02-May-2001
Okay, I searched but wasn't able to find that anyone has done this before.
If they have, I apologize for unknowingly ripping anyone off.
Fluff. Pairing at end. Mindless stupidity.AU?
*scene opens on darkened studio* Voiceover begins:
Tonight, one of four lucky contestants will win a date with our beautiful, eligible bishonen. Who will the lucky guy be? Find out tonight on:
Audience: THE GUNDAM WING DATING GAME!
Voiceover: And here's your host... TREIZE KUSHRENADAAAAA
*Treize runs out stage, giving everyone a gleaming white, toothy smile. His hair is neatly in place.*
Treize: Hi, and welcome to the Gundam Wing Dating Game.
*audience claps wildly*
Treize: Let's meet tonight's bishonen, shall we?
*camera pans on a waving Duo in a tux*
Treize: Tell us a little about yourself.
Duo: Well, I'm 18. I enjoy flying and long walks on the beach. My goal is to one day own a junk yard.
Treize: Right. Well, let's get started, shall we?
*camera shows four men standing at booths*
Treize: These are our bachelors: 1,4,3, and 5.
Duo: ???
Treize: Look, just accept it, okay? Just pretend that logic has the day off.
Duo: Okay, but you guys really need some remedial math classes.
Treize: Bishonen, ask your first question.
Duo: This is for all the bachelors. If I caught on fire, how would you put me out?
Bachelor # 1: I would kill you. If you're enough of a baka to catch yourself on fire you'd be no good to me. Then I would make love to you.
*Duo winces slightly*
Bachelor # 4: I would grab my cell-phone and call my loyal servants to arrive with bucket of scented water to pour on you. Then we would make love in the back seat of my limo.
Bachelor # 3: I would have an elephant spray you with water. Then we'd make love on a trapeze.
Bachelor # 5: First I would put you out with a fire hose. Then I would find those who dishonored you enough to set you on fire and fight them to the death. Then we would make love beneath the stars.
Duo: Bachelor # 1, I'm your favorite candy bar. What kind am I and how do you want to eat me?
Bachelor # 1: I don't eat candy.
*Duo makes a face at screen separating him from seeing bachelors*
Duo: Other bachelors?
Bachelor # 5: You're a Three Musketeers and I'd lick all the chocolate from your sword.
Bachelor # 4: You're 1000 Grand, and I'd start by nibbling on your coins.
Bachelor # 3: I have no name.
*Duo gives screen a bewildered glance and then shrugs*
Duo: Bachelor # 3, it's time for our dream vacation. Where are we going?
Bachelor # 3: Until now I've resisted my fate to die, and now I'll have to resist it again.
Duo: *scratches head* Bachelor # 1?
Bachelor # 1: We would spend the first night in a cheap motel, sleeping on the floor. Then we would awaken and eat some left-over crusts of bread, and then spend the day at a local gun and knife show. We would go to various points in the world for our vacation, and dress each other's bullet wounds each night. Then I would kill you. Then we would make love.
Duo: Okay... moving along now.
Bachelor # 5: You didn't ask ME. INJUSTICE!
Duo: Quite honestly I was afraid to ask anyone else. Okay, same question for Bachelors 4 and 5.
Bachelor # 4: We would go to Disneyland. I would buy you fake mouse-ears and we would ride Space Mountain and eat cotton candy. Then I would take you back to our hotel and we would make love in a king-sized bed after ordering room service.
Bachelor # 5: Our vacation would be spent alone in the wilds of China, living on bamboo shoots, making love with while pandas look on.
Duo: *blinks* Last question. Bachelor # 4, let's start with you. I've had a hard day at work. I'm exhausted. How do you help me relax when I get home?
Bachelor # 4: I would rub your feet with expensive oils and wrap you in a silk robe after brushing your hair. Then we would snuggle together before my large-screen television set and watch cartoons the entire night.
Bachelor # 5: I would leave you alone to sleep and go pray.
Bachelor # 3: I would run away to the circus and hide behind a mask.
Duo: You have some issues. Bachelor # 1?
Bachelor # 1: That's easy. If you're that tired you're a liability. I would kill you. Then I would make love to you.
Duo: You have some SERIOUS issues!
Treize: *looks up from sticking his tongue down the throat of his assistant, the Lovely Milliardo* Okay, Bishonen. Time to pick which of these men you'll be going out on a date with.
Duo: I pick Bachelor # 4. The others just scare the shit out of me.
Treize: Well, let's meet him!
*Quatre runs out and jumps in Duo's arms. Suddenly a bullet tears through the screen, whizzing over their heads. A sword starts slicing it away and a lion roars.*
Treize: *scoops up the Lovely Milliardo* Well, that's all the time we have for day. Tune in next to the Gundam Wing Dating Game. *dodges grenade and runs toward the door, with Duo and Quatre right on his heels*
The End
(:./lasha/dating)
