The follow up to Once Upon a Time in Sanc
I hope I'm not too late after taking a sidetrip to pick up some cool weapons, thought Sally Po. It's good that Wufei had told her about that secret path to Treize's mansion or else I wouldn't have gotten this far. Now, lets see what my binoculars show me. What she saw astonished her.
Treize was dressed as Tuxedo Mask while he was holding out a sailor uniform to Wufei, who was promptly having a tantrum. Wufei kept shaking his head no and it didn't take a genius to see that he was screaming "Kisama!" Sally frowned. Treize likes cosplay? Then she really thought about it. Treize likes Sailor Moon? Oh, God!
"No, I will not go as Sailor Moon to the local anime convention. Absolutely not!"
"I'll settle for Sailor Mars. She's cooler anyway. It's a perfect match. I want to go out on a date, please, Wu-wu."
"You nut, how about I be Tuxedo Mask and you be Sailor Moon. And don't call me Wuwu!"
"I look horribly inelegant in sailor fuku, Wuki-uke."
Wufei narrowed his eyes. "What was that last word?"
"Nothing, nothing."
Une came in, braids and all. "I heard you just got home. Is this the Chinese mistress you've been seeing behind my back?"
"I'm a guy, you stupid onna!" What's with these people, he thought. I'm the manliest of all the pilots, not that it's saying much, but still...
"You're not going to get Treize without a fight, you... Besides, I'd make a much better Sailor Moon."
"Well, that makes sense. You're already loony."
Une sprang on Wufei and tried to claw his eyes out, but he kicked her away but not before his hair got free of its ponytail and his shirt got ripped open. Treize's nose started to bleed profusely.
It was now an hour later at Relena's place. The pilots had fully made up after that unfortunate incident and Zechs had managed to calm Noin down to the point where she no longer wanted to jump out the window or slash her wrists. Relena was still locked up in her room because nobody wanted to tell the servants that she was OK (well, OK as she'll ever be) and the servants were happy to ignore her.
"Where's Sally?" said Noin. Then they read the huge note stuck to the refrigerator held up by a Pen-Pen magnet.
"I have gone to Treize's house to rescue Wufei. If you care about Wufei at all, you will come and help. Love, Sally."
"Poor Sally," said Noin. "We must cure her."
Zechs rolled his eyes but decided not to say anything.
"Treize, prepare to be ravished," cries Wufei, who throws him unto the bed.
"Delightful!" cries Treize. At last, all my dreams are coming true.
"I will take my enormous manhood and... " then before Wufei's speech became X-rated, the door opened and Sally burst in, yelling, "Wufei, I have to come to save you. Treize, you are going to die." She's about to machine gun Treize when Une wakes up and kicks it out of her hands,causing machine fire to blast out the room's windows. Sally punches Une in the face, then reaches for her pistol. Une reaches for hers and both are pointing their guns at each other at the same moment.
"You will not kill Treize-sama."
"Thank you, Une," said Treize.
"Even if he has bad taste and doesn't know what's good for him."
"Une!"
"Women shouldn't be fighting," howled Wufei.
Sally says, "I want to kill Treize and you want to kill Wufei. How about I take Wufei away from here, solve both our problems without bloodshed."
"I must insist that the she-wolf-ei must die."
"Then that's a problem. And, uh, Wufei's a guy."
"If that's so then my eyeglass prescription must be changed."
Both women continue to point guns at each other. "You know the guards will be here in just a few seconds to kill you."
"Treize, I demand you let Sally go!" said Wufei. "Or you will not get any nookie!"
Treize sighs. Why does something always happen at the last minute. "But if it's a woman killing a woman, there's no problem with honor."
"If I let it happen while I'm here, it's utterly dishonorable! Besides she's not bad as women go."
Sally rolls her eyes. "Oh, ah, thanks Wufei."
Then there's a sudden explosion.
A servant rushed into Dorothy's room where she was practicing her fencing stance. "There's been an attack on Treize's mansion!" he cried.
"Really?" The G-boys must be trying to rescue Wufei from Treize, she thought. I must go and prevent that from happening. She threw down her fencing foil on her bed and smiled as she pulled out another vial of aphrodisiac from her purse. "Let us go there and assist Treize-sama!" With that statement, she grabbed her rifle and a few darts out of her closet and ran out of the room.
"Yes, Dorothy-sama!" said the servant who ran to keep up with her.
"OK, if I remember correctly, Treize's bedroom is in the east wing," said Zechs to Noin. "The way he is, he's bound to be there with Wufei right now. Sally's probably going there as well."
Duo, Heero, Trowa and Quatre caught up with them, armed with machine guns and bazookas. Strangely, Heero only had his spandex shorts on while Duo only had his boxer shorts on.
"Where are your clothes?" said Noin."
Heero scowled, "Someone took my tanktop and Duo threw his clothes, God knows where."
"Great... " said Noin.
They heard machine gun fire coming from the east wing. "That must be Sally," said Zechs. "We should create a distrac... "
Heero used a rocket launcher and shot one of the missiles at the building, right near where Treize and Wufei were supposed to be.
"Heero! We're not trying to kill them, we're trying to save them!" cried Duo.
"Kya!" screamed Lady Une as she was knocked off balance. Sally leaned against the wall as the building shook. A chunk of the ceiling came off and knocked Treize unconscious while Wufei fell on top of him. Sally took a little capsule of the antidote equipped with a short needle at the end and promptly stabbed it into his butt.
"Ow!" Wufei screamed. Then the antidote began to take effect. He looked at the unconscious face he was lying on top. "I'm on top of Treize?" He jumps up and turns to Sally with a beseeching look. "I didn't happen to do anything, did I?"
Sally ponders the idea of totally screwing with Wufei's head, but decides that he has suffered enough abuse for today. "No, I don't think so Wufei. Now lets leave. From that explosion, I think Heero and the others are here." She takes him by the hand and pulls him out of the room.
Une wakes up and sees Treize on the bed. "Treize-sama!" She checks his vital signs and they're all fine. She stands up and says, "Now do you see what happens when your bishonen mania goes out of control. Now you better stay there and behave yourself!" Then she ran out of the room, thinking, When I find those two...
Dorothy arrived at the gates of the mansion or what was left of it. Hmmm, lets see how things are going. Then she arched one of her infamous eyebrows when she saw a pink limo and someone jump out and run across the field. She thought, Oh, is that Relena I see? She smiled. This is going to be tons of fun. She loaded up her rifle with darts.
Treize woke up in his bedroom and stood up with a little bump on his head. His eyes were glowing red and he growled, "Sally Po must die!!" He picked up his pistol and left the room in hot pursuit.
Strangely, despite their lack of clothes, Duo and Heero were causing quite a few casualties. It wasn't because of their marksmanship or the explosive pyrotechnics, though there was tons of that. Quite a few OZ soldiers began passing out from blood loss through their nose upon seeing them run around in such a state of undress. Even more began passing out when Duo's braid became undone. Trowa noticed this phenomenon, whispered to Quatre, and they both suddenly doffed their clothes as well, causing even more OZ soldiers to fall down, twitching with splendid smiles on their blood-stained face.
Noin frowned and said, "I wonder if I should strip as well."
Zechs turned his head quickly to hide a small trickle of blood coming out of his nose.
Une scowled at the destruction. Treize was going to throw a fit about the condition of his mansion and especially right in the middle of a remodeling project, she thought. She stamped her foot. I know my man will get mad if I kill that little toy of his; but, really, a woman has to put her foot down. He will get over it. Why does he eat corn beef from a can when he can have filet mignon? Really, Treize, everyone else thinks I'm beautiful.
She looked out the window and saw Relena Peacecraft running through the field to the mansion through a hail of missiles and shrapnel and pieces of antique furniture. "Why doesn't any of the crap hit her?" Une snapped.
Une then heard machine gun fire. She ran towards it, grim determination on her face, her glasses shining so brightly you'd think that something was wrong with the person who was wearing them and you'd be right.
She turned the corner and saw Wufei and Sally catching their breath next to mountain of OZ soldiers on the ground, a few were wounded, but most were also felled by the sight of Wufei with his shirt open and his hair streaming behind him. Une squeezed the trigger and a bullet hit Sally square in the chest.
Sally fell down. "Nooooo!" screamed Wufei, who then turned to Une, his gun pointed at her.
"Ow!" said Sally on the floor.
Une and Wufei hesitated and frowned, something was wrong with this scenario.
Wufei turned to Sally and said, "Onna, I thought you were dead."
Sally smiled and opened her jacket. Underneath was Heero's tanktop over her shirt. "I couldn't find a bulletproof vest. I figured this would be the next best thing."
Une's blood pressure soared 30 points. I'm going to shoot her through the forehead, she thought. Kill, kill, kill.
"Une?"
She turned around to see the man of her dreams. "Yes, Treize-sama."
"You didn't try to kill Wufei, did you?" Treize said in a voice that indicated that a "yes" would be the wrong answer.
"I was trying to kill Sally," Une replied.
"Excellent," Treize said. "Go somewhere else, I will take care of this."
"It's too dangerous, Treize-sama."
"Une, you're hurting my feelings. You don't want to do that, do you?" Treize gave her a little pout. Une sighed, He just knows how to push all my buttons. Une left the hallway.
"I know you're just around the corner," said Treize after fifteen seconds.
"Drat!" said a voice, then they heard someone run off.
Now Sally would've gladly put a few dozen pieces of lead into Treize except Wufei was pushing a pressure point on her arm so her trigger finger would be numb until he stopped pushing. "You're not still in love with him, are you?" said Sally.
"Absolutely not!"
"If you are, well, hmmm, perhaps Rashid or Ahmed would enjoy some coffee... "
"Don't even think of... " began Wufei.
"Surrender Wufei," said Treize to Sally. He had his pistol pointed at her. "Or I'll kill you."
Wufei fumed. He had about enough of this insanity, and cursed the pride that made him want to duel this guy again. So he did the only thing left. He pulled down his pants.
Treize fell backwards, a geyser of blood coming from his nose. It was not a pretty sight; Une, on first glance, would think he'd been shot in the face once she came to look on how he was doing. He would later be diagnosed with anemia. Sally facevaulted and said, "There's soooooooo much I didn't know about you, Wufei."
Wufei blushed as he quickly pulled his pants up. "I have never used this in my entire life." Oh, God, why did I say that, he thought.
"Someone should teach you," said Sally, smiling. Ah, who should it be, she thought jokingly. "Now, how about I make Treize a corpse and you can just get therapy?"
"NO!"
Of all the nerve, Relena thought. Leaving me locked in my room! I'll show them who the Queen of the World is. Why even the laws of physics that dictated that I should have been blown up 100,000 times bow at my feet! Miraculously, bullets whizzed around her and shrapnel bounced off the strange forcefield that protected her.
Zechs saw her running towards them and was reminded of a family legend that occasionally, the fairies would take human chlidren and leave changelings, fairy children, in their place. That's the only explanation, he thought.
"Where's Heero?" scowled Relena.
Zechs said, "Aren't you going to ask me if I'm OK or not?"
Relena said, "Well, I can see you're OK."
Noin scowled at the person she saw as a potential sister-in-law. God, a little consideration for one's own brother would be nice, she thought. Really now! I hope we move far away from you so you don't visit and poke your nose into our business once we get hitched. "Be nice to your brother, he's the only one you have!"
Relena glanced at her without saying anything. Then she began brushing off the dust and little bits of debris from her clothes. "Oh, dear, I shall have to do something about this!"
Dorothy was watching all this from above. Hmmm, I just need a few more people to come in before I put my plan into action. Then she saw Trowa, Quatre and Duo enter the room below. Ah, perfect, she thought. She brought up the rifle and shot three times.
Wufei came up with a brainstorm. "Sally, we should inject Treize with the drug so he'll fall in love with Une. That way, she'll become sane and he'll stop bothering me."
Sally smiled, "Excellent plan, but I only brought the antidote. I should ask Heero if he saved any of the original drug. That would solve all our problems."
Wufei smiled as well, not knowing that in another part of the building, Une was sobbing over the fallen, but not dead, body of the man she loved.
"You bastards, how could you mar the perfection that is Treize Khushrenada!" She took her handkerchief, wiped her tears away then wiped his face clean. "I must and will slay you both. I'll simply kill a soldier and blame your deaths on him."
She put Treize into a nearby bedroom and said while laying him down on a bed, "I'll be right back after I take care of all your problems. This is all for your own good." She gave him a kiss on the forehead then pulled her gun, thinking, I'm going to boot Wufei's nuts into his body, then put a hole into Sally's head.
Trowa was smiling at Zechs, saying, "I have thought it out and you are the man for me."
Zechs went, "Gyaaa!" and tried to run away from him, but Trowa did his famous triple-axle leap and stood in front of him, barring escape.
"Such lovely hair," sighed Trowa. "I can't do a thing about mine."
Meanwhile, Quatre was holding Noin by the hand, saying, "You are the heart of my universe, my dearest plumquot."
"Just wait a minute... "
"And you have such lovely hair."
Noin blushed. "Nobody has ever complimented me on my hair," she wept.
"I will make you mistress of all my lands and possession and I'll shower you with all that you could ever wish," Quatre said, getting down on one knee and kissing her hand.
Meanwhile, Relena was saying, "I've been a fool, I'll devote myself to you only. Heero Yuy is an obsession I'm finished with."
She was saying this to a mirror.
Duo, having seen a glint from the corner of his eye, had taken shelter behind a couch and daren't come out lest he be slashed with Relena.
Dorothy pondered for a second. "I'll match Une with Heero. The most beautiful and ruthless woman of OZ (besides me, of course) and the most brilliant pilot would create the most amazing children, whose very existence would dazzle the world. As for myself, I will take Duo Maxwell. Or perhaps I should take Heero (he's more my type) and slash Duo with Une." She had briefly considered slashing Quatre with Une, thinking how powerful Une would be with that much money behind her, but she figured Quatre would be gnawed to bits in 10 seconds by that ferocious woman. Ah, that should slow everyone down for a while, she thought. That'll leave Treize free to flee with Wufei.
The gun was knocked out of her hands with a well-aimed shot. She turned to see Heero glaring at her, a gun in his hand...
"Enough!" he said. 3X6 just isn't my taste, he thought. And I really do not want Duo matched with anybody else. He would've shot her, too, except at that moment, Wufei ran into him, slamming him to the ground. Dorothy picked up her gun and ran. I only have one shot left, she thought.
"Omae o... " snapped Heero.
"Heero!" yelled Duo from below. "Is it safe to come out?"
"Yeah!" yelled Sally.
"Cool, we found you! Is Wufei with you?"
"Yup!"
"Awesome! Heero, do you have any antidote? Quatre's been promising Noin his hand in marriage while Trowa's been flipping around Zechs, making him dizzy."
"How about Relena?"
"You know, talking to herself like usual."
"I'll be right down." Heero jumped off the balcony, head first, and landed on the sofa, right below.
Duo gasped, "Oh, for God's sake, use the stairs!!!"
Zechs ran into the room, totally terrified of Trowa who kept doing cartwheels after him. Wufei hopped off the balcony and did another No-Shadow kick which threw Trowa very far away again. He executed further martial arts action that slows his fall so that he lands on his feet gently.
Sally frowned, I hope that Trowa doesn't end up with brain damage from all that trauma. She turned to use the stairs when she saw Une climbing up, a gun in her hand. "Just find some other guy!" yelled Sally.
Une said, "Let us settle this like women!" Une held out her hand and the magical hammer used when one is irritated appeared.
Sally nodded and the magical hammer also appeared in her hand. Then they started to try to bash each other's brains out with their hammer while also attempting to kick box. The fighting got so furious that a whirlwind caused by the velocity of their kicks and the whirling of the mega-sized hammers, caused part of the roof to blow off and the walls to crumble. The cursing that issued from their mouths caused the rail of the stairway to soften and melt. Red and blue lightning flew around them and the sky overhead got quite dark. They both jumped in the air, they tried to kick each other, but merely ended up trading sides.
"How is it that we suddenly know kung-fu?" asked Une.
"I don't know, but I have this incredibly urge to start talking about avenging my master," replied Sally.
Then they continued to fight. Wufei could only weep from the sheer nostalgia at this manifestation of his childhood memories watching matinees of Chinese Martial Arts movies from New Hong Kong with his cousins and childhood friends. Meanwhile, Duo got on his knees and began praying that someone would keep the Apocalypse from happening. Heero began monitoring the situation with his computer, Trowa took notes, Zechs held an unconscious Noin who had passed out in absolute terror, Relena kept looking at the mirror oblivious to the real world and Quatre was holding unto Trowa.
Dorothy thought, Hmmm, I can get rid of two of Treize's problem with one shot, then squeezed the trigger.
Sally watched as Dorothy shot Une. She waited for Une to fall down, but she only stumbled forward. Both the hammers disappeared. Then Une stood up and smiled at her. "Sally Po, you are so marvelously butch!"
Sally Po's face went quite chalky as Une threw off her glasses and unbraided her hair. Then Sally ran down another flight of stairs, screaming, "Kyaaa!"
"Come back! Treize is nothing compared to you!" said Une.
Meanwhile, everyone else was cured. Strangely, Trowa and Quatre weren't quite as upset as they had been the previous time. They merely patted each other on the head and said sweet nothing to each other. Relena kept talking to her reflection about how lovely and brilliant she was while Zechs laid poor Noin out on the nearest couch. Heero was busy hacking into anything vaguely electronic, hoping to get some information while Duo kept the soldiers unconscious by walking around in his shorts.
Wufei, in the meantime, looked for Sally, running around, freaking out.
Then he heard someone's muffled scream and walked out the door to see Une driving off with a handcuffed and gagged Sally next to her. "Mmmmphh!"
"Say, Sally, how about we dress like Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus for the anime convention?"
Sally violently shook her head no, but was ignored.
Wufei yelled, "Kisama, come back with my woman!" Then he got on his motorcycle and drove after them.
Treize wandered into the room where everybody was. "What's going on and where is Wufei?" Then he caught sight of Zechs. "Zechs, what are you doing here?"
"Why are you dressed as Tuxedo Mask?"
Treize sighed, "I was hoping to go to the local anime convention, but nobody wants to dress up as Sailor Mo... " Then a wicked smile came over his face.
"Let's drink some wine for old time's sake." Five minutes later, two male voices could be heard singing the Sailor Moon song. The GW pilots shrugged, then took the still unconscious Noin, Relena and Relena's mirror back to Sank Kingdom.
And Dorothy lived happily ever after.
The End
(:./mk/svs133)
