17 December 2000

Type : songfic, shounen ai
Spoilers : none
Warnings : semi-torture (of the mental kind)
Pairings : 1+2
Rating : PG-13
Disclaimer : I don't own anything. I am poor... want a nickel?
Feedback : Gods yes! Please please please please please!!!!!

What If by Willow

[I can't find the rhyme in all my reason
I've lost sense of time and all seasons
I feel I've been beaten down
By the words of men who have no grounds]

Duo stood in dazed confusion as Heero packed his bags, all the while ranting.

"No more, Duo, no more," Heero said, closing the lid and turning to look at the violet eyed boy. "You have no right to any of it."

"I--"

"You! That's all you think about! You! You! You!"

Heero, I--"

"Shut up! Get out of my way!" Heero yelled, jerking the suitcase off the bed and plowing Duo out of the way as he walked out the door.

"But, Heero, I didn't--"

"Leave me alone, Duo, just leave me alone," was all he said as he slammed to door.

Duo let out a pittious wail as he slumped to the floor and cried himself into exhaustion.

[I can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom
When your ax has cut the roots that feed them
Forked tongues in bitter mouths
Can drive a man to bleed from inside out]

- 1 year later -

Heero trudged up the stairs to his small apartment. He'd had a hard day at work and wanted to curl up in bed and sleep.

He wrestled with the locks until they finally opened. Sighing he racked his keys and tossed his coat in the direction of the couch, not caring if it reached it's destination or not. He plodded into the bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light, and fell onto the bed fully clothed.

He turned onto his back looking up at the ceiling. The room was faintly awash in a violet neon glow, from the bar next door, that gave a surrealistic feel to the entire scene. He blinked sleepily at the watermarks and cracks dotting the ceiling. Closing his eyes he willed himself to sleep.

Sleep eluded him. He strove for the black abyss of Nod, but it was loath to come nigh. He lay there for the better part of the night staring at the pockmarked walls and lime encrusted window panes. When, finally, sleep did come, it was filled with restless dreams of a certain violet eyed boy and an endless fall of chestnut hair.

*dream*

Heero stood on a black pool of water that stretched endlessly in any direction. Only the moon offered any illumination.

"Where am I?" he asked the void.

As if in response, something appeared at the edge of his vision. He turned toward it and stopped. On a cross that gleamed like hematite in the moonlight, hung Duo, trussed up as if in crucifixion.

"Duo..." he breathed, trying to take a step closer, but found that he was frozen in place and could only watch as a beady-eyed serpent, the color of a starless night, slithered up the cross, coiling around the sickly thin boy.

It bobbed its triangular head and darted out its forked serpent tongue to taste the fragile looking boy's face as it coiled its body tighter around Duo, squeezing tight enough to crack the boy's ribs.

Heero flinched as he heard the sickening crack of bone and the sputtering cough from Duo's cracked and bleeding lips. Heero watched in horror as thick black blood began to ooze from Duo's slack mouth. Duo looked at him with flat dead eyes that held so much pain that Heero whimpered, then the violet eyes slid shut and the body went limp.

"Duo!!!!!"

*end dream*

[What if you did?
What if you lied?]

"Duo!!!!" Heero awoke screaming. He was covered in sweat and the sheets were clinging to his damp body. Sometime during the night, before he finally fell asleep, he'd gotten out of his clothing and into a pair of silk boxers.

"A dream..." he whispered, not quite sure whether it was or not. What if it wasn't? What if it was a premonition? Of death. Duo's death.

What if it wasn't? What if it was just a dream? Nothing more than a stupid dream caused by his exhaustion.

But still, it if wasn't a dream, could he afford to ignore it? If it wasn't a dream and he ignored it, Duo would die. If not, then he'd lose nothing. Right?

[What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?]

"But I can't, can't go back to him... all he cares about is himself..." Heero said coldly. "It what he deserves."

'Really?' a voice deep inside him said. 'Does he really deserve to die for what he cannot help but be?'

"He could help it, if he'd cared he could help it!" Heero said stubbornly.

'Fine. Have it your way. Just don't beat yourself up over it if you're wrong,' the voice said, then disappeared.

If he was wrong... could he afford to be wrong? Could he let Duo die? Call it an eye for an eye. His death for his lies?

[I've seen the wicked fruit of your vine
Destroy the man who lacks a strong mind
Human pride sings a vengeful song
Inspired by the times you've been walked on]

No, no matter what Duo'd done he didn't deserve to die. Definately not the way he had in Heero's dream. And if Heero didn't head the warning of his dream then Duo might die and Heero would beat his brains out with guilt over his actions -- or lack there of.

But how? How could he go back?

'That's pride talking, go to him... he needs you... more than you know...' another voice said, this one was a pleasent aqua voice that was laced with concern.'Please Heero, listen to your heart and go to him.'

"How can I?" he asked the voice, "If I do, I admit that I was wrong..."

'No, you just admit that you didn't listen... go to him...' the voice paused, waiting for an answer or action, when it received neither it flared anger, 'If you don't, I know this, he'll definately die and you'll never see him again... not even the funeral will you be allowed to!' Then, like the other voice, it was gone.

[My stage is shared by many millions
Who lift their hands up high because they feel this
We are one We are strong
The more you hold us down the more we press on]

"Fine," he said to the air around him. "Fine, I'll go to him."

'Be kind,' yet another voice said, 'if you are not, he'll shatter like spun glass.'

"What the fuck!" Heero said, "I must be going crazy! I've got multiple voices in my head!"

'You were already crazy, Yuy,' it said, sighing, then it too was gone from his mind.

"I'm sorry, you can only get in by invitation..." said the secretary.

"Look, I need to speak with Quatre, if you don't let me in, I'll let myself in. I suggest the former, as the latter will give your janitors quite a bit of work," Heero said fuming.

"I'm sorry--"

"It's ok, Janell, Heero's a friend," Quatre said, coming out of his office. "I would not suggest pushing him further, he might make good on that threat. Though a new door would be nice."

"Where's he, Quatre? Where's Duo?" Heero's eyes pleaded and his voice was rough with irritation.

"Heero, let's talk in my office," Quatre said, turing to go.

Heero grabbed him by his shirt. "Look, Quatre, if you don't tell me now I'll snap your neck." He breathed, inches away from the blond's face.

"What!?!?!" Heero yelled.

Quatre sighed, "Janell, please call my car around. Heero, I'll take you there, the doctors can explain far better than I could."

[What if you did?
What if you lied?]

"... Summarily, Mr. Maxwell has but a short time to live. I'm sorry."

"Is there anything you can do to help him? Cure him?" Quatre asked, eyes pleading.

"No, not to our current knowledge."

'Lies.'

Heero sat in the hard chair taking in every word.

"We can preform more tests, maybe we'll come up with something, but as is it, there is nothing we can do..."

'Lies. All of it.'

"Can I see him?" Heero asked, speaking for the first time since leaving Quatre's office.

"Uh, he's in critical con--"

"I said can I see him!" Heero spat, getting fed up with people preventing him from what he had to do. And that was see Duo.

"Doctor, we won't disturb him, we just want to see him," Quatre said, always the peace keeper.

The doctor sighed, "He's in room 159 on the 3rd floor."

"Thank you," Quatre said, dragging Heero out of the office.

"Duo..." Heero breathed as he looked at the sleeping boy on the hospital bed. Slowly, he made his way over to the chair beside the pillow and heart monitor.

Quatre stood in the doorway momentarily then turned and left.

"Duo?" Heero asked quietly. Slowly, violet eyes fluttered open, then shut again only to reopen.

"H-heero?" Duo asked quietly, the guggling sound from his chest almost covering up the word.

"Yes, I'm here..." Heero said.

"I'm sorry."

Heero blinked, what could Duo be sorry about? Then he got his answer.

"I tried to tell you... I'm sorry," it was almost too quiet to hear.

"Tried to tell me what?"

"This..." Duo said, indicating himself with the single word. "I tried, but... but..."

Heero waited for Duo to finish. He knew he'd have to be patient cause this was costing the boy alot of energy.

"... you didn't listen..." he finished.

"I'm sorry, I just..." Heero couldn't express his guilt and grief in words, so he lifted the waxen hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on it, treating it like expensive silk (which to him it was).

"That is what I was trying to tell you the day you left..." Duo whispered.

[What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?]

"I'm so sorry, I've caused you so much pain and unnecessary suffering..." Heero said, "All cause I was too prideful and woul...dn't listen to you..."

" 'Sa'ight, I dun mind..." Duo slurred. Heero hadn't noticed the nurse that came in and added a sedative to the IV hanging above the bed. "Y'r here now... 's all tha' matters..." he said, eyes fluttering shut over sunken eyes in a drawn face.

"Get better, Duo... cause if you die, I'm following. An eye for an eye would only be just..."

[I know I can't hold the hate inside my mind
'Cause what consumes your thoughts controls your life]

"You sound like Wufei," Trowa said quietly from the door.

Heero laughed slightly, "Yeah, well..."

"Heero, why did you leave him? Truly?"

"Why? I thought he was being selfish, a user. That's why. I've had enough of those in my life and didn't need another," he said as he and Trowa walked down the hall.

"But?"

"But I found out I was wrong... in the most dire way," Heero sighed. "And I hate myself for not listening to him when it was something important."

"Don't hate yourself, Heero," Trowa said, Heero raised an eye brow, "Ok, hate yourself, but don't take it out on him... make it up to him."

[So I'll just ask a question
What if?
What if your words could be judged like a crime?]

"I just can't help but think 'What if I had listened, what if I had never left? Would he be fine now? Would he still be dying?' " Heero murmured.

"I think he would be getting better... Heero, when you left he starved himself, he ate nothing for weeks. He was trying to kill himself by inches... that's why his condition is so critical now... cause his self-neglect acted as a catalyst and sped up the degenerative process."

Heero stood there staring at Trowa, he wished his words from a year ago could be shoved back down his throat so he could choke on them and die.

He choked on a sob, "Is... is he going to get better?" He sounded like a lost child.

"I don't know, Heero. But having you here should make him stive for life. Maybe it'll be enough, maybe not, but he now has something *to* strive for," Trowa said, looking at his friend.

"I sure hope so, Trowa, I sure hope so."

END

(:./willow/whatif)