I've been contemplating this story for a month or so now, while gathering intelligence (because I need all I can get) by watching the original series, and reading various character and story analyses by people far more gifted than I in such areas. At various points while reading other folks' stories, I'd compare their concepts to what I was actually seeing on the screen and sometimes the stories fell short... and sometimes the original falls short. Let's face it, folks, there's a lot in GW that's purposefully ambiguous. Relena might be the shojo queen of unrequited looooove... or just the psychotic stalking queen. Duo, Heero, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei... I couldn't help it. I kept thinking, what would the characters say?
And that got me thinking about the fact, especially after listening to Margaret Cho's commentary (in the style of her sainted mother) and started wondering what our five pilots would say on a commentary track. That, then, is the basis behind what you're reading now. It'll probably continue, in random jabs and starts, as I write the real story. I was going to keep this merely as the introduction, but the problem is that it's not really a decent warning. If you read this and think I'm going to drop the humor bucket on you, you're wrong, but it'd be my fault for misleading you with a humorous opening. Like most of my other stuff so far, the story is likely to end up being darker than I planned, with a bit o' violence, some cussing, some angst. (Maybe not too much angst. I'm not as good at it. I tend to skip past it and let you just fill in the blanks. If that bothers anyone, let me know. I'm here to practice my own skills, after all, so critiques are always welcomed with open arms.)
Anyway, as you might guess, if you were grinning at the end of this introduction (which I hope you will be), you might be less than enthused to find the opening chapter of the actual story being a bit of a downer. At least, the draft so far is. Who knows, Heero might do the can-can across Relena's desk with a can-opener in one hand while wearing bowling shoes, but I doubt it.
But first, a few words you won't be seeing: gomen, koibito, ohayo, aishiteru or whatever that stupid word is, hai, ano, ne, no da... I mean, really. I don't speak Japanese. I don't need to speak it to read a story. I personally think Clavell should be shot for creating an entire writing genre where you take three foreign words out of context and build an entire story around them. (I'm not making that up. Read Taipan or Shogun and you'll see what I mean.)
So, to conclude... if I'm gonna do justice (so to speak) to the genre and not upset any of the billions of audience members who so obviously love this particular school of fanfics, I will now start out by laying down a few ground rules.
Duo: Do you always talk this much?
Zefyr: I'm just warming up. You're first.
Duo: *eep* What? What did I do?
Zefyr: This is fair warning. In the story I'm planning, you're not going to get beat up. Well, not badly.
Duo: I'm not? But every author always beats me up. I'm like Torture Guy for the entire GW fanbase.
Zefyr: It's the cute ass. But even if you get beat up, you're not going to cry.
Duo: Really?
Zefyr: Did you ever cry during the series or the movie or in any of the manga?
Duo: I did in the Episode Zero series, but don't hold it against me.
Heero: There are better things to hold against you.
Wufei: Get a room.
Duo: Then you're just going to torture me with a lot of angst, right? That's what everyone does. I'm going to spend the whole story bemoaning my huge crush on Heero.
Zefyr: Nope.
Duo: Am I going to parade around in my skivvies hoping someone will notice?
Zefyr: Nope.
Duo: Am I going to sing at the top of my lungs in really irritating off-tune twentieth-century melodies?
Zefyr: Nope. Well, not while the story's rolling. Maybe between scenes, on your own time.
Duo: Am I going to be a stripper or a prostitute? Or even a former prostitute?
Zefyr: What, you want to be?
Duo: Not really. I just can't figure out where people get the idea I'd sink that low.
Zefyr: I think they have problems with the idea of you being a thief, or just like giving you a complex about sex for the purposes of angst. Anything else?
Duo: Am I going to have to unbraid my hair for sexual appeal, cut it off, shave my head, or dye my hair unnatural colors?
Zefyr: Unlikely.
Duo: *whew* Am I going to have endless paragraphs where I agonize about my past and how dirty it is and how I'm therefore not as good as everyone else?
Zefyr: Probably not. Nor will you be called 'braided baka' every other line.
Quatre: Zef, you've got to stop this insanity. You're not leaving anything for Duo to do.
Zefyr: Just wait your turn, space boy.
Quatre: *eep*
Zefyr: Heero, there will be no angst-ridden crying as you consider your unrequited love and/or lust for Duo. Nor will there be random statements of 'mission accepted,' and no unexpected statements of 'I'm going to kill you' in bad fangirl Japanese.
Heero: Hn.
Quatre: *suspicious* You're going to ignore every fanfic convention, aren't you.
Zefyr: Oh, and Heero, there will be no braid-pulling, either.
Heero: *whew*
Duo: *whew*
Zefyr: Trowa, you won't be the seme. Not with your history.
Trowa: *whew*
Zefyr: Nor will you ever call Quatre 'little one.'
Quatre: *whew*
Zefyr: Wufei, I don't want to see you saying 'injustice!' every fifth word just as a punchline. Nor will you be declaiming every woman as 'onna.'
Wufei: I won't?
Zefyr: Am I the only person who thought it was bizarre that a Chinese character would use a Japanese word for 'woman' in an English story?
Wufei: I've been meaning to wipe out evils like that.
Zefyr: Oh, and no nosebleeds for you.
Wufei: What a relief. Why does everyone else get a sex drive and I have to always be embarrassed?
Zefyr: That's right. In my story, you won't be playing the straight man.
Wufei: Cool. Wait... what???
Zefyr: Quatre, you won't be paralyzed by always sensing every bad emotion in a fifteen-mile radius.
Quatre: I won't? What about this namby-pamby space heart business?
Zefyr: You wiped out an entire colony and didn't flinch.
Quatre: Blame Canada.
Zefyr: Also, you won't be a mother hen to the rest of the crew.
Quatre: Oh, good. That gets annoying after awhile. About time someone noticed I let Trowa make his own decisions.
Trowa: Well...
Quatre: Okay, okay. Mostly because Cathy can't take no for an answer. That woman is scary.
Heero: Yeah.
Wufei: Something's wrong. Duo hasn't said anything in sixteen or seventeen lines.
Zefyr: What, you people haven't noticed that Duo does think, sometimes?
Duo: Sometimes?
Heero: You can tell by the steam coming out of the ears.
Duo: Hey!
Quatre: Heero cracked a joke?
Trowa: F34r the l33t.
Heero: Blame the author.
Wufei: Speaking of which, write me intelligently or I'm going back to Kiyasama. At least she writes me nicely.
Quatre: And Dyna Dee. They both seem to remember there's more to GW than Heero and Duo.
Duo: I'm kinda partial to Sunhawk. I kick major ass in those stories.
Heero: I like Dyna Dee. And Caroline.
Quatre: She's good. So's Lone Wolf.
Duo: Heero likes Dyna Dee cause she always makes him the seme.
Wufei: Jealous much? All limes are good; lemons are better.
Quatre: Except ones without lube.
Trowa: *nods*
Duo: Yeah, those are bad.
Heero: Hn.
Wufei: Hey, where'd the author go?
Trowa: Writing already, I think.
Duo: Where's Heero's laptop?
Heero: Grrr...
(with many thanks to Kiya Sama, who pointed out a few clichés I forgot... heh.)
End Part 1
(:./sol/behind1)
