28-Aug-2003
Title: In Love We Trust
Author: lasha Lee
Email: anakerie@cinci.rr.com
Disclaimer: No one from Gundam Wing is mine.
Pairings: 2xOC
Warning: A little angsty
Not a bloody clue where THIS came from..
Duo twisted his head on the old beachtowel, until the thin flesh of his eyelids turned red inside. He kept them closed, not willing yet to completely accept that he was awake. His nose prickled a little; he was burning and he knew it and he didn't care. His bare shoulders were stiff and sore, and he ignored that as well.
In the distance, over the roar of the traffic from the street below, he could hear a radio blasting from the next roof over. He couldn't quite place the language of the song; but it was fast-spoken, the tempo rapid, intertwined with a lot of steel drums and acoustic guitar, and while it wasn't exactly his type of music it was acceptable right now. It seemed to fit.
"You're turning red."
He still didn't open his eyes. "Probably."
"Come on, come inside."
"Comfortable."
"Yeah, and how comfortable are you going to be tonight, huh? You'll spend the entire night in a tub of cold water again. You'll be in so much pain you won't be able to sleep at all."
"Probably, Rai. Maybe you should sleep somewhere else tonight, just in case." He paused. "That was a joke, by the way."
"Duo, come on. At least put some sunblock on."
Reluctantly the young man opened his eyes, wincing at the bright summer sky, and turning his head again to look up at his boyfriend. "Okay, okay." He pulled himself up until a sitting position, wiping a drop of sweat off his face. "I was about to go in anyway."
Rai didn't respond to that. He simply handed over a white bottle.
"I said I was going in. What good is this going to do me now? I'm already burned." Duo glanced at his shoulders. "Don't you dare say I told you so, either."
"I'm not. Duo, I'd never be happy that you're hurt; you know that. I just feel guilty I didn't come get you sooner. Forgive me?"
With his wide brown eyes, and long brown hair falling into them, Rai looked more like a guilty puppy than a man of 23, and Duo bit back words of impatience. "Sweetheart, I'm the one who fell asleep, remember? It's not your fault. There's nothing forgive you for."
Rai brightened, but still didn't look completely convinced. "Can we go in now? It's really hot out here."
Duo smiled and took his hand, gathering up the beach towel and the sunblock in his free arm, and they walked back across the hot tar toward the stairs.
The city raged on below them, a layer of smog hovering over everything like a clueless aunt visiting from out of town. On the roof to Duo's left he could see several topless women sunbathing, while a pair of identical, sun-browned toddlers splashed each other in an inflatable kiddie pool at their feet. On the roof to the right, the one with the music, several teenagers danced. A scrawny boy was fishing tin cans out of a blue cooler, pausing to throw a handful of ice at the closest girl, who squealed on cue.
Then Rai was tugging him through the roof's metal door, and as it shut behind them it completely cancelled out of the surreal world of the rooftop. Duo shook himself, really waking up for the first time. Rai gave him another apologetic look, as if he couldn't quite convince himself that Duo didn't blame him for his own carelessness.
But that was Rai, and Duo knew that he hadn't been a part of Rai's life long enough to change him; he wasn't sure that Rai would ever change. Some scars were just beyond healing. Duo understood this better than anyway, but it didn't mean that he couldn't hope. That someday, maybe, Rai would understand that Duo wasn't going to hurt him.
Inside their own apartment, Rai continued to be a mother hen, spraying Duo with Solar-Ease and insisting that his boyfriend relax while he fixed them both lunch. "You should really be more careful, Duo. I mean, you're not used to real sunlight like I am." He pulled a package of sliced cheese out of the chipped yellow refrigerator, and grabbed a loaf of bread down from on top of it.
"Rai, sweetie, I've lived here for five years now. I think I'm used to it." Duo reminded him, sitting down at the kitchen table, and twisting the edge of a stray soft-drink coupon between his middle and index fingers. He knew that it would be useless to offer his help right now. Rai was a man with a mission.
"What if you end up with sun-poisoning? Duo, this is serious. You could die. Where's the skillet?"
Duo couldn't help himself. He sputtered out laughing, and Rai turned away, wounded.
"I'm sorry." Duo got up and wrapped his arms around Rai's waist, snuggling close. "The skillet is in the dishwasher. I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing about the idea of me dying from this tiny little sunburn."
"It's not so little. Your shoulders are all red." Rai sounded sulky. "And people DO die from sunburns."
"Rai, you know about my past. You know about the orphanage and the war and all that other fun stuff. Now do you really and honestly think that I survived all that to roll over and die for something like this?"
Rai shook his head no. "I guess not. I just worry."
"I know baby. I know you do." Duo said gently. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I promise."
"Sorry to be such a nag." Rai kissed him gently, and returned to the refrigerator for margarine. "Shoot, forgot to ask. Is grilled cheese okay for lunch?"
"Grilled cheese is always okay with me."
But what do you want, Rai? The thought nagged at Duo as he watched his boyfriend, humming and happy now, rolling a glob of margarine around in the skillet. Why can't you ever tell me that?
Rai was reaching above the stove now for a can of soup. The tail of his black tee-shirt lifted a little, exposing thick, white lines of scar-tissue, bright against the normal bronze of his skin.
The young man believed, with all the faith and conviction Sister Helen had given God, that sooner or later Duo would either walk out the door, or add his own artwork to the designs already emblazed on Rai's thin body.
If some people started life on a bad foot, Rai Hanker had started life on a broken one. And if Duo ever felt a moment of self-pity for what he himself had gone through as a little boy, he had only to look at Rai to realize just how good he'd had it.
They ate in silence a few minutes later, Duo remembering to compliment Rai on how good everything tasted, even the canned soup to which the young man had done nothing more complicated than adding water and stirring.
"Seriously." Duo assured him. "I can never get all the lumps out like you do. I'm always in too much of a hurry to eat it."
"We ate soup a lot. My folks and I." Rai shrugged, and then began clearing the table. "When I was still living with them."
Duo didn't reply. He simply began filling the sink with hot water, tossing in the drain-cap and squirting in a thick stream of Dawn. The dishwasher still hadn't been emptied and he was feeling too lazy to do it right now. This would be quicker.
"So you cooked for them until you were what, eight, nine?" Duo finally asked, picking at some crusted cheese on the side of the skillet.
"Yeah. They didn't eat much." Rai was near Duo's left shoulder now, staring at the faded blue flower wallpaper above the sink. "I didn't mind. I cooked for Neal too. He liked that."
Duo began scrubbing the pan harder.
"I'm sorry, Duo. I shouldn't bring him up. I forget sometimes." He turned to leave quickly, but Duo stopped him, grabbing Rai's hand in a soapy fist. "It's okay, baby. You can talk about him as much as you want. I've told you that."
"I don't like talking about him." Rai shook his head. "He still."
"He scares me too, Rai. I understand. But he can't hurt you any more. I took care of him for you, remember? He'll never hurt anyone ever again. He paid for everything he did to you."
"What if they find out? What if they come and take you away?" Rai began to breathe rapidly. "I get so scared. Everytime someone knocks on our door I just know it's the police and."
"And what?" Duo asked softly. "Rai, I've got some pretty powerful friends, remember? I mean, I'm not the kind of guy who wants to depend on that, but do you think they'd let me rot in prison?"
"But they don't know. Maybe if they found out."
"They'd understand. My friends would understand exactly why I did what I did."
It was an old conversation, repeated a hundred times, but Duo would keep repeating it as much as Rai needed to hear it. "Neal is gone, and I'm not gone, and I'm not going. You're safe now, baby."
"I know. I just forget sometimes."
"Well, remember this. I love you." He kissed Rai, and then pushed him back gently toward the kitchen table. "Let me remind you."
He reminds me so much of you sometimes.
That was why I was drawn to him. The first time I saw him there in that grocery store, that big ape screaming at him in front of everyone. And him just taking it, like he was some kind of animal, too scared to defend himself. He was broken, just like you were.
That's why I had to help him. The same way I wanted so much to help you. But you didn't need me. You had someone else. Someone was there to put all the pieces back together and make you whole again, and I accepted that. I smiled and I never told you how I really felt. I let you go. I toasted you and him at your wedding, and I wished you the best of luck in the world.
There was no one else to save him, though. No one but me. This time... this one could be mine, if I did it right, if I didn't screw up.
I didn't think I'd fall in love with him. I wanted to try, but I didn't think it could happen, because I still loved you. I still do. I don't love you more than I love him, but at the same time, I can't love you any less just because I do love him. Does that make sense?
He's asleep in our bed right now, and I'm up here on the roof again, watching the clouds move across the moon. No stars. Stars are rare here in the city, but not even all the smog in this city can blot out the moonlight. Not like where you live.
You keep inviting us to come stay with you guys, and I keep putting you off, because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I'm around you he'll see that I love you, and it would kill him. He'd never trust me again, and I won't do that to him. We've really made a lot of progress over the last year and a half, so I hope you can forgive me for this.
Because even if I do love you both, I can only have one of you. And my promise is to him. I'm not going to let him down, and I'm going to stay away from you until he won't be able to read it in my face. However long that takes.
I just need a little more time.
The End
(:./lasha/inlove)
