20-Apr-2000
Warnings: some Relena abuse, OOC & Dorothy chortling. I shook my piggy bank of ideas, and ELZ and ELTr aren't coming out. =( I really don't know why I like Dorothy as a magician, but she's most entertaining when she's thinking sarcastic thoughts about Relena. =)
"Oh, Dorothy," said Relena. "I am so miserable."
Yes, you definitely are, thought Dorothy.
"How can I get Heero to return my affections? There can't be anybody else that he be thinking of, can there?"
Dorothy barely kept from chortling with laughter. "Oh, anybody else with Heero? Imagine that!" Hmmm, lets see, thouught Dorothy. There's me, angel-boy, death-boy, bang-boy, uptight forehead-boy, Zechs-sama and Treize-sama.
"I know that you practice the dark arts," murmured Relena. "Surely you must be able to do a simple spell to boost his already existing attraction towards me... "
Dorothy turned away and put her hands over her face to stifle the laughter that was pouring from her mouth.
"Is something wrong?" said Relena.
Dorothy turned around and said, "I'm sorry I just had a little coughing attack. I'm over it... " For now, anyway, thought Dorothy. The first spell the Queen of the World, the Advocate of Pacifism, and it's about Heero Yuy. She dug her nails into her palm to keep from cracking up again. "I'm sure that I can manage something."
Dorothy turned around and said, "I'm sorry I just had a little coughing attack. I'm over it... " For now, anyway, thought Dorothy. The first spell the Queen of the World, the Advocate of Pacifism, and it's about Heero Yuy.
She dug her nails into her palm to keep from cracking up again. "I'm sure that I can manage something."
"Oh, excellent, please do so. Is there anything that you need?"
"No, nothing except a lock of your hair."
"Oh, if that's all then... "
Dorothy took out a pair of scissors and was tempted to give the Queen of the World a big bald patch, but then she thought, No, one must never go for the cheap thrill. One must be elegant & discreet. She merely cut a one-inch long lock. "That will be all, Relena-sama," she said, keeping herself from using a dismissive hand gesture, a non-obscene one by the way.
Dorothy immediately then went to her room and took out the sword she had used to strike at Heero Yuy. She took a little bit of the dried blood from that last fight and put it on a silk cloth. Opening the windows and doing a spell to keep the fire alarms from going off, she then proceeded to place in a beaker, added various mysterious items like wheatgrass juice and lint from the socks that end up disappearing in the wash, then drew the magic protective circle around it. However, when she heated the mixture to activate the spell, the beaker shattered. Luckily the circle protected Dorothy from harm.
Odd, thought Dorothy, it shouldn't be doing that and I've already done it several times before, so my technique shouldn't be at fault. She flipped through her Joy of Magic recipe book and read, "The limitations of this spell are these:
"1. Does not work if either party has found their true love and consummated it
"2. Does not work if either party is non-human
Dorothy made a face at that requirement. What the heck does that mean?
"3. Does not work if either party is magical in nature
"4. Does not work if pairing the two is a crime against the Universe."
Dorothy then said sarcastically, "Oh, wonderful book of magic, what recipe should I use now?"
The book miraculously flipped to another page.
"Hmmm, a delusion spell? Oh, my... Warnings... " She read them and sighed. "This will have to do" She then read the recipe. "First, take off all of one's clothes... " She raised an eyebrow.
"Wufei?" said Sally as she drove her favorite neurotic down the freeway to Sanc.
"What?" said Wufei, squeezing the hilt of his saber, looking rather antsy and excited.
"Why do you want to go to Sanc Kingdom so much?"
"I heard Treize will be there. I have determined that he must die on my sword. I will make him fall before me after I show him that Wufei Chang is a man!!!"
Sally sweatdropped. Wufei, I don't know which is scarier. The fact you don't know the Freudian implications of what you are saying or that you're thumbing your sword just like...
Zechs was hitchhiking at the edge of the road when a man driving a convertible with his shirt open stopped by and smiled.
"What happened," said the man.
"My Gundam broke down." Then Zechs said, "Treize, what is with the Akio Oohtori sex convertible act?"
"You mean you don't like me driving a huge convertible with my shirt open?" pouted Treize.
Relena woke up and thought, I wonder if Dorothy has completed her spell yet. She put on her best suit and walked out just to see Dorothy smiling. "Has the spell been completed?"
"Oh, yes, Relena," said Dorothy. I had to dance naked around the sacred pole in the middle of a flaming circle for about 15 minutes, but it'll be worth it. "I'm sure Heero will pay much more attention to you." Especially since this delusion spell will cause the male beholder to see the one he most truly wants in you.
Relena's eyes glazed over and she sighed. "At last he will know the face of true love."
Dorothy then excused herself by saying, "I shall take my leave, Relena-sama." With that, she sneaked off to her room and used a scrying mirror to watch the action.
Relena went up to Heero and smiled. "Heero, isn't this a nice day to go out?"
Heero then glanced at her, then did a double take. He puts his arms around her and says, "I've been wanting to see you for so long... "
Relena smiled, enraptured and closes her eyes...
Heero, however, finished his sentence. "Duo... "
Relena's eyes fly open. "Say what?"
Dorothy laughed. Oh, my, she thought, It IS death-boy!
"My name isn't Duo. It's Relena!" Relena screamed.
Heero blinked at her and then said, "Oh, no, OZ must have done something terrible to your memory if you think you're a woman!! And especially that one!"
"I knew it!" yelled Quatre. "I tried to keep my suspicions to myself, but... Trowa, how could you?"
Dorothy threw her arms around her stomach from the spasms of laughter. Oh, wonderful, bang-boy and angel-boy.
"What are you talking about?" said Heero, stepping back from Relena. "This is Duo."
"I'm not crazy... now. I heard all about your month-long escapade all over Europe. Was it romantic! Of course, Trowa is so unimaginably gorgeous, I can't blame you too much for throwing yourself at him. But Trowa is mine, mine, mine!"
Heero rolled his eyes. "Considering that you blasted at him with a mega-weapon."
Quatre then cries and then wraps his arms around Relena's waist. "I'm soooooo sorry, Trowa. I can't imagine the suffering you went through because of me, but my space heart told me you were alive. I'm so happy to see you."
"Pargan!" yelled Relena, especially after feeling a bit of how happy Quatre is through his pants.
Pargan rushes in upon hearing his mistress' voice. Once he gets there, blood erupts from his nose. What is Miss November from my Playbutler magazine doing here? And why are these two boys manhandling her? He thought. A glint of chivalry and lust flashed in his eyes. The old man rushed right over and decked Quatre.
"Pargan!" cried Relena.
"Let go of Miss November!" said Pargan.
Oh, no, not again, thought Relena. I must talk to that witch and quickly. She ran off while Heero gave Pargan an expertly delivered blow to make him unconscious.
Heero was about to run after the person he thought was Duo when Quatre grabs him by the legs and screams, "Run, Trowa, run!"
Relena ran through the halls when she heard someone say, "Kisama, tell me where Treize is now!"
Relena runs the other way only to bump straight into Wufei. Damn acoustics, she thought.
"Onna... " Then Wufei pauses and says, "Nataku, you have shrunk to human size." Then he screams, "MY NATAKU HAS SHRUNK! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?"
Sally, looking for Wufei, sweatdrops. Oh, lord, I hope Nataku isn't what the heck I think it is.
He thinks I'm his gundam, thought Relena, eyes narrowing. It's not bad enough I get mistaken for a boy, but now a machine? Dorothy Catalonia, omae o korosu!
Meanwhile in a far away hospital, Une discovers that she is floating above her comatose body. I seem to have become a spectral entity, thought Une. I must now go and find Treize-sama!
The palace guards, who are unarmed by the way, see Treize and Zechs and say, "Are you armed?"
"No, let us show you." they chorus, then they flash open their shirts. The guards fall down, noses a bleeding.
"We should do this more often, Treize," remarks Zechs as they walk through the front gates. "I wonder how my sister is doing.
Meanwhile, Noin is wandering the halls, getting over the very last bit of a hangover when she sees Wufei glomping Relena. "What is going on?" says Noin.
Wufei turns to Noin, infuriated "You, you did this to my Nataku," he said, pointing to Relena.
"Did what? What's Nataku?"
"You shrank my mecha, my other half, a part of my soul."
"Wufei, be quiet," says Relena.
"Nataku talked? To me? Do not worry, beloved, I will... "
Relena smacks him.
Wufei suddenly turns teary-eyed and says, "Nataku, you hit me." Then he runs off, weeping. I'll show Nataku I'm worthy of riding her. She'll see, then it'll be just like always.
"Who am I?" said Relena.
Noin frowns. "You're Relena, of course."
"Oh, thank God, somebody recognizes me." Then she promptly collapses in Noin's arms.
Sally bumps into Treize, then tries to run off, but Treize grabs her by the arm. "Wufei is here, isn't he? He's coming to make me feel his Justice and thrust his sword at me, right?"
Sally sighs, and says, "Treize, I really think that... "
"Treize, I have come to finish you off," said Wufei.
"Oh, man!" exclaims Sally.
Dorothy is looking through her mirror at seeing Treize and Wufei confront each other. She promptly does her little happy dance and chants, "13X5, 13X5, 13X6X5. Oh, YES, YES!" Then her vibrating beeper went off. She reached under her skirt and looked at it. She frowned. "Spectral activity nearby?"
There's a knock on Dorothy's door. It is Noin, carrying a comatose Relena. "You did this to her, didn't you?" said Noin.
"Me?"
"Cut the crap, Catalonia! Unlike her, I still have a few neurons that actually fire. I suggest that you do something before she gets any worse than she already is."
"Noin, you are so sexy when you stop acting nice and you act like the butch dominatrix you were always meant to be. Oh, spank me, spank me, Noin!"
Noin, exasperated, proceeds to give Dorothy the spanking of a lifetime.
Wufei is about to pull out a sword when he starts screaming bloody murder. "Ahhhhhh... . I see the ghost of that braided bun onna with the personality disorder!!!" He points to a space to the left of Treize.
Treize turns to where Wufei is pointing and sees Une with a little white triangle connected to a white string on her head, the Japanese folktale symbol of a ghost. "Une, you should be in bed resting."
"Treize-sama, I floated all this way to see you."
"Oh, Une, you always overdo things. Honestly," said Treize putting his hands on his hips.
Une then turns to see Zechs. "How dare you say you can't be Treize-sama's friend anymore? Everyone should Treize-sama's friend!"
Zechs decides to keep his mouth shut, especially around an entity like Une. Also, he wants to keep his pee-pee in his bladder, considering that her sudden appearance nearly made him do a number one in his oh, so fine briefs. .
"Chi," remarks Sally. "The way he keeps picking guys up, it will soon become a reality."
Une then sees Wufei looking scared at her. "You anal boy. I will teach you a lesson for continually trying to kill my Treize-sama!" She then promptly disappeared.
Wufei suddenly collapses, then stands up. He walks over to Treize and says, "Oh, Treize-sama, what do you want me to do to Wufei?"
"Une?" Treize said, looking at the now-possessed Wufei smiling and winking at him.
"Yes, it is I, beloved!"
Treize's nose erupts showers of blood despite himself.
Sally turns to look at Wufei and says, "Get out of him. He already has enough personality disorders as it is. He doesn't need to be possessed by a female ghost with her own problems."
"Damn straight!" says Zechs, who doesn't want a gooey Wufei pawing at HIS Treize.
Treize then takes out his cell phone and punches in a few numbers. I know you're in this building, thinks Treize.
Dorothy's pager goes off. She stands up abruptly during Noin's spanking and reads the message.
"Oh, no, Treize-sama is in trouble."
"But how about the spell you cast on Relena?"
"Simple, burn a lock of her hair in the magic circle in the test tube over the bunsen burner along with this written magical incantation," Dorothy hands Noin a long strip of paper.
"How about the spanking?"
"You know I'll be back," then she gives Noin a little growl.
Noin smiles back.
Meanwhile, Une inside of Wufei's body is pawing at Treize, saying, "Treize-sama, I know this is a boy's body, but my own body's in a coma and I haven't had it in a long time... " Wufei's eyebrows go up and down in a significant way, then Wufei's hands begins patting Treize in a very special way. "Let me take care of Mr. Happy." Then those hands take off the oh-so constrictive hair band.
"Oh, my," says Treize, his Mr. Happy standing at attention. He's never imagined Wufei acting like this.
"TREIZE!" says a very pissed Zechs.
Sally pulls out her gun and says, "Une, move Wufei's body away from Treize NOW!" Oh, Lord, Wufei's going to be pissed once he finds out what Une's done, she thought.
Wufei's body whirls around and hisses at Sally. "As if you'll actually shoot Wufei."
"I'm not aiming at you. I'm aiming at Treize," replies Sally.
Heero and Quatre are wandering around, looking for Duo and Trowa when a butler walks up to them and says, "Videophone call for you two."
"Thank you," says Quatre. They're led to a monitor and push the button. On the screen is Trowa and Duo.
"Trowa! Duo! Where are you two?"
The other G boys smile and say, "We're taking the next shuttle in," says Trowa.
Heero frowns, "You're not already here on Earth?"
"Oh, you wish. We're coming ASAP. Pick us up at the Sanc spaceport, would ya? Love ya, bye." With that the screen went blank.
"Then who was that we saw?" Quatre said.
Both pilots scratch their heads, totally confused.
Une yells, "Don't you even try it!" She moves Wufei to shield Treize from Sally's aim. It's a nonsensical act considering that she could still go for a head shot.
Dorothy runs down the stairs and says, "Une! Get out of Wufei's body now!"
Wufei's body starts to growl and the room becomes very cold. Fog seems to seep into the room and Wufei begins to rise from the floor. "Noooooo!" says what seems to be more than one female voice. Then his head spins 360 degrees.
Zechs and Treize hold onto each other, totally terrified.
Dorothy puts both her hands up and a bolt of lightning comes out hitting Wufei's body. A strange mist appears and flies off as Wufei looks as if he's having a seizure. Then he drops right into Sally's sure hands. She checks his pulse and eyes.
"Is Wu-chan OK?" says Treize.
"He's alive," says Sally.
Wufei wakes up and then starts crying and ranting about the injustice of it all.
"He's fine,"says Sally.
And in the end:
Heero and Quatre wait at the spaceport, awaiting their true loves' imminent arrival.
Pargan happily "reads" the newest edition of Playbutler magazine that has just arrived in the mail.
Une continues on her journey to another dimension.
Dorothy and Noin are too busy groping each other to care about what's going on. Relena opens her eyes, then goes back into a coma when she sees what Noin and Dorothy are doing.
Meanwhile, Treize hustles his fellow conspirators of pleasure (Zechs, Wufei and Sally) into his convertible of love.
Zechs scowls, saying, "Why are we taking Wufei and Sally?"
"Wufei's coming and that's final!" says Treize.
"And Sally?"
"Unfortunately, she's the one in charge of adjusting his prescription dosages."
Sally smirks.
And they all drive to the End of the World and are never seen again.
The End
(:./mk/everybody6)
