11-Apr-2003
Title: Decisions
Author: RurouniTriv
Disclaimer: We all know they aren't mine.
Warnings: Major Heero POV stuff here. Angst. Confusion. Illogic.
Note: Heero has hacked my mind... he wanted me to write this thing. Stream of consciousness, anyone?
When did I get this screwed up?
Stupid question. The day I was born.
I don't remember my parents, although I must have had them. I don't know my real name, even. Dr. J codenamed me Heero Yuy because he wanted to memorialize the pacifist leader killed by the Alliance. Maybe he thought it was amusing to hang the name of the biggest mistake Odin Lowe ever made on the boy that Odin Lowe raised. Talk about the sins of the 'father' being visited on the 'son'.
Then again, J never actually said anything about it. Maybe he didn't know. It doesn't matter, I knew. That's why I didn't object to the name. A reminder to think before I killed anyone - not that it helped. Not with Noventa and the other doves, and not with the little girl, though that at least was truly an accident.
I cringe inside as I remember those lethal mistakes. A part of me wants to curl up in a ball and howl my grief to the skies, but I know if I do that, I'll never stop. There are so many mistakes I made that if I start down that path I'll never reach its end. I'll only reach mine.
I am trying to avoid killing myself. There are so many dead already, so many at my hands... it seems like a kind of sacrilege to destroy myself at this point. I have far too much to make up for, and I have to stay alive to do it. It wasn't so bad when I first came to Earth as part of the co-opted Operation Meteor. I'd killed people, yes, and some of them were innocent, but at that point the pain I'd caused and the pain I'd suffered were almost balanced, and I hadn't met Duo anyway, or Wufei. Wufei is the one who taught me about justice and balance, about the price that is paid by innocents when the power-hungry seek to slake their appetites. Duo taught me that the best way to make up for the taking of lives is to nurture it in others and in myself. I need to live for those who didn't get that chance.
I'm not always too sure how to do that, though. Oh, some things are easy: I joined the Preventers in large part to help make up for the destruction I caused, to protect in a way that I couldn't then: by preventing another war. That's what the Preventers are for, after all. I picked the computer branch rather than a field combat unit because I hate killing people. There's always that niggling worry of 'are we right about how much of a bastard this guy is?' or 'couldn't we get past this guy without killing him?' I mean, I know if there is a hell I'm probably going there, no matter what people say about me being some kind of hero. No sense making the punishment worse.
I know I'm no hero. I wasn't a wind-up toy, or the 'perfect soldier' some idiots call me. I was a murderer. Yes, I was killing for a cause, and I believed in it... but the point is, I was killing, and some - maybe even most - of the people I killed didn't deserve to die. And I knew it. The enemy weren't some faceless automatons (well, except for the mobile dolls), they were living, breathing, feeling beings who had families and friends and for the most part really believed in what they were doing. It's not their fault that they never got the information that would let them make an informed decision: the Alliance and OZ were very effective at controlling the media and word-of-mouth requires that people be able to communicate. If I hadn't had the upbringing I had - if you can call it that an upbringing - I wouldn't have known either. I might well have become one of the OZ pilots that thought that we were all a bunch of psycho terrorists out for nothing besides wreaking havoc for a specious cause. As it was, I spent the whole of the first war and the year between the end of the war and the Mariemaia Incident breaking the conditioning that kept me from seeing anyone who wasn't with me as a silhouette on a target paper.
But there's more to living than performing a task. There's... well, the other stuff. Social interaction, relationships, all that emotional stuff. I know that I told Trowa to listen to his emotions, just as Odin told me to - if I had, perhaps I wouldn't have killed the doves. I had a feeling even as I was doing it that it was the wrong thing to do, but by then it was too late.
Duo says that I'm a brooder. Yes, we kept in touch after the war. Or rather, after the Mariemaia incident. Even if we weren't both Preventers we would have. That whole mess reminded us that all we really had was each other, and if we drifted apart, we wouldn't have anyone to help haul us in when we were going off the deep end. And with the lives we've had, it's really easy to go off the deep end.
That's part of why I'm here today - 'here' being Quatre's vacation house in Turkey. It's not as isolated as the desert one that he used during the war, which makes the part of my mind that Odin and J molded a bit twitchy about operational security and counter-terrorist units, but I firmly beat that down. We tend to gravitate here whenever we have a couple days off. At any one time, there's generally one or two of us here, and a half-dozen or so Maguanacs. We might not have the government after us, but that doesn't mean that the need for security is totally gone. There's always whackos - that's Duo's word for them - and former OZ and White Fang members, not to mention would-be kidnappers and groupies.
I never thought I'd ever have groupies. I thought the semi-stalking that Rel did when we first met was bad enough, but those people... it was enough to send a shudder down my spine just thinking about the look in their eyes when they came up to me when I was forced to attend some event as 'Pilot 01'. I am so glad that I didn't want to keep my codename when the war was over. I've grown enough that most people don't associate me with the rather short and slender messy-haired boy who piloted Wing, but the name Heero Yuy is too damned memorable. Hiroshi Lowe is much less so, and lets me honor the man who was as close to a father as I've ever had, while letting me have my own identity. And no one wonders when someone calls me Heero. They just assume it's short for Hiroshi. If they don't know I was Pilot 01, I generally don't tell them.
I hate the look in most peoples' eyes when they meet me for the first time when I'm in that role, the adoring awe tinged with a dash of fear. I was just called Heero, I wasn't a hero. I was a soldier, and not a particularly good one. Hell, as far as military discipline is concerned, Trowa was closer to the textbook soldier than I ever was. That's one reason I don't tell people I've just met. I want them to treat me like a person, not some tin god. Let them get a good look at me first and see I'm only human, and they're less likely to treat me like some celebrity. I'm not, damn it. I was a soldier. I was in the right place at the right time is all. Any of the others could and would have done the same if they'd been in my circumstances. And most of them would have done better in some of those circumstances. For all that Odin told me to listen to my feelings, my training under J - especially after the incident with the little girl - was focused on making me react logically, not emotionally.
That's why I tried to kill myself the first time, on the beach. I knew that I was screwed up so bad that I knew I could never straighten myself out. But I'd been told over and over again that I had to lock the part of me that felt things away, that in order to be a good soldier I had to forget all notions of right and wrong and just obey orders; told so often that my head believed it, even while my feelings screamed at the wrongness of it. That's what killed the doves, that conflict between my head and my heart. Trieze set it up, set me up, so perfectly, and my head saw the logic and acted before the command of my heart could override it.
Duo was right when he said that I was a suicidal idiot. I don't think he's ever really understood why, though. He's strong, far stronger than most people give him credit for. He's usually so easy-going about things, so friendly and cheerful, that people don't see it. They assume that he grew up in this nice, normal family or something, I think.
When you know where he came from, what he's gone through... he's rather intimidating. He's a lot stronger than I am, but it's a different kind of strength. It's like the old story of the oak and the reed: I'm the oak and I'm strong enough to withstand most storms, but when the hurricane blows through... it's the reed that remains standing, while the oak is cracked in two. Wufei's like me. Trowa and Quatre are more like Duo, that way. They bend rather than break. But people don't see it when it's Duo or even Quatre. Quatre hides his strength behind a sunny smile and an angelic face. Duo hides it behind his friendliness and his 'braided baka' act.
A baka he's not. He's one of the most intelligent men I've ever known. And considering that I knew the Mad 5, that's saying a lot.
It all seems to come back around to Duo today. Sooner or later, every subject brings him into it. But then, that's part of why I'm here. It's a good place to think. There are places that you can get away from everyone else. There's also ways to indicate when one of us is there and doesn't want to be disturbed, or we're here and wouldn't mind company. Duo's idea. He says that he got it from an old fantasy novel.
Duo reads the damndest things. And now that he's got a place of his own, he reads a lot. That's one of the reasons he bought a house, because he wanted a room to put a library in.
He's offered to share it with me. There was an implication there, I think, that perhaps we might share more than a house. That's what's got me thinking so hard.
Can I do this? Can I actually share my life and my body with anyone, much less another man? I don't have any religion to forbid it, certainly, and it's not as if there's any social stigma attached to it... a few centuries ago perhaps but not in modern times. Hells, in these days, with so many children orphaned, displaced, and abandoned, it's even subtly encouraged. Not being able to reproduce together means that we could afford to adopt one of those children who's lost their parents. I think Duo would like to do that eventually. He was one of those children before he was a pilot, I think it would make him feel good to know that he'd helped someone else who was in a similar position. And he does love children. He's really good with them too, even the ones who are seriously abused will react well to him. That's part of the reason that Une gives him as long a leash as she does with his team: he can get even the most traumatized kid to testify. Very useful when the witnesses (and often, victims) he deals with are children.
Normally the Preventers wouldn't be doing police work, but the number of children displaced by the war made possible some extensive, powerful, and very nasty organizations that think nothing of treating them as disposable commodities and often have their fingers in other pies as well. I remember the first time we ran into a situation with one of them. Duo had been on the field team that found the miserable dungeon where the children had been warehoused. I was in the operations center we'd set up in an apartment building a couple blocks away when he started cursing in language that he hadn't used even during the war. One of his teammates had started yelling over the radio for backup, as he tried restraining Duo. I'd barely managed to get there before he took down the last of his team. At that point I had no idea what was going on, but I knew that he'd be up on murder charges if he did what he obviously wanted to do. The Preventers don't look kindly upon their agents when they slaughter an entire pack of handcuffed prisoners, even if they are total and complete scum.
One major brawl, three cracked ribs (mine), one broken arm (his), and a couple of black eyes (one each) later, I managed to get him calmed down enough to not kill the bastards outright. Instead, when Une came to ream him over his lack of self-control, she found herself dealing with Shinigami. A very bad thing, and one that Une recognized as such. She was smart enough to realize that antagonizing him at that point was a Very Bad Idea, and also to realize that he had a point about the fact that people nasty enough to exploit children like that were likely to be into other things as well. Add to that the fact that such criminals don't respect borders and the fact that even the average murderer detests child-abusers, and it was enough to get authorization for the Preventers' charter to be... extended a bit.
Rel did an incredible speech when that was in debate, all about how the children were our future and those who would abuse and exploit them were endangering us all by creating another generation of violent potential-criminals, pointing out how many people who wound up in the jails were abused as children. As usual, she won her point. It's amazing how much influence she has for someone so young.
Surprisingly enough, Zechs was one of the first to volunteer for the new Child Protection Unit. He said that he'd come close to being one of those nameless, faceless children himself during the first fall of the Sanq kingdom. There was something in his eyes that told me he hadn't managed to escape that fate without more than a few scars. Everyone expected trouble to come from that, since Zechs has never been known for being a good subordinate and we were on opposite sides more than once, but surprisingly enough they've managed to work together well. Zechs has been second-in-command of the unit since it was formed and never shown any signs that he wanted to take Duo's place. Well, except when Duo sticks him with most of the paperwork. Then he threatens to stage a coup and stick Duo with all the paperwork.
I think he's joking.
The thought of paperwork brings me back to the subject. Duo's offer to share his life with me. His job is another complication, another thing to consider. I'm not worried about someone that's mad at him targeting me, I can take care of myself. But can I handle the pressure of seeing him go out there into harm's way while I stay behind? It's a major strain on a marriage... and if I'm going to do this, it's going to be a marriage. I don't look on sex lightly, no matter what J tried to teach me. I had opportunities to relieve my physical tensions during the war and after and didn't take them. I was told that there was always a possibility of rape if I was captured and taught how to deal with it, but to give myself to someone, that's a lot different than having something taken from me. A lot harder to deal with if anything goes wrong.
He could hurt me so badly if he's just looking for a quick tumble or a convenient fuck-buddy. Not physically, I don't think he's the type for that, but emotionally. I am screwed up, I know it, and I don't want to get damaged even worse. I've been hurt too badly over the years, my soul is like a flawed crystal. All it would take is one blow in the right place to shatter me into dust. And in giving myself to him, I would have to lower my defenses, and then he'd know just where to strike.
No, I don't look on sex lightly. It's a powerful thing, when done right, and I am perfectionist enough that I want to do it right. That means not only the body but the heart must be engaged, or else it's just mindless rutting. Why expose myself to treachery and disease just for rutting when I can achieve the same physical effects by myself with no risk at all? It just isn't worth it.
But with someone I care about - and I know one thing, I do definitely care about Duo, a lot - that's a different thing. With him, body and mind and heart could all be a part of it. I could give them all to him, but at what price?
It's not worth it for a casual fling. It's not worth it for a temporary affair. But for a lifetime, for knowing that he'll be there for me when the screaming in my soul gets too loud and that he'll let me be there when the darkness threatens to overtake him... for that, it would be worth the risk.
But is that what he wants? I don't know. I think so, maybe, but does he really know what he's getting into? Does he realize how screwed up I am emotionally?
I snort to myself. Of course he does. He's Duo. As bad as I am at the emotional stuff, that's how good he is at picking up on it. Not that he's all that well-wrapped himself, mind you, but he knows. Knows what he's feeling, what others are feeling, how to make them do what he wanted. He's a manipulative son of a bitch when he wants to be, to the point of being able to give Quatre a run for his money. Watching them play mind games can be really amusing, as long as I'm not one of the pawns.
Thinking about Duo gets me thinking about Duo. He's kind of messed up emotionally. He's better at dealing with it than I am most times, I think, but he's not really totally sane. Then again, he'd have to be at least a little crazy to want to deal with me.
So, he knows I'm pretty screwed up. I know he's pretty screwed up. Question is, is our screwed-up-ness going to send us both into a downward spiral where we wind up dragging each other over the edge?
Thinking about it, I'd have to say no. We seem to balance each other, more than bring out the worst in each other. Where I'm weakest, he's strong. Where he's weak, I'm strong. When one of us is about ready to go into a murderous rage, the other tends to go all cold and logical. We never seem to lose it at the same time, and I know in part that's because when I see him going out of control, I pull the Soldier out of the box. I'm fairly sure that he does the same for me.
So, we balance each other. I know we can live together because we've done it before. I think that I can manage to deal with the stress of knowing he's going to be out there in the field: he's gone on solo missions before while we were bunking together in a safe-house or a dorm room and I had no problems... although a closer relationship would logically imply a greater degree of stress, I think I can handle it as long as he comes home safe afterwards. And if one day, he doesn't... whether we go beyond friendship or not doesn't matter, it'll still hurt like hell.
Which leaves one question: compatibility. Do I want him? Can I want him, want anyone? I know that I like him as a person, that I talk to him about things I would never consider discussing with anyone else, but do I want to share my body with him? Do I want to touch him, and let him touch me? To kiss him and caress him and...
My body lets me know what it thinks about that idea very clearly.
So. Now I know. I need to go back. I need to talk to Duo, and see if what I want, what I think I need, is what he's offering. I need to see him. I need to touch him. I need to be with him.
Hopefully, he'll want the same thing I do.
He's got a house. Maybe, together, we can make it a home.
I think I'd like that.
The End
Author's Note: Eeek. I didn't mean to do this, it just happened. Sorry about the cliffhanger, folks, but the story said 'I'm done.'
(:./rt/decisions)
