08-Jan-2001
Okay, here's part 1. As always, check out all other parts at GW Addiction, under Sparcck. Everyone seems to have missed that 2+H warning up there. Hm. We'll see if we can remedy that sometime soon *eg*
Seriously, thanks to everyone who wrote and encouraged and everything. It means so much to me. Here we go.
Title: Not Half What I Wish I Was (1/?)
Author: Sparcck
Warnings: See prologue for all disclaimers, spoilers, and whatnot.
AC 198
Relena never once glances up at me from where she is, like she used to when I watched over her years ago. She knows I'm here, but she doesn't acknowledge me. There's no need for her to. She's moved on, grown up a lot.
I know she didn't understand why I left the bunker that night, and I never saw I need to seek her out to explain it to her. But she's smarter than I give her credit for.
I had meant it when I told her I was nothing compared to her.
Her role in the war, in the world, was larger than even she could comprehend. I was nothing compared to her; I was merely a soldier... she would glue together the broken pieces of the world.
Two years later, I came to understand that she did comprehend the scope of her role, the scope of all our roles.
Her hand is steady when she lifts it to brush her bangs away from her face, her expression is determined, but not hard.
She's done well for herself. I have to admit that I'm proud of her.
The image of three very different young girls overlap in my head. They all haunt me, and I think they always will, since there is no one now to chase away my nightmares. But that was my choice.
My hands still bear the bloodstains of thousands of men, and these are the things I choose to regret.
I push away from the railing I'm leaning against. It's time to move on.
AC 196
My hand shook when I pointed the gun at the tiny shell of a girl, huddled in Lady Une's lap. Part of me thought I must be dead, that this was all some hallucination brought on by the shock of death, or perhaps hell, where I get to play out my worst fantasies.
I had come to kill this girl. And now I found I didn't want to, just like I didn't want to die.
/Are you that weak? Shinigami, even *your* Shinigami, wouldn't think twice./
I pulled the trigger.
The sound of the hammer hitting the empty chamber was a relief. White noise filled my ears and I swayed on my feet. "I killed Mariemeia. I won't kill anyone anymore...."
A small, sound - /a weak sound/, my brain supplied - escaped my mouth before I stumbled, pitching forward into warm arms, my head cradled against a soft shoulder.
Somewhere very far away, I heard my name.
My lips moved, formed his name, but it came out as barely a whisper. The arms shifted and I found myself looking up into Relena's face.
"Oh, Heero," she breathed.
I closed my eyes. She was okay, and that meant that everything was finally over. But all I could think about was him and I wrenched away from her, knowing I was hurting her but not caring.
"Heero!"
I struggled to my feet as soldiers began pouring into the room, surrounding Dekim's corpse and Mariemeia's prone body. I had to get out, had to get to him-
And then I remembered that I was supposed to be dead. I heard the low rumble through the ground signaling the approaching Gundams and I made a decision that I didn't know I would later regret.
"Boy!"
I turned and regarded Une, still kneeling with Mariemeia. "This is your world," she said. "You made this."
I found myself unable to move.
"You have your peace. You won't get more ideal than that."
"There are some ideals that can never be realized," I said and the words tore at my heart.
"You're being foolish, boy."
I ignored her, ignored Relena's anguished cries, and disappeared calmly into the throng of bodies outside.
AC 197
"If you keep sneaking around like that, people are going to think *you're* the one trying to kill me."
I spun, coming face to face with Relena. I cursed inwardly. /You're going soft, Yuy/.
~/A familiar tenor voice, breaking painfully over the words. "You getting soft on me, Yuy?"/~
She must have seen something in my eyes. "I know you think you're here for my own good, but really Heero, it's starting to get old."
A million comebacks that the old Heero, the war-time Heero, never would have thought, let alone said, said flashed through my mind. "Hn."
She paused and took a half-step towards me. "It's good to see you."
I was silent.
"I only started noticing you about last week or so. Have you been here this whole time?"
Again, I was silent.
She smiled gently. "I'm know this game, Heero. But it would seem to me that you *wanted* to be seen, or else I wouldn't have seen you."
I started at that -- she really had grown up. My throat was painfully dry when I spoke. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine. I've been fine for awhile now." She paused. "I-I thought I was crazy when you disappeared that night. I thought that was the final straw, that I had finally snapped."
"I had to go," I said simply, even though the real answer was so much more complicated than that.
She looked down, her toe pointed, dragging along the ground in a gesture reminiscent of a younger girl, the rebellious daughter of the Vice-Foreign Minister. She caught herself in the act and drew her feet together, smiling wryly. "I didn't understand why you left at first. But then I saw the look on... on his face."
I didn't think it was possible for my chest to tighten any more, but the mention of him made it damn near impossible to breathe. My head swam from the sudden, sharp pain that stabbed through my midsection.
"He loved you. Is that why you ran?"
/You should have known better/, my mind was screaming.
She put a hand on my shoulder. "Heero-"
I stepped back and her hand fell away. "This was a mistake."
"What could have been that terrible?"
"Don't."
She pressed it anyway. "Did you really think you were that bad?"
"Please, don't." /The Perfect Soldier is begging./ I would have sneered if the room hadn't suddenly gotten so close, if the air hadn't gotten so frighteningly thin.
"I've never seen someone look so lost."
"Don't!" I roared, and rounded on her, grabbing one wrist harshly.
She wasn't afraid, and I was practically shaking with anger, fear, and loss. When had this role-reversal taken place?
Relena raised her other hand to my cheek, and I jerked back as though she had hit me. "Why are you doing this? Are you really that scared?"
/Soldiers don't get scared./
I dropped her wrist.
"Go to him. I never thought I would hear myself say it, Heero, but I don't need you here. *He* needs you." Her voice wavered for a moment, and I jumped on the weak spot, trying to turn the tables.
"Really. You don't."
She laughed slightly. "This is hard enough, Heero. If I said it again, then, would you go? I don't need you. It's time for me to move on. For both of us to move on."
"It's so simple for you." I was walking dangerous ground by even speaking to her, but I was so angry that I wasn't thinking clearly.
"Yes, I suppose it is."
"I appreciate your concern," I said, "But I'm not here for lectures."
"I didn't think you were."
She was starting to unnerve me with her calm. /Yes/, I decided, /This was definitely a mistake./
"I'm sorry to have needlessly taken up your time." I bowed deeply. "Relena-sama." And I turned, fully intending to take my leave of her.
Her voice stopped me. "Lady Une was right."
I didn't turn, but I stopped, and apparently that was enough for her. She gripped my hand between both of hers. "You helped make this as much as I did, if not more. Please... *please* don't make this mistake."
"The only mistake I made was coming here."
She laughed, and I think the tips of my ears turned pink. "It's not like you to be so foolish, Heero; to still be foolish after all this time. Stubborn, yes, but to believe such a lie..."
"And what lie is that?" /Why are you still talking?/ I demanded. /Just walk away./
"That he's really better off without you."
"That's no lie," I said quietly.
"It's sad that you think so."
I closed my eyes and shook her off of me. "Just leave it."
"Oh, Heero," she whispered, a familiar mantra.
She didn't try to stop me, and I walked away without looking back.
Continued in part 2
Please send all comments, criticisms, and the standard fare of naughty Duo photos to sparcck@hotmail.com
Sparcck
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