fern, which immediately turned brown and died. Scientist Duo (as he was called) flipped his goggles up and ran tired fingers through his messier than usual reddish-brown bangs.
"Doctor, I don't think this will work," he complained to a shadowy figure on the vid screen wearily. "Everything I do kills the cyrtomium falcatum, and we can't risk killing the subject!"
"Don't give up yet, S. Duo," Dr. L responded soothingly. "There's no need to rush. By all accounts, the subject has been contained. There's plenty of time to create a cure."
"If only Teenaged Klutz Duo hadn't given Pretty Duo that plant food and fertilizer compound!" S. Duo sighed. "This would be so much simpler if I only had to counter-act experiment 02-666 Point 03."
The good (if shadowy) Doctor once again tried to pull Scientist Duo out of his self-induced depression. "It's too late to-" Unfortunately, they were interrupted by the door to the lab slamming open.
"The Paddle Team and GreenThumb's been captured by the Rose Brigade!" Hacker Duo yelled as the doors swung shut, nearly in a panic. He was so upset that he didn't even realize he was holding his laptop upside down. His gem-like violet eyes were huge in his unnaturally pale face.
"What?!" Scientist Duo asked sharply, turning from the Dr. L's silhouette on the vid screen and facing Hacker. "The Rose Brigade?"
H. Duo nodded shakily, setting his precious laptop down on a table before his trembling fingers dropped it. "There's more," he told his audience. "I didn't have time to get all the way into their systems, but... They've been working on a project in their hydroponics. I think they're trying to summon the Anti-Duo using a member of the Paddle Team."
He kept talking, explaining the details of his discovery in tech-jargon so complex even S. Duo had a hard time following it beyond a basic translation of, "We're screwed."
Scientist Duo felt for the chair behind him before slumping down into it in shock. "Now they have everything they need, and a Duo for testing it on." His eyes narrowed and he straightened in his chair, looking determined. "Go tell the Head Duo, I'll finish up GreenThumb's cure."
The Duo who had brought the news scooped up his laptop and ran back out of the lab, braid snapping through the air behind him.
"I thought you didn't think you could create the cure?" Dr. L asked curiously, watching from the screen as S. Duo began to move around the lab purposely, gathering his tools.
"I have an idea," Scientist Duo answered calmly, laying a large bar of dark chocolate down among the selection of chemicals on his work table. "We're going to save Pretty one way or another."
[TBC]
Chapter Twenty-Eight by Bad Momma
[Back at Rose Brigade Headquarters]
Trowa remained rooted in place as he watched the disgusting old cross dresser lead an obviously impaired Duo away. He valiantly struggled against the vines as the rose bushes that had opened the gate began to draw it closed. Just when he thought he'd be stuck there forever the vines began to loosen and fall away. He was barely free of the vines when he heard rustling and grunting behind him. Turning toward the noises he saw Zechs and Heero extricating themselves from their viney prison as well; he went to lend them a hand.
Finally free of their horticultural binds the two PaddleTeam members and one Rose Brigade Colonel began to regroup.
"Report!" Heero barked out, readjusting the fall of his tight - and slightly sticky - leather breeches. They'd be a bitch to get clean!
"GreenThumb Duo was somehow mesmerized by some weird old dude in a sparkly dress and taken away. I think he intends to plant him - against his will! Even the rose bushes were responding to his commands," Trowa panted.
Zechs, who'd gone to retrieve his shirt from nearby the fountain where he'd lovingly washed the beautiful mutant's locks earlier, chimed in with his own bit of information. "That weirdo is Dr. Seymour Tuberov. He was one of our foremost scientists until recently. We suspect that he's been using Rose Brigade resources for his own nefarious plans. If you're right about his intentions, we have to rescue GreenThumb, he's in serious danger!" He continued to dress himself.
Heero considered the information at his disposal. He'd seen Duo get firmly planted by Trowa, it had been a lovely scene and had definitely been a factor in him reaching his climax - he would have preferred to be the one doing the planting himself but couldn't begrudge his teammate's luck. The thought of that vile man doing the same thing to their lovely Duo was just unconscionable.
However, the thought of him doing that to their lovely Duo, now that was a nice thought indeed. He could even come up with several interesting positions in which to firmly plant their lovely Duo. Mmmm and then maybe he could get his - their lovely Duo to plant him, too. He'd always wanted to plant someone in that lovely marble tub on the second floor of the PTHQ, marble was a natural substance wasn't it. Mmmm, yes, and then maybe after they'd washed up a bit, they could move to the bedroom with the nice silk sheets; silk was natural, it was originally a plant too, right? Wait! He had to concentrate.
If any of that was to happen, they needed to rescue him first. Then he could think about planting Duo.
Right. They needed to assess their current situation. They were free of the vines, the entire PaddleTeam was here at Rose Brigade headquarters, they had transportation outside, they just needed to know where...
"Where would this Tuberov guy be taking Duo?" He directed his question at the Colonel. "How is it that he can control the plants? How far could he have gotten in such a short amount of time that Duo would lose control of the vines that were holding us in place? Does he have some quarters nearby? Where is his base of operations?" He kept rattling off the questions without giving the others a chance to answer. "I think we should find the rest of the team and let them know what's going on. Trowa do you know where the others are?"
Trowa raised an eyebrow at that question. "They're probably still... engaged with the General. We left Quatre in charge of that little scene, remember?"
Yet again readjusting his pants after having retrieved his brush, Heero stopped to consider that. "Uh, right. Let's go break that little party up. We have work to do! Zechs," he turned to the Brigade Colonel, "do you agree to set aside our differences until this matter is resolved?"
Bowing his head slightly in an aristocratic manner the Colonel responded. "It is one of our loftiest goals, in the Rose Brigade, to see to the unhampered well being of all horticultural beauty, and a rose by the name of Duo, would still smell as sweet. It would be an honor to do so. And I do believe that the General may be able to help us determine the doctor's whereabouts as he assigned one of our junior officers to keep an eye on the man's activities. This way gentlemen." With a flick of the wrist, he motioned them to follow him inside.
Across town in an innocent looking building across the street from Rick's Adult Toy shop the Duos were busily preparing...
Scientist Duo, with the help of Studious Duo and Brilliant Duo, had redoubled his efforts under the tutelage of Doc L. They were very close to finding a cure for Pretty.
After having informed Head Duo of the situation, Hacker had returned to... well, hacking the Rose Brigade's network for details on their organization.
So far he'd provided floor plans of the Brigade's headquarters to Strategist Duo who had worked with Stealth and Thief on a plan to infiltrate their realm and voluminous amounts of research data on the Brigade's horticultural experiments to Librarian and Statistician, because Scientist was still busy working on the cure. Most damning of all, though, was the list of scientists employed by the Brigade.
Among them he'd found the name of the most nefarious horticultural scientist of them all, Seymour Tuberov, now known as Seymour Panties - though why anyone would want to see more of that man was beyond him! - and had reported back to Head Duo. They now had a viable plan to infiltrate the Rose Brigade's headquarters, free their beautiful brother GreenThumb and the PaddleTeam - they'd heard about the hotties that made up the team, hooyah! - and perhaps even turn the evil Tuberov in to the authorities for his crimes against humans and plants alike.
Meanwhile, Teenage Klutz Duo, Sex Kitten Duo and Uber-Goth Duo had been charged with loading the Duo-van and preparing it for the mission at hand. Innocent Duo and Domestic Duo had been relegated to preparing coffee and snacks for the planning session and for the mission. It was all coming together.
They gathered one final time in the conference room across from the lab. They were finalizing the details of their master plan, just waiting for Scientist Duo and his assistants across the hall to announce-
"Eureka! We've got it! We've got it! Come on guys let's go tell the others. Now we can rescue GreenThumb!"
Chapter Twenty-Nine by Jane
Punk Rock Duo lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. Too deeply. He coughed loudly, several times, and then tried to regain his composure, stubbing the cigarette out on his steel toed Doc Marten as if that was the plan in the first place.
Grunge Duo sniggered behind his lank, filthy hair. "Dude," he whispered hoarsely, "I thought you smoked all the time."
Punk Rock Duo shot him a scathing look. "Listen asshole," he sneered, "We're not here to discuss my smoking habits, my elitist, superior manner, my blind anarchist ideals, my terrible garage band filled with suburbanite rich kids who think that by picking up a guitar they automatically become the next Jimi Hendrix, my narcissism, my hedonism, or my authentic Scottish kilt, which I can wear because I am completely comfortable with my manliness, my lifestyle choices, and my sexual preference. Really. We're not. We are, in fact, here to discuss the unfortunate and extremely inconvenient disappearance of Pretty Duo."
"Uh... which one is that?" Grunge Duo asked, in a pot induced stupor.
"You really are retarded," Punk Rock Duo said, his voice filled with wonder. "You know, I used to think that it was all an act or something, you know, to get attention or some shit like that. But I now realize that all of the acid, shrooms, and hash completely obliterated any of the brain cells you may have possessed. It's fascinating, really. I should write an angst filled song about it. Something with three cords and a deeply mediocre base line." He tilted his head to the side, pondering the many bland possibilities, and absentmindedly scratched one of his nipples through his tattered Ramones t-shirt.
"Huh?" Grunge asked, managing to look dumb, dirty, and really, really, hot, all at the same time.
"Look, cunt rag, I'm gonna make this real simple for you. Pretty Duo was the best piece of ass that I was able to get on a regular basis.
Sex Kitten Duo, Hentai Duo, Colossal Penis Duo, Kinky Duo, Vampire Duo, and You Better Believe I Can Go At It All Night and Then Some Duo are always having sex with each other. Brilliant Duo, Genius Duo, Mechanic Duo, Sniveling Lackey Duo, Chemist Duo, Doctor Duo, and Mathematician Duo are always doing something Important and Scientific. French Maid Duo is always cleaning up after the first two groups of Duos. All of the countless other Duos are doing countless other things. And YOU always fall asleep during sex because you smoked too much weed. Pretty Duo, however, makes Pretty Noises when he comes, and is Pretty Fucking Good in the sack."
"Ungghahgh..." Grunge Duo remarked, cleverly.
Punk Rock Duo continued, as if he hadn't heard the interruption. "We must rescue Pretty Duo from wherever he is right now, and bring him back safely to Duo House! We will use this place as our top secret headquarters."
"But dude," Grunge Duo protested, "This is the boiler room!"
"No time for arguments! My sex life is on the line! Just pretend that your drug stash is gonna be sold to Nicaraguans if we don't rescue Pretty by this time tomorrow!"
"Those bastards will never get my bud!" Grunge Duo spat out, cracking his neck and suddenly leaping to his feet. "Where are the dirty motherfuckers?! Take me to Pretty Duo before I kill the lot of em!"
Chapter Thirty by WingNut [send feedback to ]
"What are those two bakas doing?" Thief Duo said, sounding rather aggrieved. Scientist Duo paused and looked around the end of the Duo-van's open rear doors.
Grunge and Punk Rock Duo were 'surreptitiously' climbing the fence. This consisted of Punk Rock pushing the directionally-challenged Grunge against the fence and heaving him semi-vertically until the filthy drug-hound could hook a knee over the top and topple himself over with a loud cry of "Fuuuuuuuuuck!!" as gravity reasserted itself.
"They're sneaking off again," Scientist said matter-of-factly.
Stealth Duo winced. "That's not sneaking! That's just making the rest of us look bad." He looked slightly happier when Punk Rock Duo tried to vault over the 4-foot fence, caught his foot, and landed directly on top of Grunge.
"Do you really want them with us?" Sensible Duo asked pointedly. Stealth and Thief exchanged horrified looks. "I didn't think so. Just leave them alone. We'll swing by the police station when we get back from the Rose Brigade's HQ and bail them out of whatever trouble they get into."
Strategist Duo continued, "Our important goal is the rescue of GreenThumb, and the thorough examination of exactly what the Rose Brigade is up to. If Hacker Duo is right, it may be up to us to stop the Anti-Duo."
The horde of assorted Duos all nodded, and climbed into the van. The rear doors closed and the vehicle took off.
Punk Rock Duo crawled off Grunge Duo and assisted his dizzy companion to his feet. "Now, we just have to find Pretty, and rescue him."
"Uh-huh. Where's he at?" Grunge looked around blearily.
Punk Rock Duo blinked. He hadn't actually thought that far ahead. Damnit!!! He stared around, hoping for inspiration.
As if by divine intervention, a convenient cloud that had drifted in front of the sun parted, sending streams of light down onto the familiar store across the street - Rick's Adult Toy Shop.
"Of course," Punk Rock Duo breathed, stunned by his own brilliance. "That's it!! 'Everybody comes to Rick's' - that's what it said in that movie Sensitive was watching the other day!! Everybody!! And that includes all of us Duos! All we have to do is go into Rick's, and wait for Pretty to show up, and then we rescue him!!! Whooooo!!" He leapt up and punched the air. "I really am a fucking genius!!"
"YEAH!!" said Grunge Duo, also making a punching motion. Then, his face falling into a more familiar expression of incomprehension, "What?"
Noin hurried back to the sick bay, hoping she hadn't missed Zechs. Well, of course she *missed* him, she missed him every single second he wasn't there by her side, or inside her, for that matter. But she hoped that he hadn't dropped by sick bay and been unable to find her. That would suck.
There was an irritating rustle accompanying her journey down the hall, and she looked around a little petulantly without locating the source. She was feeling damned horny, and in no mood to have to deal with minor annoyances.
She pushed open the swinging door to the med station and noted with exasperation that the rustle changed tone as she stepped onto the linoleum. Looking down, she finally realized that she was towing a sizeable piece of toilet paper from the heel of her left boot.
Standing in the doorway, she bent over, lifted her foot, and jerked the pesky paper off. Then she froze in that awkward position when she heard a distinct moan of pleasure close by. Zechs? Was he here already? Had he started without her? That would suck.
Carefully, she peeked around the opened door, her jaw dropping open as she took in the scene unfolding in the medbay.
Johnson and Peters were once again engaged in an active dereliction of duty, naked bodies writhing and twining on one of the narrow beds. The part of her mind that wasn't gibbering in shock noted that they did, indeed, suck.
Noin blinked, hardly able to believe what she was seeing. They were... they were... They were actually...
Of course, Peters would look better if he were taller and had broader shoulders, and Johnson's eyes weren't nearly bright enough, nor his hair long enough, but if she squinted and used her imagination...
They were actually kinda hot together.
The Duo-van was almost to the headquarters of the Rose Brigade when three Duos cried out in pain simultaneously.
"Sorry!" said a nervous, apologetic voice. "I didn't mean to-"
"OUCH!! YOU'RE ON MY HAIR!!"
"Sorry!!"
Stealth groaned, not even needing to look around to know what was happening. "Teenage Klutz, *what* are you doing here? You were supposed to stay back at Duo House!"
"Well, I kinda got distracted when I was supposed to be loading the van with Sex Kitten, and..."
A breathless giggle and an evil chuckle filled in the details.
Strategist Duo slapped his forehead. "Hentai found Sex Kitten and tumbled him into the van, and you -let me guess! - tripped and fell on top of them."
"Yeah!! How did you know?" said Teenage Klutz, sounding amazed.
"Just a shot in the dark."
"Been there, doing that!" laughed Sex Kitten happily.
"Well, we don't have time to turn around and take you back. You'll have to just stay in the van," Strategist decided.
"Oh boy!!"
The PaddleTeam was reunited in the Rose Brigade's large main room. There was much readjusting of clothing, and rather more friendly pats on shoulders, arms, and firm young asses than was strictly necessary to reassure all team members that the others were safe and well.
Everyone else is safe and well - well-satisfied, that is! - except me, thought Quatre rather sadly. He slid his still-unused wooden toy back into the handle of his camel quirt and fastened it securely. Perhaps someday he'd get to use it...
But in the meantime there was an important mission to perform.
Zechs had filled Treize in on Greenthumb's capture by Seymour Tuberov. The General was furious, although he hid it well. "We would be delighted to help hunt that vermin down, if you would have us?" he said graciously to Quatre.
Quatre couldn't help running an appreciative eye over the two tall, handsome men from the Rose Brigade. He would love to have them, any old time!! He was starting to fantasize about how, exactly, he would prefer to have them, when Trowa gave him a surreptitious snap on the rear with his whip, distracting him from his delicious thoughts long enough to accept the offer in a relatively normal tone of voice.
"Private Peters was assigned to keep an eye on Tuberov," Zechs said in his low husky voice, giving Quatre a few pleasant shivers. "Perhaps he might be able to suggest a few likely places for that scum to have taken our - ahem, that is GreenThumb Duo."
Treize nodded. "Ah yes. Fetch him, please, Zechs, and we'll question him."
Zechs nodded, and Heero glared. "I'll go with you," he said almost challengingly.
Quatre sighed. Heero had trust issues. Perhaps it would be best if he accompanied Zechs and Heero, just to keep the peace. And if he had to follow along behind two extremely attractive men, watching their taut backsides flexing and swaying as they walked, well, that was just part of the job.
Really.
Mueller peered out from his hiding place in the mess hall as Lady Une drifted dreamily down the hallway. As soon as she was out of sight, he darted into the kitchen in search of his partner in potato-napping crime.
"Alex? Alex!" he hissed, a little unnerved at the total lack of Alexes in the kitchen.
Well, his friend hadn't come out into the hall, and the only other exit from the kitchens was the loading dock, so...
Mueller carefully tucked the genetically altered potato - THE potato that would make him and Alex into virtual kings of the world - into the front pocket of his trousers and headed for the large door at the other end of the kitchen.
Alex crept through the total darkness at the bottom of the spiral stairs, feeling his way slowly. The air was cool, humid, and smelled of plants. The corridor he was in didn't seem to have any branches, and curved slightly here and there (or perhaps he wasn't walking quite straight in the pitch blackness.) He thought briefly of turning around, but he had no desire to face Colonel Une, and this damned tunnel had to go *somewhere*!
He persevered, and was rewarded eventually by a shaft of light piercing the stygian gloom from a hole in the right-hand wall. He approached cautiously, for he could hear a voice murmuring on the other side of the wall.
"What do you think, my pretty little plant?"
Alex carefully peeked through the hole, and froze in shock at the hideous sight.
[TBC]
(:./wingnut/paddle4)
