14 Jun 2002
Ah phooey, everyone's forgetting the storyline. 'mI the only gal who's in the know 'round these parts?!
Zechs: You're the only one pathetic enough to remember a storyline when you can't even remember where you parked your car.
Right-o. On with the ficcage! (Pardon me, gals, it's a long one.)
-------*When last we saw our intrepid rescuers (not exactly last, Zoi's bit was hard to follow-up. Sorry, Zoi.):
Heero remarked to the crowd, half who were gawking at the pleasuring session, the other half averting their eyes, "Well I say it's time to go!" . . .
Treize nodded his head. "That's true. Let's get our gear and ... DAMMIT ZECHS! LEGOLAS! Am I going to HAVE to do that spell again?"
The pair of blonds separated instantly, cowing like kicked puppies, whimpering the same, "No sir, not at all, nope. No trouble from us."
"Hmm . . ." Treize looked doubtful, "Very well then, come along. Let us leave these . . . these "girls".
And thus, the queer--errr, queen--errr, *quest!-seeking voyagers grouped together and set out once again, gladly leaving behind a horde of moaning-
"WAIT!!" Came a distant cry from . . . the distance.
"It's one of those women!" Wufei shouted frantically, "And she's gaining fast! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIVES!!"
The group tensed at his cries, Wufei hid behind Treize, clutching his buttocks in appreciation--err fear.
"Wait," Zechs whispered urgently, attempting to calm the other men, "This one seems . . . different."
"They're all the same! She's going to rob us of our manhood and make us hold her purse in the mall!" Wufei shrieked.
"No," Treize agreed, "This one's different somehow . . . the broad shoulders, the lack of feminine frivolity, the overabundance of repressed sexual urges . . .why, she . . . she's almost male!"
"WAITTT!!" the gender conundrum shouted again, finally catching up to the wary travellers, "I've important news!"
"What say ye, woman?!" Wufei sprung to the front of the group, hard and throbbing--uhhhh . . . *sword* at the ready, "Say your peace, wench and be GONE! For know now that we have no need for such AUGMENTED flesh as that which graces your woolless chest, and if ye should but once foul our mission with thine sordid business, I wouldst RUN THOU THROUGH, and worry NOT the rub of mine consequences, until a much later date, at which time I might laugh at the absurdity of it all over a cup of mocha-vanilla and start a scrapbook."
*group sweatdrop*
"Uhhh . . . melodrama much?"
"AHHHHHH!!" Came Wufei's battle cry as he lunged at the newcomer who easily ducked his blow and watched with no little satisfaction as the irate chinaman fell harmlessly to the ground where he promptly turned into a plateful of spaghetti . . . with meatballs.
The girl regarded the group, who took a collective step backward.
"Hi guys," She said cheerily.
"Uhmm . . . hi." They squeaked.
"What--what's the meaning of this?" Treize asked with as much authority as an archangel might have when one of his underlings has just been turned into pasta . . . and it wasn't his doing!
"Quite simple, really." The girl began, "I'm an author, see--"
"Ooh! Do you write children's books?!" Legolas chimed giddily.
"Uhh, no, not quite."
"Adventure?!"
"Sorta."
"Horror?"
"I used to--"
"Because scary stories make me wet--"
"LOOK! I write smut, okay! S-M-U-T, SMUT!"
This caught Zechs's interest, "Ooh, you mean like . . . *naughty stories*?"
"Those are the ones."
"Pardon me miss," Treize interrupted, "but what, precisely has this got to do with us? And why have you turned our dear 'fei into Lasagna?"
"Shlpashjettic!" corrected the angry gargle from the the pile of spaghetti.
"Yes 'fei, sorry. Why have you turned Wufei into 'spaghetti'?"
"What I'd like to know," Heero interjected, "is *how*."
"Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not just any author, I'm one of the authors of this here story."
"*This* story? What do you mean?"
At that point, Zechs stripped nude, made his way to the front of the group and began speaking, "She means that we're all part of a what is know as a yaoi round-robin. Trow's the uke character, you see, and it's up to the authors, those fine females at Uke-T, to decide who fucks him first. All this adventuring is really just for their entertainment, and to add some interest to the boy-meets-boy, boy-fucks-boy storyline."
Having finished, Zechs redressed and fell back into group formation.
"Basht esplaads ablwout!"
"You're right, 'fei. I think so too."
"How'd you know all that?" Heero wondered.
"Easy," Zechs replied, "She wrote it."
"I suppose she wrote your stripping nude as well?"
"No, actually, that was my idea."
"Nice improv."
"Thanks."
"Yoohoo, guys, still here." The author reminded them, "And I DO have news, so listen up--"
"You're not going to strip too are you?" Heero asked, somewhat warily.
"No."
Somewhere, a little ways back on the hill of moaning women, all activity stopped momentarily when a distant, collective "sigh" of apparent relief echoed over the land . . . from a distance.
At last with the angels in the hellage:
"I don't see no goddamn exit sign..." Trowa growled under his breath, "Where are we supposed to run to in case of emergency?"
"Earth to Trowa," Quatre snickered from behind them, "This is Hell. There aren't any emergencies."
"Well, damn..."
Duo sighed heavily as he sat for a snack. Nothing like a handful of lit matches to quench that hell-thirst.
"So, Q, mind telling me the plan again . . ." Duo asked, popping another cluster of flaming sticks into his mouth.
"DUOOO, I've told you three times already! All we have to do is give Quinze a "dummy" (namely, you) sacrifice and he'll think he's sacrificing the *real* Trowa! Meanwhile, I help Trowa escape, he gets back with Treize's bunch who *might* still be able to get him back to earth, and I get my soul back! I'm heaven-bound!"
Duo thought, which was obvious by the pained expression on his face, "But--but where's that leave me, Q?"
Quatre shrugged, "In hell."
"Aww man! Your plan SUCKS!"
"Nonono!! You'll be in hell with *Quinze*!"
"Oh . . . riiiiight. I take that back, then. Your plan bites MAJOR freaking ASS!"
"Look guys," Trowa intervened, wincing a little at the searing noises Duo's matches were making with every mouthful, "There's got to be a way that we can ALL get out of here, even Quinze. We've just got to think about it."
"Think?"
"Think."
"Think . . . well--aww nevermind."
"NO, what is it Duo?" Trowa asked.
"Well, there's . . . there *is* this 'Get-out-of-Hell Free' card that I won while playing Monopoly with Lucifer once." Duo finally said, brandishing the cryptic black card for all to see.
"Satan plays Monopoly?"
"Yeah, but he's not very good. He's INCREDIBLE at scrabble, though! I didn't even know "prescience" was a word!"
"WHAT?!!" Quatre wailed, "You had that all along?! Why you!!"
While the two demons tackled each other to the ground, Trowa snagged the "hell" card and held it reverently. This was it. They had a way out.
"Guys," he said, "we've got some work to do."
"So, okay," Heero began to recite what he'd been told. The group sat in a large circle on the ground, gathered around a small plate of pasta. "We're getting back Trowa--"
"Dhuhg!"
"Shut UP, 'fei! . . . so we're getting Trowa out of hell . . . and you're saying this won't be too difficult."
"I'm working on it."
"Ok, so then we're going to save Quinze too?! Where the fuck'd that logic come from?!"
"Don't worry, we have our reasons."
"And after that," Zechs interjected, "We'll have an orgy?!"
"Anh-ahh . . ." this time it was Treize's cultured tones, "After that, we've got my slumber party to attend. Don't think I've forgotten."
"Right," the author agreed.
"A slumber party! May I come!?!" Legolas asked excitedly.
"Of course."
"Good then, all is settled," the girl said as she rose from her perch near Zechs, "You should be off now, and DO NOT forget to grope, fondle and kiss each other as much as humanly--err heavenly possible!"
"Hear that?!" Zechs screeched at Treize, "We've permission! Nyah!"
"Oh . . . this will be a long journey."
"So long guys! I've got to get back to the real world."
"Oh,wait!" Treize called to the retreating figure, "I didn't catch your name!"
"Name's Rev! Reverand Maynard!"
"Goodbye, then, thanks for the information."
"Yes, bye."
"Cheerio!"
"Phluckt jouw!"
"Wufei! Don't be rude."
"Nice girl."
"Yep."
"Treize . . ."
"Yes Legolas?"
"There won't be scary stories at this party, will there? Scary stories make me wet--"
Group: "Legolas!"
End of Part 35
And so ends this long portion of our tale. I hope it's been fun and mindful. Godspeed our hapless wanderers and much luck to those below.
The Rev
(:./babaca/rr35)
