Wufei & Catherine switch bodies, traumatizing everyone
Everybody stayed at the circus for a change because Quatre's sisters were holding a rave at the mansion nearby that was supposed to last three days. Of course, that meant the place would be damn unlivable until the mess was cleaned up.
"29 sisters, dance music, booze, oh, yeah, might as well as quarantine the house for a month afterwards," sighed Quatre as he sat near an extinguished campfire. Heero and Duo were both drinking their breakfast miso.
Trowa walked by, carrying some weights.
"Trowa, you're into bodybuilding?" asked Quatre.
"Well, Catherine's always lecturing me about how skinny I am. I figure I should bulk up. I wonder if it'll work. I wonder where she is, anyway."
Suddenly, they heard simultaneous screams from Catherine's trailer and the trailer Wufei was staying in. Both of them run out. Wufei was wearing his black shirt, but strangely enough was wearing cut-off shorts. Not only that his hair was loose. Catherine had her hair in a pigtail and was wearing baggy jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt.
Catherine pointed at Wufei and screamed, "That onna did something horrible!"
"I bet you enjoy feeling up my BODY!"
"Kisama!"
Quatre, Heero, Duo and Trowa stared and stared and stared. Duo's mouth seemed to open so wide you could easily stick in a baseball. Heero's eyes looked glazed over while Trowa began to tremble. Quatre's eyes got so big he reminded everyone of the Power puff girls or some sort of bug. Quatre finally said, "You two switched bodies?"
The body formerly known as Catherine nodded. "It was her evil soup that did it. I don't know what you want with my body but . . ."
"Well, I bet you're touching my boobs and squeezing the hell out of them to get your jollies, you little . . ." said Wufei's body.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Trowa, holding his head. Then he went into a little fetal ball.
Catherine turned to Quatre and said, "Quatre, you turd! You told him to stop taking the medication, didn't you? Didn't you? I ought to punch your lights out!"
Quatre said, "But he's so much better without them!"
"Curled up in a fetal ball, whimpering to himself?"
"Well, you didn't have to swap bodies!" snapped Quatre. He went to Trowa's side and said, "Let onii-san comfort you. Poor baby."
"As if I wanted this to happen. I can not believe my body is in the possession of Wufei Chang!"
Catherine's body thrusted out her braless chest and said, "I certainly did not ask for these ridiculous things!"
The remaining pilots who were not curled into a fetal ball gasped in unison.
Wufei's body snapped, "Well, I certainly did not ask for this ugly thing!" The being who was spiritually Catherine pointed to a region that everyone can guess the general area.
"MY NATAKU IS NOT UGLY! I AM PROUD OF IT!" screamed the being who was physically female for the time being.
Quatre let out a piercing scream and then lay next to Trowa in another fetal ball.
Heero said, "Something must be done. Let's call the doctors."
Unfortunately when Heero tried contacting the doctors via laptop, they received the message that the doctors were on vacation at a nudist colony.
"Oh, I really did not need that mental image," said Duo.
Suddenly, Catherine says, "I got the soup recipe from the circus' fortune teller. Perhaps she would know how to deal with this."
They rush over to her trailer, but there was a sign on the door, saying that she had gone into town for a couple hours to pick up some herbs, spices, and margarita mix.
"Well, I guess there's no quick fix for this mess," said Catherine.
Heero thought for a while and said, "Well, when something like this happened to me, there were a couple options offered to reverse this."
Wufei shook his, formerly Catherine's, head violently. "Absolutely not. How dare you even mention it!"
Catherine stood, hands on hips, legs apart. "What are the options?"
"Number one: You have nooky with each other."
"NO! Hell, no!" yelled Catherine and Wufei in unison, then they glared at each other. How dare you turn down nooky with me, they thought simultaneously. It's not like you're going to get anyone better.
"Number two: self-destruct and hope to live through it."
More howls of protest.
Heero then said, "Number three that I just thought of: Call Dorothy Catalonia, mistress of the black arts."
"I DO NOT APPROVE OF THAT WOMAN!" said Wufei.
"You don't approve of any woman!" snapped Catherine.
"She's liable to do something utterly gruesome just for the hell of it."
Heero sighed, "I don't know what to do. I've tried everything."
Duo patted him on the shoulder. "You tried. Don't worry, I'm sure the fortune teller will be right back and make everything better," said Duo.
Suddenly, Catherine clapped her hands to her face. "Oh, no, Trowa and I have a performance to do within the hour." She ran over to Trowa, grabbed him by the collar and slapped him a few times and snapped, "Get into your costume now!"
"Yes, ne-san," said Trowa as he stumbled to his trailer.
Catherine ran into her trailer.
After ten minutes, Trowa came out of the trailer looking like the most miserable clown on the face of the planet. Even his bang was wilting noticeably. He walked over to Quatre and sat him up in a sitting position. "My uchuu no kokoro is so cold."
"Trowa, why does he always talk about chewy cocoa?" snapped Catherine.
"KISAMA!"
All the pilots gasp in unison.
Catherine had dressed Wufei's body into her usual filmy costume and even managed to fill out the chest area. She had taken the liberty of using mouse and a curling iron to make Wufei's hair a fair facsimile of her own usual style. She even put on the headdress and the star earrings. But what was really scary was that she had put powder, mascara, eyeliner and lipstick on, and damn, Wufei's body looked good.
Trowa and Quatre's noses bled. Duo's braid suddenly became undone. Heero just looked calm.
"What did you did to my hair?" snarled Wufei.
"I made it pretty and fluffy. Don't worry, it'll wash out the next time you shampoo. And for heaven's sakes, take it like a man and stop whining!"
"ME WHINE?"
"Hn," commented Heero.
"Doesn't anything faze you?" said Duo.
"I have gone to the nudist colony with the doctors. After that, nothing can faze me."
Duo sweatdropped.
Catherine took Trowa by the arm and said, "Hurry up, damn it!"
"Your . . . your chest."
"Oh, I just put some mini-sandbags you use for juggling into my bra."
Oooog, thought Trowa. Sister cooties.
"Just a minute . . ." said Wufei.
"If you like, you can wear these clothes and try to do my act. After all, you're the woman now."
"HELL NO!"
"THEN GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!" roared Catherine. Even the lions were scared when they heard that. Her eyes suddenly lit up as if a miniature lightning storm swept through them.
Wufei jumped back.
Catherine, satisfied that her dominance was noted, dragged clown-boy into the tent. Quatre went back into a fetal ball.
Meanwhile, the crowd was settling into the bleachers to watch the circus.
"Of all the places to go on a date, you picked the circus?" said Zechs.
"What's wrong with the circus?"
"I was hoping for something more elegant."
"Well, you're the one who's always lecturing me on not being one with the common people. But when I try, you complain. You are simply impossible to please. Ugh, this carnival food is dreadful," he frowned, looking at the caramel apple before putting into a paper bag he was planning to throw later into a trash receptacle. After all, littering is not elegant.
"I wanted to see the opera ‘Nixon in China.'"
"Hush!"
As Trowa and Wufei walked towards the target board, Treize frowned and lifted his opera glasses to get a better look. "It can't be, but it is," murmured Treize, licking his lips. "Something much better than carnival food. OWWWW!!!"
Zechs had pinched Treize's earlobe. "Which hussy are you drooling over, Treize?" snarled Zechs.
"You, you are so mean to me!" said Treize as tears came to his eyes.
Zechs snatches the opera glasses away from his boyfriend and looked at what Treize was cooing over. "I don't believe this. That girl looks just like Wufei."
"It's not a girl, that's Wufei!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
Meanwhile in another section, Une grinned as she saw the two men squabble through her binoculars. "Yes, jealousy rears its ugly head once again! Come on, come on, break up!"
Noin turned to Une and said, "Do you think we're going too far in stalking them like this?"
"Treize-sama taught me to live my life with passion. Treize-sama is my passion and I fully intend on living with him!"
In another section, Alex and Mueller were watching the two women. Also watching was the 11X9/9X11 brigade from nearest army base.
"I told you they were on a date," said one yuri lover.
"Blasphemer!" snapped Alex. "She is merely watching as Zechs makes a damn fool of himself! Come to me, Noin, once you realize that Zechs is toying with you. Come on, Noin, get a clue already!"
"Stop wailing. You know what we must do. We must feed Zechs to the lions!" said Mueller.
"Come on Une," said Maya, a member of the brigade, who felt a special connection to a certain dark-haired subordinate who longed for her blonde superior, who was in turn involved with the boss. "You know you want Noin to give it to you good."
"No, Une should be on top," Ritsuko, who adored psychotic women who wear glasses half the time and have unrequited love for men who hold the fate of the world in their hands.
"Which personality?"
"Oh, good point."
Meanwhile, Catherine unleashed 10 knives at Trowa, then bowed to applause. Trowa walked forward and also bowed.
Une glanced at the performers then gasped, "Oh, it's the pilot whose nuts we both want to kick in. He's in drag!"
"No way!" Noin snatched the binoculars from Une, then laughed. "Oh, my God, it's Wufei! That hypocrite!" She snatched some of the surveillance equipment and began videotaping this. "I'm going to show this to my Wufei-must-lick-the-soles-of-my-shoes club!"
Alex and Mueller watched as Noin laughed and looked at what she was laughing at. "It's that pilot who brought shame to her! He must die!" they scream in unison.
"That's a guy?" chorus the brigade.
Alex and Mueller run down to kill Wufei, not knowing that the soul they would be sending to the afterlife would be that of a fairly innocent bystander.
Catherine, sensing her imminent demise, throws her knives at the men. The knives hit them in the chest.
"Ha! You just hit our flack jackets!" said Alex.
"Fine, I'll just aim for your nuts!" screams Catherine, holding up another pair of knives.
Alex and Mueller beat a hasty retreat.
"Ne-san, you should've been a Gundam pilot!" said Trowa.
"Damn right," said Catherine. "Let me pilot Heavyarms."
"No," said Trowa.
Treize has tears of appreciation. "Wufei acting so butch in drag. I love it!" Treize walks down to the edge of the ring, and says, "Oh, my dear, that was lovely."
Catherine turns to Trowa and whispers, "Does he know Wufei?"
"He's Treize, the guy Wufei lost to in that duel. I told you about him," whispers Trowa.
"He's cute," whispers Catherine back. "It's a pity I'm not in my regular body."
"He knows Wufei's a guy."
"Once he saw me in my regular body, I'm sure he'd switch."
Trowa sweatdrops.
"It has been too long. I . . ." Treize was about to pick up Catherine's hand when he hears a woman scream, "KISAMA!".
Treize looks at the intruder. It's a lovely young woman in Wufei drag, down to the puffy white pants and black shirt and ponytail. She's even got his way of talking and walking down. Oh, my heart is bursting from the cuteness of this all. Oh, look, she's even got his sword. Oh, this is soooooo precious.
"Don't touch my body! Catherine, get away from that man!"
Treize frowned. His mind whirred. "You two switched bodies?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
Treize looks at the both of them. They're both so lovely and cranky and oh, so passionately violent. He was about to proposition the both of them about something involving heat, buns and meat, and no, it wasn't about a hot pastrami sandwich.
Before he could do so, however, he heard Zechs yell, "OH, SO THAT'S WHAT TURNS YOU ON! WELL, SORRY IF I DIDN'T PICK UP ON THE FACT YOU LIKE DRAG!"
Suddenly, the circus crowd is quiet and stares at them, and stares, and stares. Noin lets her jaw drop. Une keeps watching Treize for his reaction. Alex and Mueller do a high-five. The 9X11/11X9 brigade watch their faves closely.
Treize sniffles, then says, "I don't understand you Zechs. I really don't. I mean, you're the one who said he wanted space and a new path for himself. And didn't I turn a blind eye when you were having ‘special assignments' with Otto, Walker, Noin . . . I have all of the men and women you've slept with memorized with the date and time. Une told me all about them. As for going after G-boys, well, you should talk with your obsession with Heero. You're not much better than your sister Relena on that count. I figured that if you didn't care about being faithful, well, neither should I! Now, I'm going to go and take a long hot bath because I'm so depressed!" Treize runs off, leaving Zechs standing in shock.
Une sniffles into her handkerchief. "Poor Treize-sama . . ." Then a look of absolute fury flashes on her face. "Zechs must die!" Une is about to run and kill Zechs when Noin restrains her by grabbing her by the shoulders.
The 11X9/9X11 brigade spontaneously clap at seeing Noin and Une, oh, so close.
"Let go of me now or I will personally punish you for this act of insubordination," yells the spectacled one.
"No, don't kill Zechs!"
Alex and Mueller groan.
Zechs snaps out of his shock and yells, "Treize, come back!" Then he runs out of the tent.
Seeing Zechs run, Noin relaxes and Une struggles free. "How dare you restrain me? You do that again, I'll blow you to kingdom come!"
Several men of the brigade clap handkerchiefs over their noses from that statement.
Suddenly, Quatre runs into the tent and says to Wufei and Catherine. "I found the woman who made the recipe for the soup."
An old woman said, "The cure is simple. You simply have to kiss each other."
Both Wufei and Catherine narrow their eyes. "Just one kiss, right?"
"Yes," says the woman. "Oh . . ."
Wufei and Catherine kiss, albeit grudgingly.
The roof of the tent blows off and a blinding white light flies into the sky.
"There's a small side effect, there is a sudden release of spiritual energy. Some people in the vicinity may have temporary amnesia,' says the woman, a few seconds after the fact.
"Who am I?" said Trowa. "I don't remember anything."
"Oh, no not again," said Catherine, now in her own body. "Ugh, what horrible fashion sense you have."
Wufei ran off instantly to his own trailer to wash all the junk off his face and get the dress off of him.
Une looks very confused and says, "Do you know who I am?"
Noin shakes her head, "No, I've forgotten everything."
Matthew, a member of the brigade, runs up to them and says, "You with the glasses are Une. You with the unibang are Lucrecia Noin. You are madly in love with each other. Why don't you try kissing and see if you feel a spark?"
Alex ran up to Noin and says, "No, don't listen to him. Noin, you are the love of my life. Don't you recognize me at all? I adore and worship you. Please come home with me. Une is simply a friend of yours. Kiss me instead!"
Matthew and Alex then start to pummel the daylights out of each other. Noin and Une take a long sideways look at each other, wondering what the hell to do.
The End
(:./mk/swap)
