26-Feb-2003
Title: Street Of Dreams 9/??
Author: Lasha Lee
Email: anakerie@cinci.rr.com
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Pairings: 1x2, various
Warnings: Angst
Here, in this dark room, sitting at this screen, away from everyone else, I am God. Here, in this world, with these lines of code racing across my screen as fast as I can type, here I can be perfect.
Not yet. I'm not perfect yet and that frustrates me because I know it's within my reach. I know that I'm almost there. Just one or two more things to tweak and I'll have it. I've been here before; I know what it feels like when the last piece slips into place and I've done it. That high, that rush, lasts me for at least a few hours before it wears off, and I need to try again, push myself harder, make it better. It's better than any drug, any addiction, any thrill. Perfection intoxicates me.
Maybe because that outside of this computer, it's always been denied to me.
Like a little kid, sometimes I want to pound my fist into the wall and scream "It's not fair! It's not fair that some people have so much going for them and others don't." It wouldn't do me any good. All I'd get in return is patronization, a laundry list of all my "good points", a pat on the head and a cookie. They'll never understand me, what drives me to do this.
My brother, for example. He tries, but he just doesn't get it. How could he? He's tall, and strong, and drop-dead gorgeous. He's good at everything he does, and everyone adores him. Perfect smile, perfect wife, perfect kid. If I didn't love him so much I think at times I'd hate him. Hate for being everything I never will.
But Jazz doesn't have this. This is mine, and mine alone, and no one is going to take it away from me. When this is done, and I start selling it, then people are going to know me for me, not for being Duo's son or Jazz's baby brother. I'll have my own money, my own place to live. Then I can focus on other things, like Meishel.
She makes me so mad sometimes. I love her, but God she's such a nag these days. She doesn't get it either. What does she have to worry about? She and Shan are going to launch their own business and make a mint anyway. She's always pressuring me though, trying to get me to stop working and go dance with her. Or do other things with her that I am definitely not ready to consider at this point. She makes me feel guilty because I won't; she thinks it means that I don't love her.
And she just couldn't keep this to herself. No, she had to go complain to her brother and Gage, and I had to put up with Gage's lecture on the subject.
"It's none of your business!"
"I am married to her brother, Red. When Meishel is unhappy Shan is unhappy and when Shan is unhappy I am unhappy. So therefore it is my business, and as an interested party I order you to start putting out."
"What are you going to do, drug me?"
"Counsel you. You obviously have some hang-ups in area and you need reasoning with. A beautiful young woman wants to make passionate love to you on a beach. I'm sorry, but I just don't see what's so disturbing about that scenario. My first thought is that maybe you'd be more intrigued if it was Shan making the offer, and my next after that was to break your neck if that was the case. You are straight, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am straight."
"Don't get all testy, just making sure. Never can tell on this planet, wonderfully open-minded place. So the problem isn't that Meishel is female. Are you afraid of disappointing her? Because she's as virginal as you are; she's not going to know if you botch it up."
"That's not it either! What part of ‘I just don't want to!' are the two of you not understanding?"
"Because there's no reason for you not to want to. It's like saying you don't want chocolate ice cream."
"I hate chocolate ice cream."
"Okay, poor example then. My point is... "
He'd gone on like that for the next half hour, until Shan showed up to rescue me. Gage was so determined to prove his point that he even graciously offered to let me watch him and Shan going at it, so I could see for myself that it something worth trying. Luckily for me Shan didn't seem to keen on the idea, prompting Gage to call him a "heartless bastard of a brother."
Now I can hear my family out in the living room, getting ready for the Memory Walk.
I understand Otosan's need to know where he comes from. I had the same need myself, once. What I found out wasn't exactly reassuring. What if that same sick need that drove my biological father is in me too? What happens if I decide I like it and I can't stop myself? Maybe that's a crazy way to think, but DNA is a crazy thing. Like with Dad and Jazz. I remember Otosan telling me about the battle fits Dad used to go into when they were kids. How when they were on the Wronith ship the same thing happened to Jazz. One minute he was fine and then all of a sudden he just lost it and went out of control. The thought terrifies me.
I hear a knock on my door. Light and low. There is one person that is always welcome in my private kingdom here.
"Come in, Nadia."
She enters and shuts the door behind her. "Everyone is busy." She explains, looking sad. "They won't let me help." She crawls up on my lap. She doesn't let herself be a kid all that often, and we're supposed to encourage it when she does. My opinion on the matter is that she's fine how she is and no one has a right to decide she needs to change.
Me? Projecting? Never.
She doesn't say anything for a long time, just watches me type. At least someone finds what I'm doing interesting.
"So what's on your mind?" I ask finally.
"I'm in a quagmire of despair." She explains.
Mental note: do not let Gage near my niece ever again.
"Sounds serious." I make sure I don't laugh at her. "And what's made you so sad?"
"Babies."
"Babies, huh? I don't know much about them, Nadia. Except I used to be one. I think." I smile but she doesn't.
"Why do people have to have them?" She wants to know.
"Well, if no one had babies, then there wouldn't be any more people." Privately I'm not sure this would be a bad thing, but I don't tell her that.
"Why can't they just grow them somewhere and pick them when they're ripe?"
"Like your daddy's vegetables?"
"Uh huh. Why do they have to grow inside people?"
"Well, they're working on that, I guess. But right now it's the only way. I don't think a lot of people would want it done another way. Or maybe they would, I don't know. Maybe that's something you can invent when you're bigger."
"I can't wait that long." She shakes her head. "Can't we take the baby out of Mom now and plant it in the field? If I water it, will that work?"
I'll admit there was some logic to it, but I had to turn her down. "No, babies need special things to grow before they're born. They can't grow in fields."
"I have to do something." She insists, and her eyes fill with tears.
"Hey, what's all this about? Why are you so scared?"
"I don't want Mom to die." Nadia whispers.
"Nadia, your mother isn't going to die." I promise, and she glares at me.
"She almost did." Then she adds. "Your Mom did."
"Nadia... " I hug her for a minute. "What happened with you... it was an accident. Just a random little thing. It won't happen again, and even if it did they're watching your mother really close. They'll know if something starts to go wrong and they can fix it. And my Mom... my Mom got hurt. She got hurt really bad, before they knew I was on the way. She was hurt so bad she never got over it. I think the reason she held on for so long was because she wanted to make sure I'd be okay if she let go. Once I was born, she did. But your mother has a lot of reasons not to give in. You're a big one."
"I don't want to be scared any more." She tells me softly. "But I can't make it go away. It's in here." She touches her chest.
"I understand. I get afraid too."
"You do? Is it because you're an asexual loner with sociopathic tendencies?"
I pause. "Something like that." I finally admit, hoping she won't ask me what asexual means. I am so not discussing my love-life with a three-year-old. But given that instead of never letting Gage near my niece again I was considering stuffing him in a blender, the sociopathic part probably fit.
She doesn't press the issue and just sits back watching the numbers on the screen. "That's wrong." She finally says.
"What is?"
"That." She points. "You added wrong there."
She was right, and I groaned. I'd spent the past three days debugging every big mistake I found, completely overlooking one tiny one. I correct the error, blushing, and everything else begins to click into place.
"Nadia, I owe you big time. Whatever you want. Just name it! We'll go right now." I pick her up and swung her around.
"Electronics museum." She says promptly. "And you have to buy me brani bread."
"All you can eat."
Hey, even asexual loners with sociopathic tendencies have to celebrate once in a while.
He tried to stand, but the pain was too severe, forcing him to his knees on the carpet, grabbing his stomach, and gagging again. He couldn't see what he was vomiting, but he could taste it, bitter, salty copper, could feel it sticking to his hands as he crawled across the bedroom floor. His hair was covering his face, matted into his eyes. Several times he nearly blacked out from the pain, but he fought it. Every second counted now; he wasn't giving up any of them without a struggle. Still, he knew he didn't have the strength to make it to the transporter.
The small bedroom seemed to grow to the size of a desert as he inched his way along, his bloody hands finally finding the desk, groping around for the phone he knew was there. He dialed blindly, and tried to ask the voice on the other end for help, but all that came out of his mouth was another gush of blood. The world went dark.
"Because he still loves her, that's why." Gage explained to Shan wearily. "Because he asked me, sort of, to treat her with respect."
"What about her? What gave her the right to say those things to you? Why didn't you let me take her down?" Shan demanded. "He didn't tell me to treat her with respect!"
"Dearest One, she's one of your father's old friends. He'd want you to respect her too."
"I don't care! She's a harpy!"
"No." Gage laughed. "Just a lady who was hurt really bad, and she needs to take it out on someone. She still loves him too, and it's easier to blame me for what happened than it is to blame him. I want it that way. I don't want her harping on him, not now. I'm stronger than he is. I can take it."
"That doesn't mean... "
"It means everything. Right now it means everything. He gave up a lot for me; all that I can do in return is try and make the rest of his life as good as I can. If that means being Lucrezia's whipping boy, then so be it."
Shan ran his fingers through Gage's dyed hair. "I can't stand to see anyone hurting you, though."
Gage caught the long fingers and kissed them. "Life is pain. Anyone who tells you differently... "
"Is trying to sell you something." Shan finished, grinning.
"Ghastly overpriced as well. Pain makes you appreciate pleasure, after all. Of course a little pain in your pleasure isn't so bad either. Depending on the source." He added wryly. He leaned back, wrapping his arm around Shan's waist and laying his head over his maclen's heart. "She can't really hurt me anymore anyway. Not as long as I have you to prove her wrong."
"She is wrong." Shan whispered into his hair. "I am so very glad you're alive."
Gage was nearly asleep under the gentle touch when the phone began to ring.
"Okay, Heero." Rosemary finished up her notes. "I'm ready when you are. Let's see what we can dig up."
Heero reached for the VR helmet just as the phone began to chime, and Duo reached over to grab it. "Yello? What? Gage, calm down! When? Okay, we'll be right there. Just hang on, buddy. We're on the way."
End Part 9
(:./lasha/street9)
