A parody of all those Wufei visits Treize stories. It's really more of a parody than anything else.
Treize looked at his desk and sighed at the pile of reports he had to sign off on. More papers to sign, he thought. And of course, it's a perfectly miserable day as well. He could hear the wind blowing through the tree branches making a whir, whir sound. The sky was a nasty grey color even though it was early in the afternoon. And the blasted weatherman had cheerfully said that it wouldn't let up soon. What use is power, he thought, if I can't get a nice day out of it?
Then he heard someone smash his window. He stood up, gun in hand, and turned to see his intruder. It was a sopping wet Wufei, looking like a drowned cat. "Wufei?"
"Kisama, I've... achoo... come to... achoo. duel!"
"You sound sick."
"It is your fault that I have come here to... achoo... kill you!" Wufei declared while dripping all over Treize's plush white carpets.
Treize wondered for a second what Wufei would do if he were to temporarily cross his eyes and act crazy, but decided that it was horribly undignified and in atrocious taste. Then he noticed that Wufei's nose was running... with snot. "Oh, for heaven's sakes, here's a hanky!" He offered Wufei one from his breast pocket.
Wufei took it then blew into it. Wufei was about to hand it back when Treize jumped back and said, "You can keep it."
"Now let us duel!"
"You're in no condition to duel! Go home!"
"I won't leave without thrusting my blade into you and having you fall before me!" Wufei snapped.
"Well, you'll have to do it when you've stopped dripping all over my carpets and sneezing into my hanky!" Then Treize felt Wufei's forehead. "My God, you're burning up! That does it!" I must call the one person I trust above all else. Then Treize whipped out his cellular phone. "Lady?"
Meanwhile, Une was in her sweats, using the Stairmaster in her room. Damn evil machine, she snarled to herself, but you're the only reason my buns are made of steel. Then her cellphone rang. "Lady?" said the voice at the other end.
"Treize-sama!" she squealed.
"I need you in my office at once. It is of the utmost urgency!" said Treize.
Oh, how kinky Treize!!! I've never thought we'd do it in your office. Une thought. "I will be right over, sweet-sama!"
Une came over in her raincoat and breathlessly ran into Treize's office. Outside were several people she had knocked down on the way there. "Treize-sama, I'm here."
Then she saw Wufei and yelled, "An intruder!" She then pulled out her gun.
"Une, that's not why I called you."
"But Treize-sama... He's the madman who wants to kill you!"
"Well, look at him. He's in no condition to kill me as he is. He won't leave until he duels me and I can't remove him without calling the guards who will promptly send him to prison. Please put him up in the guest room and take care of him so he can recover from his cold then I can then defeat him and send him on his merry way!"
I must be the voice of reason, thought Une. She took Treize by the arm and pulled him to one corner. "Now, dear-sama, let me remind you of a few things. He's the enemy and pilot of a giant mecha who would love to see you as barbecue. He's also very grumpy and ungrateful despite the fact that you spared his life. And the little pest will keep coming back."
"Oh, Une."
"No, don't, oh, Une, me!!"
"Come on," said Treize, folding his arms across his chest and pouting. "Do it for Mr. T."
Wufei felt a wave of nausea come over him and it wasn't connected to the cold.
Une's resolve turned to goo. "Oh, Treize-sama, anything you say." Little heart bubbles erupted around her.
"Kisama, but I want to... achoo."
"You fool, follow me. And if you try to go back to show Treize-sama your little sword, I swear you will have answer to me, do you understand? You don't want to make me angry."
Wufei grumbled but obeyed the onna.
Wufei found himself in a lovely room where the dominant color was a pale pink. He was in a very fluffy bed with a canopy on top with a comforter that had ducks and rabbits as its pattern. He had taken a short shower and changed into a white bathrobe that was three sizes too big. He lay down on the bed and scowled.
Une, her hair down and her glasses off, walked in with a tray with a bowl of soup on top. "Here you go," she said in a scary cheery voice. "It's my pheasant noodle soup. It's one of Treize-sama's favorite dishes after a hunt. I had some flavored stock frozen and I just added some rice noodles." She put the tray before him.
"I won't eat that. It's poisoned."
"Why would I do such a horrible thing?" she said in her spacy gentle voice. "Oh, you must be talking about those times.when Une blows things up and pilots those huge mecha... "
Oh, my Buddha, thought Wufei. She's nutty. She's referring to herself in the third person. He began to sweat profusely which Une thought was a symptom of his fever.
There was a knock on the door. "How's everything going?"
"Wufei won't eat the soup I made for him. He thinks it's poisoned. Why would I do such a thing?" wailed Une.
Treize gave her an indulgent smile. "I'm sure it's fine." He took a spoon and tasted the broth. "It's excellent as usual."
"See!" She turned to Wufei with sparkles floating around her.
"Um, could I have the Une who has glasses and braids back? I'm less scared of her," said Wufei. "Do you know that she does this?"
"Does what?" said Treize, looking utterly perplexed.
Oooooookay, thought Wufei.
"The TV in the corner has cable. Why don't you watch the sports channel?" said Une.
She switched it on. There was only static. "Oh, dear, the cable must be out. Well, you must go to beddy-bye and sleep out your fever!"
"Une, how about we call a doctor we can trust, just to make sure it's not anything more serious."
"An excellent idea, Treize."
Treize gave her an affectionate pat on the butt.
Wufei again felt nauseous. "Achoo!"
Sally Po met Une at the door. "I'm here to see the patient and it better not be just a thorn in Treize's pinkie."
"It was a very sharp thorn and I was worried about infection! No, this is about someone else. A Wufei Chang."
"Isn't that the name of a Gundam pilot?"
"I want you to do me a favor. I want you to take him out of here on some medical pretext and take him far, far away from here."
"Why?"
"Well, just because I don't want my honey-bunny to get in trouble for harboring a fugitive. Just please do me the favor of hustling him out of here. I can't kill him because Treize will be so miffed with me... " Little tears threatened to pour out of her eyes.
"Do not worry, I will take care of everything," said Sally. "Just show me the room he's being held."
As she entered the room, she saw the bishonen watching cartoons from his bed. "Go, Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer," Wufei sang.
"Ah, hem," said Sally. "I'm here to help you break out of here."
"But I haven't dueled with him yet."
Sally sweatdropped. I'll have to use my most formidable weapons. "I've got pocky and a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts!"
"I wonder how the little patient is doing?" said Treize. "Ara, he's not here." "The doctor wanted to observe him in the hospital," said Une.
Treize found a letter on the pillow that read:
Undearest Kisama,
I will make you die a thousand times over for this. You will bemoan the day you crossed paths with me. I anticipate your scream when you realize who is the master! Soon, I will point my sword at your throat and laugh with pleasure.
Hatefully yours,
Little dra... Wufei Chang
"Hmmm," said Treize. "This is another one for the collection."
"Yes, this and two dozen others that say things like ‘I will show you the true skills of Wufei Chang' and ‘force you to taste my sword,'" Said Une. "Really, Treize, why do you put up with it?"
"I get the impression he has a crush on me. I find all the death threats very Freudian," joked Treize. .
"Treize, he's dangerous! Get a grip!" said Une. And a restraining order. Really, she thought, why must I always be the sane one here?
"He's so cute and funny! And the way he pouts and chews me out when I always defeat him, I just can't get enough of it." Treize chuckled. "Call me an old meany, but it brightens up my day."
"Uh, huh," says Une, unconvinced. "Look, I'll buy you a big Sanrio Hello Kitty doll if you're that hard up for cute stuff. Or maybe a nice teddy bear from Yuy, Inc. I'll have it custom made so you can just pull the string and it'll spout things like ‘Kisama!' and ‘I will come back over and over to kill you.'"
"Are you feeling threatened, pooky?" said Treize. "There, there. I just like the occasional distraction from my tedious deskwork."
"I'll show you distraction!" said Une, flinging open her coat to show that she was wearing various unmentionables...
0_0 went Treize.
The End
(:./mk/achoo)
