I used to watch him sleep
an angel on vacation
I fell in love so deep
Far too far to mention.
I look around the small, dingy room we've lived in, and sigh. There are no tears - I haven't cried in years. I wish I could, sometimes. My throat is tight, and my eyes burn, but there are no tears.
Almost mechanically, I gather up the soiled sheets and bundle them up to be washed... and somehow I'm frozen, holding the bundle, contemplating the act of dumping the sheets in the washer, obliterating the reminder of last night... of our last night.
I carry the bundle downstairs, and toss it in the washing machine. He would sneer at my momentary hesitation. Maybe.
Then again, he was always doing things that surprised me... how strange to think of him as unpredictable. Him, of all people.
I brush my long bangs out of my dry eyes and head back for the lonely apartment. There is more work to do, and none of it is easy. Washing the set of dinner plates, the utensils, knowing that he will never again sit at this table, eat from these plates...
An intense desire to throw the plate in my hand washes over me, nearly blinding me. I place the plate carefully in the drying rack.
The bathroom holds more reminders, and I grimly toss his things into the little waste basket, trying not to think of the way he looked in the shower, water running in rivulets over his perfect body, his lips parted in surprise, his eyes mellow and yearning...
His voice, husky and indecisive, asking, "Why did you do that?"
He looked just like a thousand stars
when they came out at night
He was standing in front of this very sink, washing his face, when it first happened. Something about him, his silent form hunched over the basin, the tiny little almost-curl of dark hair at the nape of his neck... something about him was just irresistible in that moment, and I, ever an impulsive being, flung my arms around his tight stomach and planted my lips against the side of his neck, running my tongue over the soft, sensitive flesh.
He straightened abruptly, turning to face me, ocean-deep eyes confused and troubled as one hand rose to his throat.
"Why did you do that?" he asked, and while his face was as cold and impenetrable as always, his voice shook, and he leaned against the sink for support. "Why?"
I couldn't help but grin at him.
"Because I wanted to," I said.
But when I looked inside his heart
I found it locked up tight
It seemed strange to me that the Perfect Soldier could act so cold, when he so obviously had hot blood rushing through his veins. That look in his eyes, the way his trembling fingers touched his throat... the way his weakened knees caused him to clutch the porcelain side of the sink.
I turned and forced myself to walk away, before I could do something we might both regret. There was silence for a long minute, then the creak of the faucet and a splash of water indicated that Heero was finishing his normal nightly routine. I dared to breathe a sigh of relief, promising myself never to do anything like that again... yeah, right. I didn't really believe it, either.
Angels never help you
'cause angels always fall
He came out of the bathroom warily, then walked over to the shabby desk and booted up his battered laptop - another part of the nightly ritual. I sighed, and went to wash up for bed, myself. I was brushing my teeth when he came in behind me, and the sight of his reflection staring at me in the cracked mirror made me swallow my toothpaste. Bleah. I turned to face him, wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and waited. But he didn't yell, he didn't hit... he just looked at me.
"Why did you want to?" he finally asked, and I had to tear my gaze away from the drowning blue of his eyes.
"I just did," I said, and went back to brushing my teeth.
He smoked a cigarette
it only blurred my vision
I couldn't help but staying
with my first impression
The next day he was back to his normal, boring routine. He got up, ate a perfectly balanced breakfast, brushed his teeth, and checked the computer for new orders. I decided it was probably a lucky thing that he'd chosen not to brood on my... little slip.
My own morning routine took a good deal longer - after a childhood like mine, you learn to really relish a long, hot shower.
As long as nobody complains, I'll stand in there till the water runs cold, just luxuriating in cleanliness.
Heero never complained; even if his shower had been icy I doubt he would have felt the difference.
By the time I was clean and dressed, Heero was on his way out the door, his purposeful stride just screaming "mission." I followed, quickly taming my wild hair and clambering up into my Mobile Suit with easy familiarity.
"Time to kick some ass?" I asked over the comlink.
"Ah." That was Heero all over. You could always count on him to have a snappy comeback.
The mission was pretty much the same old thing - intercept a munitions transport, open up a can of whoop-ass and cause as much trouble as possible. I was surprised to see Heero really getting into it - he seemed to be getting a big kick out of blowing up mechs. At one point, the sound of his laughter echoed through my comlink... and I got chills from it. I couldn't help but think that for all his silence and brooding, Heero could be damn creepy at times. But he did his job with precision that was nearly poetry, easily earning the nickname of Perfect. So perfect...
I'm wondering with every breath what caused my fall from grace
I walk back to the main room of the apartment, and systematically start weeding his things out. It isn't hard to do, really. He didn't own much. He was forever prepared to pack up and leave with just a few minutes' notice... wish he could have given me some notice.
Shorts, tank tops, a picture of us... well, he won't need that picture any more, and I don't want it. All of it goes in the trash.
For some reason, my fingers are trembling as I drop the picture into the growing pile.
I guess I beat myself to death
against his lovely face
It was only a day later that I broke that promise to myself. What can I say? I was so... enthralled. Everything about him seemed so wondrous, miraculous... perfect. Oh, I was in deep all right - sunk up to my eyeballs in love, and sinking further every second. And he never seemed to notice, damn him.
He had come back from an infiltration job, no easy matter even for the Perfect Soldier. And in the end, when his cover was blown, he apparently had a devil of a time getting out.
I had stayed at home, pretending not to worry.
When he finally made it back here, he was sweaty and exhausted, and for the most part unharmed. There was a wound on his upper arm where a bullet had actually grazed him - which is what leads me to say he must've gone through hell.
"I can do it," he said, when he saw me following him into the bathroom with the first aid kit in my hands.
"Yeah, I know you can," I said, "but it can be awkward one-handed, and as long as I'm here, you might as well let me help you."
"Ah." I must have looked surprised by his acquiescence, because his usual glare intensified into a defensive scowl. I schooled my expression into a more neutral one and quickly set about binding the wound.
He was perched on the edge of the tub, and I was leaning over him tying the bandage. His scent rose up to tease at me, the tinge of gunpowder, sweat, and a uniquely sweet musky undertone that was pure Heero. I tied off the bandage, then without planning on it I grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him.
Oh angels never help you
'cause angels always fall
He was shocked, I think; his lips were pliant under mine, and when I nudged at his chin with my thumb, his mouth opened obediently. He froze as I swept my tongue into his mouth and nibbled gently on his lower lip. I leaned back to see that his eyes were wide open.
"Are you mad now?" I asked.
"Iya." His hands were clenched on the side of the tub.
"Then close your eyes." I kissed him again, gently, watching as his eyes slowly slid closed. I backed off just a bit, my heart thudding so hard in my chest... and he leaned forward, rubbing his lips softly over mine of his own accord, our breaths mingling. The tentative touch filled me with joy so acute it was almost painful.
He was a fast learner - a little too fast, too perfect. I had to back away, moving over to the doorway because I needed to get some distance before I was truly lost. He was still sitting on the edge of the tub, staring up at me. He looked dazed, and I seconded the emotion.
Slowly, he raised one hand to brush his fingertips across his lips, and then his puzzled eyes rose again to meet mine.
"Why?" he asked.
"Why not?" was my reply, and I forced myself to grin at him and walk out of the room.
And angels sometimes kiss you
but angels never call
Damn. The laptop. I don't have the heart, I don't dare get rid of the laptop. He'd never forgive me...
Then again, what the hell do I care? I put the laptop on the trash pile. It looks so forlorn...
I take it back, put it back on the desk in its old place of honor. Damn it. Damn it all to Hell!
Oh angels
(it's simply that I never knew him)
"Why did that happen?" he asked, following me out to the living area.
"Sometimes, things just happen," I said, afraid to meet his eyes. Me, afraid? Hell, yes. He might not be aware of it, but he held my heart in his perfect hands, and he could crush it so easily without even knowing it...
"Will it just happen again?" he asked. I sighed, pressing a shaking hand against my lips, which still tingled from the kiss.
"I guess it depends on whether you want it to happen again," I said at last.
"Ah."
That was it. He went to the computer, that damned laptop, and started typing away.
never help you
(wish to God that I had known)
I had gone to lie down on the bed, hoping that sleep would grant me oblivion for a short while. I guess it's kind of funny that we had been sleeping together - in the same bed - for almost a month, and nothing had ever happened. I went to sleep each night worried that I might snuggle up to him in my sleep, but I guess my concern had kept me from embarrassing myself that way.
I was just drifting off to sleep when I felt his weight settling on his side of the bed. Long minutes passed while I listened to his steady breathing, then I turned to look at him. He was wide awake, his eyes glittering in the dim light as he looked back at me.
Greatly daring, I half-sat, leaning over him, gazing down at the twilight glimmer of his eyes.
"I want it to happen again," I whispered, and leaned in slowly - slowly enough that he could stop me if he chose.
He let me kiss him, his lips parting passively as I plundered his mouth. Oh, but he was sweet, so sweet and I trailed kisses down along his jawline, over his throat. He didn't protest as I slid his tank top off of one shoulder, nibbling at the sensitive spot where neck and shoulder meet. He shivered a little, but otherwise gave no reaction.
I couldn't stop myself - I was all but possessed by the need to kiss him, to love him all over, to make him feel all of the things he'd been missing out on... I loved him so much it hurt my heart.
He gasped, a tiny, sharp intake of breath as I pinched his nipples softly through the thin fabric of his tank top. I paused a moment, then kissed him again, pouring all of my feelings into it and gently rolling the stiff little nubs between my fingers.
His breathing deepened a little, and he allowed the caress, his body so warm and solid beneath my fingertips. I pulled the tank top out of the way, and bent to kiss his chest tenderly, nibbling and sucking on one nipple as I rhythmically toyed with the other.
He twitched, his hands clenching into fists, but he didn't breathe a word of protest. I looked up to see that he was watching me with an almost helpless expression on his face, his half-parted lips just begging for another kiss which I eagerly gave. I pressed against his side, stifling a groan at the pleasure brought from just flinging one leg across his hips. He jumped at the contact, and I grinned down at him, all too aware that the stiff lump pushing against my own leg was no illusion.
I kissed him again, moving to straddle him, rocking my hips to grind his shaft against me. He was panting soundlessly, his wide-open eyes dark with some deep emotion.
'Cause angels
(and everything that I remember)
always fall
(is gone)
Damn him. Damn me. I should have known better, I should have known... it was sacrilege, what I did. It was sinful and wicked and... perfect. Oh, Heero...
That damn laptop. I really shouldn't keep it here. I don't need the constant reminder of what I've lost - as if I could forget. No more clattering keyboard in the middle of the night. No more meals for two to cook. No more... no more beauty in my life, because he took it all with him.
Beauty. Damn him. He was so perfect and I was so... me. How could I think there could be anything real between us? Stupid, really. I should have known.
Damn you, Heero...
And angels
(simply that I never knew him)
sometimes kiss you
(wish to God that I had known)
He silently permitted my caresses, his eyes burning up at me like two stars as I gently undressed him and then just sat back, looking at him. He was beautiful. He was perfect.
I kissed him again, trailing kisses down his throat, across his chest... hungrily mouthing the silky flesh, teasing with my teeth. I took one of his clenched fists in my hands, gently working the fingers loose and then planting a kiss in the center of his relaxed palm. His breathing grew a little ragged as I licked the palm of his hand and then drew one of his fingers into my mouth, licking and sucking it.
He squirmed, ever so slightly, and then was still, his wide, wondering eyes tearing at my heartstrings. Oh, but he was beautiful, and my fingers trembled as I trailed them lightly down over the flat planes of his chest and stomach, down to finally touch the burning hard shaft. He bit his lip, stifling whatever sound wanted to come forth as I began slowly pumping with my hand.
"What is... what is it..." he whispered.
"Just relax," I said.
"I can't control..." He was writhing now, his body taut with unrelieved tension, and he stared up at me, confused and maybe a little frightened by his own body.
"Nobody controls this," I murmured, kissing him gently again, my own passion an aching, burning knot. "Just let it go." He whimpered, then, the sound low in his throat and unbelieveably sexy. "Oh, yeah, let me hear you," I whispered, and I lowered my head to taste him, swirling my tongue over his sensitive flesh and savoring the moans that tore from his throat.
His hands rose to tangle in my hair, pulling as though he couldn't decide whether to draw me closer or push me away. I waited until his hips started to thrash under me, and then I backed off, trying not to smile at his groan of disappointment.
"Heero, I want to do something," I whispered hesitantly.
"What?"
"It might hurt a little, at first, but then it gets better."
"Ah." That was it. Of course the Perfect Soldier wouldn't be intimidated by the idea of a little pain. I rummaged through the drawer where I kept the tube of lubricant. I had bought it on a silly whim, and had never even dared to hope to use it... He was watching me, his entire body tense with waiting, his hands still balled into fists as his sides. He was tense, too tense, as I pressed one slick finger up against his tight opening.
"You have to relax," I said. I was amazed when he did it, slowly forced himself to relax, the color rising high in his cheeks as his body slowly opened to me. I knew the moment I hit that spot, because his eyes flew open wide, his whole body jolting upwards. One hand rose to clench my arm, the fingers digging in hard enough to bruise me. As soon as he seemed to adjust to the new feeling, I withdrew my hand and applied the slippery stuff to my own aching sex, quickly because I was afraid of exploding right there.
Sinking into him was Heaven, tight and luscious and oh, so perfect. His eyes gleamed up at me, a little frightened, his face slipping back into its impassive mask as his body relaxed under the pressure.
"Stay with me, Heero," I muttered, slowly driving forward. "It'll be good, I promise." It was too obvious what he was doing - in the face of pain, he had forced his Perfect Soldier body into a state of unresponsiveness. For a horrible moment, I was afraid I'd lost him, violated him in the worst way... but as soon as I was fully seated, buried deep inside him, he drew a deep breath, his eyes squeezing closed, and when I kissed him he whimpered again. The tight sheath of his body pulsed around me as he struggled to acclimate himself to the new experience, and his hands had risen to bury themselves in my hair again, pulling me forcibly closer so he could kiss me back.
It was so wonderful I almost hated to move. I could have just stayed there forever, deep inside Heero and kissing him ardently... but I wanted him to feel all of it. He groaned as I pulled partway out and buried myself a little deeper, but he quickly adapted to this as well, thrashing under me, meeting each thrust, his eyes locked on mine in the most primal, urgent need...
He cried out when he came, his body arching under me, and I let go in almost the same moment. I stayed inside him, joined with him, feeling his body's trembling aftershocks. A tear slid down over his cheek, and I kissed it away. I wanted to tell him then how much I adored him... but I didn't say anything. We lay entwined for a long time, silently waiting for the rest of the world to catch up to us.
"Why?" he whispered. I wanted to answer "because I love you," but somehow I just couldn't say it.
"Just because," I said, and kissed him again softly, a kiss that demanded nothing. He stared at me, his eyes drilling into me, but he didn't ask again.
oh but angels
(and everything that I remember)
He woke early the next morning, and slithered out from underneath me. It was incredibly stealthy and well-done, but I woke up anyway, missing his warmth the moment he left the bed. He padded over to the shower, the dim light from the window bathing his perfect body. Just the sweep of his back was enough to make my throat catch. Just the look of him, his rumpled hair, his slender, muscular body... it would be enough to bring me to tears, if I were capable of tears.
I waited a few minutes. He had to be standing under the shower now; the sound of the water had changed as it pelted down on bare flesh instead of tile. I crept into the bathroom, pulled open the shower curtain and stepped inside. He turned to face me, startled at first, his wide eyes slowly darkening in passion. There were no words as I stepped in to kiss him, the water trickling down over our bodies... but no words were necessary.
I should have told him I loved him.
never call
(is gone)
That damned laptop is mocking me, I guess. I mean, if he'd left me for Relena, I could understand that better. At least, you know, I could say that she just had something I don't have. Or even if it had been one of the other guys. You know, he and Trowa are a lot alike. I could understand if he left me for Trowa - Trowa would never talk him to death, at least. Or if it had been Quatre. Quatre has a way of just quietly worming his way into a guy's soft spot. I think everyone loves Quatre, at least a little bit. He's sure as hell more loveable than I am.
Or if it had been Wu. Wu and Heero are about equally cool. Heero really should have someone as cool as he is...
But that's not how it happened. He didn't leave me for one of them. He didn't... I never told him that I loved him. I never warned him about what happens to people I love, and he didn't know to be careful.
I take the laptop, and I dump it in the trash pile, and this time I leave it there. Heero won't need it anymore.
I used to watch him sleep
an angel on vacation.
My throat is tight, and my eyes burn.
And then the tears fall.
OWARI
"Angels Never Call"
words and music by Aimee Mann
copyright 1986 by Intersong-USA and 'Til Tunes Associates
can be found on the 'Til Tuesday album "Welcome Home"
I do not own Gundam Wing, or the Gundam Wing characters and situations which appear in this fic. This story is in no way meant to be taken as a claim to the copyright, neither do I mean any disrespect whatsoever to the creators of this wonderful series.
'Angel On Vacation' won the 1999 Nanashi Music/Songfic award
(:./yoiko/angel)
