08-Nov-2001
There was a women-only room and a men-only room.
That was from seven o'clock until eight o'clock. After that, everybody could be in the same room if they wanted. At first, Hilde didn't know if she wanted to go to the women-only session, because I couldn't go with her. Part of that was probably an excuse for her to chicken out at the last minute, but Selfish-Duo, the one that sits on my left shoulder, was secretly pleased by this clinging in her. She usually acted so indifferent... Yep, testosterone was definitely running high there. Guys get a kick of protecting the women--even hip, feminist, sensitive types like yours truly.
Luckily, Good-Duo, who sits on my right shoulder and just like Selfish-Duo has one hell of a big mouth, took control of the situation. I found myself gently encouraging her and sort of guiding her towards the room, talking about how nice it might be to be with "just the girls" for a bit, and eventually she went. I think she even looked a little glad to go. She had her shoulders kind of squared, and if I didn't know better I'd have said she didn't really walk in to the room so much as she *marched.*
Well, I *didn't* know better, of course.
All of which left me standing in the lobby, staring intently at a blank spot on the wall and trying to look like I was supposed to be there.
I was even sort of tempted to whistle a little tune, like they always do in the vids at akward moments like that.
Eventually I decided to sit down. I didn't know exactly what I should be doing with myself, but I did know I sure as hell didn't want to go to the men's group. No way, no how. So I twiddled my thumbs and contemplated the Deeper Meaning of my existence, and waited.
And waited.
Time is funny when you're facing an unknown enemy. I learned that in the Wars, and the longer I live the more certain I am that it applies to civilian life just as well. When you don't know what you're up against, all the seconds seem like hours.
And all the hours like seconds.
I've watched it enough times since not to be surprised, but my inexpert sixteen-year-old self was completely dumbfounded to see Hilde, coming out of the "women's session" approximately one second or 60 hours later, with her head bowed and her arms wrapped around a sobbing girl. She seemed to be comforting this woman in a voice too low to hear, and she looked, perversely, better than she had in a while. More together, somehow.
"Hilde?" I asked uncertainly. I was so clearly not supposed to be there. As out of place as a bull in a china shop, I thought. Which shows how much I had to learn then.
Take a lesson from Papa Duo, boys and girls. Do not mistake vulnerability for a lack of strength.
She nodded at me and attempted a smile. It ended up more like a really fast twitch of the lips, and then I was following her inside, to the Big Meeting. Walking through a door and into a room littered with pillows and stuffed animals and boxes of tissues. Into another world more honest than this one.
A world honest enough to examine this one, I think is what they say.
I don't remember the beginning any more. I don't remember what the "leader" woman said to us, and I don't remember if there were rules, and I don't remember precisely how it all got started. But I know that at some point, a sort of purple stick was being passed around the room, and if when the purple stick came to you you wanted to say something, then you could. Or you could just keep passing it, and it went around over and over. I also know that I must have somehow ended up sitting right next to Hilde, tucked in one corner of the room. And I know that I was very, very uncomfortable.
As in, wanting to run away uncomfortable.
Because you can't imagine--I hope you can't imagine--some of the things that got said in this room. Some of the shit that went down in these people's lives, and you couldn't shut it out, because it wasn't a vid or a book; it was real, and the people were real, and the looks on their faces when their breath started to hitch and their faces contorted with crying, and it just kept going. It wouldn't, wouldn't stop.
"He woud come into my room. Every summer, he would come visit and he would come into my room, and he was my cousin! And he would tell me what a pretty nightgown I had on. And then... and then... and after he would go into my brother's room... I wanted my brother to protect himself! Because he was older. I was six and he was eight... "
The stick was passed. Uber-Supportive Duo handed Hilde tissues and hovered solicitously nearby in case she needed comforting.
"I come here every week. I've been four times and I'm just now saying something for the first time. I'm scared. But I want to say it. Last year, my boyfriend and I were getting along really well. But I didn't want to have sex, because... I just didn't want to. And I kept saying no and saying no, and he was really good about it, and he said he understood. And then one day, we were on the beach alone, and it was dark, and he started chasing after me with the knife we used for watermelon. And I said no, and he didn't stop. He calls me now. He says he loves me."
The woman stopped talking abruptly. Someone hugged her.
Pass with the stick.
"...he was bigger than me. I wasn't strong enough!"
Pass.
"She knew! She knew he was doing it! And I didn't know he wasn't sposed to do it, 'cause I thought everybody's sposed to listen to their fathers..."
"...my boyfriend... "
"...I shoulda said stop... it ain't rape if I don't say stop... "
"...an Oz soldier... "
"...a Rebel soldier... "
"...they told me it wasn't rape because we were both girls... "
"...and I felt so ashamed... I knew someone would find out I was dirty... "
"I don't want to have sex with anyone now! And it's not fair! I should be able to have sex like anyone else!"
I wanted it to stop, stop, stop, and it didn't. So many people were so hurt, and it wasn't even by bombs and guns and Reapers like me-- and what about the people who *weren't* here? Dammit, we're at *peace*! Tell me, what is the bloody fucking point of ending the Wars if people still get beaten and ra--hurt and killed anyway?
"Everyone says it wasn't my fault, but I *know* it was my fault!"
Peace doesn't mean a goddamned thing. I swear, for a few moments that night in that room, I wanted to turn back time, and I wanted to be the one in Wing when it made that final descent, except I wanted to turn my back to the falling skies, aim, and fire my beam cannon on Earth.
"i couldn't get away i couldn't get away i couldn't get away i couldn't get away... "
Just take out this whole sorry species of people who think they want to fight wars and conquer territory when they can't even protect their own women and children at home.
"I said, 'I don't want this!' And it hurt so much... and no one ever told me that men could get raped, certainly not by women."
Hell, we couldn't protect *anyone.* That moment I'd have taken out every last one of them, and then taken Hilde away somewhere with me, and left the mess behind for God to clean up if He wasn't too busy.
Hilde... the stick was coming to Hilde for the fourth time. This time, she didn't pass it, her head ducked down so no one could see. Instead, she kept it and handed me a piece of paper, crumpled tightly up in the smallest possible ball. Her body, too, was folded tightly into a ball, her tent of clothes protectively surrounding her.
I had a cold ball of dread settling in my stomach as I unrolled it. Carefully smoothed it out so that I could see. Cleared my throat, took a breath, and read out loud the words she still couldn't voice.
"I don't want to be this for you."
That was the first time I ever saw Hilde cry.
End Part 4
And that's a wrap for part 4. Can't tell you when part 5 will be out (I'm working on a Greenwood story right now), but I swear I will finish.
Comments? They'll be rewarded with kisses and virtual Pocky...
(:./cutter/tsuyoku4)
