11-Jun-2005
Title: Everything's Not Lost
Author: Ebonydove
Archived: GWAddiction
Warnings: dark, detached, vague, sappy, language, slight OOC
Spoilers: none
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: Inspired by the song with the same name.
Disclaimer: I asked Santa for permission to own them, but he must not have gotten my letter.
I plucked a pouch of gourmet coffee from the stash in the pantry and set about making it for my morning commute. There's just nothing more twisted than craving hot coffee when it was 90 degrees out and 85% humidity, but I had grown to really love the unexpected weather patterns on this part of the earth and knew that a cranky, hot, sticky Duo showing up in the non-air-conditioned office at headquarters as a result of me not getting my daily fix; would not be a pretty thing to witness.
Wufei came into the kitchen, looking not quite awake and set about making himself tea. I grinned, thinking I wasn't the only one who had odd, ritualistic habits in the mornings. In fact, we all did really. It you paid attention enough to notice these things. Although I had been distracted with work lately, I couldn't help but pick up on the things that seemed to make my housemates comfortable. I'd been sharing a flat with Wufei and Heero for about a month now and was still testing boundaries, but so far hadn't stepped on toes too often for it to become a problem. We had our occasion disagreements. Usually they involved me and what I was, or was not doing, but it seemed as if things were finally settling down for us. The only time lines blurred since my co-habitation with the two of them was when Heero would make his way to my room in the middle of the night and insert himself squarely in the center of my bed and pull me against him before falling fast asleep. He wouldn't utter a single word and I didn't really want to question it.
It wasn't uncommon during the wars to find oneself in the position to have to share a single cot and I wasn't the type of person to insist that anyone sleep on a hard floor when I could be the bigger person and share. It was something borne from necessity and I don't think any of us had given it much thought back then.
I waited for the coffee to finish and found my thoughts turning to darker times. My mind flashed to one particular night where I had both my ass royalty thrashed by Oz, and wound up crawling back to our safehouse with my bruised, bleeding, and barely live tail tucked between my legs. It was one of those times that I wound up crashing in said single cot with Heero. In that particular case I would have rather not have been near anyone, but was too beat up to do much of anything else. Oz can be brutal in their interrogation tactics, especially when desperate. I never told him that he was the only thing that had kept me sane that night or confided in anyone where some of the more serious injuries had come from. I had seen acts of brutality that I didn't think I'd ever be able to forget during those times and remember having horrid nightmares and crying out in the middle of the night unable to break away from what I'd seen and been through during that last mission. Sometime during that night I had just wrapped myself around him, buried my face in his chest, and just never talked about it. He was comfort in a time and place where comforts were scarce.
But that had been a long time ago and I hadn't found recent cause for me to run to anyone like that since. So the when he started to climb into my bed over the course of the past week, I lay awake all night confused and feeling awkward about it. It had taken me off guard and started when he had been assigned his latest mission. Two nights ago I even found myself scooting over unconsciously to make room for him when he appeared half-asleep by the side of my bed. When he slipped silently under the sheets, I rolled over to give him enough space and even lifted my arm so he could put his around me comfortably. It was a presence that I didn't think about when he was there, but missed like a great big hole in the universe when I slept alone. It was a little unnerving and reminded me of darker times, but I didn't question it or him and figured if he wanted to clue me in he'd find his own time and way to do it. That was just how Heero operated sometimes.
Last night was one of those black hole kinda nights. With the heat and humidity, the winds brought storms. I woke in the middle of the night to rain pelting the window and thunder rumbling in the distance. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling wondering where Heero was, and why he'd been so late returning from whatever assignment he'd been on lately. Then I rolled back onto my side and hugging a pillow tight thought hard about why I couldn't seem to sleep very soundly anymore without him in my bed. When I did finally fall asleep my dreams were plagued with memories long buried and painfully clear.
I must have been standing in one place in the kitchen for too long, because Wufei was suddenly standing in front of me with an odd look on his face and holding a cup of hot tea in his one hand and a cup of the coffee I just brewed in the other.
"I believe this concoction is yours."
I blinked at him and took the mug. It was damned hot.
"You seem... out of sorts, Maxwell."
"I just was thinking about the storm last night."
He looked at me thoughtfully and took a slow sip of his tea. "And... ?"
"And where Heero was last night. I don't think he came home last night."
Wufei glanced to the hallway that led to the bedrooms. Heero's door was closed and there were no signs of shoes or a jacket in the kitchen where we usually tossed them when we came back home. "Hard to say. I doubt it was the stormy weather though. Amelia Airhardt would be easier to locate than Yuy when he doesn't want to be found."
That struck me as odd. "Why would he not want to be found? I thought he's been on a routine assignment." I felt badly that I had been so preoccupied with my own work that I hadn't been paying attention to what the other guys were working on recently and made a mental note to be sure to check up on everyone today when I was in the office.
"It's done. I think it would be best to let him explain the circumstances of it. And that is only if he desires to do so. He isn't the "chatty" type." Then without another word he stalked out of the kitchen and back towards his room, leaving me to wonder what the hell I'd missed in the past week while training recruits and why Wufei always seemed to know details about other people's assignments that no-one else did.
Grabbing my keys and taking a sip of my too-hot coffee, I puled out my cell and dialed Heero. If he didn't come home, he may have crashed at Trowa and Quatre's instead as they were a lot closer to headquarters than we were. It was too damn muggy out to wear my jacket and I found myself tugging at my shirt collar all morning, so I just grabbed it and gathered my laptop and case and headed out. He didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message knowing I'd see him soon enough if he was already at the office. I couldn't help thinking that he was avoiding me, but chalked it up to me being oversensitive. Which I freely admitted I could be when it came to Heero. Besides he had no reason to avoid me and our usual patterns hadn't changed. In fact, they finally seemed to settle down to the point I didn't have to guess throughout the day what I should expect from him.
I took the stairs when I arrived at work, which was a huge mistake. By the time I hit the fifth floor I was dripping with sweat and slightly stinky. I huffed an aggravated sigh, knowing that if it was this hot at seven a.m., then by mid-day it'd be a total bitch. I breezed by the lounge and made my way quickly to where the offices were for 'high-security personnel' where I chuckled every day that I was part of. His desk was empty though and I saw no signs of his usual mug of tea sitting on the coaster beside his phone. There wasn't any sign that he had even turned his PC on. It was a little odd, especially because I saw Trowa across the room at his own desk. The rest of the office was shuffling about in the heat as normal sporting rolled up sleeves and loose ties. There were two large fans that were blowing the stale air back and forth, but not really providing any relief. Everyone, including Trowa who was typing away on his own PC, looked hot and annoyed.
I had drained the last of my coffee on my commute in and made my way over to the black goo perking away in the office coffee pot, stopping by Trowa's desk on the way. "Hey man, you're here early. I thought you were on a night mission."
"I was."
He was so engrossed in the report that he was writing that he didn't even look up at me. That alone was enough to spark my interest so I leaned in for a good look. "So whatcha working?"
He turned to me and clicked off his screen so I couldn't look at what he was writing, which surprised me a bit. He definitely wasn't the kind of guy to approve of someone reading over his shoulder, but he'd never kept Intel from me either. I was about to protest when he spun his chair enough to face me.
"Yuy's in the gym." He said plainly.
"Yeah, so?" It wasn't strange for Heero to work off some stress in the gym after he came back from an assignment after all.
"I just thought you might be wondering where he was."
I was suddenly annoyed at the carefully veiled presumption. In fact, it made me flush hotly and pull at my tie to loosen it more. I mean I knew it was obvious to my closest friends that Heero and I weren't exactly plutonic, but we weren't broadcasting it either. Office politics could be a serious bitch if rumors got out of hand. My third cup of coffee forgotten, I sat on the edge of his desk and crossed my arms over my chest waiting for some further commentary from him about Heero's odd behavior. Something was off and I just couldn't put my finger on it yet. "So just what the hell is going on today that's out of the ordinary other than this damned oppressive heat?"
He leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms over his head. "Don't you think it's a little warm to be working out?"
"Heero's pretty oblivious to the weather. I really don't think he cares one way or the other."
Trowa just shrugged and pulled his report back up after repositioning his monitor so I couldn't see anything from the angle I was at. He then simply resumed his typing and ignored me until I finally left. At that point I figured if something was wrong with Heero, I'd just go and get the information straight from the horse's mouth so I headed down to the gym.
I felt an odd anticipation creeping in as I descended to the floor the gym was on. The elevator was roasting so when it finally stopped on the second floor I was relieved to be able to breath air that didn't feel like it was going to scorch my lungs. The doors opened and I stepped out finding Heero punching viciously at the heavy bag in the back corner. I tugged my tie off completely and grabbed a towel from the rack as I made my way over to him. He knew it was me; I could tell by the lack of acknowledgement and the fact he didn't even skip a beat in his next swing. I walked around the bag and held it for him as he struck another hard blow. The guy was damned pissed off about something, hair damp with sweat, and looked like he hadn't slept at all the night before.
"So what the fuck's up with you?" I asked conversationally as he took another swing and delivered a harsh blow to the bag. It actually made me slide back a little. He didn't say anything barely taking his concentration off enough for me to gage that he had even heard me. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"
He suddenly stopped and just stood there looking at me as I held the bag. "No." He finally answered quietly and then resumed hitting the bag with more force than I thought necessary for a morning workout. I couldn't read his expression at all and it made me suddenly feel some concern for him.
"Wufei said you're assignment was done. It go all right?"
He stopped again and leaned heavily against the bag, closed his eyes, and swiped the sweat out of his eyes. After a few deep breaths he dropped his eyes from mine and simply said: "It was accomplished within the perimeters set."
Every bell, whistle, and alarm I had in my being was going off. I stepped around, tossed the towel over his right shoulder and placed my other hand on his left. "Look. I don't mean to pry, but you've haven't used that phrase in a very long time. Is... everything all right?" He opened his eyes and just looked at me for what seemed to be an eternity before giving a slight nod. I was about to press him when my cell chirped. "Aw, shit... hold on man, let me get this." I dropped my hand and grabbed at the cell and quickly cursing at the number that flashed. I was running late. My team was already assembled and waiting for my orders. "Shit, I'm sorry Heero. I gotta go. Will you be home tonight?"
All he did was nod and I felt guilty just leaving him there when he was obviously upset about something. I figured it had to do with the assignment he'd just finished and there was nothing I wanted to do more right then than talk to him about it, but I had a bunch of plebes waiting on me. "Okay, then. I'm doing some training today. It's only night vision equipment and simple recon techniques so I shouldn't be later than six."
"That's fine." He didn't say anything else and resumed punching the bag as I stepped away and found myself running from the room. I punched the button for the elevator a little harder than necessary, and found myself to be irrationally angry. I had a bad feeling and just felt all out of sorts about leaving Heero right then, but duty called.
That night I sat in the kitchen stewing. Heero hadn't come back despite his acknowledgment of doing just that when I had seen him last. It was still horridly hot and sticky despite the hour and the threat of more rain was the only other background to the hum of the table fan that Wufei must have set up. I sipped at my water and stared at the door for at least the past two hours. When Wufei came in and sat next to me at the kitchen table, I slid the half-empty pitcher over to him and watched with a kind of detached feeling as he poured himself a glass too.
"Damned hot." He grumbled.
That was most obvious. I almost snapped back a nasty little remark, but suddenly realized that him being there wasn't just random. It was getting late and I knew he had to be in before dawn tomorrow, so he was sitting there in the heat with me for some other purpose than to have a drink of water. "Wu?"
"Yes?"
"What happened? Something went wrong on Heero's last assignment. I can feel it. It's like a storm about to roll in."
Wufei sighed. "Trowa mentioned that you went down to the gym to talk to him before you took out your class."
"That's true, but we didn't talk." I found that it wasn't just the heat pricking my temper. It seemed everyone around me had quite an interest in what Heero and I were going to chat about. Whenever it was that he decided to show, that was. "It was more like him beating the shit out of the heavy bag, while I tried to figure out just what the hell was going on with him."
"I don't think it's my place to say anything about Heero's last mission. It feels too much like gossip." He said quietly. It made me chuckle though which got his hackles up. "What?"
"Wu, you're the closest thing we have to an office gossip and you know it. You're worse than the clerical staff."
"I am not. I just happen to be the kind of person people find they can confide in. I do not gossip." He drained his glass and poured another. I swear he looked like he was pouting at my little barb.
"What I can tell you was that Heero's team was very successful in tracking down some information about a smuggling ring and was sent in to make the arrests. They found some things that were both unexpected and unnerving. Much of the merchandise came out of the L2 colony quadrant."
I felt my heart sink at the same time my hands began to tremble. I quickly ducked them under the table before Wufei could see. "I take it that it wasn't vid-players then."
"No." He sighed and sipped at his water, stalling for time in my opinion. "In order for him to get in close he had to go in under cover as a potential client. Trowa facilitated the in infiltration."
"Which is why he was in the office this morning writing reports after being out on all those night assignments. I didn't know they were tag-teaming it." I felt bad again that I'd been lazy about keeping closer tabs on what everyone else was working on. No wonder they were acting strange though. Heero would know how I'd react once I heard where the merchandise came from. I was just waiting for someone to confirm what I was already thinking which would also explain why Heero was steering clear until he could find the right time to tell me.
"They both have been quiet about the details, but it's all in their reports." Wufei continued after my silence seemed to linger too long in the stifling air. "Heero didn't want you to read or hear about it in the mission debriefings this week. And they were able to save... a few of them."
"Is it what I think?"
"Probably worse."
I couldn't help the sigh I uttered. "That's why he didn't tell me what was wrong when I saw him this morning. He knew that I was on my way to take my class out and that kind of news would... that I'd be... "
"Angry? Sickened?"
"Yeah... " I said, fighting nausea that I wasn't sure was being caused from the heat or Wufei's quiet report. "So that's why he's avoiding me."
"I'd imagine so. Despite how he tries, there's very little that gets by you when it comes to him and I think he was trying to find the right time to tell you any details."
"I know. You don't have to say anything more." I lay my forehead down on my arms that were crossed over the table and just tried not to let the dark thoughts that were suddenly screaming through my mind pull me down into that dark place I owned.
Wufei let me be after that. It wasn't too hard for me to connect the dots. Smuggling out of L2 was either weapons grade gundanium or sex slaves. There really wasn't much else there of any value. It certainly wasn't the drinking water. They were usually young and usually not many survived their ordeals. I would know. I was there once. I felt my stomach coiling and my teeth clenching. No matter how much time had past or how much good we'd done, some things just never changed. And Heero was trying to shelter me from it. I buried my face in my arms and just breathed in the stifling air until I fell at last asleep at the kitchen table.
It was the middle of the night that I woke to a gentle prod. I could hear the patter of rain and the rolling thunder and let its soothing sound pull me from the shadows of sleep. I turned my face to him where he was kneeling beside my chair with a soft look of concern on his face and tried to give him some kind of a smile. But my heart just wasn't in it and I had to look away from him again. Trowa was lingering in the kitchen doorway as if about to leave, and Wu was no-where to be seen so I figured they were waiting for me to say or do something. "Hey." I whispered once I was sure my voice wouldn't crack.
"Hey." He said quietly. "It's late."
"Yeah." I acknowledged as Trowa disappeared out the door.
He stood with me as I got up from my chair and we just looked at one another for a long time. The fan was still humming away and with the rain, it seemed as if the temperature had finally come down some. Then without speaking, he took my hand and led me from the quiet kitchen to my room. In silence he unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it over my head before removing his own. Then as I removed my pajama bottoms as he stripped himself of his pants and taking my hand once again in his, led me to the bed and climbed in with me. He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. "It's going to be all right." He whispered in my ear and rubbed his face tenderly against my cheek.
I rolled over in his arms so I could look into those deep blue eyes of his. "Thank you for what you did. I know you tried to save them."
He traced a finger down the side of my face. "I was concerned that you wouldn't want anyone close after you found out what my last mission involved. I know that it's difficult for you. We all do, to a point. The assignment was originally yours, but Une allowed Trowa and I to take it after Quatre had mentioned a few things about L2 that may blur the lines a bit for you had you taken it."
I chewed on that a little. "I didn't even see this coming." I blushed a little at my admission. "I thought that all of that was over. Just bad memories." I huffed a little. "And here I thought it was the other way around... that I was offering solace for you. So now I'm not sure what to say."
He pulled me a little closer to him. "You don't have to say anything."
I rolled into him and buried my face his chest the same way I had so many years before and let him hold me until at last I drifted off to sleep to do battle with my demons. Knowing he'd be there when I woke and that everything wasn't lost.
Fini
(:./ebony/notlost)
