8 Jan 2001
Everything crystalizes.
DISCLAIMER: All Gundam Wing characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai Visuals, Sotsu Agency, and Asahi TV. This work is not written for profit, but for entertainment purposes only.
PAIRINGS: 6x5/5x6, 13x6/6x13, some very mild 4x9
WARNING: AU/modern day San Francisco; implied yaoi will turn to yaoi and eventual lemon in later chapters
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: To Alfred Hitchock who directed the incredible film, "Vertigo."
"Dreams are the Royal Road to the unconscious."- Sigmund Freud
Treize read through several entries, skipping parts he thought might be painful for Zechs until he came to the next mention of 'S.' It was on February 14th.
"Things have gotten completely out of hand with S. I met with her yesterday and she actually had a valentine that she wanted me to give to Z. Can you *imagine*?? I told her if she wanted him to have it she should give it to him herself and then of course she said he'd never take it from her , but that he would from me.
I contemplated just telling her to go to hell, but my mother would have my hide if I did anything like that. I've avoided talking to Z about it up until now, but maybe I should... I don't know. I don't *know*! What should I do? I just want to be rid of her.
Treize looked up at Zechs, who had gone very pale. He looked worried, and more than a little confused. "Why wouldn't he tell me about this?" Zechs said. "Why would he keep something like this from me? God - I didn't know that they were meeting like this! That she was hounding him about us! Why -"
His voice broke and he started crying softly, shaking his head and staring at Treize. "Why didn't he tell me? If she *did* ki- Oh, God I could have stopped her!! I could have protected him!! If he'd told me... DAMN IT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU JERK!!"
The screamed words startled even Treize, who leapt from his chair and wrapped his arms around Zechs, who was now sobbing, his hands covering his face.
Vaguely, Treize became aware that he was crying, too, but it didn't matter. Zechs mattered now. "I know it hurts, Zechs," he said soothingly, pressing his cheek to the top of the blond's head and stroking his hair. "And you know what? I think you're really angry at Wufei right now."
"Stupid jerk!" Zechs sobbed. "What did he think he was doing, sneaking around and keeping all of this behind my back! So I couldn't do a fucking *thing* when he really needed me!! He didn't have to die! *Wouldn't* have died if he'd just told me what the hell was going ON!!"
His words faded into desperate, heartbroken sobs and Treize could only hold him tighter, making soothing sounds and letting him cry it all out.
After several minutes, when the sobs had quieted to soft moans, Treize began to talk. "We're not sure of anything yet, Zechs. We don't know there's a connection between what's in the diary and what happened at the mission, but we do need to find Sylvia, I think. Perhaps we should call the police?"
"No!" Zechs said, sitting up and looking at Treize. "No, I want to talk to her myself! God , I want to rip her apart for what she did to him!"
"Zechs! Calm down. I know you're feeling an incredible amount of pain right now, but you have to try to calm down. Your feeling about her is exactly *why* the police should be called. They can question her about where she was -" Zechs made a move to protest and Treize had to repeat himself. "If she *was* responsible, then she can be prosecuted. But if you go and talk to her, she might never be prosecuted at all. I want you to think about that."
Zechs stared at him, breath coming heavily and the expression on his tear-stained face a strange combination of rage and utter desolation. "I want to kill her, Treize... I want to kill her, and then I want to kill myself."
"NO!" Treize shouted, taking the blond man by the arms. "You do *not* want to kill yourself, Zechs! I can understand wanting to see whoever did this rot in hell because of it, and I can almost understand wanting to take her there yourself. But *why* should *you* want to die? You have your life ahead of you, Zechs! Once you get beyond this, you'll see you have a lot to live for."
Zechs had gone quiet, looking almost afraid when Treize had grabbed his arms. Now he was shaking his head. "No - I have *nothing* to live for! He's *gone*! He's *dead* and he's never coming back! There's *nothing* for me now!"
"That's not true," Treize hissed. "Yes, you're right, he *is* gone, Zechs. He can't come back, it's true. But *you're* still alive!"
"What good is it being alive," Zechs interrupted, "when the only thing you've ever really loved is gone? When the person who made you want to live is *dead*! What's the *point*??"
"The point is," Treize said, almost growling, "that lots of other people love you, too. Your sister, your aunt, Noin, Quatre - you have people here who care about you, and they'd be *devastated* if you took your own life. *Devastated*, Zechs - just like you feel now. Is that what you want to do to them? Is that how you treat the people who love you?"
Zechs was shaking his head, tears coming down his face silently. "They're not like Fei," he said. "They don't love me the way he did... no one *ever* loved me the way he did. And I know what you're going to say. 'Just wait around. Someday someone will come along and feel that way about you again.' Well it's just not possible! It was a once in a lifetime thing and it can't happen again. He was mine and I was his, and no one will ever love me like that again."
"That is *not* true, Zechs!" Treize said heatedly, still holding onto the blond man. "There's someone who feels that way about you *right* now -"
/Don't do it, Treize - you're upset right now - don't do it.../
" - but you've been too wrapped up in Wufei to even notice! Notice that someone *does* love you that way - with every bit as much love and passion and acceptance as he gave you! And if you took your eyes off of that statue of Wufei that you've built in your mind - the one that's becoming your *gravestone*, you would see who it is!!"
Zechs stared at him in disbelief, wiping the tears from his eyes with a sleeve. "What the *hell* are you talking about?" he said in a scared and shaking voice.
"ME, Zechs!! *Me*!! I love you. I love you so much I can hardly work, or eat, or think about anything else! I've come close to giving up your case because of the way I feel about you! I'm under scrutiny from my supervisor because of the way I feel about *you*! Don't you *dare* tell me no one can possibly love you like he did! Because I *do*!!"
Treize stopped talking and for a long, long moment, the two men just stared at each other. Then Zechs began trembling badly. He was staring at Treize, shaking his head and slowly backing towards the door. "No," he said in a whisper. "No..."
Then he was out the door and gone.
Thirty minutes later, Hilde put her head in the door and saw Treize, sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. "Dr. K? Are you all right?"
His voice was muffled as he answered. "What are you doing here this late at night, Hilde?"
"Just clearing up some paperwork I had left over from today. I was... I was going to put these patient files on your desk. You have two appointments before I come in tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure you had them."
"Leave them on the chair, please," Treize replied, still not moving.
"Sure, Dr. K. Are you *sure* you're all right? Can I get you anything?"
"No thank you, Hilde. Please cancel my appointments for tomorrow. I'm not feeling well and I don't think I'll be coming in. Oh, and can you please close the door on your way out?"
"Sure," she said, sadly, and Treize heard the click of the lock.
He put his head down all the way on the desk and let the same thoughts that had been tormenting him since Zechs left flow through his mind again.
/You are a fucking bastard, Khushrenada... he was hurting, in terrible pain, and you had to go and tell him that... He'll never forgive me now... probably thinks I was working with him just so I could get into his pants. I'm sure I'll never see him again. *Damn* this to hell! Such a stupid, stupid *idiot*!! So fucking selfish - you couldn't just keep it to yourself. Had to tell him and at a time he was suicidal, too..."
The thoughts continued this way for another half hour or so. He would not be leaving his desk tonight because as soon as Zechs had left he'd called a friend of his on Market Street Hotline and given them Zechs's name, phone number, and address. They would try to contact him. Then he'd called Relena and told her to try to get in touch with her brother - that he would probably need her help and might even be coming by that evening. And finally, he'd stood at his window, looking out at the city lights and beginning his punishing mantra.
He was beginning to cry again when the phone rang.
"Hello?" he managed to croak.
"Treize? It's Relena. I wanted you to know that Zechs is here. Just so you wouldn't worry."
"Oh, thank God," Treize murmured, sitting up and grabbing a tissue for his face. "Will he talk to me?"
"Let me ask him," she said, and the phone was muffled. In a moment she was back. "Sorry, Treize. He says he doesn't want to talk to anyone. I'm sure he'll be fine. We'll stay right near him and make sure he's safe. I just wanted you to know so you wouldn't worry about him needlessly."
"Thank you, Relena," Treize said, mechanically. "Please... please tell him that I want to talk to him. Tell him... I want to explain... and apologize..."
"Sure, Treize," she said slowly, voice sounding puzzled. "I'll tell him."
"Thanks," he murmured and hung up.
/At least he hasn't killed himself yet... at least you didn't do that... But who's to say he won't try later... and it will be all your fault.../
He had started to rock, slowly, back and forth in his chair, feeling so miserable he knew he was going to explode any moment. Gripping his hair with his hands, he let his gaze wander aimlessly and it happened to fall upon his notes from the Zechs's hypnosis session earlier that evening.
'At the cemetery
- remembers seeing someone with W; talking; someone who shouldn't be there? Someone who didn't know they were going to be at the SLR?
- Light? Too bright for him? says he forgot his sunglasses... that's when the hair twirling begins; no memory would be consistent w/ absence seizure...
- W angry with him? No - angry at person X? Checking to see that Z was ok after seizure?
- W sees something - someone - in the tower; Z sees it too! "She" again. Says it's "not possible" ??; a *different* person from the cemetery'
Treize stopped reading for a moment and massaged the bridge of his nose. He was getting a headache, no doubt from all the crying, and it was hard to think. Something was there - just below the surface... just out of reach. What was it?
He went back to the notes.
'Running up stairs - hears them arguing ; "never heard Fei that angry";
- she: "You can't have him... he's *mine*... I've decided I won't give him up";
- W: "You never *had* him'... 'Doesn't love you that way... just ask him, he'll tell you... or can't you just face the truth."
- W doesn't want him up there; Person X... "she's saying my name... over and over"
- shields his eyes again, "Not again"; the light? Same thing he saw in the cemetery? Or just light coming in the windows of the tower? Same gesture, same hair twirling; another seizure."
That's where the notes ended. Treize sat back in his chair, staring at them. /Both times he went into a seizure there was a bright light around... /
As he sat there, the conversation with Dr. Dermail came back to him. /'I pair this stimulus with the onset of the seizure again and again and again... I actually *retrain* the brain to experience a seizure *only* when that stimulus is present...' That's what the light is... it was the stimulus Dermail used. Was Dermail there?? Then who was the woman? Why didn't Zechs see Dermail?/
His head was buzzing now - too many pieces of information vying for attention all at once. One thing, though, stood out: Zechs had been put into seizure twice that day - and at both times Wufei had been talking with someone - someone Zechs would never have expected to be at the mission. Surely it couldn't have been Wufei! If so then who was the woman? Damn, every time he seemed to grasp a tiny piece of it, something knocked it away again!
Standing up suddenly, he walked to his bookcase, staring at the hundreds of volumes he owned - books on depression and anxiety disorders, on schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder. He felt strangely empty, staring at them. He had always relied on books, on academia, to provide the ultimate answers and now they weren't forthcoming.
/It's useless. Zechs needs a lot of help and I've ruined the chance for him to get it from me... I have to turn his case over.../
He walked to the desk again, each movement a betrayal of what he felt, and picked up Zechs's file, heading out of the office and down the main hallway of the clinic. Andrew Freed's office was near the back. Treize had expected to just drop the folder into his mail slot, but the door was open and the young psychoanalyst was stretched out in his arm chair, reading a book that appeared, from it's cover, to be in German.
"Treize!" he said, looking up in surprise. "What are *you* doing here so late - are you all right?" He has spotted the tear stains and Treize's disheveled state just moments after greeting him and now Andrew's face was full of concern.
"I'm fine," Treize lied, "I... I have a case that... well, I don't think I can do any more for him and I thought -"
"Don't worry," Andrew said softly, getting up and taking the file Treize was holding out. "Anne said you might be by. I'd be happy to take over."
He put an arm on Treize's shoulder. "Is there something else? Something I need to know?"
Treize was silent for a moment and then looked up at the other therapist. "No," he said slowly, "but there *is* something I'd like to know."
"Sure," Andrew said, waving Treize into a seat across from him.
Treize took a deep breath and looked directly at the other man. "What does old Sigmund have to say about why dreams are so bizarre at times?"
Andrew looked puzzled. "I thought you couldn't *stand* Freud," he said. "Why the need to know?"
"This client," he said quietly, pointing to Zechs's folder, "is having recurrent dreams that closely parallel something that happened in real life. But there are odd differences - differences that are bizarre... I just thought..."
Andrew's look of concern came back. "Well," he said, standing and walking to his bookcase, "in 'The Interpretation of Dreams' he goes over latent content and manifest content - you know all about that."
"Yes," Treize murmured, "manifest content is the actual imagery and story of the dream and latent content is the hidden meaning behind the imagery."
"Freud's theory of dreaming does address the idea of bizarre imagery," Andrew said, leafing through the book as he sat back down. "For instance, if the latent content is highly embarrassing or sexual in nature, it may be disguised as something completely different and then whatever its disguise was would have to fit in with the story of the dream. Sometimes that's a big leap for the mind to accomplish and the dream seems bizarre because of it. Manifest content can really screw up and nice dream story line, you know?"
"What about..." Treize hesitated. "What about the idea the all the different characters in a dream are just manifestations of the dreamer himself?" /Something is there... right beyond my grasp... so close.../
"That's not really a Freudian idea," Andrew was saying, still looking through the book. "Although he wouldn't have argued with the idea that a person in a dream doesn't have to represent that same person in the real world." He went back to perusing the volume he held.
Several fragments of thoughts, conversations, and facts, moved just slightly in Treize's mind - nearly crystalizing. "Can you say that again," he asked slowly, his voice odd enough to make Andrew to look up at him.
"I said Freud wouldn't have argued with the idea that a person in a dream doesn't have to represent that same person in the real world."
The edges of the crystal were beginning to join up, and Treize was almost afraid of moving, of thinking too much, for fear that the entire idea would fall apart and not be recoverable. /Go slowly... think about every word you're saying.../
"So, it's possible then for the a character in a dream to look like one person but say the words of another?"
"Yes..." Andrew said, eyeing Treize with growing concern. "Treize, you don't seem well. Perhaps I should call someone -"
In one infinitesimal moment, a few molecules moved and the crystal of Treize's thoughts suddenly formed. And what a horrifying thought it was...
"Treize?" the other man said sharply. "I'm calling a doctor -"
"No!" Treize shouted. He stood suddenly and snatched the folder from Andrew's hand, heading out of the office at a run and leaving a completely shocked colleague in his wake.
He couldn't wait for the elevator, but took the stairs two and three at a time until he reached the ground floor and the parking lot next door. The tires of his car squealed as he backed onto the street and gunned the engine, only to end up at a notoriously long red light. Grabbing the file while he waited, he frantically flipped through the pages until he arrived at the notes from Zechs's second session. He scanned the page wildly until he found the words he had remembered in Andrew's office. Zechs was telling him about the dream, about the time when he and Wufei were in the cemetery. With a trembling finger, he read the lines as he waited out the red light.
"... I tell Fei I want to leave. He turns to me and says we can't - that we have to climb the stairs, and suddenly we're not in the cemetery anymore, we're in the bell tower, and he's telling me he never wants to go home - that he wants to stay there forever. He runs up the stairs, laughing in this insane way, and I follow him, but he gets to the roof before me."
"Oh my *God*... why didn't I see this before..." he whispered.
Then the light turned and he put his foot down on the accelerator and prayed he be in time.
End of Chapter 16
(:./kumiko/rr16)
