"Hi, this is Sally Po."
"I am Wufei Chang."
"Welcome to this week's GWWF! As Noin left her seat, Wufei Chang has temporarily taken over as co-announcer. Now let us begin our letters segment. Why don't you read one, Wufei?"
Wufei opened one up and said, "Dear Wufei Chang, can you please, please, please wear a thong? Sincerely, Croissant woman. KISAMA! Who wrote this? Absolutely not!"
Sally slips her intern a $50 bill.
Meanwhile, 10,000 years in the future, the transmissions hit the planet named 'Doh! Urghargh and Gyaaaah of the planet watch it on their version of the television. "Excellent," says Urghargh, who waves its tentacles to and fro. "This Wufei Chang is most amusing when flailing his appendages."
"Yes, truly amusing," remarks Gyaaaah, chewing on the Eyuuuuyuk sticks. It frowns and says, "Hmm, needs more burnt carbon and Kryptonite."
Urghargh compresses itself into a cube, its way of applauding and says, "Excellent date transmission."
"Let us meld in another dimension," says Gyaaaah.
Back on Earth and in the present time, Sally reads the next letter. "Dear announcers, you must have someone stop the Blade Mistress and the Dominatrix? Do not worry, a new female tag team has appeared to stop them. They will appear later this program!"
Wufei read another letter. "Dear Wu-bear, is there anything between you and Captain Sword? Love, Sword no miko. I deny all rumors, all of them!" However, his nose bled.
Sally read, "Dear Sally, how about some coffee? I know a guy who has the best. Sincerely yours, Abdul the 'cute' Manganac. Just love the curls, by the way. Oh, I don't know." But she folds it and puts it in her purse.
Wufei grumpily takes up another letter. "These things keep getting worse. I hope this one isn't completely horrible." Then he read, "Gyaaaah and Urghargh appreciate your primitive transmissions. We have decided to travel back in time during our next vacation and wonder if you would like to be abducted and anally probed? WHAT? KISAMA! NO!"
Wufei began to rave and rant on the air. Sally thought, Hmmm, somebody needs another trip to the quiet valley to meditate on the error of his ways and take the wonderful blue pills that block the voices in his head. "I think we need a commercial break."
Commercial
Ralph Kurt runs into a place that is completely white and filled with giant abstract shapes, also white. "I must have the Trowa!" he gasps. Quatre turns and says, "You can not have the Trowa. Only one worthy can ride the Trowa! The Trowa is mine! And if you were to take the Trowa away from me, I would laugh like this!" Then Quatre lets out a laugh that's just plain scary and pulls out two swords. Ralph responds by pulling out a gun.
The camera turns to Trowa. He is not wearing a shirt, only his jeans and a dog collar. He breathlessly says, "There is only one word for all this." He then holds up a perfume bottle and says, "Insanity."
"Hi, I'm Catherine. Come to Café circus and enjoy my Camel & Chicken Noodle Soup or my Zebra Loin sandwiches or my casserole called Tongue Surprise. We also serve avocado ice cream. Mmmmm. Every meal will be an adventure!"
Sally frowned. "Is it just me or is that Trowa fellow wearing less and less clothing with each commercial? What's he going to wear next, a sock?"
Meanwhile, Gyaaaah notes, "Hmm, the Wufei Chang has responded negatively to our suggestion."
"Mmmmm," said Urghargh. "Still, I would like to pay homage to him." They turned into disks and floated about, meditating.
Sally announces, "The next fight is the Dominatrix and the Blade Mistress versus a brand new tag team, Nataku and the Sheriff."
Wufei does a face vault. "Nataku?"
"Yes."
Meanwhile backstage, Dorothy and Catherine see Une run in. "Where the hell were you?" snapped Dorothy. "We have to walk to the ring."
"I had an emergency," said Une, looking all happy and flushed.
Yeah, right, an emergency orgasm, thought Catherine.
They walk out below the lights to applause.
From the other side, walk two women. One is a short Chinese woman in loose fitting white shorts and shirts. The other is a tall woman with long bangs in a Western sheriff's outfit. "Why didn't you dress up?" said Noin.
"Justice needs no embellishment," says the Nataku aka Meiran aka Wufei's ex aka Justice Girl. "And I resent the fact that Alex and Mueller are fanning YOU with ostrich plumes."
"Well, I can't help that."
Signs suddenly erupt from the audience. "Apply your justice to my backside," "Please lead me away in handcuffs!" "Please take me to the pokey!"
The women enter the ring and strip down to their tights. Catherine walks in first. Noin and Meiran played rock, paper and scissors to figure who would go in first. Meiran wins by using rock to Noin's scissors. She steps in and immediately gets into a stance.
Meiran avoided Catherine's killer fist, but Catherine kept dodging Meiran's kicks by twirling out of the way.
Une, overreacting, throws an incendiary device into the ring, trying to get Meiran. The bomb hits the mat and sets it on fire. All four women then hop on a turnbuckle each.
"Damn, now what?" says Meiran.
Relena comes running towards the ring, saying, "According to the rule book, you must now fight on the turnbuckle and the ropes! The team that falls off last wins! And another thing, foreign objects are allowed!" Meiran turned to Noin. "Quick, get that blue glow of absolute power!"
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I can only get it if it's about Zechs."
Meiran screams in frustration. "ARGGGHHHHH! At least you've got two flunkies who'll do your bidding. Tell them to get some weapons NOW! I want a long pole."
"How about a bazooka?" said Alex.
"Anyone who uses projectile weapons that are powered by gunpowder or fuel of any type will be disqualified!" said Relena.
"Damn!" said Dorothy. She threw aside her missile launcher.
"Noin, you fight Catherine while I fight the evil one!" said Meiran aka Nataku. Meiran grabbed the pole while Noin took up her sword.
Catherine threw several knives at Noin, but Noin expertly deflected them with her sword. In the meantime, Dorothy and Meiran busy trying to knock each other off with long wooden staffs.
"Mine is longer," said Dorothy.
"But mine is stronger," said Meiran, tightening her grip on her staff.
The men in the audience went LoL.
"This is better than Highlander," said Dr. O. "Or Xena." He went back to eating his toffee popcorn.
"Mmmm, Xena," said Dr. J.
The pole fight between Dorothy and Meiran was so furious that it set the poles on fire. Eventually, they snapped and broke. "Well, those didn't last long," said Meiran. "Kinda reminds me of Wufei."
"MEIRAN!!!!" screamed Wufei. An ex-wife is an absolutely horrible thing to have.
"Well, at least they WERE on fire," teases Sally.
"ONNA!"
Dorothy realized her eyebrows were on fire. She clapped them to stifle the flames. "You cut the number of brows down to two, how dare you! Now you must die!" She pulled out a fencing sword.
Meiran pulled out a sword of her own.
"Come on and fight with some passion, damn it!" said Dorothy. "I want to see you use that sword with some skill."
"Do not worry about me. It is yourself you should worry about, evil girl!"
With that, they attacked each other with such fury that sparks and bits of metal flew each time their swords hit each other.
Catherine was using a soup lid and meat knife in her fight with Noin's sword. "You have such terrible taste in clothing," said Catherine.
"At least I wear clothes," snapped Noin.
"You can not distract me with your sleaziness!" scolded Meiran. "I am not weak like a man!"
Dorothy said something equally heated, but her words were drowned out by the sound of something coming in to land. Part of the ceiling fell off when the alien spacecraft crashed into the arena. Everyone screamed in terror. Suddenly, a loud argument erupts from the intergalactic frisbee.
"Gyaaaah, why didn't you ask for directions."
"I am not the gender that asks for directions."
"Neither am I!"
"We should have formed a proper triumverate with Iiiitaiiii, but nooo . . ."
"Hmm, I think our altercation is being broadcast in the arena."
"It is? Ach! Our first impression is thoroughly blown."
"What is it that you want?" said Relena.
Urghargh gives a little cough and says, "Oh, please excuse us for breaking the roof of your dwelling place. My name is Urghargh and my spiritual triplet is named Gyaaaah. We have come to pay homage to the one called Wufei Chang. We have seen many episodes and have found his presence bracing and tasty like burning rubber with brie. We also enjoyed his performances on the, what's it called, Gyaaah?"
"The porn channel."
"Yes, the porn channel. The amount of talent he has is enormous and of incredible breadth."
Wufei howled in embarrassment. "Lies, lies, all lies! Well, except the talent."
Dorothy held up a turnbuckle and was about to use the ropes to hurl it at the aliens. Catherine grabbed her by the arm. "Idiot, what do you think you're doing? You're going to start an interstellar war!"
"A war! A war!" said Dorothy, dancing with glee.
"No!" says Une in a soft, sweet voice. "Space is a place of peace." Sparkles shimmer around her.
Nataku said, "Wufei is not worthy of being paid homage to. He's a doofus!"
"How could she say that about me and on the air, too!" screamed Wufei, tears flying out of his eyes. "That's so unfair!"
The US army, er, OZ soldiers walk into the studio. "You know the routine," said one of them.
Sally sighed and said, "Technical difficulties!"
Commercial
A group of men stand with brooms and pans. "Hi, we're the Sweeper's cleaning service and we are here to mop you up!" With that, they suddenly do an amazing dance performance set to the music they make by hitting their brooms and pans on the floor and against each other's brooms and pans. An 800 number flashes at the bottom.
"Welcome to Hilde's house of Carne Pleasures. Dreaming of that special steak? Come on and see if we have the one for you! Tender, juicy and oh, we don't skimp on size served by hunky waiters in Barton jeans. Come on and taste the difference! Just sink your teeth into oh, so tender meat."
"This is Heero Yuy's house of Plushies. We've got all sorts of teddy bears, pandas, lions, and other items. We even do special orders like this one."
Heero held up a Shinigami plushie, dressed in jeans, black jacket and red zippered shirt. "I made this for a certain someone." He smiled, cutely with his eyes closed. There is a ferocious pounding on the door and a muffled chant of "MUST HAVE SHINIGAMI PLUSHIE!" He frowned and looked out the store window. "Where did all these hundreds of fan girls come from?"
The spaceship was conspicuous in its absence. The OZ forces had managed to convince Urghargh and Gyaaaah that they were the local towing company and that blood and tissue samples was the currency one paid for such services on Earth. Urghargh and Gyaaaah warned them however that any attempt to rip off any of the stuff in their vehicle would result in total world annihilation because that's the way the UFO alarm was set up.
Sally coughed, then said, "Here's the announcement I've been told to read. The spaceship you just saw was actually a weather balloon. As for the talking space aliens, well, they were actually muppets." Sally rolled her eyes, then said to someone offstage. "My, God, is that the best you can do in terms of information control?"
"Shut up! People believed it about Roswell."
"Uh, no comment. Due to the interference of the 'weather balloon,' there will be a rematch a month from now. Unfortunately, due to the presence of the OZ forces recovering said 'balloon,' we've had to put off the scheduled Captain Sword versus Boy Scout duel until another time."
Wufei was in a fetal position, crying on the table. "Why? Why does all the worst stuff happen to me? Why, Sally?"
Sally sighed. "There, there, I'll call the medical center and they'll make it all better." She whips out her cell phone, hits speed-dial and within a matter of minutes, two men put Wufei on a stretcher and hustle him away.
Sally looks at the camera and says, "Burning turnbuckles, close encounter of the third kind and one of the announcers going insane on the air. Let's see what happens next week."
The End
(:./mk/gwwf3)
