12 Jun 2000
DISCLAIMER: All Gundam Wing characters are property of Sunrise, Bandai Visuals, Sotsu Agency, and Asahi TV. This work is not written for profit, but for entertainment purposes only.
WARNINGS: Shonen-ai (will become lemon); angst; some sap (my fault, not Tzi's) Pairing: 6x5/5x6 (Implied 13x6, 13x5)
"Treize was funny about things like that." Zechs was holding a hand out to catch the spray from the fountain. The was a sad, wistful expression on his face and his lunch remained untouched. "There were decisions he could make in a second with no hesitations and no regrets. But they usually involved the war. There were only two times that I ever knew him to make a swift decision about something that involved the people he cared for." He ducked his head suddenly, and fine, pale gold hair fell around his face like a veil. "One of those times was when he decided to be my friend - when we met in the Sank Kingdom, just before the Alliance came." There was a long pause and although Zechs didn't move, his body was trembling slightly by the time he spoke again. "The other time was the first time he met you."
"....aa." Wufei picked up the sandwich he'd put together and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully before he spoke. "I didn't realize. If I'd realized... well. It was dishonorable, at best. Ignominious at worst. He... he didn't say and I didn't think, I mean, there were so many other things to think about. The war, who we were, what we were, why I was doing it..."
Zechs looked up slowly, a frown of confusion on his face. "I don't understand. What was dishonorable?"
"He was still involved with you. Wasn't he." It wasn't a question so much as a statement and Wufei did not look at him, only continued to eat his sandwich.
Zechs felt as if someone had physically slapped him. It was difficult to breathe for a moment and he could feel tears not far behind. /I've tried so hard. Supporting him... reassuring him... and he says this to me? Rubbing salt in a wound so deep it feels like it will never heal... I had thought it was getting there today - it felt so much better.../ And now it was all just sadness and humiliation. He gathered up his uneaten lunch and stood suddenly. "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back in 20 minutes or so." He walked away, nearly running but forcing himself not to, dropping the food in a nearby garbage can as he went.
Watching Zechs go with a sudden violent tension in his stomach and creeping up his throat, Wufei allowed the sandwich to fall from his hands, the majority of it tumbling into the fountain. He regretted that because the fountain was so pretty, but it didn't matter; he could see the glint of goldfish hiding under the stone statue in the center. Perhaps they would eat it and it would be all right.
Standing carefully, he tucked the box that still held part of his lunch carefully closed and threw it away in the same can Zechs had used for his. He did not leave the books; they were too expensive. /I ought to take mine back.... I don't deserve them. He's only being kind, after all. Wufei no baka. Of course that's it.../
Instead, he walked away from the fountain and towards the car, stopping only once to throw up what he'd eaten. /He didn't tell me... Treize didn't tell me! If he'd told me, I would never have done it! Never! No matter how much... no matter how much I l.../
Finally, miserable at having made Zechs so unhappy, having made himself so unhappy, /I made Treize so unhappy..../, he slumped down to sit on the edge of the sidewalk, clutching the books to his chest.
/I shouldn't have asked anything. I shouldn't have said anything. Every time I open my mouth, I say something wrong, no matter to whom I say it... I used to know not to say anything... ah, what's wrong with me.../
Zechs walked along the sidewalk of the square, not seeing a thing around him. He turned a corner into a quiet alleyway, walked about halfway down it and then put his back to the wall, sliding down to a sitting position before the first tears came. They were hot and bitter and they came with soft, choking sobs and an intense feeling of betrayal. Not from the boy --he was just thoughtless in his words, didn't know what pain they brought. But Treize... /Treize. I remember lying in your arms when I was thirteen years old... your breath against my ear - "I'll never love another, Milliard... just you... only you..." But oh, it was so easy, wasn't it? To forget all about me and take that child to bed. Did I grow too old for you, Treize? Too independent? What was it made you forget about me so very quickly.../
The answers were not forthcoming and eventually he'd cried all the tears he had in him. So, he stood up and blotted his eyes carefully, removing the traces of his grief, and slowly walked back to the car.
He saw Wufei sitting on the sidewalk but couldn't bring himself to look at him right then. "Come," he said quietly. "Let's go home."
Silently, the Chinese ex-pilot rose, still clutching their purchases tightly to his chest as he stood next to the car until Zechs had unlocked the doors. He slid inside and carefully buckled himself in as Zechs revved the engine and pulled away smoothly.
They drove some way in quiet, the stifled hush somehow even worse than being alone had been before Zechs had come back to the car. Finally, the sheer pressure of it drove him to capture a deep breath, stilling some of his nausea and then making it worse as he continued to look out the window.
There was nothing there to capture his attention; nothing there as beautiful and cold and dead as space.
"Zechs," he whispered finally, shutting his eyes tightly so he wouldn't have to look at himself. "I'm sorry."
Words he'd uttered to Meiran. Words he'd never said to anyone since. /Oh, GODS.../
"I think you have to stop the car now!"
Zechs looked over at his passenger, alarmed by the tone in the boy's voice. He swerved onto the shoulder of the road and cut the engine. "What is it? What's wrong?" He peered over at Wufei, frowning in bewilderment. The door was flung open and Wufei moved out just in time to lose what was left of his lunch, dry-heaving violently beside the car, a hand on the side keeping him from falling.
The tall blond was by his side instantly with a small bottle of water he kept in the glove compartment and a handkerchief. He waited until it seemed the boy was over the worst and then rubbed his back a bit. "Here, wipe your face off and then take a drink of water - not too much, just a sip."
Wufei stood slowly, looking up at him, the hot tears he hated welling up and spilling over as he whispered frantically, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm..."
"Hush, now!" Zechs replied in a fierce whisper. He wrapped his arms around the slight figure and pulled him upwards into his lap as the tall blond sat back on the hood of the car. Laying his cheek against the top of boy's head, he stroked slowly down Wufei's back. "You don't have to apologize. It wasn't you who did it. It was Treize, and he's gone. As much as both of us want him back, Wufei, he's gone." Zechs's voice was starting to break slightly, so he changed to a whisper. "If you want to talk about something, you can talk to me, and I'll promise to do my best to listen and make you feel better if you need it. That's what friends do for each other. But once in a while, something brings it all back for *me*, too. Sometimes it gets hard putting a positive spin on things all day. I know he wanted you, and he didn't even care that he was still with me. I know that, but... damn! It hurt so much to hear it that way. To know how utterly worthless to him I was...Come on now - have a sip of water and let's go home."
Closing his eyes, Wufei sipped obediently, leaning his head on Zechs's shoulder. "It wasn't right," he whispered miserably. "It wasn't right. l.. l... loved him so..." He wasn't even sure he'd ever said it to Treize and now here he was confessing to the lover that Treize had cheated on every moment he was with Wufei!
It was one of the hardest things Zechs had ever done - to keep all the bitterness in, all the humiliation, the desire to shake this boy and tell him to stop. /Stop hurting me! I'm doing everything I can for you! Can't you just wake up and see what you're doing! But I guess I don't have any right to feel bad. I was just the one he didn't want. This boy was the one he did, and now... now his grief overshadows everything else... I suppose this is hell, where you get what you're worth./
Zechs lifted Wufei into the car seat and walked around to his door, pausing a moment outside of it to take a long, deep breath.
The desperate sorrow and shame that had flooded him outside the car didn't go away as Zechs opened the door and climbed inside. /Did something wrong again. Can't do anything right. Couldn't do anything right then and can't do anything right now. Should've died with Meiran. Should've died with the colony. Should've died instead of Treize.../ The steady litany of whispered hiccoughs didn't stop as he shook unhappily. /Should've stayed away from Zechs, I'm only making him miserable the way I make everyone miserable.../
They drove home in silence. Zechs was worn out, at his limit for that day in nurturing Wufei - his grief and his anger. He tossed his keys onto the kitchen table, unusual for him in that the key rack was right by the door. "I'm going to lie down for awhile," he told Wufei. "Let me know if you need anything. You might want to rest, too." Turning, he shuffled into his room, leaving the door open.
The open door seemed to be an invitation as Wufei carefully picked up the keys and hung them up, slipping off his shoes and white over-shirt silently, head down as he quietly moved towards the living room and his pallet there only to pause and gaze longingly at that open door. /Why do we both have to be so sad and so hurt?/
And the answer was there, sounding much more like Treize than himself.
/You don't./
Taking a deep breath, he moved down the hall and tentatively stood in the open door, biting at his lip.
/But what if he dies? I can't stand it if he dies. I can't live through that again.../
/He won't. You've got to have faith in something, don't you? You don't have any faith in yourself.../
/Maybe./
"...Zechs?" he whispered, gnawing at his lower lip.
End of Part 6
(:./kumiko/lvvs6)
