27 June 2000
*drumroll* Here it is, folk--my one and only non-Duocentric fanfic to date. ^_^
Motion had funneled into that burning, falling, speck. He watched it with rigid eyes. This was the crisis of the war--all could recognize it. Yet even without the Zero System he knew the outcome. It was inescapable, this conclusion; with Treize's death came the end.
A blaze erupted from the battered Gundam. Within a second the last of the Peacemillion was engulfed in a column of pure energy. He blinked, and as the light died away the remaining chunks of debris glowed faintly as they were consumed in the atmosphere. Space, which had been an indrawn breath, became a shout--exultant and relieved. The war had been won.
He felt, in that moment, that the cockpit was an island of silence. As he drifted he knew that they alone were still watchful, still waiting and he wondered if it were to be always like this. Then something was rising, emerging from the planet's shroud. Heero was coming back. "It was only expected," he remarked, truly relieved. If Yuy had not returned alive the cheering would have angered him. Instead, if he did not cheer, he at least allowed himself a smile. But as quickly as it had come, the joy died down. Silence came creeping back between the walls.
Something disturbed him, would not let him rejoice. Yet it had been their victory, what they had fought so bitterly for. So sudden, it seemed--so many lives and so much effort to bring about this point, he thought. <Is this...it?> Hands pressed against the glass, he fought to swallow and could not.
"Is this your version of justice?" the words were flung at him as Wing Zero hung, poised to strike.
For a moment he was taken aback. Then, "I only want to know if a peace built on sacrifice is truly just!" he shot back. "For that, I will become evil!" The bile rose in his throat. "Dealing with the enemy hasn't changed anything!" he cried, the bitterness bursting out. "The Earth hasn't changed at all!"
Nothing had changed. There was still pain.
They fought in clashes, the confrontations more rapid than the eye. Every second brought two blows, and he bent all his will to the task at hand. He was fighting on the principles of reality. He would save them from their fruitless dreams.
*No*
The swath of his weapon faltered and the winged Gundam seized the opportunity to launch a counterstrike. He barely fended it off, thrusting backwards violently, words forming soundlessly on his mouth.
<NatakuNatakuNataku>
*Where is my justice?*
The demand seemed to come at him from the walls of the cockpit, as if it spoke from the very bowels of the machine. <Forgive me, Nataku. I have failed.> He was taut with the shame of it, yet there was room for a small, deep relief. She only spoke to him when he failed. There were so few things about her that he could remember clearly now--he had never looked, he knew, when he had the chance. But at the least he had this, her voice. He had heard it amidst the crumbling of his soul in the field of flowers, when every word was so light that he scarcely caught them before they were stolen by the wind. Now it was stronger than her last words had been, strong and cold and bright like the armor he rode. Still he would have known it in a thousand different guises.
Only her voice would ask for justice.
He pressed the attack, certainty growing as the strikes created visible damage against the Gundanium exterior. He was winning. This battle would be his. He locked against Wing Zero, forcing the other pilot to a stand. "The more you fight, the more you waste the sacrifices made for peace! You should know that!" Heero's voice sounded from the comlink. With a snarl he broke away, and thrust the Dragon Claw at the Gundam, wanting to smash his former ally and his conviction away. "Our war is over!"
He lunged back into short-range offensive. "So that's why you don't need warriors?" he cried. "You're just going to disregard all the people who fought in this war?" The war was not over, and the knowledge seared him. Heero was wrong. Misguided. Deluded. And he was shouting in his anger, telling him that there was war because there were still soldiers. The words came harshly and quickly to his mouth, rising from somewhere close inside of him. He spat them out like bullets, both to attack and to rid himself of their weight. At the same time he tried to prevent the other pilot's argument from settling too deep. They shouted back and forth, the words stabbing like their weapons. He was sure that he had lost no ground, but it seemed that both of them were fighting closer and closer to the Earth. Frustration twisted his face into a snarl, and he fought with even greater ferocity. Why was he the only one who understood? The matter was more complex than Heero thought, he knew, yet the real explanation was simple. There was still war because there was no peace.
"Treize is dead! You defeated him!"
"You're wrong! I'm still fighting him!"
There was no peace, inside or out, and there was no meaning. He could only fight, and fight, as they fell.
The last of the formalities was ending; the United Earth Nation had been created, the ambassador appointed. There remained only the task of dismantling the weapons of war. He returned to the cockpit and stood before it. Stillness was welcome after the noise and commotion of ceremony after ceremony, yet he found it unnerving. It was not like the quiet measure of calm he achieved during meditation. It was empty.
With a sharp breath he scambled in and closed the hatch. Sitting in the familiar seat, he shut his eyes, gut heavy with dread. The war was over but it was too late. They claimed that peace was at hand but perhaps he had known all along that it was not enough for justice, that too many wrongs had already been committed. Desperately he called, afraid that he had failed again. Afraid that it was the last failure.
<Nataku!>
Nothing answered him and he stayed there for many hours, with his despair.
"I don't approve of Relena Peacecraft!" They were falling faster and faster. "It's wrong to think that you can end war by throwing away the weapons and locking up the soldiers."
"Is that why we should allow Mariemeia to be a dictator?!"
"It will be something for the soldiers to go by--" he was getting louder again, but he could feel that the words were meaningless so he struck out instead. The retort had shaken him and he could not be shaken, could not fail again. Yet he could not stop Heero's words from coming into his ears, not when he was still listening for the voice.
"Wufei, tell me..."
*Listen*
He was frozen.
"Tell me...How many more people must I kill? How many times must I kill that girl and her puppy?"
The words were a plea he did not understand, cutting through his convictions like so many cobwebs. They echoed strangely in his ears, holding him fast even as the defenseless Gundam plummeted into the sea with a crash. In the sudden absence of fighting his head came up in fear. He hung suspended, staring at the patch of sea where Wing Zero had disappeared.
"You mean...that it will all be repeated?" And he did not know whom he was asking.
"I use Nataku to defeat the evil in space!" he cried, furious that the Elders would consider such a dishonourable scheme. He ran to the hangar and launched the Gundam alone. "I will fight evil on equal footing," he gritted. "I will bring justice. I swear!" As the colony dropped away beneath him he heard the voice for the first time, echoing his vow.
*Justice*
And he had not looked back, not once.
Later when he saw it all destroyed, breaking apart soundlessly in the blackness of space, he had screamed, but the voice had been silent.
The waves lapped calmly, as if they held nothing but salt. Again his gaze was transfixed to the spot where Heero Yuy had disappeared. Perhaps this time he would not return. Was this, then, the end? He waited. As he watched it seemed as if sound was once more drawing away, leaving him alone, unsatisfied. Silence closed in on him, from places in his mind that he fought not to notice. "No..." he whimpered finally, when the Gundam had been submerged too long. "I was right... Nataku...Nataku!" he cried, suddenly frightened.
*Wufei* His heart leapt wildly at the sound.
<Nataku!>
*No*
<But I know you-->
*Have you forgotten me?* The voice was wistful, something it had never been before. He was at a loss--filled with both joy, and an unspeakable grief.
<Never, I fight for you-->
*I told you then That I was not Nataku*
<But...Then...>
*You should not grieve so*
<But...> he whispered, eyes wide and unfocused. <I could not save you then...and I cannot bring you justice now.>
*The dead are dead You cannot change the past*
<No!> he returned fiercely. <If I can bring justice-->
*Wufei Will you fight forever?* And now her voice was sad.
<I will fight as long as I need to, to bring justice-->
*I do not need justice*
He started. <What?>
*I too wish for peace*
<But I failed to give it to you.> The weight of his guilt was crushing him.
*No*
<I did!> he insisted. <I am a unworthy warrior. I cannot tell evil from good. I could not defeat the enemy, I-->
*Wufei*
He stopped. The voice held no reproach, but was filled with sadness.
*I do not need justice All I need is your pain*
<My...pain?> The war, he knew, had brought great pain. Yet he had never thought it to be his.
*I feel it How you suffer*
Did he? <If so, then I deserve it.>
*No It was not your doing*
<But I should have prevented it.>
*Wufei All things must come to an end Even my anger And your guilt*
<Do you mean...?> He thought that false principles had kept him from peace. But perhaps it had not been Peacecraft who had lied.
Perhaps he alone had been waging the war.
*Yes Now you understand* and she was tender, even as her last words had been.
He sat there for a moment, and closed his eyes. The truth was overwhelming when it came. The ache in his chest was so great that he felt as if he were suffocating. But her lack of anger, if indeed she had ever been truly angry, surrounded him and made it possible to breathe.
*Give me your pain*
He opened his eyes, amazed, yet not disgusted that they were flowing with tears. "Meiran," he said in a voice that was weak and cracked, yet was not hateful to his ears. "MEIRAN!!!" As his cry broke the silence, he felt something inside him come to rest.
*My husband*
"Thank you," he choked. "I owe you again."
*There were never any debts between us*
"Then...I must say farewell..."
*Farewell* she said gently. *I am glad that you have found your peace* And she was gone, but his peace remained.
Suddenly the water below him broke apart, and the crest of Wing Zero began to emerge. Not waiting for what he knew would happen, he turned on his thrusters, rising into the cloudless expanse. <I will be like him...>
<I will seek to truly end the war.>
~owari~
(:./aki/warend)
