"It appears that Sally and I have switched bodies," said the body formerly known as Sally.
"Yes, I appear to be wearing black spandex and a green top, things which are not my colors at all," said the body formerly known as Heero.
Quatre's coffee drained out of his mouth.
Trowa's soup exploded out of his nose.
Duo began to laugh hysterically.
Wufei simply frothed at the mouth and spasmed on the floor.
"Hn. It will be hard to be in the cockpit with this body," said Heero, the woman's voice now monotonous and flat.
The expression on Heero's former face was pained but resigned. "I am still able to do many of the things I was before, but this is a problem." Then she spun around and said, "And since it's my body, you do not have my permission to self-destruct. My body's much more fragile than yours and will keel over if treated too roughly."
Sally's face scowled, then said, "I think I am internally bleeding."
Heero's head shook. "No, Heero, it's that time of the month. Come with me, I will help you take care of it."
Quatre began to choke. Trowa had a very freaked out expression on his face that was really quite astonishing to see. Duo clapped his hands to his ears and Wufei lay unconscious on the floor.
"What the hell happened?"
Heero said, "I believe it has something to do with the explosives we were trying to disarm." Then he frowned and said, "What are you wearing?"
Heero's body was now sporting a pair of black jeans, a white shirt and a little brown vest. "You really have no fashion sense. I decided to put something on that was a bit more festive."
"Hn. I wish we were the same size. I'd be wearing my spandex and green shirt."
Wufei promptly fell off his chair while Duo's face threatened to turn red from trying not to laugh. Trowa decided to go lie down on the couch until all of this was over. Quatre managed to project some calmness... for now.
"What's going to happen when there's a mission," said Sally.
"I will have to go as I am," said Heero.
Sally then said, "How about we call those doctors of yours and see if they can fix it."
Heero took out the old laptop and typed in a series of numbers. "Hmm, it looks like the doctors have decided to take the day off and won't be in until tomorrow."
"So, I have to remain a guy for today," sighed Sally.
Heero nodded, then brightened. "Come, Duo, lets have some fun."
"Eh, what?" said Duo. "Ohhhhhhhh." Sally's body grabbed him by the wrist and was pulling him towards the nearest bedroom.
"Stop, Kisama!" yelled Wufei.
Heero scowled then smiled. "I know you hate to fight women and since I'm in Sally's body, you won't fight back."
"Damn chivalry!" screamed Wufei.
"Heero," said Sally. "It's not nice to use my body like that." She tried to give him a glare, but failed. "I don't think you'd like it very much if I were to use your body that way." Then she frowned. "Damn this body, it's so full of hormones."
Duo then said, "She's right. Besides, since it's Sally's period, it's just too messy."
Heero nodded. "I see your point. But that means that there will have to be some temporary quarter reassignments for tonight. My body will sleep alone while the body I'm currently inhabiting will be with Duo."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Trowa.
Everybody stares at him.
Trowa blushed. "I'm sorry. It just slipped out."
"He's right, you know," said Quatre. "Too much can happen. Everyone should sleep in a room alone except me and my honeybuns of steel."
Sally was trying to brush the wild hair currently on top of her head. "Heero, do you mind if I go and get this hair styled. How about a layered cut with some mouse?"
"How about I cut the curls?" Heero then began playing with the curly hair, pulling then watching them snap back. "Boi-oi-oing."
Sally scowled. "Stop that. You'll straighten them. Anyway... "
There was a knock on the door. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOO! It is I, the woman you love."
Sally turned pale. "Oh, my God, it's Relena and I'm stuck in YOUR body?"
Heero smirked.
"Don't answer the door, don't answer the door," said Sally.
"Do not worry, onna, I will protect you," said Wufei, standing in front of the one who was spiritually female.
The door pounding got even more intense until Quatre said, "I can't let her break down the door. I'll have to open it."
When the door finally opened, Relena was standing with her hands on her hips. "What took you so horribly long!"
"Why is Pargan on the floor face down?"
"Oh, I just used his head as a battering ram."
Everyone sweatdropped.
"HEEEEERRROOO! OH, I wanted to see you so much. You haven't self-destructed lately, have you, my soldier of love?"
"I'm fine, go away. I'm on a mission," said Sally, who continued to hide behind Wufei.
"Why are you hiding behind Wufei?" Relena said. Then she turned around and said, "Duo, why are you groping Sally?"
"Oh, we two are a couple," said Duo, who then promptly giggled.
Heero gave him a little knock on the head but smiled, too.
Relena then turned to the object of her misguided affection and said, "Heero, why are you hiding behind Wufei?" She kept trying to go around him and latch on to him.
"You... you... mosquito! Stop bothering my woman!" said Wufei, who then promptly blushed.
"What? Your woman? Heero, what has he been doing to you?"
Quatre buried his face into a pillow to stifle his laughter. Trowa just began rocking back and forth, slapping his knee, his face so red it looked like it might explode. Wufei looked as if he wanted to swallow his tongue while Sally sweatdropped. Heero and Duo simply kept on grinning.
Sally decided to take the initiative. "Yes, I am Wufei's woman."
Wufei looked really surprised then looked back at Relena. "Yes, you must leave now."
Relena looked really pissed. She considered a cat fight, but felt constrained by the people around her. "Wufei, omae o korosu!" Then she slapped Wufei and stormed out, followed by a very woozy Pargan, stumbling after her.
Sally went up to Wufei and said, "Wow, she put some force into that. Let me get you some ice!" She left, then came back with a cold pack.
"I'm fine!" said Wufei. Then he turned to Duo and said, "You're the one who should've been slapped, not me!"
"I'm sorry, Wufei," said Sally. "But I think it was rather sweet what you said."
"Um, excuse me, I have to meditate." Then he ran to his room.
Sally sighed and said, "I'll be in the backyard reading Rose of Versailles if you want me."
Meanwhile on a nearby hill, Treize and Zechs were setting up surveillance equipment. I can't believe I'm up here helping Treize spy on them, Zechs thought. I could've gone to the movies with Noin, but noooooooooo, I have to watch bisho... Ok, maybe it's not so bad.
"Oh, look, Zechs, your fave's in the backyard."
"Heechan?" said Zechs. He picked up his binoculars. "And he's reading Rose of Versailles."
Treize picks up his binoculars and says, "Yes, what good taste he has!"
"Look! Wufei's walking out."
"Turn on the listening device!"
"I'm sorry about Relena slapping you, Wufei."
"It's not your fault. That onna is crazy."
"Oh, my God," said Treize. "Is this an ichigo romance?"
"What are you reading?"
"Rose of Versailles. It's a shojo manga. It's set during the French revolution. Marie Antoinette is in here."
"If Relena's not careful, she's going to end up like Marie Antoinette."
Sally laughed. "I guess I can't blame you for saying that after today's outburst." She reached out to his face.
Wufei turned away.
Sally sighed. "I'm sorry. It's because I'm in this body, isn't it?"
Treize sighed. "Oh, I love this shonen ai drama."
Zechs said, "Can we go now? They're not going to do anything citrusy."
"Oh, hush! I find this so poignant."
"Did you come out here to say something?" said Sally.
"I was just trying to find some place quiet to think. About what I said, about you being my woman, it just slipped out... "
Treize gasps. "A declaration of love!"
"That's all right."
"But then you said that you were... "
"Well, I was trying to get rid of Relena... and it slipped out, too."
There was a pause.
Sally sighed and said, "How about we talk more about this when everything gets back to normal? The situation's a bit... "
"Agreed." Wufei smiled and sighed in relief.
"How about we go back inside and keep on eye on what the other guys are doing? The house is too quiet and it makes me uneasy."
"You read my mind."
The two of them rush back into the house. "KISAMA!" is heard.
Treize dabs a hanky at his eyes. "I surrender my claim over Wufei to you, Heero. In this war of love, I am simply the loser."
Zechs sighs, then says, "Treize, doesn't this remind you of that one summer by the your family's beach house when we swam into that secret cave... "
"Yeah, I remember. It was the first time we kissed... "
Meanwhile, on a hill even further away from the house, Une and Noin were spying on Zechs and Treize. "Damn it!" said Une. "When are they going to break up? All they need is one good fight to bust them up!"
Noin pouts. "Well, this totally sucks! I was hoping they'd get into a huge fight over Wufei or Heero, driving the god of my idolatry into my arms."
"Well, we might as well enjoy some yaoi in the meantime. Oh, look, Noin! Spanky Treize ass!"
"I don't care about Treize's ass," snapped Noin.
"Oh, Noin, come drool! Zech's longdong is showing!"
Noin immediately picks up her binoculars.
But back at the house, Wufei had found Quatre, Trowa, Duo and Heero playing strip poker. Seeing Sally's body about to lose her shirt literally, Wufei promptly had a nosebleed then began chasing everyone around the house with his sword. Froth and Mandarin obscenities involving various parts of unsavory animals spilled out of his mouth. Only the beep-beep of Heero's laptop kept three pilots from gushing blood in copious amounts.
Heero opened up the lap top and flipped on the net. "THE DOCTORS ARE IN THE HOUSE!" yelled Dr. J, then he said, "Oh wait a minute, you're not Heero."
"Yes, I am, that's the problem. I accidentally switched bodies with Sally Po."
Sally also looked at the screen. "Yes, we were caught in the middle of an explosion when Heero was trying to prevent stuff from blowing up for once."
"Yo, G, O, get your butts here now! I got a major problem!"
G and O walk to the monitor, both of them holding a glass of beer. "What's up, J?"
Jay quickly explained the problem.
G scratched his mushroom head and said, "In these situations, there are three solutions according to the laws of this universe. Number one, both of you have a near death experience, and hopefully when you get back from the tunnel to the afterlife, you'll land in the right body."
"That's a terrible solution," said Sally.
"Ok, how about this one? Another explosion should cause another switchover, causing things to go back to normal."
Quatre frowned. "Uh, how does that differ from the first one?"
"Hopefully, you don't go near the tunnel, but simply to the hospital."
"Third solution," said Trowa.
"Third solution is that the affected parties have nooky."
"Say what?" said Duo.
"You heard me right. Um, why are Wufei's eyes glowing red? O, you didn't screw with his genetic code, did you?" the J-man said.
"No, man."
"Then I'm glad I'm on this side of the screen."
"NO NOOKY," snapped Wufei.
"I don't want my Heechan with anyone else," said Duo.
Sally and Heero stare at them. Heero said, "Don't we get a say in this? It would only take a few minutes... "
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Trowa.
Everybody stares at him.
"What is wrong with you, my tiramisu," said Quatre.
"It just slipped out. I don't know what's wrong with me," said Trowa. "I'm usually much calmer than this."
"Well, you figure out what method you're going to use, ok?"
"Where the hell were you guys, anyway?" said Duo.
Professor G smiles, "We broke the banks of five different casinos and outplayed some card sharks. How else do you think we get the money to make those suits of yours?"
Everybody facevaults.
Heero grabs Sally by the wrist and said, "Let's do the non-lethal option. We'll be back in a few hours."
"Hours?" snapped Duo.
"Hours? I meant minutes," said Heero.
Wufei blocks their way with his sword.
Heero simply smirks and says, "Oh, yeah, right. Who are you going to stab?"
Wufei starts to cry, then brightens. "Duo!"
"Hey, I'm on your side on this debate, fool!" Duo snapped.
"Who are you calling a fool?"
Quatre raises his hands and says the inevitable. "We shouldn't fight each other!"
Wufei then turns to Quatre and says, "Well, what would you do if Trowa switched places with someone?"
"I would insist on watching!"
Who knew Quatre was such a hentai, thought Duo.
"That is unacceptable! That is unacceptable!" Wufei says. "The only one who gets to see Sally naked will be me when I get around to it."
Heero was about to open his mouth when he saw Duo shake his head. Getting Wufei even more riled up was a very bad idea.
Sally sighed and said, "Fine, we'll skip the nooky option even though the other options could potentially lead to our demise! Happy?"
Both Duo and Wufei cry tears of relief and joy and do the happy, happy hamster dance.
Sally turns to Heero and says, "I don't think they really heard what I said."
"Hn."
Dr. J coughs and says, "Hee-man, I got a mission that's right up your alley. Blow up a munitions depo on an OZ base fifty miles south of your present position. That should do the trick."
"All right, I get to see the tunnel again," said Heero joyously.
Sally begins to sweatdrops.
Trowa then says, "Oh, I finally figured why I'm acting the way I am." He takes out a white bottle. "My prescription Prohalcydol's expiration date was a month ago. No wonder it's not working... I must go get a refill quickly."
"What does that stuff do?"
"It keeps my mood steady. The unfortunate side effect is that it cuts your sexual desire in half."
Quatre takes the bottle and stamps it into pieces.
Sally was riding in Heavy Arms that Trowa had graciously lent her. He then did a spontaneous dance, which featured his tight little booty. Quatre smiled at what the lack of medication did to Trowa. Heero was riding in his own Gundam.
"So, we have a huge boom, hope it doesn't kill us, and leave," said Sally.
"The Manganacs are waiting to hustle us off to the hospital once our mission is done."
So, they sneaked unto the base. Sally gripped the controls and shot a few shells at the munitions depo. Unfortunately, they didn't know that some nutcase was also storing a major batch of illegal fireworks and private stash of explosives as well, so the explosion was even bigger than anticipated. That is why both Sally and Heero saw the tunnel.
"Wheee!" said Heero.
"Oh, crap!" said Sally.
They arrived at the end of the tunnel where there was a young girl with purple eyes and a puppy standing in the middle of a beautiful field of tall grass. She looked very cross and said, "Again? How many times have I told you not to blow yourself up!"
Sally said, "We weren't trying to die, just switch our bodies since we got in the wrong ones."
Heero said, "See... "
The little girl sighed then looked at Sally, then turns around and yells, "Meiran, there's someone you should see."
A Chinese girl with long black hair appeared, dressed in loose pants and a white top. "Oh, so you're the woman dating my ex."
"You're the girl that Wufei was married to. . ."
There is an uncomfortable silence.
Meiran then says, "How is the baka anyway?"
"He's as well as can be expected."
"Is he still stubborn and thinks only he can decide what's right and wrong?"
"Yeah."
"That moron," said Meiran. "I just can't believe he named the Gundam Nataku." The wistfulness in her voice belied the scolding words.
This is so unbelievably awkward, thought Sally.
Another uncomfortable pause.
"I don't blame you for getting involved with him. Wufei needs someone to look out for him and I'm not in a place to help him right now, am I? Besides, I can't expect him to be alone for, well, another sixty years. It's unfair. Anyhow, I think he likes you."
"You think so?"
"Yeah, what you saw today is about as romantic as he gets though. Still want the job?"
"Yes, I do."
Meanwhile, Heero was talking to the little girl. "You're not supposed to cross the tunnel until you're much older! Think about Duo, for Heaven's sake. There're so many things you have to do! I know you've managed to come back from the tunnel about twenty times, but one of these days you're going to end up stuck here, then what are you going to do!"
Heero's face was contrite. "I'm sorry."
While the little girl was chastising Heero, Meiran and Sally were chatting about Wufei. "He still does that nosebleed thing?"
Sally nodded her head. "Yup!"
"Last time I checked on him, he was still down in the dumps about being whipped by Treize."
"Yup!"
"Damn that boy! He still holds grudges." Meiran sighed, then said, "He can't change, can he?"
"Oh, I think he can, but I think it'll be at his own pace, nobody else's."
"I guess you're right. Still what he said today, he wouldn't have said before."
"There's still hope."
Both of them smile at each other.
Meiran said, "I'll be reincarnated in a few more years. Maybe we'll meet again though neither of us will know it. Take good care of him." With that, everything became fuzzy and they were going back down the tunnel.
Sally opened her eyes to see Wufei eating a chicken salad sandwich by her bed. "Wufei?"
"Sally? You're awake?" He put down the sandwich and wiped the mayo from his mouth. "Oh, I thought you were never going to wake up. Um, you are Sally, right?"
"Yes, Wufei." Sally sat up and winced. She had some bruises but was miraculously in one piece.
"HEECHAN!" was heard from another room.
"Looks like Heero's back in his body as well," said Sally.
"I'm glad," said Wufei.
Sally looked at the pot of flowers by the bed. "Thanks for the flowers."
Wufei toyed with his ponytail self-consciously. "It's nothing."
"HEEEERRRROOOOOOO! I heard you were injured! Let me comfort you!" Sally and Wufei rolled their eyes in unison as Relena barged into their room with a gun. "Wufei Chang... Hey, this isn't Heero's room!"
"Of course not, I was waiting for Sally to wake up!"
Relena blinked and said, "I see! You are a philanderer! I will rat on you to Heero and then he will be mine!"
Sally and Wufei sweatdropped as Relena ran out.
Wufei then turned to Sally and said, "Want a sandwich?"
"There's no weird stuff like raisins in it, is there?"
"Absolutely not."
"I'll have one."
Relena then barged into Quatre and Trowa's room. Quatre was in bed, not because he was sick but because he had always wanted to do it in a hospital room. Trowa, fully unmedicated, was dancing in tight black jeans, black boots, a fishnet sleeveless shirt and a policeman's cap using an IV stand as a prop to dance around and straddle between his two legs. He did the splits standing up, shook his tush and made suggestive motions with his hips while Quatre was singing the following song:
He's a very kinky boy
The kind you don't take home to father
He'll never let your spirits down
Once you get him off the streetHe's all right,
He's all right
The boy's all right with me
Yeahhhhhh.
He's a super freak,
superfreak,
oh, superfreaky, yow!
Relena, utterly scandalized, ran out of there. She burst into Heero's room and saw the bed was empty. "Where could he have gone? Perhaps he will respond if I ask him to come back and kill me."
Meanwhile in the distance, two bishonens with helicopter sticks sailed off into the sunset.
The End
(:./mk/switch)
