Duo sat at his desk, staring at the computer monitor. He had yet to turn it on.
How had things gone so wrong with Heero?
He'd growled at Wufei and holed himself up in his office all morning. He was getting nothing done. He had to review the business plans that he'd given his partner carte blanche over, and he hadn't done as much as taken a sip of the coffee he'd obtained first thing that morning.
He almost defiantly did so now, and regretted it almost immediately, as the cream he'd used had apparently soured. He spat it into the wastebasket and took the half-and-half from the cubic refrigerator, scowling at it.
He was still giving it a look dark enough to set it on fire when Wufei tapped on his door and then entered.
"Duo," he began, then stopped as the glare was in full force on his person. His attention then flicked to the computer.
"Damn it, Duo, why did you bother coming to work today?"
"Fuck off, Chang," Duo snarled, dropping the creamer unceremoniously in the basket to keep company with the coffee he'd sprayed there earlier.
Wufei forced himself to remain calm. Getting into an argument with Duo would not solve anything.
"If this is about-"
Duo was out of his chair and on his feet almost immediately. He placed both hands on the desk and leaned forward.
"About what, Wufei? You have something to say?"
Wufei examined the man before him. His eyes were red, as if he'd spent the morning in a smoke-filled room. His hair was sloppily braided, and it looked like he'd just rolled out of bed. Strands of long chestnut hair fell forward and brushed the top of the desk and Duo's knuckles.
"You look like shit, Maxwell," he finally said, then turned on his heel and left. He was not about to play babysitter, although he did plan on talking to Meiran. If she thought he couldn't handle his partner adequately, maybe she'd like to take on the role.
When the door closed behind Wufei, Duo sank into his chair and covered his face with both hands. What the hell was wrong with him, anyway?
I thought I had it all figured out, he thought grimly. Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way.
So it was later that night that Duo found himself at Pieces on Christopher Street. Karaoke night. Figured. Duo wondered whom he'd pissed off in a past life. Then he wondered whom he hadn't pissed off in a past life.
The bartenders were all young and fresh-faced, and had names that began with J. Duo couldn't remember one from the next, no matter that he'd made several trips to the bar before giving up and just setting up camp there.
He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, nursing his eighth Purple Hooter, when a flaxen-haired man sat down next to him.
"Couldn't help but notice you from across the room," he said. "You look like you could use some company."
Duo wanted to ask if that line had ever worked for him, but his lips and tongue felt parched. He lifted the glass to his lips again and found its progress impeded.
"I'm Tod," he said. "With one D."
Duo wanted to ask him why the fuck he cared if the man spelled his name with one D, two D's, or a silent Q, but he looked up into a face that he realized was damned attractive. He sucked in his breath and held it as the glass was removed from his fingers.
Tod-with-one-D looked at the drink and then at Duo. "Would it be too much of a come on to say your eyes sparkle like this?"
Duo shook his head, dismayed at his body's traitorous act.
Tod sighed. "Want to tell me about it?"
"Not particularly," Duo finally managed. Tod signaled one of the J-boys behind the bar to bring over a glass of water, which Duo drank greedily. Tod's gaze was fixed on the glistening moisture on Duo's lips as he gasped for air after downing the entire glass.
He reached out a finger and traced the shimmering bead in the corner of Duo's mouth, then leaned forward slightly. Duo started to lean into what he knew was going to be a kiss, then pulled back abruptly.
"No," he said, shaking his head. "No."
"Dance with me," Tod urged.
Duo grabbed his hair with both hands. "No, no, no."
"Okay, okay, calm down," Tod said, looking alarmed. Duo's eyes were closed and he shook his head.
"I'm sorry, dude," Tod said.
"Duo."
"Duo? What duo?"
"My name. Duo."
"Oh. Interesting name. Like there are more than one of you living in the same body, eh?"
Duo opened his eyes and stared at him. Perhaps that was the case. Perhaps it was the fact that he'd allowed another man in his body. He groaned.
"Would it be extremely insensitive to ask if, er, you suffered a recent breakup?"
Duo groaned a second time, and Tod patted him awkwardly on one of his mesh-covered shoulders, then left his hand there a moment and squeezed. He brushed his hand across Duo's cheek before withdrawing it altogether.
"You're beautiful," he said softly. "Don't cry."
"I'm not crying," Duo said, his voice hoarse from dehydration. Tod's fingertip was back, lifting a stray tear from his cheek and holding it up to prove Duo wrong.
Duo leaned forward and crossed both arms on the bar's surface before burying his face there.
Tod stroked his back, his fingers slipping over the silky braid. He found himself tracing all the way to the end of the plait, and his fingers worried at the band at the bottom.
As tempting as it was, he left it alone. He wondered what it would look like, spilled all over Duo's body.
Big Blanche was introducing the next karaoke contestant, and Tod sat there, rubbing Duo's back, and wondering if it would be terribly rude to excuse himself so he could jerk off in the bathroom.
"It's good to have you back, Heero," Une said, handing him his badge and his gun.
"Good to be back," he replied, slipping the gun into its holster and pocketing the badge.
"Noin will brief you on your next assignment."
He nodded in acknowledgement, then made his way to the office he'd shared with his partner, before his hiatus.
Noin was leaning over the computer where Sally Po was pulling up information when he reached their shared work area. She straightened and smiled at him warmly.
"Heero, it's good to have you back."
He reached over and shook her hand, then did the same with Sally. As Noin turned away, the lightning reflected off something. He frowned, and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Noin."
She turned back to face him. "My eyes are up here, Heero," she said teasingly.
"But the ice is down here," he murmured. Her fingers reached to the necklace she was wearing, and she fingered it briefly. "Er, yes, about that... "
He could see an extravagant collection of diamonds clustered about her throat, mostly hidden by her beige shirt. It seemed incongruous with the otherwise Western theme she was wearing. From the way she blushed, he would be willing to bet anything it had been a gift from Zechs, or Milliardo Peacecraft, or whatever the hell he might be calling himself these days. He was partial to Noin's nickname "Marquise de Sex," but that had been only after they'd gotten smashed one night and Noin had run off at the mouth a bit.
He forced his attention back to the present and not to the night he and Noin had come close to crossing the line between partners and something more.
"A bit fancy for a day in the trenches," Heero said dryly, "but whatever floats your boat."
She snorted.
"You did say you were glad to have him back," Sally reminded her.
"Une said you would brief me," Heero said simply.
Noin laughed. "Oh, you'll like this one, too. Been a while since we both worked undercover together." And with that, she launched into their cover story.
Wufei frowned at the door before knocking. Duo hadn't shown up at work, nor had he called in. His cell phone had been shut off as well.
His knocks remained unanswered, and he hesitated before taking out the emergency key Duo had given him. He unlocked the door and stepped into Duo's apartment.
It was a mess. A Scrabble game board was leaning crookedly against a wall, and there was a smattering of small letter tiles near it as well as on the coffee table Duo sometimes used as a desk. The television was on the classic movie channel his partner was so fond of, but the sound was muted.
He stepped over the tiles, some buried in the mahogany colored carpet, and noticed a jigsaw puzzle, half put together. If you could say that. Pieces that obviously were not meant to fit were forced together, causing the section that had been assembled to stick up from the table instead of lying flat.
A large cobalt blue glass was lying on its side, and Wufei picked it up and sniffed. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't water.
He made his way to Duo's bedroom. He almost turned tail and ran, feeling it was wrong to intrude on someone's personal space. Then again, he had let himself in, and he was worried about his partner.
He found Duo sprawled artlessly across his bed, his body covered in his unbound hair and a sheet, and nothing else. Wufei averted his eyes quickly.
Duo's voice sounded like he'd just swallowed a handful of razors when he spoke.
"'Ro?" he muttered, then he blinked open one eye. "'Fei?"
"Duo."
The longhaired man sat up and groaned loudly, covering his face with both hands.
"What th' hell time 'sit, Wufei?"
"You missed an entire day of work, Duo."
"Two," Duo groaned. "Is still We'n'sday?"
"Yes, Duo, it is still Wednesday."
"Shit. Shit. SHIT!" Duo looked horrified, then jumped out of bed and patted himself down. Wufei, who had just looked over at Duo's exclamation of alarm, turned his head away again.
"Damn it, Maxwell, what the hell are you doing?"
"I don't remember what I did last night!" Duo was in a near panic. "SHIT!"
Wufei counted to ten while Duo continued to prod his body, then he walked over, snatched the sheet off the bed, and covered Duo with it.
"SIT DOWN!" he commanded. Duo stopped his frantic examination and obeyed.
"What are you worried about, Duo?"
Duo rocked back and forth, a look of relief crossing his face as he realized his backside wasn't sore.
"I thought... I was afraid... "
"You were afraid."
"Yes." It came out as a near whisper.
Wufei sat in a chair near the bed, but didn't look at Duo's half naked body. "Duo, do you think you would allow yourself to fall into the role of a faint hearted miss just because... " he trailed off. The words sounded good in his head, but it was hard to talk to Duo about what he suspected. It would have been a lot easier if it were Hilde that he suspected was behind Duo's erratic behavior.
"I... "
"Duo," he said, more firmly. "It's not you. You had a night to indulge in self pity, but I doubt you'd have done anything you'd regret." He winced as he said that, wondering if 'regret' fit into the situation with Heero at all.
"I was too late," Duo said miserably. "I just missed him."
Wufei decided he didn't care what Meiran thought.
"I know where you can find him."
Duo made a sound of surprise, and Wufei stood up.
"Get yourself cleaned up," he said. "And I'll order something to eat."
He was out the bedroom door when he heard Duo's almost inaudible "thanks."
Noin looked good, Heero had to admit. The new diamond choker went well with the clingy red dress.
"Eliza Doolittle," he murmured into her ear as they danced.
"Keep it up and I'll call you Ophelia," she whispered right back.
By dancing closer than was proper, they were able to communicate the location of their target through a series of hand gestures. Heero forced himself to focus on the pressure on Noin's back to indicate she should be prepared for sudden movement, and not on the thought that he'd like to have Duo pressed against him like this.
"Heero," Noin said for the third time.
"Mmm?"
"We need to sit this one out."
Once seated, she looked at him, a slight furrow between her brows.
"Heero, are you going to be able to do this?"
"Of course."
"I don't know. You seem distracted."
He'd spilled everything to Noin except how he felt about Duo and how they'd met, although she'd figured it out, and in fact, had teased him by calling him annoying pet names ever since. Bree Daniel, Belinda Keaton, Vivian Ward had all preceded the threat of Ophelia.
Noin's philosophy was if you made light of it, that meant you were truly past it. Tragedy plus time equaled comedy, she once said.
Somehow, though, he doubted the Marquise de Sex comment was meant to be funny.
The waiter gave them their menus and walked away when Heero heard the crackle in his earpiece. He nodded to Noin to indicate that she should go to the ladies room to listen in on the conversation. Her elegantly coifed hairstyle did not allow for a hidden communication device, but Heero's hairpiece did.
"Order for me," she said before getting up and making her way to the powder room.
He nodded and cleared his throat twice to indicate he was being interrupted. He ordered the first item from each section without noticing what they were, and the waiter moved on.
Noin was in place by then when they got the word that they were to follow their target to La Traviata. Noin's snickering was just loud enough for Heero to hear it.
"Don't worry, Yuy," she said, her voice humming from the earpiece. "I'll translate for you."
When she returned, their appetizers had arrived. She looked at the plate and then at Heero.
"Escargot, Heero?"
He shrugged almost imperceptibly.
Just as he picked up the escargot tongs, he noticed something odd about one of their waiters.
Before Noin could decipher the gleam in his eye, he judged the distance, positioned the snail, and squeezed.
It didn't make contact, but it had the desired effect, which was to make the waiter pause and turn to look at their table.
"Shirt," Heero hissed, and Noin looked up and smiled apologetically. The waiter nodded and moved on.
"The stitching doesn't match the rest of the wait staff," she observed. "So do we continue on to the Met as planned, or do we rough up the waiter in the alley?"
Heero knew where his preference lie, but he sighed, knowing they couldn't put all their eggs in one basket.
"Call for backup" they both sighed in unison.
It had been a long day, Heero thought, collapsing in bed. They'd tailed a suspect to the Met, and it wasn't until the intermission that he'd been contacted that there was a misidentification and that they'd been sent on a wild goose chase.
The waiter was indeed not part of the restaurant staff, but he turned out to be a jealous boyfriend there to insure his girlfriend was there for a business meeting and not an assignation.
Oddly enough, although they hadn't been there for the entire opera, he'd swear he could hear the strains of Verdi's musical finale in his head. He pulled the pillow over his head to no avail. If anything, the music only increased in volume.
When it became apparent it was coming from outside, he threw off his blanket, cursing his morbid curiosity. He threw open the bedroom window and was struck speechless at the sight of Duo Maxwell's head and upper body sticking out the sunroof of a stretch limousine.
He was almost horrified when Duo stepped out of the limo holding a bouquet of flowers. Violets, if he wasn't mistaken.
When Duo saw him looking out the window, he stopped in his tracks and waved him downstairs.
Heero threw on a pair of jeans and a tank top and padded downstairs barefoot.
"You've got to be kidding me," he said, causing Duo's hopeful expression to fall a little.
"Heero," he said. "Heero, I... "
Duo bit his lip, then thrust the flowers out in front of him. Heero accepted them warily, glancing about the streets to see if anyone was watching.
"I know you don't need rescuing, Heero," Duo said. "But indulge me, please."
Heero nodded slowly.
"I think perhaps... perhaps we did a bit of, maybe not rescuing, but something a little like it. For each other. Don't you think?"
Heero inhaled the scent of the violets and glanced over them into Duo's puppy dog eyes. He looked back at the flowers and then at Duo.
Despite all the sides of Duo, many of them ruthless, Heero felt that here was a man that could still pull off the appearance of a fey woodland creature in a field of violets.
He sneezed once, and remembered he was allergic to flowers. He dropped them on the ground, letting them scatter between him and Duo.
Duo stepped over the strewn horticulture and seized Heero's heart-shaped face in his hand.
"I asked you a question, Heero."
"Yes," Heero sighed. "Yes." His eyes closed of their own accord, and Duo captured his lips in a bruising kiss.
Heero woke up with a start and felt the bed around him, then exhaled slowly when he realized he'd been dreaming. The sun was on the rise, and he decided there was no point in staying in bed. He got up and looked out the window of his first-floor apartment in time to see the paperboy fly by on his bicycle.
Normally he'd peruse the newspaper over coffee, but he'd had promised his partner a firm trouncing in basketball, and he planned to deliver, regardless of the lingering effects of the disturbing dream he'd had.
Despite a brisk shower and a light breakfast, he was fatigued more than he'd expected. After the ball bounced off the rim for the fourth time, his partner picked up the ball and tucked it under his arm, then met Heero under the net where he was still glaring at the basket as if it had betrayed him.
"Heero," Duo said. "You're off your game today."
Heero turned his dark look on the other man, but it had no effect.
"Are you feeling all right, Heero? You seem a bit peaked."
"I'm fine," he growled in response, but Duo saw through his attempt at bluster.
"OK, Yuy, spill."
It took a bit more badgering, but finally Heero threw his hands in the air and said, "I didn't sleep very well, OK?"
"Hmm," Duo said, looking at him speculatively. "Nightmare?"
Heero shuddered. "You might say that."
"That bad?"
"Weird," Heero allowed. "Just... weird." He looked at Duo almost timidly, and Duo backed up a step.
"Err, was I in this dream?"
Heero's cheeks flamed as he remembered some of the details of the dream.
"Oh, now I'm really curious. Was I a naked tap dancer or something?"
"You had really, really long hair," Heero said, causing Duo to frown and run a hand over his closely cropped buzz cut.
"Cut the shit," Duo said, frowning.
Heero pounced on Duo's discomfiture. "And you had it in a braid."
"Heero! Geez! Let me guess, I was prancing around in a teddy, too!"
"Actually, it was a bustierre, and you seemed to like it quite a bit."
Duo made a strangled noise as his eyes grew wide with horror. Light laughter met this response, and he realized Heero had been kidding.
"It's just wrong that you even know what those things are called, buddy," he said, shaking his head. "I think you have GOT to stop letting your girlfriend drag you shopping with her." He dropped the ball to the ground and stretched his arms above his head, brushing his fingertips along the underside of the rim before letting them fall to his sides.
"Ya know," he said. "It must have been that strawberry cheesecake we had last night. It was a night for weird dreams all around."
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Duo said, going after the ball to resume their game. "You and I were in these giant robots... "
The End
I'm sorry if it did not go the way you expected it to. I just don't have the time to devote to the story and... oh, hell, who am I kidding?
Please tell me that you knew at some point during the chapter that I was pulling your leg. How does this go now? Oh, yes! APRIL FOOL'S!
Yes, yes... this entire chapter was one big joke, although it was a lot more effective on April Fool's Day.
My immense thanks to Natea for the joint brainstorming of various cliches and movie scenes to include in this wannabe parody! Hopefully I managed to lay it on with a trowel but with a trace of subtlety.
You didn't think I'd leave off the footnotes, did you?
Footnotes:
April Fool's Day, by most accounts, dates
back to the adoption of the Gregorian calendar to replace the Julian calendar.
The new calendar started the year on January 1st, but many people
("fools") were ignorant of the change or refused to accept it and
continued to celebrate on April 1st, the "old" New Year's Day. These
folks were often sent on fool's errands or had pranks pulled on them.
The practice of "observing" this April Fool's Day seems to have originated in France around the time of the adoption of the Gregorian calendar. It spread to England and Scotland circa eighteenth century and eventually to the English and French colonies in America.
A bit more on the Julian calendar and its successor...
The Julian calendar was off by the solar calendar (time it takes the earth to orbit the sun) by approximately 11½ minutes a year. It consisted of eleven months of 30 or 31 days with a 28 day February that had 29 days once every four years.
Pope Gregory XIII called for an advancement of ten days in the calendar in 1582 and introduced an additional correction. Years that were multiples of 100, such as 1700 and 1800, would not be counted as leap years... UNLESS they were also divisible by 400.
Therefore 1600 and 2000 were both leap years, but 2100 will not be. The Gregorian calendar differs from the solar year by only 26 seconds.
Pieces is "a gay bar owned and operated by gay men for gay men!"
Eliza Doolittle - subject of a bet between
Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering in My Fair Lady. Can a 'commoner' be
transformed into someone that fits into high society without seeming out of
place? Played by Audrey Hepburn in the 1964 film.
Ophelia - played by Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places
Bree Daniel - played by Jane Fonda in Klute
Belinda Keaton - played by Shelley Long in Night Shift
Vivian Ward - played by Julia Roberts in... well, you know...
Other notes...
As I mentioned, the joke was much more effective if you were reading the story in progress. I certainly would not cheat you all by falling back on the "all a dream" ploy a la Bobby Ewing's death in Dallas... errr... dating myself now.
Which leads into a whole new slew of footnotes.
In case you have no idea who Bobby Ewing is or what Dallas is besides a city in Texas, it was a prime time soap opera back in the late 70s (it ran 1978-1991) that starred Larry Hagman as the infamous J.R. Ewing. At least J.R. was infamous at the time... the whole "Who Shot J.R.?" was quite a topic of discussion and speculation during the second season hiatus (1980).
What has that to do with the April Fool's chapter? Bobby Ewing, one of the main characters was killed off, then the actor (Patrick Duffy) decided to come back to the show, so the writers turned the entire seventh season into a dream. You can read a bit about the pickle that created, if you really want to know, by going here: http://www.ultimatedallas.com/newdream/faq.htm
For info on the show itself, check on the International Movie Database: http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0077000/
- or - The Official Series Website here: http://www.ultimatedallas.com/
(:./mookie/edmi)
