Date: Nov 16, 2001
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Warnings: OOC? Possibly offensive to the elderly. Off-color humor.
Goodness. Where did THIS come from? *stares at muse in bewilderment*.
"I ain't gone wiffout mah teef!" Trowa shook his fist.
"They're right here, you old goat!" Quatre snapped, leaning heavily in his cane. "Take um!" He handed Trowa a blue container. "We're going to be late again. Always late because of you!"
"I'm not the one who has to go change his Depends every hour!" Trowa snarled, pushing his teeth into place.
"Well, at least I use um!" was the response. "Don't just go in a potted plant. Or someone's mailbox."
"Oh, let's bring THAT up again." Trowa shoved his glasses up his nose to see Quatre better. "Can I help it if my eyes ain't what they used to be?"
"Will you two hurry up?" Heero appeared in the doorway, Duo walking next to his wheelchair. "We need to go."
"So's he, probably." Quatre jerked a liver-spotted thumb at Trowa. "He's so incontinent these days I gotta wear a lifejacket to bed."
The argument might have continued on for a while, but they were distracted by Wufei wandering into the room, holding a banana. And wearing nothing but bedroom slippers.
"KRUSHENADA!" Wufei shook the banana. "Where are you, you stinkin' louse? Come out and fight me!"
Duo sighed, rubbing his bald scalp in exasperation. "Come on, Wufei. It's AC260, remember? Treize has been dead a long time now. Now, let's go put some clothes on.
"I know what year it is!" Wufei shoved the banana under Duo's chin. "You're hiding that... man somewhere. Don't lie to me, Maxwell. I can smell a lie."
"No, that's Trowa." Quatre interjected. "He ain't taken a bath since Hector was a pup."
Eventually, Quatre and Duo managed to get Wufei into his "going outside" clothing, but they were unable to persuade him to change into regular shoes. Or release the banana.
"Duo?" Wufei peered at the old man. "Where in tarnation is your hair?"
Duo muttered something nasty under his breath, and went back to Heero's chair. "Heero. Hey, Heero, wake up. We're leaving." He clapped his hands loudly in Heero's face.
"Eating? You're hungry again? We just had lunch."
"Not eating. LEAVING." He reached over and turned on Heero's hearing aid. "And leave it on this time." Duo instructed. "You're going to want to hear this."
Trowa and Quatre led a muttering Wufei between them out to the limo. Duo lifted Heero out of his wheelchair, and helped the driver put the chair in the trunk. It was a two person job; Heero's chair had everything attached from a laptop to a mini-fridge (more for Duo's benefit than his own) to rocket jets "just in case". It had cost a small fortune and weighed a ton. Duo suspected that Heero didn't even need it; he just liked not having to walk anywhere and having Duo cart him around like a sack of potatoes.
The car started out of the driveway, and Wufei leaned over the partition to stare at the driver.
"Is there a problem, sir?" The chauffeur asked politely.
"Problem? PROBLEM?" Wufei suddenly bellowed. "My colony is destroyed, my wife is dead, I shamed my ancestors with my defeat to Krushenada, and you ask if there is a problem???" He paused. "What was I talking about?"
"Sit down, Wu." Duo gently tugged him back into his seat as the driver quickly raised the barrier. "Just rest until we get to the hotel."
"Hotel?" Wufei grumbled. "Problem with today's youth. Always has to be a hotel. In my day, a safehouse with no water was the best we could get, and by gum, we were glad to get it. Why, I remember once..."
They let him ramble on. Heero turned off his hearing aid again and fell asleep. Duo, bored, flipped through the television stations on the limo's television set, and Quatre and Trowa were trading barbs about who was responsible for their reservations being lost when they went on their second honeymoon, 50 years earlier.
Wufei ate his banana, imperiously handing the peel to Trowa.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Trowa demanded.
"Well, the way you smell, he probably thinks you're a trash collector. Heh heh heh." Quatre doubled over laughing at his own joke.
"I must be. I married you!"
"Oh, that's it. Stop the car, driver. Outside, Barton. We're gonna rumble."
"Umm, we're at the hotel." Duo commented. "Can we at least try and act like grown-ups?"
He shook Heero. "Heero, wake up. We're here."
"Queer?" Heero blinked. "Well, of course we're queer. We're two men who have intimate relations. What did you THINK we were?"
"I said, we're here!" Duo cranked up the hearing aid.
"Guess I must be straight then." Trowa remarked, climbing out the car. "Been so long since I had intimate relations with anyone, I plumb forgot how." He gave Quatre a steely frown.
"Well, don't bother remembering on my account." Quatre sniffed. "I want to enjoy my last years, thank you very much."
Duo settled Heero into the wheelchair. "Where's Wufei?"
A minute later, the elder Chinese man was located berating a parking meter for being weak and foolish. Promising to let him teach it a lesson when they were done, the other former pilots managed to maneuver him through the large, double-doors of the hotel.
"We're here for the Relena Peacecraft Celebrity Roast." Duo explained to an attendant. "We're guest speakers."
"Oh no." Wufei blurted out. "I don't like that woman. I want to go home."
"Wufei, you agreed to come." Quatre reminded him. "We can go home when we're done."
Wufei turned away, sulking for a minute, before he once again forgot where he was.
"This way, gentleman. The Roast will begin in a few minutes." They were led into a lavishly decorated dining hall, and shown to a table at the front. Heero chuckled to himself, making notes of how many feet he ran over with his wheelchair on the way to the table.
"Can I get you something to drink?"
"Vodka." Trowa said immediately.
"Vodka? You can't drink vodka, ya dang fool. You're on heart medicine!" Quatre complained.
"I know. I'm trying to kill myself."
"We'll all have Shirley Temples." Duo ordered, ignoring the sullen glances sent his way. "None of us are allowed to drink." He defended himself.
"Spoil sport." Heero grumbled.
A few minutes later the drinks arrived, and the old men watched the room slowly fill up with more people.
"Well, bless my hind. It's been years." An ancient-looking man with long white hair tottered up to their table, leaning on a walker. "I'm so happy you call could come to this. It'll mean so much to my sister. She's been feeling kind of poorly these days."
"Hello there, Milliardo." Quatre greeted their visitor.
"Milliardo?" Wufei looked around wildly. "THE ENEMY!" He jumped to his feet and threw his drink in Milliardo's face. "OZ SCUM! VILLAIN! PHILANDOROR! SORCEROR! PYROMANIAC!"
"He's actually doing better on the new medication." Heero handed Milliardo a napkin as Quatre wrestled Wufei back into his seat. "He just gets a little confused sometimes."
"Where is Treize, you filthy son-of-a-goat?" Wufei demanded, as Milliardo quickly made his excuses and tottered away. "Where have you hidden him?"
Duo took advantage of the distraction to toss a pill into his own drink and shove it into Wufei's hand.
"He knows where Treize is." Wufei said in a cheerful voice, downing the drink. "I'll find... " His head dropped on his chest and he began to snore.
Trowa was avidly watching a young waiter bend over tables, until Quatre smacked him.
"You don't look at me like that any more." The man complained.
"Well, all of his stuff is still where it's supposed to be." Trowa retorted peevishly. "Yours is so low we never have to mop the kitchen floor."
Quatre immediately began to cry. "I gave you the best years of my life! You only married me for my money!"
"That's not true!"
"Yes it is. You never loved me." Quatre wailed. "I should have listened to my sisters and married that doctor!"
"Now, baby, don't be like that." Trowa put his arm around Quatre. "I still love you."
"You do?" Quatre sniffed.
"Sure I do."
"And you still think I'm pretty?"
"Pretty as the day I married you." Trowa assured him.
"Oh Trowa." The two men began to kiss noisily.
"UNHAND HIM, YOU FIEND!" Wufei's head snapped up. "Don't worry, Winner. I'll protect your virt... " he nodded off again.
There was a crackle of feedback, and the curtain on the stage rose to show Milliardo at a microphone.
"Ladies and Gentleman, I want to thank you all for coming. Tonight we are here to celebrate the life of a very special woman. And to honestly embarrass to death."
"If only... " Duo muttered wistfully.
"Welcome to Relena Peacecraft Celebrity Roast."
