12-Apr-2001
1x2. 3x4. Lime. I own nothing. Fluff, angst, and a few bad words.
He didn't slam the door.
Heero tried to tune out the thought as he concentrated on his computer.
He didn't slam the door. He didn't yell, or scream, or threaten me. He just gave me that look that I hate, the one that makes me feel like I just drop-kicked a kitten, and very quietly closed the door of our room.
Baka. He's just trying to make me feel guilty. Heero typed angrily, working on autopilot. He expects me to go in there and say I'm sorry. Well, he can wait until the sun freezes over before that's going to happen.
He thinks he can just manipulate me into doing or saying anything he wants, and then he sulks like a little child when I don't. Why can't he just be happy with what we have? Why does he want more? He knows I care about him. I've told him I care about him.
Heero sighed and rubbed his eyes. It's Quatre and Trowa's fault. He wouldn't ever have thought of it if they hadn't done it first. But ever since we got back, he's been on me about it all the time. Why doesn't he just accept that we're not them? That was fine for them, but we don't need it. What is it anyway? Words and a piece of paper. That's all.
I was a little hard on him tonight, I guess, Heero admitted to himself. He hadn't been trying to start a fight. He'd just been playing, teasing me, when he'd brought it up again. Asking if he should take my last name, or keep his own, or hyphenate it with mine, if we ever married.
And Heero, master of the spoken language that he was, had snapped "Duo, get a clue. It's not going to happen. Not now, not ever. Just shut up about it and drop the subject. For good."
Then, that look. That bewildered, devastated look. His mouth opened like he wanted to say something, then he turned around and left the room. Followed by that click as he gently closed the bedroom door.
Why did that click sound so... final?
And what was he doing now? Heero could hear rustling sounds coming from the bedroom but couldn't make much sense of them. He had a vision suddenly of Duo calmly cutting his clothes to pieces and swallowed a smile. That would be just like him to pull.
He got up from the chair and walked over to the bedroom door, peeking through the crack near the hinges. His blood stopped cold.
Duo wasn't destroying Heero's clothing; he was packing his own. His suitcase was on the bed and he was stuffing his clothing into it randomly. Every now and then he would pause and take a breath, like he was steeling himself to continue, and then reach for something.
Heero felt a surge of fury. So this was it, huh? The baka didn't get his own way so he was just going to turn and walk away from all they had. Well, let him. Who needed him, anyway? He talked too much; he was messy to live with, he was a pain in the neck. He wants you to burst in and stop him.
I love him.
Heero closed his eyes for a minute. Think. If he wanted you to stop him, he wouldn't be being quiet. He would have slammed the door or left it open. He would let you KNOW he was mad enough to walk out. He's never been like this. Never this... quiet. This isn't his style.
Heero's eyes narrowed and he padded out to the kitchen. His car keys and Duo's hung next to each other on a peg. He pocketed them. As an after thought, he took the spares as well. It occurred to him belatedly that Duo knew how to hot-wire a car, but he'd worry about that if he had to. He returned to his computer.
A few minutes later, he heard the door of the bedroom quietly slide open. He was aware of Duo standing in the doorway, watching him. He could feel the violet fire burning into his back. It was all he could do to keep from turning around. He forced himself to keep facing the computer, keep pretending he was unaware of the other young man's presence.
Another minute passed, and he heard Duo tiptoe passed him. Duo headed for the kitchen to retrieve his keys. There was silence for a while, then he heard the American searching around, heard him open the drawer they kept the spares in.
The footsteps returned to the doorway. Heero continued to type.
"Heero?"
"Hnnn?"
"Where are my keys?" Duo's voice was raspy, and Heero knew he'd been crying.
"In my pocket." Heero said calmly, not looking up.
"May I have them, please?"
"No."
"Can I ask why not?"
Heero turned around in the chair. "Because you're not going anywhere. You don't need them." His gaze was level with Duo's.
"I need them more than you know." Duo sounded tired, defeated. "Please don't make this any harder than it has to be." He stared at the wall. "I have to go. And it has to be now while I still can."
"Duo... why? How can you just turn and throw it all away like this? All we've been through. Doesn't it mean anything to you?"
"It means everything to me! That's why I have to leave. Because it means something to ME. I'm the one who cares. I'm the one who has to push and fight for every little crumb you throw me and I'm tired of it. You don't care about me; you're using me. I'm a warm body in the night. I'm someone you can beat at poker. Maybe I'm someone to help make the time go faster. I'm a rubber doll you pull out when you're horny, then you expect me to just sit quietly on a shelf and wait until next time. No more, Heero. It ends tonight. All I've ever wanted in my life was someone to love me. I'm leaving to try and find that. I have to know..."
"Know what?"
"That... I'm... never mind. I'll call Quatre." His voice hardened. "He'll come pick me up."
"Know what?" Heero asked again, rising to his feet.
"That I'm worth being loved!" Duo blurted out. "All you've done is show me that I'm not!"
"You are." Heero forced the words out. "You don't have to leave to find someone who loves you. I... love you."
Duo paused. "You're lying." he said at last, his voice catching.
"The hell I am." Heero grabbed him by the shoulders, forced him to face him. "I love you, and I am so sorry for hurting you. Duo... I'm not good at this. People. I'm no good with other people. You know that. But I'm trying. I'm trying hard here. You have to meet me halfway."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out Duo's keys. "If this is really what you want, then I love you enough to let you go. But I want you to know that handing you these keys is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life." He pressed them into Duo's hand.
"Do you love me enough to marry me?"
Heero was silent.
Duo jingled the keys. "I need some time to think, then."
Heero reached for him and he drew back. "I'm leaving. Maybe not for good. I don't know. I need to decide if half of you is going to be enough for me. For what it's worth, taking these keys is the hardest thing I've ever done."
He turned away from Heero and walked out of the room.
Again, he did not slam the door.
"You're an idiot."
"Trowa, please, if you know he is, tell me. It's been three days." Heero paced around the room.
"He's fine. Quatre and I saw him the other night. Physically he's fine. Emotionally..." Trowa brushed his hair away from his eye. "He misses you. We took him out to dinner and he didn't smile once."
"Where is he?"
Trowa shook his head. "It's not that simple. Sometimes a clean break heals the fastest. You can't give him what he needs. Let him go, Heero. Let him find someone who can."
"He wants a marriage!"
"Yes, he does. He wants you to stand up and tell the world that you love him, that you want to spend your life with him. He wants you to take a vow to that effect. Because only then will he feel safe."
"Safe?"
"That he can trust you to stick around. No one else has. Did he tell you about his father?"
Heero tilted his head. "I didn't know he remembered his father. Do you mean Father Maxwell?"
"No, his real father."
"He's never mentioned him."
"Duo adored his father. Worshipped him. He used to wait by the window for him to come home at night and run out and jump into his arms."
"What happened?"
"His father walked out on them. Left Duo and his mother for another woman. They never saw him again. Duo's mother died six months later. When he was older, he found out somewhere or other that they'd never married. His father had never made any vows to his mother, so he didn't feel guilty about leaving her. A part of him always believed that if they had been married, his father would have stayed, that he wouldn't have broken his vow. And maybe his mother would still be alive because of it."
"Why didn't he tell me any of this?"
"Because he didn't think you'd care." Quatre said from the doorway. "Marriage isn't about a piece of paper to him; it's deeper than that. He wants to be part of a family again. A real, binding family. To belong to someone. It's better for you to end it now; you two want different things from your lives; he told me he's not mad at you. He understands that you can't change the way you feel."
"I need to speak to him."
"If Duo wants to contact you he'll be in touch." Trowa said firmly. "But it has to be his decision. He still needs some time."
"Fine, I'll find him without your help." Heero snarled. "Thanks anyway." He slammed the door behind him.
"He's going right to his computer..."
"And hacking into our phone records."
They laughed together.
"He's so head over heels. Why is it so hard for him to take this step?" Quatre sighed.
"He thinks that Duo should have faith in him regardless, that he shouldn't need anything else. What did you think of my story?"
"I loved it." Quatre giggled. "And Heero bought it hook, line and sinker. Especially that part about Duo thinking it would have saved his mother's life. That was a really nice touch."
"Heero has heartstrings." Trowa kissed Quatre's forehead. "I just gave them a little tug."
"How did we end up being the sane ones?" The blond wrapped his arms around Trowa's waist. "You asked, I said yes, and our lives are just beginning. Why do they have to make it so complicated?"
"They'll get it straightened out. They love each other too much not to." I hope.
The unspoken words lingered in the air between them.
Heero stood in the dark motel room, watching Duo sleep. His hair was spread around him in a hopeless tangle, and he was clutching a pillow tightly to his chest.
Moving carefully, Heero slipped something out of his pocket and opened it. A small silver chain glittered in the moonlight.
When marriage between two men had become legal, some of the older traditions had changed as well. Many men objected to wearing something as feminine as an engagement ring. So bracelets had taken their place. Thin braided strands of gold or silver that effectively claimed the engagee taken.
Heero slid the chain around Duo's slender wrist and fastened it. His hand reached out to touch the mess of hair, but then drew back. He'd done his part; the rest was up to his koi.
The Japanese man left the motel room as quietly as he had arrived.
Duo did not awaken.
"Damn you."
Heero looked up from his computer at the young man standing in the doorway.
"I've spend the last three days trying to convince myself that I hate you." Duo said angrily. "And it was working, too. I went to sleep last night full of all these nice thoughts of you being boiled in oil or thrown off of a cliff and what do you do? You go and pull something like this!" He held up his wrist, the bracelet hanging from it.
"Does that mean you don't hate me?" Heero asked calmly, biting down a smile.
"It's not for lack of effort!"
"So? Is that a yes?"
Duo sighed. "Heero... the last thing I want is for you to feel trapped. You don't have to do this."
"I don't have to." Heero agreed. "But I want to. Trowa told me about your father, how he left your mother. It made me realize just how important marriage is to you. I'm sorry I didn't see it before."
Duo gave him a puzzled glance. "My father? I don't know anything about my father. What do you know that I don't?"
Heero blinked. "Trowa told me that you were close to your father, but then he walked out on your mother. He said you said that you thought if they'd been married it wouldn't have... "
Duo was shaking his head. "Heero, if something like that had happened don't you think I would have told you about it? I wouldn't have ignored having that kind of ace in the hole. Yes, marriage is very important to me. But not because of anything my parents did. I consider it the ultimate sign of love and commitment. I believe that if you really love someone you're willing to give them that kind of promise."
"I'm going to choke Trowa. On second thought, I'm not. He may be a liar, but he made me come to my senses. Marry me."
Duo rubbed his chin. "Ask me the right way."
Heero glared at him and got down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"
"Sure." Duo grinned. "I don't think I have any other plans. I can squeeze you in."
A moment later he was flat on his back on the floor, a soft, urgent mouth moving over him, hands pulling and tugging at his clothing. "God, I've missed you." Was muttered against the warm flesh of his neck. "I love you so much. Don't ever leave me again."
"I've been going out of my mind." Duo breathed. "I won't ever leave again, I promise. I love you."
Even though it was made official several months later, they always felt their true wedding happened on that night, and as the years went by they celebrated the anniversary of it.
And no more doors closed between them.
The End
(:./lasha/closed)
