05-Dec-2000
See part 1 for disclaimers, spoilers, and what not.
Everytime the day darkens down and goes away
pictures open in my head of me and you.
Silent and cliché all the things we did and didn't say
covered up by what we did and didn't do -
going through every out I used to cope
to make the repetition stop.
What was I supposed to say?-"Waltz #1", Elliott Smith
I woke up not so long after, the feeling of the tops of my feet being dragged along the ground and two sore spots in my armpits from rough hands jarring me awake. I took a gasping breath as the movement stopped suddenly and the hands hauled me upright. I immediately started coughing, the air hot and dry in my lungs, my midsection burning. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.
Then I remembered that someone had.
Then I remembered what was happening, and I almost wished I had stayed unconscious. No, not what a Gundam pilot should be thinking, but it's what I thought, nonetheless.
The door in front of me looked like every other prison cell I'd been in since I first went to war over two years ago. And inside, I started panicking, because I didn't want to be trapped in that little space; I knew this time, there wouldn't be anyone to save me, that Heero wouldn't show up waving a gun in my face only to drag my sorry ass to safety mere moments later.
~/"I was destined to be killed by you."/~
I steeled myself as the door whirred open and I was pushed inside. It wasn't two years ago, and I knew how to save myself now.
I looked back as I stumbled into the tiny room and caught Trowa's eye. There was something undefinable there, an apology, maybe, a stray thought about Quatre that softened his face for a split second. /Imagine having to send Quatre off to die, Trowa. Imagine it, imagine being stuck in this cell, waiting for the other half of you to be ripped away./
He inclined his head slightly towards me then looked away, an odd look on his normally impassive face.
I remembered what he looked like when I found him in the circus after we thought he'd died, and I realized it was the same look, if only for a moment. Fear. He was afraid.
"Don't you worry about me," I said as cheerfully as possible, my lower lip cracking and bleeding from a fresh cut; one of those cowards had probably hit me while I was out. "I'll be just fine."
"Shut up."
My stomach screamed in agony when the soldier closest to me rammed the butt of his gun into my gut, and I fell to my knees, wheezing.
"Stop," Trowa said. He pulled the soldier away and stood over me for a second. He gave me a long look. "Later."
The soldiers must have thought he was talking to them, because one of them smiled, a nasty smile, and I hoped he was one of the ones who would be guarding me, because I was definitely going to be ready to bust heads when I got out of there.
I looked up at Trowa and winked at him, one hand still clucthing my stomach.
He smiled and I started to wonder if the war wasn't affecting us a little more than we had thought; I don't think I've ever seen him do that before.
I realized I knew practically nothing about the Heavyarms pilot, and I decided that we would all need to sit down and really talk once this was all over.
The door slid shut behind them, leaving me to darkness marred only by a few lines of light that were coming though the small, barred window in the door. My stomach was on fire and I fell to all fours, lowering myself slowly to the ground. /Just for a moment, just until I can breathe again./ I told myself that the pain was all physical and had nothing to do with the battle ahead.
"Let's see," I said aloud to the quiet cell. "Quatre should be here shortly..." I reached into my hair and pulled out two pins attached to a small explosive, smiling grimly through the blood that flooded my mouth from my split lip.
/Quatre would be here shortly/, I repeated. Which meant that Heero had already picked up his Gundam.
I clenched my fist for a second, the sharp pins digging into my palm. It always came back to him. Always.
"Put that thing to good use," he said, grabbing the end of my braid to steady it as he tried to shove a lockpick into it.
"Good use?" I spun to face him, striking a dramatic pose. "I thought you had already found one of those." I batted my eyelashes, and the indomitable Heero Yuy acually blushed, a faint red staining his cheekbones.
He wordlessly tugged me into him using my braid as a leash and I laughed before his mouth covered mine. He pulled back and eyed me sternly. "If you use it like *this* in battle, we're going to have to have a serious discussion."
Instead of answering, I kissed him again, my tongue thrusting into his mouth, and backed him up against his desk, bending him slightly back. "Hontoo ni?" I breathed.
"Soo." And he grinned wickedly.
I shook my head and jammed the pins into the cuffs on my wrists, making quick work of them and snorting softly as they fell to the floor.
The explosive was the next part of the plan, and I licked the back and stuck it on the door, where I knew the locking mechanism was. Thirty seconds later, and explosion sounded, blowing the lock and getting the guards' attention - one of them that nasty one, I noted. Grabbing the doorjamb, I hauled myself up and swung back and forth to build up some momentum.
On my fourth swing, I extended my legs and, with a grunt, slammed into the now unlocked door, splintering the metal off its hinges and sending it crashing into the two unsuspecting guards.
I dropped lightly and posed in the destroyed doorframe. Despite what I knew was happening at that moment with Heero, I had to smile - sometimes it felt great to be a soldier.
I met up with Trowa on the carrier he had commandeered, yelling something about him dropping the ball on my rescue, not like I couldn't have done it without him.
"I wasn't waiting for you," he said, the ghost of a smile on his face.
I turned to see Sally behind me and I feigned insult. Really, I couldn't have cared less. I knew Trowa wouldn't have left me behind, and I had other things to worry about.
Like where Heero was.
Like whether or not he was still alive.
Like wondering if I was ever going to see him again.
Outside, I was back to my usual self, exchanging barbs with Sally. Well, maybe she was the one doing all the insulting. I just stood there in a huff, unable to think of anything to say.
I was more distracted than I thought.
Trowa was looking at me again, and this time I knew he was thinking of Quatre.
/Oh, man, Trowa, I would never wish this on anyone. Not anyone./
We met up with Quatre sometime after that, although in my worry I sort of lost track of time. My breath hitched for a moment as I stared up at my beloved Deathscythe. /Dammit, Maxwell, keep it under control./
/Be a soldier./
~/"I'm a soldier."/~
Quatre broke into my thoughts. "Are you both ready to go?"
"Yeah. Anytime you are." I was a soldier, I had to keep reminding myself of that.
~/"I'm a soldier."/~
~/"So am I."/~
Before I could spin away into the past, Shinigami came to my aid and I slipped into battlemode, the lost boy who missed his lover fading into the background.
So we headed off into battle for what would be the last time, one way or another.
Sandrock landed first, and Quatre took out three mobile suits with a few well-placed swipes with his blades, taking out the weapons, but not killing the pilots.
This was the way we had decided to play it. More effort, more time, but we wouldn't kill anymore.
Shinigami rose inside me and I could feel him desperately wanting to strike, to add more to his lost souls.
I was next, Deathscythe landing as silently as his namesake, and just as deadly.
It felt good to fight, just go on autopilot and take out as many offending weapons as I could. I relished every one, laughing wildly as they were put out of commission. I could hear Quatre, gentle Quatre, in my commlink, telling me to be careful, to stay calm.
"Always, Q-man."
"I know, 02... Duo. Just humor me."
"Come and get it!" I crowed, rounding back to slice through two suits at once, right at the knee joints. They crumpled, and in the ensuing explosion, I didn't see another come up behind me.
"02," Trowa barked. "On your six."
I turned again, just as a buster rifle blast caught my Gundam in the midsection. My head slammed against the side of the cockpit, and there was a sharp pain along my jaw as the flesh was torn.
"Gotcha, 03," I gritted out between clenched teeth, a half laugh, as Shinigami swung his scythe again, catching the suit in the head, just above the cockpit. It swayed for a moment, before crashing to the ground.
I could taste copper, blood oozing down my face thickly to pool in the corner of my mouth. I let go of the controls, and was taken unawares in that split second, Deathscythe stumbling back in the heat of the blast. Suddenly, the Tallgheese was standing between the mobile suit and my Gundam and had disarmed it bodily, thrusting its thermal blade into it and throwing it back about two-hundred feet.
"Gundam pilots," Zechs crackled through our commlinks, "You've done enough now. You must leave us and get out immediately."
"What?" Quatre was the first to protest, a leader through and through. "Get out?" He said something under his breath in a language I couldn't understand, a curse from the tone of it.
There was a stifled chuckle from Trowa, and I would have laughed, too, if I hadn't felt like my face was split in half.
"If we were fighting to destroy," Quatre went on, "We would have been done long ago. But if we did, then there would be no meaning at all in our coming back here."
/So what is the meaning, Quatre? At the end of this, you get to go home with Trowa. Why does my dream have to die?/
~/"My Shinigami."/~
My skin itched.
Noin sounded distressed, like she was pleading with us to get out. She still saw us as children, still thought we were innocents. "But at this rate, you'll die in vain!"
Now I intervened, the thought of any of us Gundam pilots as innocents both striking me funny and causing me a pang of heartache. "If we'd planned on retreating, we would have been gone." Heero flashed in my head, and my voice dropped. "I know it'll be tough to continue fighting."
/It shouldn't be this hard. Wouldn't be this hard for the Perfect Soldier./
"We used to be just like them, Duo," Trowa said, throwing off a mobile suit that had launched itself at him. "They've been coaxed by Dekim into believing that their only purpose in this life is to fight battles."
I flashed to the night I stole Deathscythe, when I made my decision.
~/"Better to be Shinigami than a weapon of mass destruction."/~
My fingers clenched the controls. He was right; we had all been trained with that as our goal, the battle. Outside of that, I had thought I was useless.
But then, I had found meaning. In life, in death, in the battle, and in him.
Noin wouldn't have it. "But you'll *die*."
"Hey, don't worry about it," I said flippantly, hoping the other pilots would understand just how serious I was. "We've gotten pretty good at these losing battles."
My true words were left unsaid: because it was all one losing battle. No one could win here.
And with that, I propelled Deathscythe into the fray, slamming into three more mobile suits. I was swinging my scythe with a frenzy now, unable to discern myself from Shinigami.
Quatre took down two suits, albeit a little less forcefully. "And that's why we've always been able to remain as ourselves."
Ourselves. Myself.
/I am Shinigami./
~/"My Shinigami."/~
Perhaps we were one and the same, after all.
~/"Accept what you have no control over."/~
/So if I'm Death, then let me embrace it./
My scythe was losing power, so I just let it go. "I've got nothing left," I said, the double meaning sharpening an edge to my voice that I had never heard. "But our self detonating devices could take out about half the remaining suits." I paused. "Whaddya think?"
Quatre was surprisingly silent.
It was Trowa who said, "No, detonation should be done away from them. We must limit casualties to just ourselves."
/Ourselves./
"Yeah, I guess you're right." But I didn't believe it. That edge was still there, charging my skin with electricity.
There was something scratching at my core, trying to get out.
There was a blip on my radar. "Above us," I said, my heart stopping. I touched a small square panel of space that showed on my HUD to enlarge the area.
A Gundam. *His* Gundam.
Ice water spread through my veins, and the boy inside me started screaming. /He's alive he's still alive!/ Shinigami hushed him and a calm settled over me.
"Wing Zero!" Zechs said, almost in surprise.
A small smile twisted my lips.
"Heero," I barely heard Quatre whisper.
There was a grunt from Trowa.
We opened our communication channels as Zero hovered over the bunker. I needed to know what was happening, needed to hear Heero's voice.
"...confirm: Your shelter shield is activated?" Heero's steely monotone shot through me, pooling in my stomach.
"What are you planning?" That was Dekim.
Heero said again, "Your shelter is secure, is it?"
/God, that *voice*./ I knew what he was planning to do, knew it would cost hundreds of lives, but at that moment, all I wanted was for us to get out of there.
Now a child's voice sounded, high and thin. Mariemaia. "Of course it is. See for yourself how powerless you really are."
I smiled. /Heero, powerless? I think not./
He proved it seconds later.
"Roger that." His voice betrayed what I knew to be a smirk, and a shiver raced down my spine.
/Please get through this./
Heero's beam cannon powered up and he let loose with a blast that rocked our Gundams and we weren't even near the base.
/Please, please get through this./
The arm holding the cannon was charred and smoking. I touched an area on my HUD to enlarge the picture of Wing Zero, and I saw it stutter slightly as is powered up again.
It flew back from the recoil, and the earth around the bunker exploded upwards.
/Oh, God, please./
I swung my eyes back to Wing Zero, and I gasped.
The Gundam was sparking wildly now, ropes of electricity banding across its surface, wrapping around and over.
I knew that one more blast would destroy Zero, and Heero along with it. I also knew that he wouldn't have it any other way.
"Video commlink to 01," I said steadily.
Heero's face appeared full screen on the display. "Nani? Duo..."
I raised two fingers to my forehead. "Just wanted to say goodbye. Well, see you later, really."
He grit his teeth as a spark flew up from his control panel, burning his hand. Then he looked at me with pained eyes that wasn't from anything that was happening in his Gundam. "Duo..." he said again, trailing off as his target lock sounded. "Locked on target," he said absently, his eyes never leaving mine.
I reached out to the screen, my hand shaking from what I told myself was the aftershock of bullets grazing Deathscythe's left shoulder. My fingers brushed the cool surface of the fiberglass, tracing his cheek lightly, imagining something wamer, softer, imagining the curve of his cheek under my hand, the give of his mouth.
Heero's target lock rang out shrilly, a warning that the bunker was moving out of his scope. He closed his eyes, and said my name again, but firmly, with a finality to it.
"Duo."
It made my stomach twist and a rush of thoughts flooded my brain in the next second that I couldn't stop, images melding one into the next until I thought I would go crazy. It was the sound of my name on his lips when he came, the tilt to his head when he was thinking, the look on his face just before he would have admonished me about something or another if I hadn't kissed him first, the sharp intake of his breath the first time I touched his bare chest.
Deathscythe rocked with another blast and I withdrew my hand from the screen to grab my controls and steady my Gundam.
My head had gone still, the images stopped.
"Wakatta," I said suddenly. "Daijoubu." And I was surprised to find that I meant it.
He opened his eyes at my softly spoken Japanese, and a tender smile stole onto his face. "Yes. It is."
The connection cut, my screen a dead white slate.
Everything went into an odd sort of slow motion. My cockpit was still, so still, white noise buzzing from my display. Shinigami, waited patiently, wrapping me in a soft silence to cushion me against what we both knew was coming.
Heero's beam cannon powered up, seeming to suck in all the light around it, pulling in the distant specks of stars and the halo around the Earth.
And then the world exploded.
"Heero!" I heard Quatre cry dimly though the commlink in my ear. I'm glad someone did, because I couldn't speak, could barely even breathe.
The boy deep inside me broke free and was still screaming as Wing Zero disintigrated in the blast; I could hear it even over the deafening explosion of Maremeia's bunker. There was light all around and I couldn't stop the screaming, wasn't really aware that it was me, until Shinigami took over again, forcing the boy down, quieting me with one hand over my mouth, another squeezing my heart.
I watched as Wing Zero crashed to the ground in total silence.
/I will survive this I will survive this I will survive this.../
AC 198
"Hm? Duo? Hey, Duo, are you in there?" Hilde is waving a small hand in front of my face and I blink hard.
"Aa, gomen," I say, and I think the words surprise me more than it does her.
She just looks at me oddly. "I said, I'm gonna go make dinner, okay?" She speaks softly now, and some of the light has gone out of her eyes.
"Uh, yeah, sure. Great, Hilde." I manage what I think is a smile, but I know I barely make it.
She turns slowly and walks back towards the house and I know she knows I've been thinking of him. We've never talked about it, but she must know that she can't compete with him, not even his ghost, so if she wants me, she gets that, too.
I wish she didn't want me. But then I'd be alone.
/Yes/, I think. /Then you'd be alone./
AC 196
Relena was a little hysterical when we found them, screaming for Heero over and over, looking frantically around corners and behind milling soldiers.
Quatre shook his head, saying something about the strain being too much for her.
Normally, I would have been quick to agree; everyone knew what I thought of the former Queen of the World. But there was something there, something in her eyes, that made me think that maybe she wasn't just losing it, that she *had* seen him.
I looked to Lady Une, who was standing silently by, her eyes also scanning the halls for something. Someone. She caught my eye and looked away.
But I couldn't bring myself to approach her, couldn't bring myself to find out if Heero really was alive or not. If she said no, I wouldn't have been able to take it.
Relena fell silent after awhile, after seeing the look on my face as I watched her yelling for my lover. She never spoke of what had happened inside that base.
I might have went a little crazy afterwards, too, and I tried to track down anyone who would know where Heero was, *if* Heero was. I didn't sleep, I stopped eating. My whole life was to find him.
Wufei, of all people, was the one who calmed me down.
"He died with honor," he said quietly, taking my hand in his and squeezing it. "It's the way he wanted it, the way we should all be so lucky to meet our ends."
I stared at him with eyes that were too dry, too hot, but I didn't cry. Not in front of him.
He must have seen something on my face that said I wanted to cry. "I can look away," he said, solemnly, but with a definite quirk to his lips.
"A joke! First Heero, and now you," I said and laughed. "Will wonders never cease?"
"Crazy American," he said and stood, pulling me with him. "Come. Quatre's worried sick and I have to meet Sally." He pulled on the neck of his Preventers uniform, looking vaguely uncomfortable.
I reached out and undid one button before he slapped my hand away, trying to fight off a smile. "Do you never stop?" he asked.
"Never."
He laughed, and I wished he were staying around, so I could get to know him better.
It was odd, us all going in separate directions. Somehow, this wasn't what I pictured life after the war would be.
Wufei joined the Preventers, and I get calls from him time to time, muttering something about crazy women and their backwards sense of reason, but there was a look about him that I don't think I've ever seen, something softer that made his dark eyes sparkle.
The Dragon was finally starting to lighten up.
Trowa rejoined the circus, at least for a time, spending all his free time with Quatre. We were able to spend a little more time together, like I wanted, and only once did he ever bring up what happened that night on the colony, when he looked at me and saw his feelings for Quatre reflected in my eyes. It brought him out of his shell, however painfully, so some good came out of it.
Quatre, for his part, took over the Winner estate and industry, and was happier than I'd ever seen him. He would get this expression whenever he mentioned Trowa and no matter how glad I was for him, it always shot straight into my heart. But Quatre was always there, and he checked up on me frequently.
"Humor me," he'd say, every talk. "Come to the desert for a little while."
I always politely declined. /Soon. Not now, but soon./
And me. I was waiting. I did other things to make it look like I wasn't, but that was the path I chose. Waiting. And some days, I found myself praying, stiffly, clumsily, but praying.
AC 197
My dreams of Heero were interrupted by a very real voice, or at least, one I thought was real. I was awake instantly and I swear - I *swear* - I saw someone standing outside the bedroom window.
Hilde snuffled when I moved, and I felt an irrational wave of revulsion. I untangled myself from her and pulled on an undershirt before moving as quietly as I could to the back door, hoping that whoever it was
/Please let it be him/
wouldn't have heard me coming.
When I got outside, of course, there was no one there. I remembered how I had acted after Heero died - *left* - and I swore to myself that I wouldn't tell anyone that I had really, for just a moment, believed that Heero had come back to me.
But there were tracks in the dirt that I bent down to touch lightly, rubbing the earth between my thumb and forefinger.
"Duo?" Hilde's sleep-laden voice called from inside, and I straightened.
"Coming."
I told myself that the faint tinge of metal and gunpowder on the air was nothing more than the wind shifting, the scent of the salvage yard drifting uphill.
Even still, it was a few more minutes before I could command my heavy limbs to move and go back into the bedroom, where Hilde was sitting up in bed.
She smiled and turned back the blankets on my side. "Everything alright?"
/No! No, nothing will ever be alright again./
"Just fine."
AC 198
I follow Hilde into the house and move ahead of her to hold the door open, before letting it smack into her rear. She turns and glares at me, and I grin charmingly.
"Idiot," she says, half laughing.
She disappears into the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, "Dinner's in a little while. Go clean yourself up."
I slowly walk to the bathroom and wash my hands. The water runs hot, and my skin is getting red and puckered, but I can barely feel it. I stare at myself and the mirror, at my dim eyes, sharp cheekbones, and thin lips. /Is this it, then? Is this life after the war?/
I find myself in the bedroom, kneeling in front of the bed. /A bed/, I note, like I've never seen it before. /A bed. Not like when-/ A sharp shake of my head cuts off that thought.
There's a small, steel box under the bed where I keep some items from the war. I pull it out now without really thinking about it, and lay it on the bed, just staring at it, my chin to the comforter.
Minutes pass. So long that my knees are getting creaky.
My hands shake as I reach to open it, and I don't even try to pretend it's anything but memories. Just memories, rocking me, setting me trembling.
I pull out each item carefully.
My cross.
My white collar, that I haven't worn for over two years now.
My old hat, dirt practically baked into it.
A spoon I stole from Quatre's the first time we met.
One of Wufei's hairbands that I swiped from his room at a safehouse once when Heero had broken my last one in an effort to get it off.
A small throwing knife from the circus that I had taken when I thought it was the last time I would ever see Trowa.
A crumpled napkin with a now-blurry note, that I'm a little upset to find I can't remember the words to.
A photo of Heero and I.
I hold that one gently, just by the thin white edges.
As usual, I have a wide grin on my face, and I'm ruffling Heero's hair, the fingers on my other hand curled around his wrist. He's wearing that half-scowl, half-smile of his, and is looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
I've just realized I'm smiling, and it feels odd after not doing it for so long. It feels good to know that even though Heero is gone, he and I will always be together, somewhere.
Hilde's calling from the kitchen, but it sounds muffled. The world seems so very far away. I'm caught up in the moment in the photo, and everything dims out except for him.
I kneel there a very long time, my head on the covers, until I feel a sort of spinny darkness come over me, and I close my eyes and see a place where my wait is over and Heero is there to greet me.
Deep inside me, Shinigami stirs, restless.
/Soon/, I say to him. /Not now, but soon./
End Part 2
(:./sparcck/waltz2)
