11-Jan-2001
Title: Time and Time Again
A Gundam Wing Fanfiction
Author: BarBieBoy
Dedicated to Kav
Feedback: YES PLEASE! :o) (Don't be shy!) Comments, criticisms, ideas etc please mail me at barbieboy000@hotmail.com. Flames and abuse please mail me at techsupport@microsoft.com.
Disclaimer: Mobile Suit Gundam Wing is the property of whomever. I don't own it and I am using these characters without permission (but not for profit). The original portion of this work is mine however so please don't steal it :o)
Category/Warnings/Rating: 1+2/2+1, 3+4, angst, language, R(?)
Final note: I am in Australia. I speak and write English. I know how to spell colour and grey and behaviour. :o)
' . . . and so, in the interest of preventing loss of civilian life, and of protecting Gundam pilots Duo, Quatre, Trowa and Wufei, it is the decision of this pilot to allow the device to terminate its target.'
Heero mechanically read over the last of his official report on the incident. It hadn't taken him that long to write; after all, he had already written most of it once already. Although the report was entirely factual and correct, it was completely unable to express the enormity of the decision he had made.
'Therefore, it has been decided that this pilot shall take possession of the device and place it in Wing Zero, there to be taken to a safe location and allowed to detonate.'
Heero wondered how he should finish the report. If he had been writing it a week ago, he probably would have added something about the glory of the cause. However, to the pilot's mind now, that was far from true.
Death was the end. It was a waste. It meant that he would no longer be able to enjoy life. Yes, Heero now knew that he wanted that one thing. Although it was all too late, he now wanted to live. He wanted to enjoy the company of his friends, to enjoy the company of Duo. But it was for these same feelings and desires that he knew he had to die.
The device was in many ways the cruellest of all weapons. He had long known that it was most probable that he would die in the war, but he never imagined he would go like this: willingly into the jaws of death, because he was dead already.
Perhaps that is why it had been chosen as the bringer of death for him. Heero knew that he had been the cause of so much suffering and death, but he had only recently begun to understand the true horror of what that meant. He had only recently understood death when he saw his friends die, when he saw Duo die. There was no glory, and he was not proud to see them die for the cause. There was only emptiness and pain. Just as there would have been for the loved ones of those whom he had killed. Perhaps this cruel death was his punishment for all the pain he had wrought on others.
Heero wearily saved the report and sent it as a delayed message to his superiors and to the other pilots. He knew that they all deserved to know what had happened, and why he had done what he was about to do. He knew that they would be hurt. He knew better than they would ever understand or realize. Especially Duo. He hoped more than anything that the American would understand that he had done this not because he was afraid to live, but because there was no other way.
The object of his thoughts had finished showering and was now lying on the bed, hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. Heero knew what he was thinking. He was about to start a conversation Heero had already had too often. But he wanted to at least be at peace with Duo. After all, his death would probably affect the boy more if he believed that there was still a grudge between them at the end.
"Ano . . . Heero," the boy began. "Wufei needs 10 000 for that mission, don't forget."
Heero smiled sadly to himself.
"You know I haven't forgotten," he said softly.
The braided boy perked up at that last comment; it clearly was not what he was expecting. He stared strangely at his partner, who remained steadfast at his desk. Heero had stopped typing, but had not turned around.
"We haven't been getting along well recently. It has been my fault. I have had trouble understanding and accepting your friendship, and have been purposely avoiding a resolution to our trivial conflict."
Duo swallowed hard. He had envisaged many different outcomes of this conversation, but none so unusual as a rational and apologetic analysis of the situation from Heero. What was even stranger was that the words were spoken not in the clinical coldness of the Heero he knew, but with the melancholy of one who knows only too well their true meaning.
"I'm sorry for trying to self-destruct on L2, Duo. It was selfish and cowardly. I apologize for that, and for any . . . discomfort my grudge has caused you."
Heero turned after this last statement and closely regarded his partner. Duo was very much in a state of shock, but that was to be expected. To his eyes it had been an overnight transformation, whereas for Heero it had been the natural progression of a week of painful experiences.
After a few moments Duo seemed to regain his senses. His eyes wavered about the room looking for a distraction. He was confused over the sudden change. It provoked feelings in him that he could not understand. Finally, he decided that he should at least apologize for his wrongs as well.
"I'm sorry too, Heero. For being so stubborn and for calling you a coward . . ." Duo waited for a reply as he twiddled his thumbs in his lap.
"Apology accepted. But you were right; I was a coward."
"No, you are not!" Duo nearly shouted, surprised at the certainty in his own voice. "You are a very brave pilot and soldier. You have often risked your life to save others, including myself. You are not a coward. And I am . . . proud to be your friend."
The words filled Heero with warmth that for a moment lifted the burden on his heart. But although they filled him with happiness, Heero knew that they were false. Heero had been a machine, he had followed orders. His life had meant nothing to him, and so offering to sacrifice it had been a meaningless gesture. He had chosen to ignore his own feelings and refused to take responsibility for his own life. He had indeed been a coward. But he did not wish to spend his last day on earth debating the issue.
"Thank you, Duo," he almost whispered.
Heero was trying hard not to give into the emotions sweeping through him. He still had several tasks to perform. He had to intercept the plumber and take possession of the device. He also had to ensure the safety and happiness of the other pilots. He estimated that it would only take him an hour to get safely into orbit, away from anything important. Therefore, he would have to be in his Gundam with the bomb at 10.30 pm.
Heero stood to leave, but hesitated as Duo began to struggle with something. He turned, and for a moment the two simply stared into each other's eyes. Heero wanted nothing more than to hold the other boy in his arms and kiss those soft lips. But there would be little point in making Duo feel more for someone he would lose in less than 12 hours. Instead, Heero quickly retreated from the room and set about the task of retrieving the bomb.
Duo wandered over to Quatre and Trowa's room in confusion. Heero had almost been a different person. He had held a conversation that spanned more than a few words, during which he had apologized. He had been empathic and emotional, two things Heero Yuy normally was not. Duo found himself at a loss to explain the change, or understand why it had affected him so. There had been a moment just before Heero had left when he had felt something.
For an instant, he had been drawn to the other boy. He had wanted to comfort him, to hold him. Duo had thought about other guys before, but never Heero. Heero was just so . . . Heero! But in that moment, he had undeniably felt an attraction. On any other day he would have laughed at the idea of having a relationship with Heero. Now he began to wonder.
Duo reached his destination and knocked on the door. A few seconds later, a rather irate Quatre answered.
"What is it, Duo?" he asked, trying not to let his impatience show.
Duo was too lost in his own world to detect the difference in the other boy's behaviour. He simply wandered into the room and sat down on the bed where Trowa was sitting with a sheepish expression on his face. Duo regarded him with confusion for a moment, and eventually the other boy got to his feet and headed out the door.
"I'm going to get something to eat," he said in a neutral tone. "Want anything?"
"No, I'm fine, Trowa," Quatre said.
The green-eyed pilot waited to see if Duo wanted anything, but took the braided boy's lack of reaction as a 'no.'
"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" the braided boy asked at last, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable.
"No. Not particularly." Quatre said with a dismissive wave. "What's wrong? You seem a little preoccupied."
"Well, it's nothing, really . . ." Duo began. "It's just that Heero was acting . . . strange this morning."
Quatre sat on the bed next to his friend and waited for him to continue.
"He was . . . well, nice. He apologized for ignoring me for weeks and he admitted to being confused over our friendship. It was strange. He spoke with feeling for once." Duo was going over the situation in his head, his mouth moving in time with his thoughts. "Then there was a moment where there was this strange . . . feeling between us that . . ." Duo quickly remembered who he was talking to and trailed off.
Quatre, now thoroughly intrigued by the story, began to consider whether this was an ideal opportunity to bring up a conversation he had been meaning to speak with Duo about for some time.
"Was it a nice feeling?" he ventured.
Duo thought for a moment before answering.
"In a way. In another way, it was a little scary."
Quatre took a deep breath and made a leap of faith.
"Was it an attraction?"
Duo was a little startled by the question. His immediate reaction was to deny it. He didn't want Quatre thinking he was . . . well . . . into guys.
"It's okay, Duo," the Arabian pilot began. "I think I know how you feel . . . "
Duo was startled for the second time in as many seconds. Quatre was the same? The thought seemed ludicrous, but at the same time Duo felt like the other boy understood.
"Kinda . . . it was strange," he said, looking at his feet.
"I know what you mean . . ." Quatre thought back a couple of minutes ago when he and Trowa were in a similar situation.
"Maybe you should go ask him about it. Explore a little." Quatre tried to be helpful without referring to specifics.
The other boy nodded for a moment, lost in thought.
"Why don't you ask him to go to the party at Aieka's tonight?"
"What party?" Duo asked, forgetting for a moment that as a social guru he should know already.
The Arabian boy told him all about it. The two chatted for quite some time about the party and what fun it would be. Although neither pilot steered the direction of the conversation back onto the course it had been a few moments ago, both felt closer to each other. They shared similar thoughts and feelings, and knowing that they were not alone made both of them feel a little happier.
At 6.05 pm a rusted metallic grey van with darkened windows pulled up along the street opposite the Tanakas' house. A few seconds later a man in grey plumber's overalls opened the driver's side door and exited, pausing only to put on a pair of dark sunglasses.
In the next 20 seconds he proceeded to the back of his van, which he opened to reveal a multitude of parts and tools. He gathered up his toolbox in one hand, and in the other he held a suspiciously large bag.
He was about to close the doors when a powerful blow to the back of his neck knocked him unconscious and sent him falling to the ground. Over the next 15 seconds his assailant dragged him into the van and locked the door, making sure to keep possession of the bag.
By 6.06 pm, Heero Yuy was walking towards his hidden Gundam.
Heero headed back to his room after successfully preparing his Gundam for its final flight. He had, over the course of the day, sunk deeper and deeper into depression. Understandable, considering it's not every day you know you are going to die in less than five hours.
He dragged himself into the room, only to be met with the sight of Duo, wrapped in only a towel, sorting through his wardrobe. A tiny smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he thought of a little joke.
"Geez, Duo, you could at least get dressed with the door locked," he quipped.
Heero was further amused to see the American turn round in surprise and then begin to blush. The Japanese boy openly let his gaze linger over the other boy's body, delighted by the reaction he got.
"Heero!" Duo yelled eventually, too embarrassed to do anything else.
The Japanese boy turned to face the wall, while the American settled on wearing an all-black outfit. It never ceased to amaze Heero how long his friend took to dress, with such little in the way of results. With the half-naked situation resolved and Heero free to look, an unsettling and awkward silence fell upon the room.
"Err . . . Heero . . . do you wanna come to a party tonight?" Duo asked, not sure why his voice sounded so shaky.
Heero smiled warmly. It didn't matter that he had been asked before; it still made him feel happy to be asked again. "Sure, Duo."
"Great . . ." Duo said, nodding before starting to pace about the room. "Great, so I guess I'll . . . err . . . see you there?"
Heero smiled and nodded again, causing the other boy to feel strange again. There was another awkward pause, which the American filled with more uncomfortable babbling. Eventually he made his way over to the door and left the room.
Heero shook his head smiling sadly. He wanted so much to see where he was going with Duo. Moments like that made him feel as if nothing else in the world mattered. Unfortunately, it did. There was no time left for Heero Yuy to play.
The Japanese boy showered and changed in a sober silence. He felt the familiar dark emotions tugging at him, threatening to tear down his resolve, but he pushed them under. He had to remain focused. He had to complete the mission. In less than five hours he could rest. Forever.
Quatre was sitting outside on a deck chair staring into the night sky. The muffled sounds of the party trying to escape the house filtered into the yard. He paid no attention to them, though, too lost in his own thoughts.
He heard a sound, and carefully looked over to the doorway where he was surprised to see Heero. He did not expect to see the boy, much less see him in decent attire. He wore a figure-hugging black shirt, which accented his upper chest and arms. He also wore matching black pants, completing a look that made even Quatre think twice. The Japanese boy trailed his eyes over the back yard until they settled on Quatre.
"You in competition with Duo?" Quatre jested. "Dressed to kill, and all in black."
Heero smiled at the thought. Truth be known, he didn't have much in the way of clothes. The shirt had been a long- forgotten present. He had felt silly going to a party in his usual tank top and jeans. It seemed too underdressed. Besides, the colour matched his mood.
"I'll take that as a compliment. Thanks, Quatre," he said, before settling on the chair next to the boy.
"I'm a little surprised to see you here at all, Heero," Quatre said in all honesty. Heero was not the party type.
"I could say the same about you."
Quatre frowned a little in confusion over that last comment. The Arabian boy definitely considered himself the party type, and voiced his opinions strongly.
"I am very much so the party type!"
"Exactly. And so I am surprised to see you here outside sitting alone when there is a party only a few meters away. It's hardly unusual for me to be avoiding a social gathering, but for you it is surprising." Heero seemed to speak openly, without any hint of sarcasm or jest.
Quatre instantly felt a little silly and found himself unable to meet the other boy's eyes. He was being so unusually anti-social that even Heero had picked up on it. He was a little down from another 'near miss' with Trowa, that was all. That boy was driving him insane. He simply could not figure out what he wanted, or didn't want.
"Aa . . . just thinking, that's all" Quatre said. Then, forcing himself to sound brighter, he added, "But I guess life is too short to waste sulking, ne?"
The Japanese boy's expression suddenly darkened at those words.
"Yes, Quatre. Sometimes shorter than we know."
The mood had darkened a little bit, making Quatre feel increasingly uncomfortable. "You're right, Heero, let's go back inside and enjoy ourselves. I'm not going to spend the rest of the next day regretting a missed opportunity." With that last comment Quatre began to rise, but was stopped short by Heero.
"Missed opportunities," Heero had whispered softly to himself.
"Huh?" Quatre asked.
Heero turned to face the other boy and fixed him with a stare of absolute conviction.
"Don't waste your life being afraid to tell people how you feel, Quatre. You will end up regretting it. At worst, you might be embarrassed, but that will pass. At least you will know where you stand, and at least you will have tried."
The force of the words and the feeling with which they were spoken surprised Quatre. He had never expected such wisdom from the 'perfect soldier.' He began to think of Trowa and the feelings he wished he could speak of there.
"Trowa is in your room sulking the night away," Heero said.
The Arabian boy was even more surprised to have the object of his thoughts addressed so aptly. He wondered what, if anything, Heero knew and felt that he had to immediately deny it.
Heero noticed the change in expression and immediately spoke before Quatre could say something stupid. "I saw him only half an hour ago. There will be other parties, Quatre. Go and speak to him."
Quatre had wanted to do just that for a long time now. But how could he? What if Trowa didn't feel the same? What if he hated him?
". . . I can't . . ." Quatre began to stutter as he felt wetness in his eyes.
"Yes you can, Quatre." Heero spoke softly, his words full of comfort and warmth.
Quarter nodded, standing up to leave. He walked slowly over to the side gate of the house and turned to Japanese boy for encouragement. Heero smiled at him and nodded slowly.
"But . . . what if he. . . ?" Quatre began, but was interrupted.
"Everything will be fine, Quatre. Trust me. I know."
Duo had left the party early. Heero hadn't noticed when. He had been watching the boy from a distance, trying to think of something to say, a reason to go over to him. But when he finally had summoned up the courage, the boy had gone. People said that he had gone home complaining of a stomach cramp. Heero was a little worried by that, but he had already seen to it that the braided boy did not take anything stupid.
It was almost 10 pm, anyway. It was time to get ready for his last mission. It was probably best that he didn't see Duo, anyway. There was nothing good that could come of it, for either of them.
With his mind made up, Heero quietly slipped out of the party and began the trek over to his hidden Gundam. He was distracted and nervous. Very unprofessional. This was his last mission ever, and he was determined to complete it with dignity. However, as the silence of the evening got to him, he began to lose his resolve again. It just wasn't fair. It was a cruel ironic joke for him to have finally accepted life, only to lose it the same day.
The evening sky was warm, and for the first time Heero noticed how nice it was to stroll on such an evening. The stars shone bright; there was a slight breeze and almost no sound to disturb him. As he got closer to his final destination, those dark emotions began to tug at his soul again. The depression that had been building all day was almost overwhelming. Heero began to feel wetness in his eyes, but he blinked and wiped them away furiously, determined not to stop.
Time seem to slip through his fingers like sand, and it seemed like no time before he was standing in front of Wing Zero. The giant suit was hidden with a camo-net. Heero pulled at the edges of the net to free his tomb for its voyage.
It was at this moment that he noticed a flicker of movement around the cockpit of the Gundam. His soldier's instincts kicked in, and he rolled to the ground and produced his gun.
A figure jumped down from the suit and landed with a cat's grace and elegance before the Japanese boy. When he turned to face him, Heero immediately lowered his gun in surprise.
Duo was standing before him. He was dressed all in black, his eyes flashing with grim determination. There was a myriad of emotions on his face, and for a moment Heero was too stunned to say anything.
"Nice outfit, Heero. It makes you look good," Duo joked, though his voice lacked any sense of mirth. He was barely able to restrain the torrent of emotions he was feeling. "So what's a guy like you doing in a place like this at this hour?"
Heero was snapped out of his trance and began to babble. He needed an excuse. He had to get Duo away to safety. It was 10.27 pm by his watch and there was no time for delays.
"Duo . . . I . . . "
The Japanese boy began to stutter, which only seemed to infuriate the American more.
"You know what? Don't bother, Yuy, I'll save you the trouble," the boy nearly spat, his body tense and shaking with anger. "You're off on another self-destruct mission."
"Duo . . . "
"DENY IT, THEN!" the braided boy screamed.
Heero looked away. He was already teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown, and had not the resources to deal with this now.
"GOD DAMN YOU, HEERO!" Duo was shouting with rage. His face was red, and his fists clenched so hard as to leave marks on his palms.
"I thought you had changed. Tell me. Was any of that shit you came out with this morning true, or was it all part of some elaborate plot to keep us from the truth?"
"Duo . . . "
"You know what? I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT, HEERO!" Duo began to pace in front of the boy as he ranted. "You are so god damn selfish it's absurd! I trusted you, I began to believe in you. For god's sake, there was a moment where I almost thought I liked you! But then you go and pull this shit?!"
Heero was on the verge of tears again. How had Duo found out? How had he gotten here before him? Time was running out, but with the boy he felt so deeply for in front of him, Heero didn't seem to care.
"DAMN YOU, HEERO! You don't even stop to think what it will be like for the rest of us, do you? You are so god damn selfish that you don't even stop to think about the pain you will cause us, you just go and . . . "
Heero violently lashed out at the last tirade. With his voice thick with anger, and tears streaming freely down his face, he began to scream himself.
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT, DUO! You have no idea how much it pains me to make this decision. I know better than ANYBODY what it's like to lose you guys, and don't you DARE FUCKING WELL TELL ME I DON'T! If there were any other way, then I would take it, but I have no choice . . . "
"THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE!" Duo was too furious to notice or care that he was crying too. "Just get out of your own stupid world and ASK. Tell me what the problem is. I can help. DAMN IT, HEERO, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There must be another way; there are always other options!"
"Duo . . . please . . . you don't understand, there isn't time . . . ."
"YES, YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I DON'T UNDERSTAND, HEERO. I don't understand how anyone can live as you do."
For a moment there was a pause as each of the boys trembled with the pain of their conflict. Duo's usually bright eyes were red with tears, and Heero had large wet streaks down his cheeks.
Then Heero did something in desperation that was so stupid it even alarmed himself. He raised his handgun again and pointed it at his friend and his love.
"Get out of my way, Duo . . ." he rasped, his voice hoarse from emotion and strain.
Duo was shocked, but was equally stupid in his response. He held out both arms and smiled invitingly.
"Go ahead, Perfect Soldier. Show me how efficient you are at killing," he said slowly and vehemently, unbuttoning his shirt as he spoke. "Aim here!" he said pointing to his chest where his heart was. "Pull the trigger, you stupid selfish fuck!"
Heero stood like that for what seemed like an eternity. His finger trembled on the trigger as a massive war began in his mind. Logic and reason stated that he had no time to lose. That he must remove any obstacle and pull the trigger. But his body simply would not respond. He didn't, he simply couldn't shoot Duo. With his mind made up at last, he began to relax and gently lower the gun.
Duo sighed with relief as new feelings began to sweep over him. He watched his friend sink to his knees in defeat, sobbing softly. Duo began to slowly walk over to his friend, desperate to comfort the boy. He was horrified at the amount of pain he had caused.
"Heero . . . I . . ." he began as he sank to his knees in front of the other boy.
Heero looked up for a moment and gazed into the most beautiful eyes he would ever see.
"Duo . . ." he whispered so softly that the boy had too lean closer to hear. "I'm sorry." He said and brought the handle of his gun savagely down hard upon the other boy's neck.
Duo slumped to the ground, unconscious.
Heero was wracked with guilt for his action, and began to frantically check the other boy's life signs. He would be fine, at least physically. Heero climbed slowly into the cockpit of his Gundam, his body still trembling with emotion. It didn't matter anymore, though; soon it would all be over.
Moments later there was a roar as Wing Zero left the ground and headed up into the night sky. Like an angel's ascension, the night was filled with a bright light as the suit climbed higher and higher.
It was close to 11.20 pm when Heero finally reached a safe enough distance from anything important. He nervously clutched the insidious humming object in his lap as he watched the clock on his screen.
Idly he wondered what his last thoughts should be. Of Duo? Somehow it didn't feel right. He had betrayed the boy and had hurt him. He had committed yet another act which further proved why he deserved to die now.
11.24 pm. He still had two minutes left. What should he do? Pray for forgiveness? He didn't believe in god or prayers, and frankly he didn't believe he deserved to be forgiven.
11.25 pm: one minute left in his life. Despite reason, he could not help but think of Duo.
I should have kissed him for real . . .
End Part 6
(:./barbieboy/time6)
