"Now that the 'satellite' and the 'muppets' have been towed away, the roof repaired and my co-announcer back from a week in the quiet valley, we can now go back to our usual madness. Lets read some letters. I will start."
"WANT, MUST HAVE SHINIGAMI PLUSHIE!!!! From the Steak meister." read Sally. "Ugh, there's drool all over this letter." She quickly threw it away in the garbage.
Wufei took out a letter. "Instead of wrestling, how about simply running an hour's worth of Barton jeans commercials mixed in with any other products endorsed by the Trowa. From the Harem Master. What! Am I not worthy of an hour's worth of viewing!"
Sally said, "Oh, I think so, but there's no accounting for taste. Oh, here's one. Dear Sally, please, please, please create a hunky calendar of Shinigami, Pierrot, Soldier Boy, the Boy Scout, the Prince of Pain, Captain Sword and Zechs Marquise. Preferably clothing optional with lots of... I can't read the rest of this! Signed, Evil Lady." Sally raised an eyebrow and said, "You truly deserve that name! I have a small announcement to make. Today, my co-announcer and I will be interviewing the managers of the various wrestlers today. They may know things about your favorite wrestlers that you didn't know before. Our first interviewee is Mariemeia Khushrenada!"
The red-haired woman walked out unto the stage.
"You can walk?" said Sally.
"Well, Une stole my wheelchair. I had no choice. Une, give me back my father!" She then starts to grimace scarily at the camera. "I am Queen of the Universe! Everybody must all bow down to me!"
"Commercial time," yelled Sally as she brought out the tranquilizer gun.
Commercial
"Love Barton jeans? We've come out with a calendar that has shots of your favorite Barton jeans model, the Trowa. Look at the Buttmeister as he poses in various Barton products like jeans, swimwear, undies and vests." The cover of the calendar shows Trowa in black denim short shorts and various shots of the inside calendar are shown. "Also has never-before seen pictures from our 'Insanity' perfume campaign with Ralph and Quatre that were just too hot to make it to prime time." The slogan "He is beautiful, surrender to him" flashes across the screen. Suddenly there's the sound of drooling.
"Ugh, stop drooling."
"Please, lets run that commercial again!"
"No!"
"Oh, the pretty lights, ahhhh," says Mariemeia as she lies on a stretcher, wearing a straightjacket, up to her gills with happy medicine. Two orderlies take her away.
"Damn, I broke a nail," says Sally. "Oh, well."
Wufei looks at the prompter and reads, "Our next interviewee is Une... Ahhhhh, that onna!"
"Chill, baby! I will ask the questions."
Une walks in and sits down, looking very happy. "I am so glad you asked me to be on."
"How did you become the manager of the top female wrestling tag team?"
"I was already manager of Dorothy. She and I knew each other because we both know Captain Sword-sama. She'd seen me negotiate on behalf of a former client of mine and liked my style of blowing away the competition. When Catherine came on aboard, well, I found someone who was straightforward and fought well. I love talented people!"
"Tell us more about Captain Sword."
Sparkles and flowers come out of nowhere. "He and I are happily living together in my mansion. It was a shock to see him resurrected. That Mariemeia is a pretender... The only children he's going to have is with me," she cooed. "He will, with my help, become the top wrestler of GWWF. It is only a matter of time."
Both Wufei and Sally sweatdrop. They decide not to mention the positive results of Mariemeia and Captain Sword's genetic testing. I hope Sword donated at a sperm bank, thought Sally. Or he's going to get it.
"I hate to mention this," said Sally.
"Go on, right ahead."
"How about persistent rumors about Captain Sword and Zechs, formerly known as the Masked Avenger?"
"What rumors?'
"That they are ya... "
Une put on her glasses and yelled, "Lies, lies, all lies! I will destroy anyone who continues to spread rumors like that! Treize-sama is mine!" Then she took off her glasses and said in her soft voice, "I'm sorry, what was the question?"
"Uh, never mind. Anything you can share about your clients' personal lives?"
"Both Dorothy and Catherine are available, but you must meet with my approval first! Treize-sama, of course, is devoted only to me."
"I congratulate you on your success," said Sally. They shake hands.
Wufei said nothing as Une left the stage, smiling. He was too afraid.
"Our next interviewees are Sylvia Noventa, manager of Soldier Boy and Hilde Scheibeker, manager of Shinigami."
Both women sit down.
"These two wrestlers are the most popular among the GWWF. To what do you attribute their popularity?" asks Sally.
"Well, probably because they don't wait to get a room," giggled Hilde.
Sylvia nudges Hilde in the ribs. "Don't say it like that."
"It's their just do it attitude."
"Hilde!"
"Any truth to rumors of those two being involved."
Sylvia sighed, "Things have gone well beyond the rumors stage."
"How did you meet these guys?"
Hilde says, "Well, he was a friend of mine in high school. He was always getting into trouble. I had bail him out of trouble a lot, but I could tell he was a good guy with a lot of energy."
Sylvia said, "There was an accident where he totaled my car. I wanted to kill him, but I ended up just yelling at him and telling him what an idiot he was. He was so sorry afterwards. He was determined to pay me back no matter what. Odd guy, but cool."
"Any truth to talk that those two will become a tag team."
"Talks are in preliminary stages," said Sylvia.
"I heard that Zechs has a vendetta against Soldier Boy. Do you know the source of that vendetta?" said Wufei.
"Oh, I wouldn't call it a vendetta. I'd call it a crush," said Hilde.
"Hilde!"
"Ok, Ok."
"We have to go and check on their training," said Sylvia.
Sylvia and Hilde shake the announcers' hands and leave.
Wufei then announced, "After this commercial break, you will see the triumphant victory of the Boy Scout once he has mastered and overcome his arch nemesis Captain Sword!"
"Overcome," giggled Hilde, backstage.
Commercial
"Watch the new show called Buttmeister, er, Beastmaster. The King of the Jungle, Nanashi, is raised by animals and communicates with them telepathically." A shot of Trowa, all muscular, is shown wearing nothing but a loincloth, well, actually a mini loincloth running with wild abandon through the jungle. He is followed by an entire pride of lions. Despite the obvious humidity, his bang shows no signs of wilting. "A millionaire, Quatre Winner of the Winner Enterprises, has decided to capture this elusive man. Will he succeed? What is his purpose in doing so? Watch Buttmaster on Channel L3 at 8:00 p.m."
"IT'S BEASTMASTER, NOT BUTTMASTER!"
"Then what's with all those close-ups of his... never mind."
"Hi, this is Meiran and I'm part of the law firm of Nataku. If you have an injustice, come to us and we will kick and litigate that crap out of anyone who treats you unfairly! It is our firm's sole purpose to punish wrongdoers and protect the innocent. It doesn't matter how large and overpowering your opponent is, we will take any case as long as right is on our side. My number is 1-555-JUS-TICE!"
"Gee, Trowa, what next, floss?" said Sally. "I'm sorry, but I've just been informed that there will be a small delay before the fight between Captain Sword and the Boy Scout. While they are preparing, I will interview Catherine, manager of the Pierrot!"
"Damn it," said Dorothy backstage. "When is Captain Sword going to get out of his bath?"
"Probably after Une has rinsed him off with her tongue," said Catherine.
Both women giggle. Catherine then runs on-camera and sits down.
"Good day, Sally."
"Good day, Catherine. I understand you have been his manager since the beginning."
"Of course, I am his sister and must look out for him. I'm the one who has his best interests at heart. After all, who was the one who took care of him that time he lost his memory in that horrid exploding turnbuckle incident? Who?"
"Ne-san, can we not rehash that horrible incident again?" said the Pierrot. "It gives me a headache just thinking about it."
"It makes me mad just thinking about it," said Catherine, her eyes flashing. "Ah, is that the Prince of Pain standing next to you? You threw the turnbuckle... You must die!" She picked up a chair and ran after the fleeing Prince of Pain as if she wanted to demonstrate what pain was on him.
"Stop, Catherine!" yelled Pierrot. "It wasn't his fault! Are you listening, ne-san? Come back!"
Sally touched her brow with handkerchief, then said, "Oh, I hear Captain Sword is in the ring."
Captain Sword looked happy to be in the ring once again. "At last, I meet my long time nemesis. Oh, I have been joyously anticipating this moment for months!" His teeth glint just so.
Une is smiling besides the ring. "At least the world will see the might that is Captain Sword-sama."
"That's not the Boy Scout, that's Nataku!" cried Captain Sword as Nataku jumped into the ring.
"You are the hussy that broke up my marriage. In the name of Justice," said Nataku to Captain Sword. "I will punish you." Ha, my Justice aura is so strong that his nose is bleeding already, she thought.
Damn that man, thought Une as she put on her glasses. He's so turned on by homicidal nutcases who go on and on about what is right and wrong. That is such a bad fetish.
"You are the hussy that broke up my marriage?" repeats Sally. "Where the heck is Wufei, anyway?" She leaves her announcer's chair to go look for him.
She ran backstage into the dressing room and found him asleep with a teacup in his hand. "Someone must've drugged him. I'll give him something to counteract the sedative." She gave him a shot.
Wufei woke up and murmured, "Onna, I forbid you to go fight... " Then he truly wakes up. "What? I should be in the ring... "
"Someone drugged you."
"It was my ex. She said that she wanted Justice from Captain Sword. But it's MY JUSTICE! Only I can give him the justice he so truly deserves!" With that, Wufei ran out.
"O----Kay," says Sally. She went back to her announcer's chair to watch what would happen.
"What are you doing? Let go of him," said Meiran.
Une was restraining Captain Sword by grabbing him underneath his arms and over his shoulders. "Treize-sama, I must warn you if your hands go anywhere near her chest area, I will put you in the dungeon all day tomorrow. Do you understand me?"
Captain Sword went pale. "But Une, this is wrestling."
"Keep that in mind."
"Ah, the Boy Scout is coming."
"I will again remind you that if you hands go anywhere near his crotch area, I will put you in the dungeon all day the following day."
"Une, you are so mean to me! Don't you trust me?" pouted Treize.
"Oh, Sword-sama, please don't take it like that. I just don't want you to be distracted by their wiles. I want you to fight as elegantly as you did before."
"Thank you, I will keep that in mind."
"Now dab your nose as it's making a mess," she said as she handed him a handkerchief.
Meanwhile Wufei aka the Boy Scout jumped in and started yelling at Meiran aka Nataku aka Justice aka Wufei's ex. "Woman, what did I tell you about this fight? And why did you drug my tea?"
"I wanted to show everyone a real fight, not something disgraceful like what happened with Shinigami and Soldier Boy!"
Hilde yelled, "It wasn't disgraceful, it was delicious!"
"Out of the ring!"
"No!"
Meanwhile, Treize was sitting on a turnbuckle, drinking tea. "Sword-sama, aren't you going to attack them?" said Une.
"While they're fighting each other? No, I shall wait until one of them kicks the other out, then I will handle whoever is left."
"A most excellent idea."
Wufei projects a purple aura while Meiran projects a green one.
"Who's going to win?" said Professor G.
"Always bet on the blue one," said Dr. J.
"But neither of them are blue."
"Damn."
Relena the referee says, "One of you must leave now. This is not a tag team event."
"OH, BE QUIET, ONNA!" chorus both Meiran and Wufei, who then glare at each other for saying the same thing at the same time.
Relena yelled, "You will do as I say." Suddenly a large pink aura appeared around her.
"EWWWWW!" said Dorothy. "A PINK aura?" I know that woman has very little taste, but a PINK aura?
Dr. J flips through the book of auras and says, "A pink aura is the ultimate in evil auras. Oh, oh." Professor G and Dr. J hold each in fright before letting go out of each other when they realize how squicky that is.
Meiran and Wufei turn to each and say, "PINK AURA?"
Treize says, "You have to combine your auras to defeat this menace!"
Wufei turns to him and screams, "Don't tell me what to do!"
"Yeah, I'm going to come up with a plan, not you!" yells Meiran.
Treize cries. They're so cute when they act so stuckup, he thought.
Relena tried using her aura to blast Meiran out of the ring because she wasn't supposed to be there. However, her aim was horribly atrocious and it blasted the turnbuckle that Treize was sitting on, nearly taking out Une in the process. Treize jumped unto another turnbuckle, not a hair out of place.
Une started to glow as well. A growl emanated from the bottom of her diaphragm and came out of her mouth at such a frequency that it vibrated the mat that all the wrestlers were standing on.
"You know what too many auras do... " said Master O.
All the doctors scuttled out of the arena.
Une, Meiran and Wufei try to take out Relena by sending a blast of their aura at her. Unfortunately, the interaction of their auras causes a very bad reaction. Namely, it causes a huge explosion that causes the roof to collapse and buries everything in the vicinity of the ring.
Wufei digs himself out and begins digging Meiran out.
"MEIRANNNNN!!!" he yells at the girl, whose eyes are closed.
She opens her eys and snaps, "Stop making so much noise, I'm alive!"
Wufei huffed, "No wonder I divorced you!"
"No, I divorced YOU!"
"Mei-chan, Wu-chan, you're all right!" cried Treize as he hugged them both from behind.
"KISAMA!" they yell.
Meanwhile, Une was carted off to the hospital in a coma. Relena, as always, wanders about, unfazed and unhurt.
Sally looked at the camera and said, "Well, we were scheduled to interview Howard, Zechs's Marquise's manager; however we've run out of time. Come back next week for more insanity." She waves at the camera.
The End
(:./mk/gwwf4)
