11-Mar-2000
revised: 02-Mar-2002
Title: To Make A Difference
Author: Ebonydove
Pairings: 1+2
Disclaimer: I in no way own any rights to the characters from GW. That
remains the privilege of Bandai and other such affiliates. No money being made
here.
Warnings: language, sap, and suicide overtones
Quatre kept his eyes reassuring as well as his distance. Everyone knew Duo was going to crack soon but they had all hoped that it would be Heero, not Quatre who had to confront the stressed out pilot when it happened. Trowa was poised outside the door ready to strike the moment Quatre signaled him, as Wufei waited tensely at the bottom of the stairs for Heero's arrival. The entire time they both could hear the bitter conversation going on in the room between Duo and Quatre. "That's not true, Duo and you know it." Quatre's voice was stern as he watched Duo raise the gun again to his head.
Wide indigo eyes were tearless as they scanned the room. "Don't presume to tell me what I know to be the truth, isn't." He took a deep breath and refocused on Quatre. "Why can't you just accept that this is how it needs to be?" His tone was almost sympathetic, seeing Quatre so obviously upset by his recent behavior. But it had been a long time building.
"No it doesn't." Quatre eased forward another step, stopping immediately as Duo cocked the hammer.
"Don't move another step, Q. I can't do this while you're looking at me." Duo shut his eyes tight and leaned back against the wall. "Please... please, Q, just go. Turn around and walk out the door. I promise I won't do it over your Oriental rug." He shrugged to the rolled carpet pressed against the far wall. "See, I rolled it up so it's out of the way."
"How very fucking considerate of you." Quatre hissed back at him.
"Now, Snowflake, don't get angry. I didn't want to splatter my brains all over it. I know it was a gift from Trowa." Duo's eyes softened a bit as a small smile crept across his face and the grip on the gun eased.
Quatre's face softened too as he looked at the rug, then back to Duo. He looked so lost, so fragile, it was so alien to everything Duo ever was and it scared him to death. "Duo, we have all been through a great deal. I won't pretend to know what's going on with you, but we are all here to help you get through it."
"Fuck off, Q." Duo replied mockingly letting a bitter, choking laugh escape his lips.
"I mean it, and I know I speak for the others too."
"Q, you should never act as a mouthpiece for anyone. You're too smart for that. Think for yourself, I'd hate to get you mixed up with Relena." He laughed again, more forced than before and rubbed the barrel of the gun against his temple.
"Duo, I can't help you if you won't tell me what's going on."
"Come on Snowflake, I'm really tired of this debate. If you don't go, I'm gonna do it in front of you, and you'll never be able to sleep again with that vision in your head. Believe me I know what I speak of. So, I'm asking you again, please go."
Downstairs Wufei lunged at the door as Heero burst through it. "It's about fucking time you got here Yuy!"
"Where is he?" He asked as he took the stairs two at a time with Wufei on his heels.
"Upstairs in Quatre's room."
"Where's Quatre and Trowa?" At the top of the stairs they stopped and peered down the long hallway that led to the bedrooms.
"They are up there with him. He's gone off the deep end, Yuy."
"Not exactly." Heero began moving slowly trying not too make a lot of noise as he walked and kept Wufei behind him.
"But it's been weeks, he's been fine... well as fine as Maxwell gets, anyway." Wufei grumbled keeping his weapon poised.
"No, Wufei, he hasn't been fine for quite some time."
Heero reached the doorway with Wufei in tow seeing Trowa outside the room. Even Trowa seemed more concerned than usual, letting the tension seep from his body language and float in the hall like a lead balloon. He stood prepared with his gun drawn, ready to jump through the doorway if Duo moved toward the window, the door, or Quatre.
Duo was leaning against the far wall casually, as if he and Quatre where just chit-chatting, except for his black 9 mm pointed at his head at an angle that promised the most damage if fired. With a few hand signals to Wufei and Heero, Trowa relayed that Duo even put a silencer on his gun so as not to be heard ending his life.
Heero heard Duo suddenly start shouting at Quatre from within the confines of the tiny room and moved to step in front of Trowa to enter the room and confront his partner. But Trowa grabbed his sleeve and shook his head. Quatre seemed to be making progress. "Don't you dare say that it wasn't my fault, Quatre! Don't you fuckin' dare!"
"How could you possibly know it would turn out that way, Duo? I know you have an uncanny sixth sense, but you're not clairvoyant!"
"It doesn't matter. It still happened. I'm still responsible. Forty fuckin' women and children are dead because of me!"
"Did you aim at them? Did you want to destroy them? Sweet Allah, Duo, did you even know they were there until after it happened?""
"I... it doesn't... I... just go!" He screamed as his hand began to shake slightly from the building tension. "Quatre, they were little kids. They had just started their lives and I took that away from them. It doesn't matter that they weren't supposed to be there, they were and I killed them! There's nothing you can say to make me change my mind. I'm doing this with you standing there or not. But I much prefer it if you would just FUCKING LEAVE!"
"If you admit to me that you have nothing left to live for, that you're a complete waste of a human being, then not only will I let you die, I pull the damn trigger for you!" Quatre was screaming now as he slowly and methodically inched his way forward.
Duo's face suddenly broke into a wide grin as he cocked his head to one side. "Think you're so clever? I warned you. Take another step, Snowflake, and I'll kill us both." He was dead serious making Quatre stop frozen in his tracks registering the cold, calculating voice of Shinigami. The indigo eyes darkened as they watched Quatre pause. He aimed the gun now at Quatre's head, trigger cocked and face determined.
That was all it took for Trowa. He slid around the door with his gun aimed at Duo, eyes blazing. "Do you really think killing Quatre is going to ease your pain?"
"Shit Trowa. You too? This isn't a fuckin' party, man." Duo dropped the gun to his side and let out a sigh of resignation. Wufei and Heero crept silently into the room behind Trowa, whose gun was still aimed at point blank range at Duo's head.
"You didn't answer his question, Maxwell." Wufei stood next to Heero face grim as he watched Duo's fingers twitch against the trigger.
He smiled warmly at Quatre and dropped his eyes from the piercing green ones. He looked completely defeated as he slowly sunk to the floor resting his elbows on his knees and hanging his head in shame. "No, Quatre doesn't deserve to die. I do."
Trowa lowered his gun as Heero stepped in front of them. He paused and put a hand on Quatre's shoulder and with a nod of mutual understanding, the blonde crept back towards Wufei, Trowa and the door. Wufei and Trowa decided to let Heero deal with Duo and with a sad sigh from Quatre, they closed the door softly behind them.
"Go away, Heero. If it makes you feel more secure, then take the gun." Without looking up, he tossed it at Heero, who caught it effortlessly. "I don't have it in me to die right now anyway."
Heero looked at him as his own memories and emotions swelled and raged within. He was no stranger to loss and doubt, remorse, guilt, fury, denial, self-loathing; these feelings were nothing new for him. But as he stood over Duo's slim form, he saw those emotions reflected back to him from Duo and it shook his very soul.
"Duo, I know what your feeling, because I've felt it too."
"Please Heero, no more pep talks, okay? I just lost to Quatre's, I don't have it in me to lose to you."
"It wasn't your intention to kill them."
"And it wasn't your intention to kill that little girl and her puppy either, so what's your point?" He hissed bitterly, still not meeting Heero's penetrating gaze. He heard the soft intake of air and realized he hit the Wing pilot where it hurt. The second the words fell from his lips he wished he could take them back, but they hung there, bitter and cruel. Once again lashing out at the people who dared to get to close to him. "Heero, I'm... I... "
"Don't apologize. You're right." Heero's voice was soft, causing Duo's eyes to look up at him and meet the piercing gaze at last. "I understand your pain, because it is so similar to mine."
Heero moved to sit next to Duo on the floor and leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes and resting his arms on his knees.
Duo watched him ease to the floor gracefully, in one fluid movement, firm muscle sliding underneath sun-kissed skin. Dark locks tossed carelessly back framed his angelic face, even making the ever-present scowl look beautiful. They sat for a while in silence, nothing but the sound of soft breath in the quiet room, before Duo spoke. "I guess I owe everyone an apology."
"You don't owe me anything."
"I especially owe you. You've always been there to watch my back. I'm sorry, man. I just wanted to make a difference. I didn't want to kill everyone. I... I mean I meant to destroy the Oz base, complete the mission, but they were just kids." Duo stared at his hands and studied the tiny lines that ran across them. He wanted to tell Heero that he was wrong, that if he owed anyone anything, he owed Heero. He was about to tell the Wing pilot that when Heero began speaking again.
"You said before that you wanted to make a difference. You have."
Duo turned to the quiet pilot, aggravated that he was being so kind all of the sudden. Duo would rather Heero punch him or something, for taking such a cheap shot about the little girl and her dog. After all Heero was just trying to help, in his own way. "What are you talking about?"
"You're a part of our team. A strong part of it. If you weren't important Quatre, Trowa, Wufei and I wouldn't care if you blew your brains out. We'd go on with our objectives. But we do care. Enough that Quatre was ready to eat a bullet for you. You do make a difference, to us."
"It doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. Then when I think I'm doing something that will eventually save lives and help bring peace to the colonies I'm reminded that I'm just a mercenary and a murderer. Quatre's a fool for caring. You all are."
"Without you, I wouldn't have found my humanity, and I wouldn't have changed my mission from destroying everything to saving it instead. That was no small task. You need to focus on the things you can change, the deaths of those people can't be undone."
"I know." Still not convinced and slightly unnerved by Heero's tenderness, he too leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.
"Duo, you keep us together. You keep the tension from eating us all alive."
"Flattery will get you everywhere, Yuy." Duo chuckled as he began to come down out of his self-imposed adrenaline haze and felt a bit more like himself.
"You're a force to be reckoned with on the battle field, and you cook a mean sloppy john."
"Okay Heero, stop. I believe you. You're right, you don't need to do the 'get Duo to feel sane thing, k?" Duo couldn't help but laugh at the thought of a guy named John slathered in a spicy, tomato-meat sauce. He turned his head to look at his partner wondering how in the world the two of them would ever make it through. "Joe. It's called a sloppy Joe. I can't believe you just tried to crack a joke, Heero. You should have let me put a bullet in my brain, it would have been faster than me dying of shock."
"You better now?" Heero punched him lightly in the arm.
"Yeah, I shouldn't get other people involved with my suicidal tendencies." Duo chuckled quietly. "I better find Quatre. I hope he's not as nice as you were. I don't think I could take it."
"Would you rather I hit you?"
"Absolutely."
"Fine."
Duo braced himself for the punch he knew was coming, hoping Heero hit him in the jaw and not the stomach when Heero leaned over and kissed him. Duo's eyes snapped open at the sudden pressure of Heero's lips against his.
Then Heero broke the kiss as suddenly as he started it, and was to his feet and to the door in moments. Turning to gaze again at the boy still shocked on the floor, he tossed the gun back at him, a slight smirk on his face where the scowl once was. "Consider yourself hit."
Duo caught the gun and watched with eyes wide in shock as Heero walked slowly from the room disappearing down the hallway. Bolting from his place on the floor he raced after him. "Heero, wait! That was a joke, right? Heero?"
fini
(:./ebony/difference)
