08-Mar-2001
Disclaimers: Well, you might be a newbie or a little forgetful, so I'll just remind you that if I owned the GW characters, Heero would've discovered his submissive side early on and Sally and Noin would've been making hot monkey love by the end of the series. Thus, we conclude that I do not own the GW characters. However, I do own the words I string together.
Warnings: Shounen ai hints. Het hints. Angsty or just honest, depending on how you look at it. Maybe both.
Notes: DEAR GOD IT FEELS GOOD TO WRITE AGAIN!!!!
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
I don't know why it always comes back to this. I try, God, I try not to do this anymore. To think about him anymore... I tried to think about someone else, anyone else, maybe two or three someone elses...
...and all he has to do is walk into the room and I am so weak.
I know I can't do this. I'm feeling it for all the wrong reasons. I always want people for the wrong reasons, you see. Once, I wanted a boy I shot on sight, because he was so determined he shone like fire. I wanted to steal that warmth from him to hold to myself in the middle of the night.
But I will not be a leech to him. It's not right, for him or me. And there was another time, when I wanted this girl, Hilde. She was great. She was so innocent. If I had her, then I could pretend I was innocent, maybe absorb a little bit of her innocence for myself. Or was it that I wanted to destroy that innocence, to make her dark like me? I still don't know what I wanted. But I knew what I was doing the whole time. So I left her in a hospital and I never looked back. I won't use her, like a towel to wipe off the blood on my hands.
Because whether it's there or not, I still spilt that blood, so all it would've accomplished was soiling a girl who'd never done anything to me, didn't really have anything to do with me.
Then again, she was a soldier. So was she as innocent as I thought her? Or was I just putting her on a pedestal, seeing her the way I wanted her to be so I could use her in the way I wanted?
I guess it doesn't matter. I haven't seen her in a year.
I haven't seen anyone in a year, actually. I figured after Heero's little bungee-jumping-without-a-cord-in-a-big-metal-suit-to-save-the- world thing that it was a good time to disappear into the streets, make some money bartending, maybe enough to get myself an apartment. Play a little skee ball, buy a little S&M porn. Be somewhere where I couldn't let my selfishness get in the way of everything anymore. If there's anything I've ever wanted, besides rewinding time and erasing the Church massacre, it's to be self-sufficient. And I've had it, almost. I was so close...
Stupid fucking punk kid in a little flaky hat got in my way. So now it's back to the wars again, as well as finding out how Sally Po got a line on me and fixing that little problem.
Another war means I get to fly.
Another war means I have to see everyone again.
See *him* again.
Which would bring me back to where we started, with me about to rendezvous with Heero and quite possibly see *him.* The boy I lo- want for the sweetest, most horrible reason of all.
I want to convince myself that I'm over it this time, that this is for a good reason, that it's true and it's not about me. That it's something nice and safe, like attraction or love or even malice.
Except that I run, I hide, but I never lie. Especially to myself. Even when I want to.
It's nothing safe, not for him. And it's not good for me, and it would be damn sick for both of us.
But I want it. His quiet... the way he looks in those tight jeans, his beauty... the way he is calm, the way he can just *be* somewhere, and not have to fill that place with noise, with anything. Old habits die hard, really. When I was a little kid, I ran to Sister Helen and her mission for comfort and safety; so I wouldn't have to think about surviving and I could just have someone take care of me. I ran to the church. Always the church. Unfortunately, it's not really accessible now, seeing as how it was blown to smithereens and all. So for the rest of my life, I've been doing the same damn thing, in slightly modified form.
There's no more church. So I run for the next best thing.
I run for sanctuary.
I want him because I don't want to think. I want to immerse myself in him and not ever come to grips with the world again. I just want to hold him, to feel that quiet love again, to be with his quiet.
To make him my haven.
No. That is not something I will make Trowa into. That's cheating. He needs real love, not a kid who's been looking for his dead family all his life. I know he's been through shit. That's part of what makes him perfect--he can understand; he would not judge me... but there are other people who love him. Really love him, like Quatre. Maybe after enough time, those two will have a shot at making it.
I will not fuck this up.
I'm not going to make Trowa a slave to my baggage, no matter how beautiful falling into him and sleeping there seems to me sometimes. No one can be another person's haven. I believe that.
Of course, I also believe that Deathscythe and I are divine gods of death. So one could possibly make an argument that my beliefs aren't reasonable.
But I will not fuck this up.
I'm not going to let myself take the easy way out. I won't allow myself sanctuary. I will find the self-sufficiency in me.
So the next time I look into those green eyes and I see what I could make him, see his quiet, I'm going to grin and walk away.
I cannot fuck this up.
It's Christmastime, and I am donning my preist's clothes and going to war.
Owari.
So, C&C? Tekka might be getting a little rusty, you know.
Tekka: ::thwap::
Cutter: Itai! Er... right. Ignore the muse. And give us feedback if you have any! Tekka loves feedback. ^____^
(:./cutter/haven)
