08-Jul-2001
Flames to: anakerie@cinci.rr.com
Warnings: WEIRD! "R" rated.
Disclaimer: I don't own the GW boys or their "friends".
Pairings: I'm not even going to touch that one.
This is the next story in the "Alice" series. Read at your own risk!
Special thanks to all the people that have emailed me the names of reliable doctors.
The crowd was going wild. Stamping their feet, whistling, breeding under the seats, and having spitting contests. A very large woman was muttering under her breath. "You need to LEAVE him." She wasn't sure what today's topic was about, but she was fairly certain that at at least one point she would have a chance to use that line, and she wanted it to be perfect.
A very short, very round man bounded out onto the stage and the crowd went into a total frenzy. "HARRY!! HARRY!!! HARRYY!!"
Harry Springer, proud descendant of the man who had practically invented trash television, waved to everyone.
"Hello, and good afternoon. Welcome to the Harry Springer Show. Today's topic is 'Don't TOUCH my man.' We're going to speak to couples who say their lives would be absolutely perfect if others weren't always trying to split them apart. Please welcome our first guests: Alice and Perfect Sausage Yuy!"
The audience stomped and burst into wolf whistles as Alice and Perfect Sausage took the stage, followed very closely by Heero and Duo. Alice was wearing a garish red wig and a tight spandex halter top. Perfect Sausage was wearing a tiny Budweiser tee-shirt.
"Welcome." Harry nodded as they both sat down. "Alice, why don't you begin?"
"Well, Harry." Alice said in a squeaky falsetto. "Perfect Sausage and I, well, it was just love at first sight with us. I knew the minute I saw him that none of the pricks in my past mattered; he was the only one for me. We've been married about two months now."
"Are you happy in your marriage, Perfect Sausage?" Harry asked.
"Oh, yeah." Perfect Sausage gushed in a deep Southern drawl. "She's my little queen bee and I'm her big daddy. We've as happy as pigs in a mud puddle, Alice and me."
The audience sighed happily.
"YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM!" the large woman demanded.
"So what seems to be the problem?" Harry pressed.
"Well, Harry." Alice sighed. "Perfect Sausage had a friend. Now they were just friends, but she thought it should have been more. She can't accept the fact that he's married to ME. She calls us day and night; she shows up at the door unannounced. We can't prove it but we're SURE she even threw a brick through the bedroom window on our wedding night."
"Well, why don't we see what she has to say about this? Please welcome Peacestick Peacecraft."
The audience booed and hissed.
Relena Peacecraft walked out onto the stage wearing a very large strap-on dildo. The dildo had on too much eyeshadow and lipstick, and was clad in a tiny leather top. Red stilettos had been painted on near the base.
Alice screamed out in anger and ran across the stage dragging Duo behind her. Peacestick rushed to meet her and they fenced angrily for several minutes until security pulled them apart. Peacestick's lipstick was smeared and her halter was hanging half off.
"HARRY HARRY HARRY!" The crowd stomped.
The guests took their seats again.
"Look at her." Alice gestured. "She is SO fake it makes me sick."
"You're just jealous because you KNOW you haven't got what I've got." Peacestick jeered.
"I did, but the doctor gave me some medicine and cleared it up." Alice yelled back.
Peacestick lunged for Alice again and Duo and Relena held the girls back. Duo held Alice back for so long that Heero cleared his throat. Duo released Alice, blushing. Alice was blushing as well.
"Perfect Sausage, would you like to say anything to Peacestick?"
"Look here, darlin'. Now you're a cute enough girl to go out and nab any boy you want. But this one is already taken. Alice and me are real happy together, and I ain't about to leave her. So ya'll need to quit callin' us and being rude like. Throwin' bricks through a window? Girl, that's just plain loco."
"I love you." Peacestick whined. "And I'll never give up on us. I know we can be together."
Harry faced the audience. "When we come back, we'll meet Rosebud, who's in the middle of a messy threesome right now and his partners say it's time for him to pick one or the other. Stay tuned for more."
End Part 1
(:./lasha/alice4)
