15-May-2001
Title: Lovers or Friends
Author: Kimmie (JaenKaeGW@hotmail.com)
Archive: GW Addiction, Silent Passion (strangeplaces.net/silentpassion)
Category: songfic, sap, light angst, POV
Pairings: 1+3
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I mean no harm, I have no money... Stuff like that. Yeah.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: A dirty word or two and mentions of sex/innuendo.
Spoilers: None.
Notes: The song "Lover or Friends" is by Cowboy Mouth off of the "Mercyland" CD... my second 1+3 songfic off of it. The song is rather countrified in a good way, but I like the lyrics a lot. Like, a whole lot. One letter was changed from the lyrics. A "she" to a "he". My lyrics had a sex change operation! So, enjoy my first foray into Trowa's POV and his take on his relationship with Heero in my little 1+3 universe.
~...~ = lyrics
We've been living together for six months now. This means that our half-year anniversary isn't too far away. I wonder, sometimes, if we'll last to a year. I mean, despite the fact that I was a Gundam pilot, the fact that I'm a man in love with another man still gets to some people and makes them treat me like a used condom in a gutter. That hurts.
~I reach for your arms but I only get smiles~
~This has been happening a little while~
~I say how I feel but you only get riled~
~Accusing me of being a child~
For about the past month, we've been lovers... I think. I'm not sure if we're lovers who are friends or best friends who get it on and share coffee mugs. I'd like to think we can be both at the same time, but I'm not sure. Heero... me, too... we're so new to this.
No, I think we really passed into the lover's area on our three month anniversary. We had a big fight over whether to give gifts and go out to dinner... all of that stuff you see in cheesy daytime soaps. I said no, he said yes.
Then, he said that if I wouldn't let him take me out to dinner and buy me a year's membership to the local gym which I could run to instead of the one across town that doesn't have any free weights, then I could pack my things and leave.
~Remember the laughter the night that we met~
~You passed me a look that I cannot forget~
~You dared me to leave but I haven't gone yet~
~We're giving both as good as we get~
I had to remind him that it was my apartment. Then, we went out to dinner. I ended up buying him a new hard drive for his laptop... then I let him give *me* a hard drive. I slept late the next day.
Still, it does all seem sort of new... everything. The first time we had sex was great, if embarassing. The second time, we were still blushing and giddy. It's still the same way. Well, we don't really blush anymore, but Heero still gets the same way he did the first time. It's sort of a mix of clumsy and frustrated and elated. I've taken it upon myself never to let him open the lube again. After a good part of a tube found its way into my hair that first time because of his fumbling and not knowing his own strength in his state of horniness, I figured that opening it for him would be a good thing, especially for me.
~You call me honey and I call you baby~
~You say I'm dumb and I say you're crazy~
~My memory's clear but the details are hazy~
~The words come out all wrong~
A lot of couples call each other by pet names. We do, but only as a joke. He calls me honey; I call him baby. Like I said, it's just a joke. Otherwise, it's just Heero and Trowa, Tro if he's feeling frisky... which is becoming more and more often. I don't really mind.
There's a problem, though. I still want to be his best friend. Sure, it's great--fine and dandy--to have someone to bring me chocolates when I'm feeling a bit depressed. But, when we were friends, we went and played pool and went to hang out with the guys from work, and we even went to a strip club before. Now, I'm lucky if we play cards. Sure, snuggling is great and we have a lot to make up for, but that doesn't mean we have to quit having fun, does it?
~Are we lovers or are we friends~
~And can we ever be both again~
~There's a feeling here that never ever ends~
~I would give my life to live again~
I'd love to come to a consensus on this. After all, I'm looking at it like it's the one thing in my life that might be permanant. I want it to be.
But, like with everything else, I keep thinking that I'm going to lose him at any time. Every day that he comes home from work and gives me a kiss, I smile and a little bit of the doubt goes away. Doubt and confusion have eaten away at me for the majority of my life because I wasn't sure of who I was. For once, I'm starting to find an identity. I realized that names mean nothing, and all that really matters in your life are you relationships and your actions.
I think that's why I'm so dead set on defining "us". To be a part of "us", I have to know what "us" is, and right now, I don't. I know we're something, but I'm not quite sure what.
~Your eyes flitter fast as you cast the first stone~
~Something 'bout hating being all alone~
~I try not to hear when your anger is thrown~
~Or any kind of hurting is shown~
Some of our friends have taken to joking that we act like a married couple. That would be great if I didn't analyze everything that everyone told me. I mean, we fight. We get in stupid arguments and bicker back and forth. He's always so convinced that he's right. I adore it about him... but, sometimes I know that he's wrong. And it hurts that he won't even consider it when I tell it to him. He just gets angry.
Heero angry is a scary sight. It's something that you want to end as quickly as possible. When he starts to get that flash in his eyes, I get out of his way. I know that he would never hurt me. He's tried... even when we were just friends, we got in a brawl. It was serious combat over me telling him not to hurt someone who called him a weak-ass sissy. We each landed a few good blows, but nothing like what he could. I had one little bruise on my shoulder, and he had a scratch on his cheek. We've gotten worse from making love... much worse.
~I clear my throat when you say you miss me~
~I drink your lips as you slowly kiss me~
~Your eyes grow wide but your smile gets misty~
~I don't know what to do~
Still, regardless of all the crap we have going on from us adjusting to it all, I love it... love him. I never imagined kisses so sweet that I go into shock with every one. But, that's what I get. That's the part of this that I never had before. But, I never really had friendship before Heero, either. It was having companionship, having fuck-buddies, or being lonely. I took what I could get in the affection department, but it wasn't really all that much.
I hope I'm doing okay in showing Heero what he means to me, and doing all the things for him that he does for me. But, I'm just not good at finding the poetry in the moment and putting it into words like he is. I can't compare his eyes to a moonlit lake, or his skin to wet silk, or his cock to a lollipop. Okay, maybe I can do a comparison on that last one, and it can be oral, but not verbal.
~Are we lovers or are we friends~
~And can we ever be both again~
~There's a feeling here that never ever ends~
~I would give my life to live again~
I should probably confront him on this... let him know that I think we can have it all. There isn't anyone else I'd rather try for it with. I think maybe he needs to know that. But, he'd go overboard trying to make sure it happened. That's why I haven't said anything yet. It's a dilemma, sure, but I think that I need to be the one to do something about it. I'll get the guys at work to invite us over for cards. We'll actually put our pool table to good use... not that sex isn't a good use, but probably not the use intended by the manufacturer.
~Has anybody seen the one you love~
~Where is he now~
~Has anybody seen the one I need~
~Where is he now~
~I never saw us parted~
~You never saw us parted~
It's actually fun to be out in public without him sometimes. The people that we know always ask where he is, or tell me where to find him. The old lady who lives next to us works at a little deli near our complex. I go down and get a sandwich when he has to work late, and she always tries to comfort me by telling me that I need a big pastrami on rye and to forget about my bum of a husband.
I tell her that he's not my husband, and she stops piling on the pastrami. "Not married? You mean that you're sleeping with him and you haven't seen a ring? Feh... You want mustard?" It amuses me, and I try to explain, but she just keeps adding on to the sandwich and trying to tell me that Heero really is working late and he would never just say so and really be having an affair because he's not like that. Then, she motions me close and whispers, "He takes out the trash and gets the mail. *That's* a good man. You *should* marry him."
And I walk out of the deli with three day's worth of veggies and bread and good deli meat for the price of a plain sandwich.
~I watch the wind make the water shimmy~
~I search for something I feel within me~
~I go for breath but there isn't any~
~You took it all away~
I really wish that I knew what to do about this. But, for now, I'll just let things go and see what I can do. I can't expect him to be in charge of how things affect my emotions. I think I just started really having them about nine months ago. But, Heero... He's got his own problems to deal with. He was so trained, so perfect at doing what he did... he needs the time to adjust and I'm fine to give it to him. But, I sort of wish that he'd let me in on his healing process a bit more. Then, we could heal together. Or, I could at least learn how it's done.
~Are we lovers or are we friends~
~And can we ever be both again~
~There's a feeling here that never ever ends~
~I would give my life~
~I would give my life~
~I would give my life to live again~
Maybe if I could live it all over... no. Even if things aren't perfect, I wouldn't change a thing. I'd just live it all over again exactly as I've lived it before. I'm happy; there's just a few things I want to change for the future.
But, first, the question that plagues me: lovers, or friends?
Owari. `__`
(:./jennykim/moments6)
