12/07/AC205
She wants me out. That is, she says one of us has to go, and she knows that if it's her or me, I'd rather it be me.
I'm not kicking my _wife_ out onto the streets.
14/07/AC205
I'm staying with Heero, but he wants me gone soon. Says I have to find a place of my own. Guess he wants to be able to be alone with Natalie when she visits. She hasn't been over while I've been here. They must really hate having someone else around to have to deal with.
I never thought Heero would think of me as 'in the way'.
Hopefully, in a few days I'll be home again. Hilde doesn't mean for this to be permanent.
21/07/AC205
I'm in a small apartment. Heero found it for me. Found it through Natalie. The girl she was staying with, Bella, just moved out the other day. So now I guess Natalie can move in with Heero, now that he's got me gone.
Having a girlfriend makes him act strangely. He's distant, and won't even talk to me about her. Never brings her up, and denied everything when I asked. I don't get what the big deal is--why all this _secrecy_? I thought he'd got past playing Mister Mysterious.
Bastard just always has to show off for the girls.
And I just run to him whenever I have a problem, crying for his help. Like a precious little pet that practically needs someone to piss for it.
Everyone around me is pulling away, and all I seem to be able to do is sit around moping and hoping they'll return to me. But I'm _not_ going to go kneeling at their feet, clinging on in hopes they'll take me back.
It's so stupid... it all finally happened over a bed, you know.
I asked Hilde where she'd been sleeping, that stupid day the other week when I ended up leaving the house, and she said on the sofa. I should already have realised that. She mustn't--it's bad for the back, and I told her so.
She _refused_ point blank to sleep with me, even just share a bed, and she said that if _she_ wasn't allowed to use the sofa, then neither was I.
We've been together nearly ten years and now she suddenly won't share a bed. She'd rather help me pack my bags and push me out the house. And I ended up with Heero.
He was alone, he helped me in, and the first real thing he said after I'd explained was, "so you're getting your own place?"
I looked up incredulously and just gaped. He tried to brush it aside, make me believe he hadn't meant he didn't want me around... if I didn't know him so well, I might've bought it. He didn't ramble, or hesitate, or swallow his words. He was clear and precise as always. Much more clear and precise than usual. So I knew he wasn't comfortable with what he was saying. It was obvious.
So I laughed a lot, and mentioned Natalie, and got him to smile a couple of times, although I know he feels guilty that his own love life's picking up just as mine's coming apart.
That makes me feel warm--his guilt. He feels bad and I smile. That's wrong.
I guess I still like being reassured that someone gives a damn. I still scrape around for every scrap of affection I can find. I'm still such an idiot over love.
I took Hilde for granted I know, but I still don't feel I saw her as less than my wife. And now I don't know how to think of her--how to be when I'm with her. It always used to be clear exactly what was the right way to behave, but now suddenly all my relationships are in a mess. I don't know what I am to Hilde any more. I'm her husband, but she won't have sex with me. I'm her friend, but we're in love. We're in love, but she says there's something wrong. And she says that I do better with Heero, but he won't even tell me what's on his mind, and practically kicked me out of his house so that he could be with some girl he won't even tell me he's with.
Every time we were talking, he didn't want to be, and every time we were silent, he turned away. Sometimes he just up and left, rather than sit in the same room and be quiet with me.
I know I can't mean less to him, but if someone else means more--but I just can't have him carry on being this way! He'll get over it after a while I know, they both will, and I know he'll apologise, and Hilde will smile for me, but that doesn't make things right now any better, not at all. Because it isn't meaningless to any of us, and I just can't understand why they choose to have this pain!
22/07/AC205
Hilde came to visit and took a look around the new place.
"It's nice," she said and looked sad.
Things went the way they have each time we've seen each other since I moved out. We talked about little things, as if we were still the way we used to be, and I said something that should have been funny, and she gazed at me as if I'd broken her heart, and didn't cry, or say a word. So I hugged her and told her she's looking good. She is--she always does. And I said she should give Heero some tips.
She frowned when I said that, and I couldn't tell why. I asked if I'd done something wrong, and she looked at the floor and said no, and she'd have to visit again.
"I miss you," I said, "I miss having you around. You're becoming like someone I don't know but do..."
There were more things I should have said, but I couldn't find them--I don't know what it is Hilde needs to hear, what I have to do to get things back how they were.
She shook her head, and half laughed. I couldn't see her eyes, but I know they weren't bright like they should be, or warm like they were for one second after she said she missed me too, just before she turned and walked out the door.
She called out an ordinary goodbye as she got in her car, and I shouted back, "See you again soon!" And it all sounded right, for the end of a visit by casual acquaintance that means slightly less than the carpet beneath your feet.
tbc
(:./psyche/best11)
