22-Sep-2002

Best Friend by Psyche

Part Nine

Relena's sending Heero back home. Apparently, she thinks he's coming down with something. She shouldn't worry so much. Heero never gets ill.

Hilde just up and disappeared this morning. Said she'd be out all day and just left.

My mind's turning in on itself with all this aloneness. I'd meet up with friends, but they'd notice my mood. I can't deal with questions right now.

Heero's been trying to talk to me on the phone. I can hear his voice every time the machine picks up. He leaves the same message again and again.

And again, it seems. Here we go.

"Heero Yuy. I'll try again later."

Why the Hell does he give his surname on _my_ answer machine?

He's always done that, though. Rarely says his name, but when he does, it has to be the whole thing, or nothing at all. Guess it's pretty stupid to expect anything different for me. It's always the same for everyone. How does he manage to be close to people? But then he and Hilde always manage, with just about everything. It's so rare for them to both be out of sorts at the same time.

She's not home yet. She's with a friend. Or so she tells me--phones me when I get in;

"Just wanted to make sure you wouldn't worry."

"So when will you be back?"

"Duo..."

"Hilde I--look, I'm sorry I made you upset, I just--"

"Duo, I'm just here to be _here_ for a while, you understand?"

"You're staying the night?"

"I don't know."

I'm sure she could feel my reaction through the telephone. She knew what I felt. I know it.

"Duo, look, I just... you have to understand that things are hard right now. I know I shouldn't do this to you, I just--Something's wrong and I have to fix it!"

I listened to her breathing.

"Duo... I love you."

And I was scared.

"I really do, Duo, I just--"

"You know I'm here for you, right? You know I'll be hear to do whatever you want when you get back. I'll do whatever you want, Hilde." It was the only thing I could think of to say.

"Yeah. I know--I know you..."

--BEEEEEEEEEEE--

Why did she say that and then hang up?

And I don't even know if Heero's back yet. He stopped leaving messages yesterday evening. There's no way I'm going to just turn up on his doorstep.

It was so late when she eventually got home. I broke my promise. I'd fallen asleep. In the morning, she was there right next to me, and she seemed calm and alright and not at all like before, so I thought things were ok.

I came down for breakfast and she placed a letter firmly down on the table before me, then left the house as elegantly as you please.

So I've had this letter pressing against me in my pocket all day, telling me to take the time to read it. And I want to so badly I can't. I need someone to force me.

I read it. This is what it says:

'Duo.

'I'm sorry for doing this to you; for leaving you without any kind of explanation for so long. This letter took a lot longer to write than I expected. I need to communicate something to you that I can barely lay a finger on myself. I need to get it right, exactly right, or I will just mess things up further.

'I'm so sorry to be doing this to you.

'It's funny... do you realise we're only twenty-five? Do you ever really think quite how young we are? I think we believed the war made us old, when in fact it just screwed us up inside. I feel like a child suddenly finding herself one half of an old married couple.

'I love you Duo, and I can see that you care for me in return, but I can also see that things between us are wrong. I know you think so too, but you only seem to focus on the symptoms of the problem, and not the problem itself.

'How did you envisage our relationship in eight years time when we were seventeen, and had just moved in together? Did you think it would be perfect? I'll admit to you, I did. I didn't believe that love conquers all, but I did think that it could make two people understand one another.

'We'll never understand one another completely, you know; no two people ever could. But I think we can make things better if we stop our relationship from being a romance for a while. Duo, we should change our expectations.

'I've seen how you are with Heero, and it's so much easier for you because you don't feel the pressure to live up to an ideal so much. Marriage is just a piece of paper, but it can make us feel that we have to make things easy for someone all the time. You said you didn't want me to worry about you, but Duo, if I didn't, that would mean I didn't love you.

'It took me a long time to say those words. It took you a long time too. Please let's not make all that struggle for nothing.

'I want to be your close friend for a while, Duo. I don't want to change the way we feel about one another, but I want to change the way we interact. Does that make sense, Duo? Am I being reasonable? I've tried my best to make this something more than a simple act of passion, but in the end, there's passion behind everything we do.

'Just one month, Duo. Please, just one month as close friends, instead of lovers, spouses.

'You're so strong. Please, help me fix my mistakes.

'I love you.

'H.S.'

This is what Hilde says. So what do I say in return?

End Part 9

(:./psyche/best9)