Now this is just plain silly/stupid, but funny if you know X-files
Heero Mulder opened the door only to see a gun pointed at his face, then he saw a pair of violet eyes shining from the darkness. He closed the door behind him, and turned the lights on low. "Duo Krychek." he said. He had a dark glower on his face.
"Heero Mulder." Duo was dressed in a black sleeveless top, black leather jacket, tight black leather pants and fingerless black gloves. He had a funny little smile on his face.
"I only have one question."
"What?" Duo lowered the gun slowly.
"Where the hell have you been?" Heero growls. Heero grabbed Duo around the waist and began hungrily tasting his lips, pushing him down on the nearby couch. "It's been three months. I thought you were dead," he whispers in his ear.
"You try getting out of a prison cell on a spaceship, finding a way back to Earth, recover and sneaking in here without being seen in that amount of time. Going undercover is such a pain." He wriggled under Heero, knowing that would drive him crazy. "Do you forgive me?"
"Do I have a choice?" Then his eyes got that half-open, sleepy look and a smile of relief and lust slowly crossed his face. "Now, prepare to be interrogated and debriefed." He playfully began caressing Duo's thighs. "Love the leather pants."
"Oh, I'm so glad you like them."
"I'll like them better when they're on the floor."
"Oh, goody," Duo squealed with delight.
"You know what's funny?"
"What?"
"Even when you're on the run, your hair always smells like it's been at a salon."
Duo was about to answer that question when there was a knock on the door. "I'm not opening the door," said Heero, more to himself than at the knocker. "Go away!"
"Heeeroooo!" said a familiar voice.
An absolutely ferocious growl of sexual frustration and irritation that ended in teeth grinding came out of Heero's mouth.
Duo laid down his head on the couch and sighed. "Answer the door. I'll hide in the closet." Then he laughed a little at the inadvertent joke he made.
Once Duo was safely out of sight, Heero opened the door to see Relena Scully, his partner from the FBI, her hair put back in a ponytail. "Why are you here?"
"I'm here because you don't pick up your cellphone."
"No, I mean why are you here at my place in the middle of the night. Can't it wait until tomorrow, Scully? I see you everyday." Oh, God, he thought, why do I have to see you everyday?
Relena pouted. "Why must you call me by my last name? We've been working together for two years. Aren't I your partner?"
"At work only."
"But everybody thinks that we're a couple. I mean, everybody."
Heero sighed. She wasn't totally useless all the time, but this crush she had on him ever since they started working together was really grating his nerves. She just didn't get it. "What is it you want? I really wanted to go to sleep early."
"I wanted to talk about things that can't be talked about at the office. Can I come in?"
"For a few minutes."
She walked in and sat on the couch. "Heero, I know that you've been looking for your sister for years, but that doesn't mean that you have to put the rest of your life on hold. You can't bottle up all your feelings inside yourself. You need someone that you can share your life with. People aren't meant to be alone forever. Aren't I right?"
Heero could only stare at her. This was the most sense she had ever made, but what she didn't realize was that he had already found that person and it wasn't her. "I just don't think that person is you."
"But why?"
"Because... because I have never had feelings for you other than as a co-worker." It's a good thing I hadn't finished ripping those pants off him, he thought. All the pesky questions she would have asked.
"Well, we've never tried to explore those feelings."
"Why do you work with me anyway?"
"What do you mean?"
"Everytime I tell you there's a monster, you go 'Oh, no, there's no monster.' Then a monster nearly decapitates you and I have to kill it. You've been abducted by aliens, had a piece of metal taken out of you left by the aliens and you still think it's all a dream. Everytime I tell you about the conspiracy, you insist that there isn't any conspiracy. What does it take to convince you!" And what does it take to convince you that I'm not interested in you? That's the X factor in Y you keep chasing me, he thought.
Relena pouted. "I see you're in a bad mood. We'll talk about this later."
"Yes, later." He manages to hustle her out of the door.
"Heero, I'll pick you up for work tomorrow."
Heero glared at her, then shut the door.
Relena thought, Oh, how my poor heart aches for you, spending all your nights alone. How tragic that you remain so devoted to your work that you do not reach out to the person closest to you! Then she walked out of the apartment building.
Duo then said from the closet, "You should show her your porn collection. After about ten tapes, she might notice a trend."
He opened the door and pulled Duo to his feet. They walked to his bedroom and sat down on the bed. Duo sighed, "Let's talk business before getting down to business. How's working for Wufei Skinner?"
"He keeps saying, 'Kisama' as usual."
"You should tell him to kis-a-ma ass."
Heero had to smile at that remark. "So, what kind of information do you have for me today?"
"I finally got the goods on the identity of Cancer man. It's Treize Khushrenada." Duo handed him a disk from his jacket. "All the information I downloaded is in there."
"Treize, huh?"
"He usually travels with a woman named Une, who I believe to be a shape-shifting alien. She's absolutely deadly and will kill anyone who threatens him. I got a few picture files of her in there. From my personal observations, she seems to have, um, selected Treize as her breeding partner. I hope that helps."
"And my sister?"
Duo shook his head. "I just hear that she's alive, but that's all I know."
"I see." Then he wrapped his arms around Duo's neck. "I'm just glad you're OK." He slowly tugged the leather coat off and kissed his neck while Duo loosened Heero's tie and threw it to one side. Heero pulled off Duo's sleeveless shirt then saw all the faded bruises on his chest.
Duo looked down at where Heero was staring at. "Nothing that hasn't happened before. They don't hurt anymore. It's OK." He poked the bruises to show that he was pretty much healed up. Then he thought, Got to get his mind off it. "You know I kinda wish I was an alien."
Heero frowned. "Why?"
"Well, you'd be obsessed with looking for me. Then I could abduct you and give you anal probes."
Heero scowled. "I'm already obsessed with you and I'd rather be the one giving anal probes. Speaking of which... " He took off his own shirt, shoved Duo unto the bed and started pulling off Duo's tight leather pants after throwing off his shoes to the side.
"It's a little cold here. Reminds me of that time we got stuck in that Siberian camp. The only thing that kept us from freezing to death was each other's body heat in that prison cell."
"Mmmmm."
The phone rang after he managed to pull off those pants. Heero said, "Let the answering machine pick it up. I'll call them later."
Quatre's voice came on. "Heero, this is Quatre. Trowa and I hacked into SETI, Search for Extraterrestral Intelligence. A UFO is making a beeline right to your house."
"Oh, man, is the universe trying to stop us from having sex?" yelled Duo. "Give me back my pants."
"Hell, no."
A light shined through the window and they're taken aboard. They're in a launch bay. A dark-haired woman appears before them. "I am Noin, captain of this spaceship. Heero, you must come with us."
"Why?"
"You're an alien. In fact you're the brother to the current ruler of the Wing Dynasty of our planet. The dynasty is matrilineal."
"My sister... is OK."
Noin nodded and smiled. "She wanted you to be picked up sooner, but we told her that by keeping you here on Earth, you'd be safe from shape-shifting aliens from Oz Unfortunately, this is no longer the case... "
"Heero, you've been holding out on me." Then Duo frowned. "Wait, I'm getting confused."
Noin shrugged. "It's easy to be confused."
"I'm not an alien," said Heero. "Prove it."
"You're much more intelligent, stronger, and faster than a normal human being. Also you can withstand 30 story falls and explosions that would've killed anybody else. Isn't it obvious?"
"Well, how about Duo? He has an insane appetite for cereals with the name 'Corn Freak' and 'Chocolate Frosted Sugar Cubes,' and he has an inhumanely big and long... "
"No! He's not an alien. He's just an Earth boy who's easy."
"Hey!"
"I'm not going anywhere without Duo."
"Ok, you can come with your husband."
"We're not married."
"You're living in sin? This is improper behavior for a prince. You must get engaged at once."
"Duo, what do you say?"
"Gee, can't you be more romantic than that?" Duo said.
"How's this for romantic?" Heero pulled out a small box from his pants and flipped it open. Inside was a gold band.
"Oh my God!"
"What's the answer?"
"Yes, you baka!" He glomped unto the one and only alien he will ever sleep with.
Heero smiled, then said, "Duo."
"Yes."
"Prepare to be abducted and all that it implies."
"All right!" Then he paused and said, "Next time, I want to be the alien."
Noin started to seriously sweatdrop. "I just told you... "
"Where's the nearest bedroom?"
Noin threw her hands in the air. "It's down the hall to your left."
Heero picked up Duo and ran down the hallway.
Relena had driven back to Heero's apartment to try again when she saw the two members of the Lone Gunmen looking up at the sky right outside his building.
"Where on earth is Heeeeeerooooo?" yelled Relena.
"Um, I don't think the term 'earth' has much meaning in this context. Look at the humongous spaceship right above us!" yelled Quatre.
"That plane is flying kind of funny." said Relena. "One end of it keeps shaking up and down."
Trowa turned on all the cameras and various recording equipment he had brought with him, looked up at the sky and said, "... "
The End
(:./mk/xy)
