16-Jan-2002
See Part 1 for all disclaimers, warnings, and whatnot
"I'm his fucking partner! I would have known if he was on assignment!"
"Duo, you have to calm down." Quatre put a hand on my shoulder.
I knocked him away.
"Quatre," Trowa said gently when Quatre tried to approach me again.
I flashed the taller man a grateful look, running my hands over my hair and slicking back my sweaty bangs. "Just-- Christ, just give me a second, okay?" I was shaking. I felt everything that had debilitated me enough to bring me to Heero's door crashing back and I couldn't focus on anything.
"That can't be Heero," I rasped. "It's the only explanation. Whoever is in there is not Heero. Because the real Heero was with me in his apartment when Wufei called." I looked up at Quatre, almost pleading with him. "He was with me!"
"Oh, Duo." Quatre took hold of my hands, pulling them away from my arms where I was digging my nails into the skin without even realizing it.
I looked down at the insides of my arms, where bright red half moons were just beginning to form.
"You're freezing," Quatre said, rubbing my hands between his. He looked to Trowa. "I think he's in shock."
I yanked my hands away, took two steps back from them. "I'm not in--"
A nurse walking by looked at me sternly and I lowered my voice. "I'm not in fucking shock. And don't talk about me like I'm not here."
Quatre eyes gleamed with hurt and anger and he said softly, "Duo, we're worried about Heero, too."
Wufei appeared from around the corner. "We can see him now."
Trowa nodded to Wufei and put his hand to the small of Quatre's back, guiding him around the corner to Heero's room. I didn't miss the look the two of them exchanged.
Wufei blocked my path, forcing me to look at him. "Duo. You need to be calm. For Heero and for the rest of us."
"I am calm, Wufei. I just don't really know what's going on." I twisted my braid between my fingers, tugging sharply on it.
The other man frowned. "I know what you think happened this morning. But, Duo, listen to what you're saying."
"I have to listen? I am listening. The problem is that none of you are." I laughed harshly, a hysterical giggle catching in my throat. "How can this have happened?"
"That's what we're trying to find out." He took my hand and squeezed. "Come now."
I dug my heels against the slick floor, and Wufei stopped when he felt my dead weight. "Wait, before we go in there, please tell me you believe me, Wu."
He looked at me silently, his brow furrowed and his jaw clenched tight.
I smiled thinly. "It's okay. I don't think I would believe me, either." Then, before I could stop myself, "But I would have believed you."
"Duo--"
I pulled my hand away and walked ahead of him to Heero's -- or whoever's -- room.
I haven't cried in a long time. The last time tears came to my eyes was probably when I realized the war was over in 195, and I think then I managed to convince myself that it was the reflection of the sun off of the earth that made my eyes water.
I wanted to cry then, seeing Heero attached to all those tubes and monitors. I wanted to cry for all the things I never said to him; I wanted to cry for not believing I would ever get to say all of those unsaid things.
They always say people look like they're just asleep when they're in a coma. Heero didn't. He looked like he was in a coma. He looked like he would have been dead if it weren't for the machine forcing air into and out of his lungs.
Trowa was standing next to him, brushing limp bangs back from his pale face. Quatre now stood with his hand on Trowa's back, rubbing it in slow circles.
I leaned against the wall next to the door, not willing to accept that it was Heero lying in that bed. I knew if I went over there I would smell his familiar scent, see the little scars on his forehead that only I've looked closely enough to notice.
Wufei entered behind me, but knew enough to not say anything to me. He took Heero's chart down from the foot of the bed and frowned. I couldn't tell if it was just his 'I'm thinking' frown, or if it was the 'something's wrong' frown.
I clenched my hands tight and crossed my arms, tucking my fists into my armpits. I could still feel them shaking violently through my ribcage.
"What does it say?" Trowa was the one to break the silence, and I noticed that his hand was still on Heero's forehead, his body curved ever so slightly towards him.
My hands curled even tighter into themselves.
"I think we should wait for his doctor to tell us." Wufei's frown intensified and he returned the chart to its peg.
"Goddammit, what does it say?" I burst out.
Quatre took a step towards me but again Trowa held him back. The smaller man looked like he was in pain, not being able to help me.
"If he wakes up, he will most likely be paralyzed." Wufei didn't pull any punches, looked me straight in the eye.
"If he wakes up," I repeated slowly.
"The bullet lodged in his spine. They were able to remove it and his spinal cord wasn't severed, but..."
"But." I thought of Heero never walking again. I thought of Heero never kicking me under the table at Preventers meetings again. I thought of Heero never opening his eyes ever again, his heart simply stopping and the air rushing out of his mouth and that would be it.
Suddenly Quatre was winding his arms around me, pulling me against him. I buried my face in his hair, now grown well past his ears, and inhaled life in my stale lungs. "I'm sorry," he said softly, his voice thick with emotion. "I'm sorry."
My arms were trapped between us so I couldn't return the embrace even if I'd wanted to. But I sagged against him until my legs could support me again, and then I leaned back slightly, breaking the circle of his arms.
"Can I just get a few minutes alone?"
"Of course." Quatre pulled my fists out and rubbed my hands again between his. They tingled with pins and needles as they warmed by the other man's almost superheated palms.
They left silently, and then it was just Heero and I and all the machines keeping him alive. I dragged a chair to his bedside and sat gingerly on the edge, tucking my hands into my lap.
"Hey, partner. This won't get you out of moving all my crap you know. It'll just sit there until you come home."
Home. It wasn't a word that I had ever used before then. There wasn't anyplace that I considered home. It was always, "my place" or "the apartment." I hadn't even moved in yet and already Heero's little flat felt more like a home than anything I'd ever known.
It was him, I reflected, leaning closer, bracing my hands on the edge of the chair. He was home for me even if he didn't realize it. All the sharp words, all the silences, every 'got your back' and friendly sparring match. The way he had opened up to me when I needed him the most.
And when he had needed me the most, where had I been?
It was one thing to have a blackout, to cut myself because it felt like something where before I was only numb, but this was
And that's what it came down to. I had fucked up. While my little fantasy of moving in with Heero played out, Heero had gotten a bullet in his belly.
I shivered and closed my eyes. But that morning had been so real. My shoulders ached like I had been moving heavy objects and I know I had come from Heero's apartment to the hospital.
I was stroking the top of his hand without even realizing it, and I stopped abruptly. I thought of Trowa's hand on Heero's forehead and scooted a little closer to the bed. His skin was cool under my fingers and I slid them around to his wrist, feeling his strong pulse.
"Heero," I whispered, hunching over and resting my chin on the bed beside his arm, studying the fine hairs there. "Heero, I'm sorry."
I mapped the subtle textures of the skin on his wrist and forearm with the pads of my fingers, wondering if he would ever have allowed this awake, catching myself desperately hoping he would.
"Heero, can you hear me? I said I'm sorry."
Quatre was waiting for me when I left the hospital, chased out by efficient nurses.
"I thought you were going to be in there all night," he said in greeting and I grinned despite the freezing squeeze on my heart.
"Nagging nurses," I replied, "Their bedside manner is lacking a little something, I think."
He nodded towards the parking lot. "I'll drive you home."
"Home," I repeated and fell into step beside him, my arm brushing his every so often. Quatre was easy to touch and I admit I did take advantage sometimes. But he was so accommodating it was hard not to.
His hand ghosted along my back and then fell to his side. We walked the rest of the way to his car in silence.
I was never good with silence, except with Heero. So as he slid behind the wheel I couldn't help teasing him a bit. "Where's your bodyguard? I can't believe they let you out all by yourself after dark."
He shot me a mournful look. "Not you, too." He started the car. "Wufei went back to the office and Trowa went home. I think he needed some time alone."
"I know the feeling."
Quatre immediately put a hand on my knee. "Duo..."
"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" I turned to look out the window at the streetlight sliding by on the pavement. I didn't want to hear Quatre say he didn't believe me, either.
His hand slid off my knee.
"How's Trowa taking it? He looked pretty bad."
He sighed quietly. "I don't know what's going on in his head anymore."
I shifted around in the seat, a cold lump settling in my stomach. "What do you mean?"
"We've been trying to take everything slowly. But every time we get close to something, he backs off. He's been so quiet lately." He smiled sadly, unknowingly. "More so than usual, I mean."
"I'm sorry, Quat, I didn't know--"
He cocked his head, and glanced at me quickly. "Didn't know what? Trowa needs time, I knew that when we decided to try this."
I didn't say anything. All of my suspicions were started to focus down to a point and I wondered if it was my paranoia or if I was finally starting to accept things I didn't want to see before.
We turned down Heero's block and it looked alien, everything that I had never noticed standing out starkly under the streetlights.
I wondered if maybe my apparent insanity was leading me to the truth, or if it was making me see things that weren't there. Because something that had happened today didn't actually happen. The problem was that I didn't know which one.
But I had ideas about Heero and Trowa before. And every time I saw something that could have been called evidence I pushed it aside. But there it was, staring me in the face: Trowa's inability to commit to Quatre, his hand on Heero's forehead where my hand should have been...
"Duo, what happened? Are you okay?"
Quatre was shaking me lightly and I blinked to see that we were in front of Heero's apartment.
"Do you want me to come in?" he continued. "I think I should stay with you tonight--"
"No! I mean, no, that's okay. I think I just want to be alone for a little while." I opened the car door. "Thanks for the ride, Quatre."
"Wait." He caught my shoulder. "I believe you, Duo. I want you to know that."
I nodded, feeling tears threaten.
He pulled me against him again, fiercely almost. I tried to pull away.
"Quatre, I don't--"
"But I do," he said hoarsely, and I could feel tears on my neck.
I nodded again, a lump rising in my throat, and put my arms around him.
And for one second, I didn't feel as crazy as I knew I must be.
Wufei's knock sounds just like him, I reflected as I attempted to stand and fell when my dead limbs refused to respond correctly.
"Just a sec," I called weakly, stretching and hearing the bones in my neck and jaw pop. I don't know why I didn't just sleep in my bed rather than on the floor...
And then everything from the night before came flooding back and I remembered standing next to Heero's bed contemplating sleeping surrounded by his smell, only to reject the idea because it made it feel too much like I was saying goodbye without actually saying it.
Hey, being crazy made for good excuses to do things I otherwise wouldn't have thought twice about.
"Duo," Wufei called, knocking that precise, rapping knock again.
"I said just a sec!"
I jammed balled up fists into my eyes to clear the blurriness as I shuffled towards the front door. My toe connected with something solid and pain screamed up my leg. I swore, shaking my foot as if that would get rid of the pain. "Mother--" It was the box of books that I had dropped the day before when Heero and I were--
Oh. God.
Don't cry, I told myself angrily. Do not fucking cry.
I opened the door to one grim looking Wufei, dressed all official in his uniform. It was bad; that was definitely his 'please don't make trouble, Maxwell' frown.
"Is Heero okay? He's okay, right?" I didn't even care that my voice wobbled.
"He's... the same. Duo, I need you to come down to headquarters with me."
"What? Why?"
"It would be better if we talked there." He made a fist at his side, clutching a sword that wasn't there anymore; it was a nervous habit he had picked up after Mariemeia.
"Wu, come on, this is me. Tell me what's wrong."
"Duo, please. They didn't even want me to come because they knew this would happen."
"What, am I under arrest or something?" My hands were going numb again.
"Of course not," he snapped and I would have smiled if I didn't feel like I was going to throw up. "But you need to come with me. We'll explain everything once we're there."
We stared at each other for a second more, and then I nodded. "See this, Wufei?" I hunted around the floor for my boots, not even remembering taking them off. "This is me trusting you."
He didn't say anything; I didn't expect him to.
The street outside still looked funny to me. I looked back to the apartment and felt like I was looking at someone else's place. It was nothing without Heero. I felt like I was nothing without Heero.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out as Wufei opened the passenger side door for me.
"Don't be. I'm sure I would be mad at me, too." A ghost of a tired smile hovered on Wufei's lips as he echoed my words from the night before.
"You know you're my best friend," I said quietly.
He squeezed my shoulder. "I know. And as sorry as you are, I know you're still angry, and will be more so after all of this is over. But I never would have let anyone else come here today."
I nodded, having a sinking feeling I knew what was happening. It was like everything from my nightmares was coming true one by one.
And as we pulled up to Preventers' Headquarters, I remembered what it felt like to be a criminal, to hate the Feds, to want to do anything other than go into that building. I felt a familiar build up of adrenaline in my legs.
I looked frantically to Wufei and his jaw tightened.
"I'll be with you, even if you'll probably hate me in a little while. I promise I won't leave you."
Heero had said that, too, I thought, my breath coming heavier.
My eyesight seemed to flicker and I stumbled against Wufei.
"Duo?"
I felt his arms around my waist and then, gratefully, I shut down.
End Part 2
(:./sparcck/tracing2)
