9-Nov-2002
Dedication: For Beline, who asked for a songfic using Isabelle Boulay's 'Un peu d'innocence' which I did not quite manage. Sorry! I hope this at least pleases you a little, Beline.
Hilde is singing a song softly to herself in French. She says it's about being in love with someone, and having him love you in return, and wanting to take him far away from the everyday world. She says it fits us; that Duo and I are a great couple, so romantic and pretty, and that our life is just like a song.
I'm uncomfortable with that idea. I don't want to be a song. But then, perhaps I just want to be special.
I tell Hilde, the song presents an idealised version of love. She smiles and asks if it is the fashion to be cynical. I ask why it is so important to her that Duo and I have the perfect love. Now she's sad and silent.
I shouldn't have said that to her.
I tell her so.
She laughs in my face.
I should try to put things back the way they were a few minutes ago. Hilde and myself, sitting on the lawn, not working.
When we were younger, during the war, we didn't know how to rest when not actually sleeping. Some people don't seem to have that knowledge inbuilt. They have to learn. I learnt watching Duo. He in turn learnt watching me learn from him. How Hilde learnt, I don't know.
We became acquainted after my last battle with Zechs, when the Eve Wars were over. I visited her in hospital several times. She had endangered her life to obtain information on Libra. I wanted to find a way to repay her.
She told me she wasn't a civilian. She was a soldier, doing what needed to be done.
I agreed and apologised.
She tried to hit me, and ended up almost falling off her hospital bed. I caught her, and eased her back on. She scowled.
When I was in hospital, after the Dekim's failed uprising, Hilde came to visit me, with flowers. I think she saw it as payback.
Our next encounter was on 3 April, AC198, at Preventer Headquarters on Earth. By then, we were even, and she knew how to relax.
I think she knew that I'd end up falling in love when she took me to L2 to see Duo. There were quite a few signs that the idea was not far from her mind. I should have noticed.
Duo was surprised to discover that he is homosexual. Which is what happens, when you make assumptions about something so unpredictable as sexuality. Apparently, I *would* think that.
He found himself attracted to me, and took me to a park full of litter that he could've sworn hadn't been there the previous day, and we kissed. He drew back at first--said it felt strange to be kissing *me*--but then he moved in closer, and we tried it again, and this time he brought his arms round me and pulled me closer.
When we returned to his apartment, I expected to have sex, but he shooed me away with a 'maybe next time," and a grin, as if to say, 'I'm looking forward to it.' Perhaps he hadn't got over being uncomfortable as much as he wanted me to believe.
The next time came, and we kissed some more, but we didn't actually sleep together until over a month had passed. I didn't want to scare Duo away by pushing him too fast. He didn't want to scare me away by making me think I'd pushed him. We both wanted to hold on to this one small thing in our lives that meant so much.
At the time, we were drifting. I took on various projects for firms in need of my skills, and studied for qualifications in the arts and humanities. Duo worked as a mechanic and engineer, and took on occasional assignments with the Preventers.
Preventer work became his full-time job. He finds the normality, the stability of being able to work with the same set of people every day, attractive. Assignments vary enough for life to be interesting, but do not leave him feeling insecure as to his place in the world. The inevitable more active assignments are rare, and reasonably low-risk.
Importantly, Duo seems content.
I still take on various jobs. One of Duo and I generally has more free time than the other, but which it is varies. The chief part of my work done at home, so I see more of Hilde. The three of us now share a house on the Earth. After killing as soldiers, we wanted to be among life. It dies, but is real and breathing up until that point, unlike rigid metal and plastic. When we know what it is, we take what we desire.
Hilde sold the scrap yard to come here, and took a place at a nearby university. She is a talented mathematician, and will go into programming. She says she will stay with Duo and I 'so that no one gets lonely.' Maybe she thinks we can't manage alone.
I have no plans for a steady job. I like feeling free.
The sun begins to set. Hilde goes inside to study, and I remain outside, in the garden. It is large, and supposed to be pretty. Not one of us likes it. A man comes every weekend to maintain it, and we pay him 45 ESD. There are flowers arranged in neat borders, and fruit trees dotted about the far end. Hilde and I prefer beeches. Duo likes oaks. We don't have either of those.
We chose this house primarily for the location. It is near several large cities, but not a part of them, so we get the benefits of city life without many of the drawbacks. Duo wanted something simpler. I enjoy having space. Hilde does not admit to minding either way.
We have a large dining area full of the pieces of paper that result from productivity, and a kitchen that has been converted into a dining room. All remaining space on the ground floor is filled with computers, televisions and stereos. Duo tells me that this is normal. I don't know where he gets his information. Hilde suspects it is invented.
Upstairs, we each have a bedroom and a shower room. This was not the original state of the house, but modifications were made to avoid justifiable homicide. Duo and I share his bed, and I have recently discovered that Hilde uses mine. Her own bed now resides in the attic, along with boxes of 'stuff' bought specially for the purpose, and she uses the extra space in her room to work, when the dining room is too cluttered to be navigable.
A pear hits my head, and someone laughs. It appears Duo is home. I comment that we should replace the fruit trees, and he agrees; he can always buy fruit from the supermarket to throw at me.
He sits on the grass next to me and exhales deeply, before launching into what has become a tri-weekly commentary on the ridiculous nature of his job. Once he is done, I massage his shoulders and back, and then complain about my own work for a while, and the history paper I am writing that asks that I treat the reader as an infant. At which point he laughs and says, "So long as you're happy."
Later, I ask what is really on his mind, and he confesses he doesn't want me to go away to fill in as a bodyguard for Quatre next week, but worries he's being possessive. This proof that he cares makes me smile, and he grumbles I don't take him seriously.
I say, on the contrary, I take him very seriously indeed, and I grin and bite his lip.
The day ends with sex, and Hilde shouting at us to keep it down.
The End
(:./psyche/innocence)
