24 Aug 2000
Category: Angsty romance
Pairings: (1x2)+R. Features a walk-on by 3x4.
Disclaimers: I don't own these delightful people (Sunrise and the
Sotsu Agency do, and Bandai has a license to pass them around), nor
do I intend to infringe upon the rights of their owners.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Oceans of angst. Shounen-ai. Plot twists!
Feedback: Always welcome!
<> denotes thoughts.
Somewhere, outside the warm cotton-wool she was wrapped in, there was music. A violin. In spite of herself, she followed the thread of its sliding notes up out of the blurred darkness and into even blurrier light: the red glow of daylight through her eyelids. She wondered idly if she were dead, whether souls ever closed their eyes, or noticed their eyelids. And then she followed the music all the way up to consciousness, opening her eyes. It hurt--the room was dim, its curtains mostly closed, but even filtered light slammed against her light-deprived eyes like high noon. She blinked, taking in the white walls, the indistinct shapes of chairs, the foot of a hospital bed, the musician at the window. A name surfaced. Quatre. She managed to make her throat produce sound.
"Quatre?"
The music stopped abruptly, and he almost dropped the bow in his hurry to cross the room. "You're awake? You're awake! They didn't know how soon-- I've got to tell--"
Her lips curved in an unsteady smile, and as he paused, she murmured, "I thought I might be dead, when I heard the music. Angels."
He laughed. "I hope they play rather better than I do. It's just-- the doctors thought it might help if we stayed with you. Wufei read poetry, Trowa told stories--we all tried something," he finished lamely, recollecting himself. "How do you feel? I should get the doctors, and--there are a lot of people out there who'll kill me if I don't tell them you're awake. It's been a while."
"H-how long have I been here?"
"About four months, all together. Since, well, I'll let the doctors tell you all the grim details. Just rest some more, and I'll be right back."
She closed her eyes again, drowsing in the pale light until footsteps and voices brought her back to the room. Doctors, of course. And how had Quatre found her mother? Mrs. Darlian leaned to kiss her adopted daughter, fighting back tears as she had to avoid the network of wires and tubes that had provided evidence of life, and sustained it, for so long. Relena submitted to a careful examination, more questions, and her mother's farewell embrace before the nurse shooed everyone away.
The next few days brought the reassuring news that her mind seemed to be almost as it had been--the head injury had done major damage, but the swelling had subsided to leave her memory and other functions pretty much intact. [1] She was still unable to remember the incident; but that was to be expected, her neuropsychologist assured her anxious group of friends and family. "The mind is resilient, but it knows when to stop processing. Right now it takes more than she's got to stare down her own destruction; the mind shuts the door on what it can't afford to face. It'll come when she's ready."
A few days later, after a morning of watching Relena battle through rehabilitation, Nina sagged into a chair exhausted by the exhilaration and occasional frustration of the last few days. Quatre echoed her sigh, looking up with tired affection as Trowa ruffled his hair. "It's about time they got to see her, don't you think?"
Trowa frowned. "Did the doctor say it was a good idea?"
"Well, he did say any stimulus was a good thing at this stage. And we can always watch, and head off a scene if it looks like trouble."
Nina glared menacingly from her uncomfortable chair. "We can't risk undoing all the progress she's made in just the last few days. Besides, do we even know why they're here? If they're thinking of staying out of pity, they can start packing their bags. I'll even help."
"They loved her, Nina. As much as we do." Quatre spoke quietly, but his voice resonated with his memories.
"And then they waltzed away into their own paradise. How sweet. Let them stay there."
The elevator chimed, cutting her diatribe short. "Speak of the devil...."
Duo ignored her, eyes intent on Quatre.
He was on thin ice, but Quatre decided to take a chance. He went for a casual tone, though he knew it was a momentous offer. "She's awake, and having a good day. Want to look in and say hello?" He knew it had been the right thing to do when he saw fierce joy leap in the violet eyes, finding its echo when Duo looked at Heero as if to ask for support.
Quatre swung the door open, stepping back to let the aide exit with Relena's lunch tray. Returning her welcoming smile, he came forward. "Sitting up already? I brought more company." She looked up expectantly, smoothing her coverlet.
In the hallway, Duo took a deep breath and followed Quatre onto what had been strictly forbidden ground, with Heero close behind. It took everything he had to meet her smile; and when he did, he went pale with shock. Her eyes were as wide and lovely as he remembered--blue like rain on gentians, bright and deep as the sea under stars--and utterly devoid of recognition.
When they hesitated at the door, she shot Quatre a questioning glance.
He tried to look reassuring, even though he felt as though the bottom had just dropped out of his stomach.
Tears burned behind Duo's eyes, his throat closing. She didn't remember him--didn't remember them. He dimly heard Heero's indrawn gasp, but all he could take in were those smiling eyes. He had dreaded her accusations, her anger, her pain, but this was worse. So very much worse. The doctor's words rang in his ears: //"The mind shuts the door on what it can't afford to face...it takes more than she's got to stare down her own destruction...."// Destruction--that was him, all right.
Relena's smile didn't last long. She struggled up, moving without thinking to ease the anguish in the stranger's bottomless eyes. The taller one had turned swiftly away, gripping the window ledge as if his hands were holding the building together. Relena had one foot on the floor when Quatre reached her, gently urging her back. "But--I'm sorry. I remember almost everything, but they said there'd be gaps. Please don't--I'm so sorry. Please, be all right."
Her imploring words rocketed him back in time to rain-wet woods, so long ago. <Oh, Lena, you don't know what you're asking.> One more time, he realized how badly he wanted the last few months to be a horrible dream. Pulling himself together--though he was pretty sure most of the pieces were gone, and doubted he would ever get them back--Duo held out a reassuring hand. "We're okay. We are. Just surprised. And tired, I guess. We are...we were friends of yours."
"In the war? I remember most of that, but--" she caught herself, sensing shaky ground. "Please. Sit down. Tell me again who you are. Sometimes that helps."
Quatre couldn't stand it, and found an excuse to escape. As he leaned against the closed door of her room, the others gathered around him with inquiring faces. "It turns out Relena's blocking out more than just the shooting."
"You mean--?" Nina looked thoughtful as she considered the implications.
"I'd say they're getting off easy," Wufei commented somewhat icily.
In the room, Duo sat down very slowly in the chair next to the bed. Telling her their names hadn't helped, but he hadn't really expected it to. So he started telling stories, about several months of boarding-school classes, and the times Heero had rescued her, trying to give her back the best of the memories. Heero's hand on his shoulder was a steadying reassurance. When the head nurse peeked in, eyeing her watch meaningfully, Relena sighed with tired happiness and reached for their hands. "I get to find you all over again," she said, glowing. "You will come back, won't you?"
Something broke in the dark eyes, but he tried to smile. "We will. I will. I promise."
Duo made it a little way down the hallway before he broke down, slumping against the tiled wall. "My fault. All my fault."
Heero dropped next to him, leaning his head against the familiar back. "Mine, too." He found it mildly interesting that a pain that had shape only in the mind could make it so hard to breathe.
"Ours, then. God, Heero, what have we done?"
"You two don't get to be the martyrs here." Nina stood a few steps away, but her face was more tired than angry. "Listen to me. For once, listen. I don't know why you deserve this, but the two of you have gotten the biggest break in history. The slate's clean. She doesn't expect anything from you--as far as she's concerned, there's no history for her to build expectations on. So now you get to choose. You have to decide what you want, and you have to decide now. You can walk away, back to wherever you've been, or you can stay and try to build something new with her. But don't stay out of pity, or guilt, or obligation--stay for love, or not at all. Just know that if you hurt her again, either one of you--I'm not sure how, but I will kill you."
Still huddled against the wall, Duo didn't move--but Heero met her eyes with something like measured acceptance. She released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Whichever way they chose, at least all of them would be moving forward from here.
They were gone for four days, thinking it over--and not together, as it turned out. Duo spent most of that time in a church (a development that surprised Nina, but no one else), and nobody knew exactly where Heero went. When they came back, it was to talk over the part of the choosing that concerned their relationship with each other.
They left the compound without much discussion, walking with apparent aimlessness until it felt like time to start talking. Reaching a nearby park, they settled onto a bench: it was time. Duo began, though hesitantly. "I don't know how you feel about this, so everything I'm about to say is provisional, okay?"
"Aa."
"Okay. I've been worried a lot about what Nina said--about staying out of guilt. I've seen enough of what that does to people that I don't want to do that to myself--or her, or you. I think Nina was right--it would be worse. And I do feel guilty. So."
"So."
"But then I remembered that I love her." He didn't really feel the full truth of that until he said it out loud, but then a sort of relief washed over him. "And that for a little while, I think she loved me back. I think I want to see if I can get that to happen again. But I don't want to lose you, either."
"You won't lose me. You didn't, before."
Duo looked down. He hadn't allowed himself to realize how terrifying this conversation was. Now, he hardly dared to realize how well it was going. "So. How do you feel? About staying or going."
Beside him, Heero looked out over the park. "I didn't know that it was love, the way I felt about her. How I feel. It wasn't sweet, or pretty, the way it is in songs. It was...necessary. Like being hungry, and finding out there's such a thing as food. So I didn't know. But I figured out how I felt about you--it was like falling, and flying, all at once. Wanting to be part of you, but wanting to be separate so I could still look at you. And then I could tell that even though it was different--loving you and loving her--it was the same. I'm not describing this very well."
Duo smiled. "You're doing better than most people."
"I thought I had to choose. And now I think maybe I was wrong. What I don't know is--can we stay? Together? Is it too much, asking to have everything at once?"
"I think we can try."
End of Part 9.
(1) For a more realistic look (and a darn good fanfic!) about comas and what it's like as people come out of them, go read Ricci's "Set Me Free" at GW Addiction. Bring a hanky. Better yet, bring six.
(:./lilias/complicated9)
